Friday, August 29, 2008

Heart Transplant Patient Heroic, Murderous

Andrew Busskohl underwent heart surgery at the age of 14, a procedure that saved his life and allowed him to live like a "normal" kid.

Unfortunately, the heart in question used to belong to this guy.

Busskohl, 18, has been charged with two felony counts relating to a break-in attempt. But police say he was up to something more sinister: a murder plot that involved cutting out the victim's heart or slicing off his eyelids.
Cutting out his heart...or slicing off his eyelids? So, like, he hadn't decided yet? Doing both of those things would be too mean? I don't get it.

Well, this kid get's released on $100,000 bail and goes right back to his house...a few blocks from the incident. And the family gets a lawyer, apparently a slick-talking uppity Manhattan type, or just a Midwesterner that loathes his own kind:

"The Woodbury police are excited because they got something that's more serious than a cat up a tree," says Friedberg.
When a statement was released by the local police voicing their displeasure of Friedberg's quote, he replied,

"Fuck you, Maybury."
So and all these Willbury-ans have apparently been so crime-free that even an attempted crime puts their community into a tizzy.

Residents say they survey their homes before entering, secure their windows and check behind curtains and other household items once inside. Once rarely used, alarm systems now are on constantly.

Oh, and um, I guess I should tell you the "crime" that actually occurred to cause the arrest and midwest yokle-steria and the CNN article. He broke a window.

Busskohl was planning to return to that shattered window in the next couple of days for an easy entry, one without commotion, according to the criminal complaint filed against him.
Hehe, easy entry, hehe. We got a sly one on our hands here, huh?

I've got it! I'll just break his window...then, barring an unseen event, say, him noticing that his window is broken, I'll return to his home days later where, instead of a window there'll be a big gaping hole...pefect for easy entry...hehe, "easy entry," hehe...

So how did Mr. Busskohl get caught by the police? His friend snitched on him.

"Mr. Eischens stated that Mr. Busskohl told him that he had come up with a plan on how to murder someone," the complaint says. "Mr. Eischens stated that Mr. Busskohl wanted to find an adult male who lived by himself and within walking distance of the defendant's house."
Tha's fucked up, man. I mean, maybe not as fucked up as planning to cut out someone's heart or slice off their eyelids, but...you know...still pretty fucked up.

And that's a pretty odd "mark" for an 18 year old heart patient. I get the walking distance from your home part (I didn't have a car as a teen either, all of my victims were in roller-blading distance), but this is what our would-be murderer looks like:

Creepy, yes, but not exactly intimidating. And here is his victim:

Who ya got?

Anyway, so the main claim from Friedberg is that the meds were making this kid all looney toons, which is kinda fair when you consider he was taking 10 different uppers, downers, and all-around-towners and this is what he had to say to the police when they confronted him:

"I'm not even sure I would have gone through with it."

How hilariously awesome is that?!? "Meh, I was only like 75% sure I was going to cut the dude's heart out. I mean, I didn't even start digging a shallow grave yet, so...I mean, it was all kinda tentative."

So maybe this was all just the crazy ramblings of an unwitting perscription dope fiend? Maybe he never really planned on doing anything and everyone should just suck his ba--

According to the criminal complaint filed this month, authorities obtained a search warrant for Busskohl's car and found a swim cap, black gloves, latex gloves, scrubs, gauze, an address card with Fratto's name and address, a map to Fratto's house, shoe covers, a pry bar, a black mask, two bags, one knife, two flashlights, one set of tweezers, two pairs of scissors and one scalpel.

Ok nevermind.


Fratto says it was difficult to grasp when police first informed him of the alleged plot. Standing in his backyard, he pointed into the air. "What bothers me is: If you throw a rock, he's about four blocks away."

"Fortunately," continued Mr. Fratto, "if you don't throw a rock, he's about 20 miles away. I've been asking neighbors to refrain from throwing rocks...y'know, just for a few days at least."

Face Transplant Lets Man Blink and Smile, Though He Still Will Probably Want to Keep His Eyes Closed and Won't have Much to Smile About if He Doesn't

There. Now that I've reach the maximum number of characters allowed for a title, let me just say a couple of things: I'm going to tread pretty lightly here, because this is actually a pretty incredible story, and I'm most assuredly going to hell for the things I'm going to say, but, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

or, put more eloquently,
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!



There. Now, buckle the fuck up kids because here it comes:



Last year, the French team operated on a 29-year-old man with tumors that blurred his features in a face that looked almost monstrous. They transplanted a new lower face from a donor, giving the patient new cheeks, a nose and mouth. Six months later, he could smile and blink.

See, I can appreciate that there were tumors on his face and now there are not. I am beyond happy for him. I... holy shit, 29?!?!? I so regret looking at this article. I actually didn't read much of it before I started writing and assumed he was like, 60 or so and figured, "heck he's probably had a good life" or like, "well he's lived this long with them why bother?". But holy fucking face transplant batman.

The patients were not identified although photos were included in the reports.

Uhmmm... yea. Because you won't be able to pick them out of a crowd or anything...

As is the case with all transplants, doctors use immune-suppressing drugs to prevent the recipient's body from attacking the donated tissue. In both face transplants, the patients started rejecting the transplanted tissue more than once. Their doctors solved the problem by juggling their medications.

The French patient now takes three pills a day to prevent rejection.

The next time someone complains to me, I'm going to look them right in the eyes and say "well at least you don't have to take 3 pills a day so your body doesn't reject that neck vomit you call a face." Then since no one reads this, whomever I'm speaking to will most certainly stare at me, dumbfounded, at which point I'll poke them in the eyes and run away while they're temporarily blinded! Point being, it can't really get worse than that, so thank your lucky stars, right?

"That's less than most people with diabetes," said Lantieri, a plastic surgeon at the Henri Mondor-Albert Chenevier Hospital in suburban Paris.

...I... ok.. "Face transplants! Less work involved than if you'd had diabetes!" "Look on the bright side champ, sure your face looks like you just walked off the set of The Hills Have Eyes, but you won't be taking more than 3 pills and no pricking your finger to check your blood! Who's the big winner?!"

Ugh. I don't even know where to go with this thing from here. I'm skipping around a bit, but here:

Not everyone is convinced that face transplants are so revolutionary.
Dr. Patrick Warnke, a plastic surgeon at the University of Kiel in Germany, calls them a "dead-end road," because he doesn't think the rejection problem can be solved. Instead, he hopes to re-grow tissue from patients' own stem cells.

Gee, stem cells. Those fuckers seem like they would be incredibly helpful to the medical community. Why don't we put more money into that shit? Oh right...assholes.

Doctors plan to do more face transplants, but are having a hard time finding donors.
"Everyone says they would accept a face transplant if they were disfigured," Lantieri said. "The real question is, would you be a donor, or would you allow your family member to donate their face? That is the answer we need to change."

How do you plan on changing that answer though, really. Would you really want your deceased loved ones nose on someone else? Plus, there's always the chance a transplant could make your lives a bit...awkward. That shit's mind-boggling. All I want is to live in a world where this becomes a reality.

Well, I've gotta go. I've got a government job to abuse, and a lonely wife to fuck.

Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution (Berbalerbs Remix): Subway Wanderers

Back on my grind once again for Doc Pemulis...in this post, we'll be discussing "Subway Wanderers" who are basically--

Ok wait. Stop. I just, I can't. I can't do this yet. I have to say something.

Pemulis: please note I value you not only as a friend and butt buddy, but also as a journalistical blogospheric engineerist. But what the hell does the title of this thing mean?

I mean, most of it is fine:
Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution

Dr. Pemulis' (didn't know you got your PhD, but whatevs, congrats)
Good Time (always, fo sho)
Family (sure)
Subway (relevant)
Solution..?

Maybe it's just me but I don't see what problem is being solved by bitching about mouth breathing...but I'll stop. 90% of our readership (read: Pemulis) probably stopped reading this by now because this post is supposed to be about the subway...

Let's fuckin' dance.

How I imagine tall people see the world. ::sigh::

So this is what the subway generally looks like during "rush hour," which consists of the hours that all us good little worker ants go to work, and the hours when we return home to scrape our pipes for marijuana resin, drink PBR (non-ironically; I'm just that poor) and play video game baseball for 6 hours before we realize it's past midnight, we haven't eaten and we smell like shit (maybe this isn't "we," maybe just me. Whatever. Fuck you.).

You're standing there, kinda squished, minding your own business, listening to Gasolina by Daddy Yankee and trying to sing along to the words even though you don't speak Spanish (sumo-lay-mambo-pakka-me-gotta-Pringles-low-mow-Torres!!!). All of a sudden, you feel a push, followed shortly after by a frustrated "Excuuuuse me." You turn around, and to your surprise, here comes a dumb motherfucker trying to climb over dozens of people to move through the subway car...FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

Listen. If the subway car you are in looks like this:

I'd say it's fair to guess that THEY'RE ALL LIKE THAT, YA FUCKIN' MONGOLOID!!! What in the ever-loving FUCK are you looking for? Do you expect the next car to be empty, maybe 2 or 3 people, maybe some nice music playing, pretty bitches in short skirts serving complimentary cocktails? THIS IS NEW YORK, TAINT-STAIN! Our subways are crowded and smelly. ALL OF 'EM. So stand still, stop bumping into EVERY-FUCKING-BODY and let me enjoy my reggeaton.

...bay-Ali-guntala-GASO-LEEEE-NAAAA...

Barack Obama MotherF@cker!

In honor of his acceptance speech last night, here is all I could think of the entire time Barack spoke:

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Shockingly, Pope Doesn't Like Crucifrog

Before I get to the article in question, I'd like to give you a quick history of crucifixion, with a little help from my bestest wikifriendia:

Crucifixion probably originated with ancient Persians. There is evidence, that captured pirates were crucified in the port of Athens in the 7th century BC. Alexander the Great introduced the practice throughout his empire. He once crucified a general who disagreed with his campaign plans.

... And then the Romans...

Crucifixion was used for slaves, rebels, pirates and especially-despised enemies and criminals. Therefore crucifixion was considered a most shameful and disgraceful way to die. Condemned Roman citizens were usually exempt from crucifixion (like feudal nobles from hanging, dying more honorably by decapitation) except for major crimes against the state, such as high treason.

So for longer than John McCain's been alive (zing! motherfucker!), people have been punishing criminals by way of crucifixion. So who fucking cares that there's a stupid piece of "art" depicting a frog being killed in similar fashion, right? Oh, that's right. The Pope.

A modern art sculpture portraying a crucified green frog holding a beer mug and an egg that Pope Benedict has condemned as blasphemous may have its days numbered.

What! Come on! How is it fucking blasphemous?! 1. It's a frog. Jesus? Not a frog(...or was he?). 2. Frog holding egg and beer mug. Jesus? Did not die holding either a beer mug or an egg. (...or did he?) 3. As I pointed out earlier, thousands and thousands of criminals were killed in this fashion... If he had put a little sign under it saying like, "This frog was a murderer", would it have been ok then? People worship Aliens, for fuck's sake, but you don't hear Tom Cruise complaining about their portrayal in shit movies like Signs or something. Does that analogy make the slightest bit of sense? I can't really tell. Anyway. Why are Crucifrog's days numbered?

The board of the Museion museum in the northern city of Bolzano were meeting on Thursday to choose whether to side with the pope and other opponents of the frog or with proponents who say it should be defended as a work of art.

Look. I get that they're in Italy and everyone over there loves Jesus, like a lot or whatever. But seriously, don't you assholes have better shit to do? Also, I'd like to point out I'm not defending it as a work of art. It's a fucking stupid frog being crucified while holding an egg and a beer mug, it's fucking dumb. Oooooh how weird and out there, better say I like even though I don't fucking get it and it looks retarded. I'd also like to point out that this frog has "opponents".

The wooden sculpture by the late German artist Martin Kippenberger depicts a frog about 1 meter 4 feet high nailed to brown cross and holding a beer mug in one outstretched hand and an egg in another.

That's awesome that the thing is so huge, actually. I think I kind of like it now.

Called "Zuerst die Fuesse," (Feet First), it wears a green loin cloth and is nailed through the hands and the feet in the manner of Jesus Christ. Its green tongue hangs out of its mouth.

"In the manner of Jesus Christ" as opposed to say, "In the manner of literally thousands of criminals". I mean shit, two other guys - criminals - were crucified right next to Jesus. Also, there's a picture of the fucking thing at the top of the article, I'm not sure why they feel the need to describe it again, like someone is going to read this and be like "oooh so it's his tongue that's hanging out of his mouth!"

Museum officials in the northern bi-lingual Alto Adige region near the Austrian border said the artist, who died in 1997, considered it a self-portrait illustrating human angst.

...So... Mr. Kippinger thought of himself as... a frog who really liked beer and eggs? It's not easy being green? I... one groom! two grooms!? But he.. But I.. Oooooh my medication. Anyway, this is rigoddamndiculous.

Pope Benedict, who is German himself and was recently on holiday not far from Bolzano, obviously did not agree.

I'm curious to know what exactly Joey "The Rat Zinger" Ratzinger's heritage has to do with anything. Hey! He's a German, I'm part German, what say we pretend this whole thing never happened!

The Vatican wrote a letter of support in the pope's name to Franz Pahl, president of the regional government who opposed the sculpture.

"Surely this is not a work of art but a blasphemy and a disgusting piece of trash that upsets many people," [Franz] Pahl[president of the regional government who opposed the sculpture.] told Reuters by telephone as the museum board was meeting.

See, I'd be willing to meet you halfway on this one, but you had to use the blasphemy word. How is it blasphemous, exactly?

The Vatican letter said that the work "wounds the religious sentiments of so many people who see in the cross the symbol of God's love."

Oooooh I am soooo sorry! I wounded your religious sentiment with my frog sculpture! Even if I were a devout Catholic or something, I think I'd be more confused than offended by the thing, I think mainly because of the beer mug and the egg... what the fuck is up with those things? And is the symbol of God's love really tainted by a frog? Really? I get it. It's your symbol for God's love. You know what else it is? A fucking lower case t.

The museum then moved the statue out of its foyer and into a less trafficked area on the third floor.
But Pahl's opposition was unflagging and he has threatened to resign as regional president unless it is removed altogether.

God I hope he quits. "Why'd you resign?" "They refused to move a statue of a frog." "Oh..."

Art experts defend the work.
"Art must always be free and the artist should not have any restrictions on freedom of expression," Claudio Strinati, a superintendent for Rome's state museums, told an Italian newspaper on Thursday.

He then added, "To be fair though, it's a fucking 7 foot statue of a fucking frog being crucified while holding an egg and a beer stein, so what the fuck do I know."

John McCain Plans to Do Something "Exciting." His Heart Doctor is VERY Nervous.

I honestly believe that John McCain wants Obama to win this election. In a country where you have to win a good portion of the South and the Midwest to take the presidency, McCain can realistically take a nap until Election Day and still have a fairly good chance of taking this thing.

Because Obama's a Muslim. And his Christian Pastor is crazy, too. Obviously.

Fuckin' rednecks. Anyway,

(CNN) – John McCain will directly address rival Barack Obama Thursday night, in an ad the Arizona senator's campaign is calling "exciting and unprecedented."
OoooooOOOoooooOOOooooo exciting and unprecendented? Um...yeah. I'd gladly empty my bank account and wager all of my money that the ad is going to be another stupid mudslinging piece of shit that will try to argue that Obama is either too young, too well-liked, or too kickass to be president. Or some such shit.


The ad, set to run in crucial battleground states, is the McCain campaign's latest in a series of attempts to pull media attention away from the Democratic National convention as Obama gets ready to accept his party's presidential nomination.
Good luck there, Orville Redenbacher. I'm sure your new commercial about tax policies and a free Rascal program for your bingo-night buddies is going to beat out Stevie Wonder, Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, N.E.R.D., and Sheryl Crow, not to mention the first time a presidential candidate has ever accepted the nomination in front of a GI-FUCKIN-NORMOUS crowd of actual people, not just douchebags with old-timey barbershop hats and dumbass pins.


The McCain campaign would reveal little details about the commercial,

"It's crotchety, I can tell you that much," said an insider to the McCain camp.

but said it would air around the time Obama is slated to speak before an estimated 75,000 spectators at Invesco field.

Maybe he'll surprise everybody. Maybe this will be a news-worthy commerical. Maybe he'll drop the N Bomb? He was alive during slavery, right?

Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution (Berbalerbs Remix): Step Step Stop

Hi Kiddies! Dr. Pemulis asked me if I could come in and tell you all a nice little story of the super-cuckoo stuff that happens on the New York Subway that irks the ever-loving fuckjuice out of me.
Today's topic: Door Blockers

"Chee wor hard for dee monee, bap bap, bap bap, sooooo hard for dee monee bap bap, bap bap"

The space by the doors on the subway is a coveted bit of real estate. I get it. You can lean back if you like, you don't have to hold on to anything, you can dance while staring at yourself in the reflection from the window, and if there's an attractive lady sitting in the seat next to where you're standing, you can check out her cleavage while you convince yourself she only looks 14. And, of course, you're first in line to get off the train! All in all, a pretty nice fuckin' space to stand on the subway.

Which is why some New Yorkers like to "call dibbs" on the spot. In the most retarded, asshole-ish way possible.

Picture this, if you will: it's 8:56 AM. You're standing in the Hoyt-Schermehorn station in Brooklyn waiting for the A/C train to wisk you away to another day of expense reports, flight arrangements, spreadsheets, and trying to rub one out beneath your desk without being conspicuous. You're a little miffed because you spilled some of your delicious Dunkin Donuts iced coffee on your new white shirt, which you knew was going to happen because every single fucking time you wear a white shirt, this type of shit happens and you don't even know how the fucking coffee got on your shirt because you're always doubly fucking careful with a white shirt on and--

You get the picture. Shitty morning already.

So the train pulls up, and there are quite a few people getting on, which is normal for rush hour on a weekday. There's only one person ahead of you in line to get on the train, so you're thinking "not bad, might have an off chance of grabbing a seat or a coveted doorway spot."

BING. BONG.(hehe, "bong," hehe)

The train doors open. Dude in front of you steps on. Stops.

The car is not full. There are many people still boarding the train (including you) and. this. mother. fucking. goober. stops.

Ladies and Gentlemen of New York City: if you really fucking need your little doorway spot that badly, if your bones are too brittle to stand without support on all sides of you (NOTE: most of these door blocking asscakes are big young guys with either a business suit or a fitted back Yankees cap on) FINE, take a step onto the subway, TURN FUCKING SIDEWAYS and proceed to annoyingly bump everyone as they board the train, and return to your precious little fucking standing space. BUT AT LEAST LET THE REST OF US GET ON THE FUCKING TRAIN YOU ABSOLUTE SCOURGE TO MANKIND.

"But the space next to me is open," you say. "I'm not blocking the whole entrance." Interesting point. Do me a favor? Today after you get home from work try and kill yourself with a claw hammer in just one swing. Do that for me, will you?

I don't know what it is, but for some reason I get subway rage as bad as drivers get road rage. All of a sudden, I'll disregard the fact that the dude who just "stepped stepped stopped" looks very similar to Deebo from Friday and just plow into the motherfucker. I feel like it's a personal responsibility of mine to inform the miscreints of this fair city that you will NOT break the social contract of the MTA without consequences. This, thankfully hasn't gotten me killed yet. Yet.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Dancers!

And no, I do not mean subway dancers like this:



I'm talking about a much more narcissistic type of subway dancer. The subway dancer I want to discuss with you today, dear reader, is the subway dancer who has headphones on and stares dreamily at their reflected surface on the door windows.

The dancer in question today was an older gentleman with slicked back hair in a partytail. He was bobbing his head up and down to what had to have been some kickin' hip hop (this particular type of dance/head-bob would seem quite out of place set to jazz fusion or the original cast recording of rent). And he stared at himself the entire 15 minutes I was on the train. I imagine he was envisioning himself as a mega rap star, surrounded by hot babes in leather bikinis. Did I mention this gentleman was wearing shorts and a looney toons t-shirt?

Anyway, my question is: what compels someone to do this? I personally was brought up with a sense of shame, and know that doing something so completely vain is something not socially acceptable, and will end with me feeling like a total asshole. Does this guy and every other person that does this not notice the other 50 people in the subway car, looking at them and trying not to laugh? Don't you have to know that everyone who looks at you is wondering what kind of stupid fucking moron you are?

If you or someone you know is one of these complete fuck-wits and would like to shed some light on the issue, please feel free to email me and explain.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

UPDATE: Crazy Bitch Clones Dog, Not Self (Thankfully)

Alright kiddies, if you've already read this, follow me down to the bottom of the post for more ABSOLUTE FUCKING INSANITY. If you haven't read this post yet, it starts directly beneath this picture of two pitbulls making out. Do yourself a favor: go get you some crazy.

Fuglympic Gold Medal Relay Team poses after Shattering World Fugliness Record

Are you ready for the crazy? I mean really ready for it? You sure? Alright then...


A woman who made news around the world when she had five pups cloned from her beloved pit bull Booger...[is] the same woman who 31 years earlier was accused of abducting a Mormon missionary in England, handcuffing him to a bed and making him her sex slave.
If you're hung-over, or high, or just brain-numbed from your boring, tedious, directionless, thankless, never ending Greek Mythology Torture-esque pattern of inanity that is a 9 to 5 job, I want you to read that quote over again. Let the true batshit craziness of it sink in.

Now I want you to know this: we haven't even gotten to the "pretending to be deaf/mute actors in Ireland to escape the fuzz" part.
Through tears, [Joyce "Fuckin' Looney" McKinney] explained that she went public with her efforts to replicate Booger, who died two years ago, hoping people would be able to focus on that story rather than the "garbage" of the past.

The "garbage" of you shackling up some dude and raping him repeatedly? Yeah, you wasting tens of thousands of dollars to "replicate" your dead dog is WAAAY more news-worthy than that "garbage."

"I thought people would be honest enough to see me as a person who was trying to do something good and not as a celebrity," McKinney said.

If it helps any, I don't think people see you as either. I'm pretty sure you're viewed more as a "crazy fucking bitch." Also, I don't recall ever being "honest enough to see" something. WTF's that even mean?

"My mother always taught me, 'Say something good or say nothing at all."'

Did your mother ever teach you, "Don't rape people?"

"I think I gave people too much credit"

Um...excuse me, miss?
YOU KIDNAPPED A MORMON, HANDCUFFED HIM TO A BED, RAPED HIM REPEATEDLY, AND NOW YOU FEEL THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING YOUR DEAD DOG (who you named FUCKING BOOGER) CLONED, YOU SHOULD BE APPLAUDED BY THE MASSES FOR DOING "SOMETHING GOOD?" FORREALLY REALZ?!?

Ahem. Sorry guys. I get a little emotional sometimes. Here. To bring some levity back into the room. Now, where were we? Ah yes, back to the crazy.

It's time to take a deeper look into what happened 31 years ago that made Joyce McKinney the, uh, "celebrity" she is now...

The story of Joyce McKinney is the stuff of pulp fiction: a North Carolina-born beauty queen who moved west, won the title Miss Wyoming USA and went on to college at Brigham Young University, where she became obsessed with a Mormon fellow student.

It should be noted that Ms. McKinney most likely moved to Wyoming to continue her "career" as a "beauty queen" because there are no attractive people in Wyoming. Whatsoever. At all. Thus making it easier for someone who looks like this to win a State Beauty Pageant:

[Insert Sound of Car Crash Here]

It should also be noted that MSNBC's article describes the victim as being "Mormon" every single solitary time he is brought up, like it's a contractual obligation they have with Mormonocity (that's what you call their practice, right?)

[McKinnley] and a male accomplice were accused of abducting the 21-year-old [Mormon] missionary as he went door to door [Mormonly], taking him [and his Mormonic ass] to a rented 17th-century "honeymoon cottage" in Devon and chaining him spread-eagle to a bed with several pairs of mink-lined handcuffs [Mormon].

Mink-lined handcuffs, eh? Well, I guess if you have to be a sex slave, the least you can hope for is to be a stylish one.

But why? Why would someone do such a terrible, traumatizing, torturous thing? Why, love of course!

Joyce McKinney said she'd fallen head-over-heels in love with the Mormon man and acknowledged tracking him to England. "I loved him so much," she told a judge, "that I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to."

So...yeah. Don't really need a smart-ass comment for that one. Moving on...

But she denied a sexual assault, saying the young man was a willing partner.

What I imagine is some naked Mormon dude (no homo) running through the streets of Devon, England with handcuffs and bits of bedposts all over the place screaming something like "AAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGOMYGODHELPMESOMECRAZYBITCHBEENRAPINMEHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP" and he finally found a police officer and explained his case and the cop was probably all "what're you, queer? That sounds awesome," to which the Mormon probably replied:

and the police officer was all "OH GOD NO" and "dude, I'm so SO sorry" and then they found this bitch, and arrested her and she was like "um, he...wanted to?"

AND Ms. McKinney is still harping on the same argument her defense attorneys (unsuccessfully) used three decades ago: the Mormon in question is a big dude.

"I didn't rape no 300-pound man," she said. "He was built like a Green Bay Packer."

Eloquently stated, Joyce. Although, there is the whole thing that he was
HANDCUFFED TO YOUR FUCKING BED, NOT TO MENTION THE ONLY THING ONE WOULD NEED TO EVEN THE PLAYING FIELD WITH A "300 lb MORMONIC GREEN BAY PACKER" IS A FUCKING ACCOMPLICE...WHICH YOU HAD. SO...YEAH.

Sorry again. You know how I get sometimes...it's only 'cause I love you.

So McKinney and her accomplice go to jail in London for 3 whole months. They are released on bail, and then...for those of you who thought I was joking about the "deaf/mute actor" thing before,

The pair then jumped bail, posing as deaf-mute actors in Ireland to board an Air Canada flight to Toronto and eventually a bus to Cleveland, where investigators lost their trail.

AirCanada Employee: Can I have yer tickets there, eh?

/Joyce and Accomplice stare, silent.

AirCanada Employee: Um, excuse me, but do you two hosers have tickets 'er not, cause...

/More staring, more silence

AirCanada Employee: Aw fer cryin out loud here!

AirCanada Manager: Watch yer language, eh!

AirCanada Employee: Saaaay, yer not those deaf-myoot acters they told us ta look out fer, are ya?

/Joyce and Accomplice shrug, nod.

AirCanada Employee: Well why didn't ya say so! Oop, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA didja here what I just said there, why...didn't...ya...say... ::sigh:: Welp, let's get you ta Toronto, eh?

So Joyce McKinney, dog lover, rapist, and apparent International Crazy Bitch of Mystery disappears into the bustling metropolis of Cleavland, a city so alive, so vibrant, they named pooping on someone's chest after it.

Life went on pretty normally for McKinney (read: she was arrested again for stalking the same poor Mormon, and police found rope and handcuffs in her car and again she found a way to disappear right before her trial) as she tried to cope with the trauma that comes with raping someone...apparently.

"It's taken years of therapy to get past this," she said. "We go to church and serve the Lord and try to lead good lives and do good things."

Years of therapy...for...her? I'm sorry but I've seen Misery, and not once during that film do I think, "man, Kathy Bates's character really has it rough, torturing this dude and keeping him captive. Men are pigs!"

And then...the pitbull cloning. Lotsa mini-Boogers. And from what I can tell through all of the research I've done (including and limited to reading this article), it seems like she wanted it to be a big news story. And I can't imagine that she really thought no one was going to notice who she was...I mean, it's almost like she's...how do you say it...ah yes, crazy as all fucking get-out.

McKinney said that, as far as she's concerned, the Joyce McKinney of 31 years ago doesn't exist. She maintains her innocence and says the woman of all those years ago is a "figment of the tabloid press. ... I don't want that garbage in with the puppy story."

This is EXACTLY why I always end my craigslist personal ads with "No Fatties, No Crazies (but mostly no fatties)."

CRAZY ASS UPDATE: CRAZY ASS BITCH OUT-CRAZIES CRAZY ASS SELF (CRAZY)

This bitch makes me want to dance around singing scat while throwing computer monitors at my workplace naked wearing a top hat.

I just want to feel the craziness that is this chick's every day life...even for one fleeting, beautiful moment.

A woman who made headlines by having five pups cloned and was linked to an abduction case in England is also wanted in Tennessee on charges she tried to plan a burglary in 2004, a defense attorney and prosecutors there said.

Pfffft...burglary? Come on, MSNBC...give the people what they want...give 'em the fucking CRAZY:

Authorities said she instructed a 15-year-old boy to break into a house, and [her poor, poor public defendant] Crockett said she needed the money to buy a false leg for a beloved horse.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Now that's some goooooooood crazy. So, let's review...This bitch:

  1. Fell in love at college - Not Crazy
  2. Followed her Mormonic crush to England (unbeknownst to him), hired someone to help her chain him down on a bed and proceeded to rape him until he escaped and ran to the cops. Pleaded not guilty, claimed sex was consensual - Decidedly Fucking Crazy
  3. Jumped bail and fled back to America - Ballsy, but not necessarily crazy...it would depend on how she--
  4. Posed as a deaf/mute Irish actor in order to jump bail via Air Canada - OMFG Crazy
  5. Acquires a horse who somehow loses a leg (kept it chained to the bed a lil' too long, didn't ya, McKinney?) and enlists the help of a 15 year old (that she befriended? bribed with candy? taught about the "birds and the bees?" /throws up a little in mouth) to rob someone for fake horse leg funds? - Championship Quality Fucking Crazy
And then of course, there's the cloning of a dead dog named Booger. Jeez...this bitch is like, exhaustingly insane. I can really picture her sitting in her shanty just dreaming up new crazy-ass highjinks to blow people's minds.

Anyhoo, they find this heifer with a 15 year old in her van and they arrest her, right? And obviously if this bitch is sending little tikes on B&E missions for dough, she can't afford an attorney...welp, that's about the time the cloud started to cover the sun in public defender David Crockett's world. He had landed him a crazy and a--

Hold up. David Crockett? Like Davey Crockett? I wonder if people always sing that song around him?
"Yes, they do, and it annoys the shit out of me," said Crockett.
Right then. Moving along...well it seems as though either through the random fates or a judge's affinity towards buddy comedies, Joyce McKinney was paired up with Crockett, who, judging by his quotes, seems like an English butler circa 1784.

"There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her," Crockett said. "She was a rather bizarre character, and seems to have a strange circumstance now."

Can you imagine these two across the table from each other?

Crockett: Ms. McKinney, it is imperative that your aesthetic presence besuits a lady who's-- I'm sorry, what is that aromatic attrocity?

/McKinney reaches into pants, produces small bit of feces, slams feces onto table, giggles, deficates more

McKinney: Horsey!!!

Crockett: Oh my.

Priest Sets Up Beauty Pageant for Nuns: Everyone Loses - UPDATE!!!

'Miss Sister 2008' will show that nuns aren't all old and dour.

An Italian priest and theologian said Sunday he is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour.

As someone who went to Catholic school from age 5 to age 23, I think can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that all nuns are both old, and dour. Also, more visibility within the church? What does that even mean? Every nun I've met taught at the school and didn't seem to do much else. They don't let women become priests so it's not like they're saying mass or something. And I think we all know that any even remotely attractive lady thinking of becoming a nun leaves the convent to find better things to do, like teach a family how to love.

The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image.

I find it pretty hilarious that this priest has a godblog. And that the first thing he's doing on it is putting up pictures of babes. Rock on reverend.

"Nuns are a bit excluded, they are a bit marginalized in ecclesiastical life," Rungi told The Associated Press after Italian media carried reports of the idea. "This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible."

So their contribution is... being good looking? I'm not really sure I understand. Is it going to be pictures of nuns in bikinis feeding the homeless? You know Nuns used to have to take a mans name when they became Nuns? Sister John Thomas. They only recently changed it. This was not because they were getting grade-A tail applying for nunships.

"We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits," Rungi said by telephone from his town of Mondragone. "But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it."

Oh. But so then what will they be wearing? External beauty is a gift from God, which is why only the ugly nuns wear habits. I'd like to think there is a memo somewhere with the list of requirements for becoming a nun. 1. Must be a lady. 2. Must really love God. Like more than a friend. 3. Preferably ugly, though not required.

Rungi said the idea was first suggested to him by nuns with whom he regularly prays and works. He hopes there will be dozens of submissions once the Web site is started.

"...through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." "That was a great prayer Tony, by the way, don't you think people on the internet would want to see me and maybe some of my friends wearing something revealing?" "Dear God. Yes."

The contest drew criticism from the association of Catholic teachers.

Can't imagine what objections they'd have to this clearly well thought out and genius plan...

"It's an initiative that belittles the role of nuns who have dedicated themselves to God," the group's president, Alberto Giannino, told Italy's ANSA news agency on Sunday.

I don't really see how it belittles them, as long as the website is rolled out with a calendar of priests dressed as firemen - equality people. Equality.

Hey look, I went this whole post without making a joke about touching little kids! That shits too easy, I'm too clever for that. Besides, I'm still all warped and shit from when I was molested as an altar boy. In his defense, I spent most of seventh grade dressing like a goddamn slut and was practically begging for it.

TOTALLY UNSEXY UPDATE:


An Italian priest, who had planned an online "pageant" for nuns, has suspended the project, saying he was misinterpreted and had no intention of putting sisters on a beauty catwalk.

Nope, he just wanted them to submit pictures of themselves on the internet, which could only go super well with no chance of backfiring or causing problems!

"My superiors were not happy. The local bishop was not happy, but they did not understand me either," Father Antonio Rungi told Reuters by telephone from his convent in southern Italy on Tuesday.

Of course he's not pointing out that the possible reason they didn't understand him is because the idea made zero sense and was idiotic from the get-go, but maybe he'll clarify...

"It was not at all my intention to put nuns on the catwalk," said Rungi, a priest of the Passionists religious order, speaking from his convent in the town of Mondragone.

Oh, ok great. Now that you've repeatedly stated what you didn't want to do, any chance of you telling us exactly what you did want to do then? No? Awesome.

Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from the Naples area, wrote in his blog that his intention was to show "the interior beauty" of a nun and the work she does for the Church and for society, mostly in education and health care.

So you see, what he wanted was for people to vote on which nun's physical picture made you think "interior beauty model". He even had a slogan for the website all ready to go: Go online and vote for the lady who makes you go "Oooooh an she helpin the poor all sexy-like...on the inside"

"We have to draw more attention to the world of nuns, who are often not sufficiently appreciated by society," he wrote, adding that he had hoped his initiative would help boost sagging vocations to religious lie.

I can only assume that that should read life and is [sic], or maybe msnbc is subtly being anti-christian. Bill Donahue where are you?! Either way it made me chuckle.

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Mouthbreathers!


So on the subway this morning, I notice a young, portly gentleman sitting across the way from me. What jumped out immediately was that, aside from being quite rotund, his jaw appeared to rest on his chest for all 5 or so stops I had on the train. This makes you look like a slack-jawed yokel. What I've never understood about mouth breathers is this: is this something innate? Or is it conditioning or what? Are you born predestined to be a mouth breather, or does it take years of white trash upbringing? Perhaps wikipedia will shed some light on the sitch.


A healthy individual normally breathes through the nose while resting or doing light exercise, and breathes simultaneously through both the nose and mouth during vigorous aerobic exercise, in order to supply sufficient oxygen. Excessive mouth breathing is problematic because air is not filtered and warmed as much as when inhaled through the nose, as it bypasses the nasal canal and paranasal sinuses, and dries out the mouth. Mouth breathing is often associated with congestion, obstruction, or other abnormalities of the upper respiratory tract. Mouth breathing is a diagnostic sign of adenoiditis especially with persistent rhinorrhea. Comorbidities include asthma, obesity, snoring, halitosis, and obstructive sleep apnea.

So either you're a great big fat person or your sinuses are fucked. But at least in addition to making you look like a fucking idiot it makes your breath stink! Hurray!

Mouth breathing in public is sometimes considered to be less socially acceptable or attractive than nose breathing, as mouth breathers can appear to have a somewhat "slack jawed" look, and mouth breathing can cause or exacerbate bad breath. Consequently, the term "mouth breather" may be used in a pejorative sense for someone lacking in hygiene or intelligence.

Looks like the internets agrees. You look like a goddamn moron, knock it off. I also wonder if this is a treatable thing. Can you just be like, more conscious so that assholes on the subway don't judge to be mentally deficient? Like, can't you just shut your stupid hick mouth or does gravity affect your dumb face differently than normal folk like me? You know what I want early in the morning on a crowded subway? To smell your halitosis! Thanks asshole! Do they make purrell for noses yet? Or better yet, is it illegal to mace someone for being a mouth breather?

Monday, August 25, 2008

School District Allows Teachers to Carry Guns. Guess Which State?

In the latest challenge to the rest of the world's taint-brained idiots, Texas, the state that gave us Hold 'Em Poker and killing retards, just stepped it up a notch.

In an effort to protect against gun violence, a small Texas school district has decided to flood their schools with firearms. Ow, fuck!

Sorry. That just left my brain butt-hurt.

School experts backed [David "Complete Fucking Dumbass"] Thweatt's claim that Harrold, a system of about 110 students 150 miles northwest of Fort Worth, may be the first to let teachers bring guns to the classroom.
A few items:
  1. Kill yourself with a blunt object, David Thweatt. Or you can use a gun...there's now one available in EVERY CLASSROOM.
  2. Of fucking COURSE you're the first ones to do this, it's a FUCKTARDED idea. If you were to allow teacher/student dating at your elementary school , you'd have another "first." Doesn't mean it's "pioneering."
  3. There are 110 students in the system. Not in a school. Not in a grade. From Pre-K to 12th (like Texans even need a 12th grade, but whatevs, it's there) there are one hundred and ten students. Are you really afraid one of the 3 kids in your 8th grade math class is going to go on a massacre?
  4. If I were an 8th grade math student who wanted to go on a massacre, a good place to do it would be this district, 'cause there's already a FUCKING GUN AVAILABLE IN EVERY CLASSROOM.
It's terrible that I'm giddily anticipating this, but I almost can't WAIT until a 9 year is blown away by his slack-jawed gym teacher for "runnin' at me all menacin'-like." Seriously, present me with a scenario where arming Texan teachers with semi-autos in a tiny backwoods-ass school district produces a positive outcome and you win a prize.
"We have a lock-down situation, we have cameras, but the question we had to answer is, 'What if somebody gets in? What are we going to do?" he said. "It's just common sense."
What...if..."someone"...gets in? How the fuck is that a question you "had" to answer?
HEY QUEEF-FOR-BRAINS, THERE'S 110 STUDENTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING DISTRICT, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU'VE EVEN SEEN A STRANGER YOU COW TIPPING SISTER FUCKING BUMPED-YOUR-HEAD-DIVING-INTO-THE-SHALLOW-END-OF-THE-GENE-POOL CUD FUCKERS???

There hasn't been, to my knowledge, one single fucking instance in the history of this nation where some random dude(s) ran up into a school and shot people for the fuck of it. It's approximately 10,000,000,000,000.001% more likely to be someone from the inside, like a student...or a recently armed teacher.

New Feature! Pemulis's Daily Dish! Less Gay Name Coming Soon (Let's Hope)

So I've moved offices. This means I now have an extra 20 minutes added to my commute - each way! Fucking sweet! Anyway, this means I get to sit on the subway every day instead of walking from Grand Central. This means more hilarity for you, the reader! How fucking pumped are you?! I can smell your collective boner from here! Anyway, every day I'll be posing an important question that comes to me from an observation made on the subway. Let's kick this bitch off!!!

So on the train this morning, riding on the subway, I see this couple get on at Penn Station. The gentlemen of the couple was a normal looking guy. Thin, fit, seemingly quite normal. The woman, however, was about the size of a Martha Dumptruck. She literally took up one and 2/3rds of a seat on the train. Anyway, they were looking at a map at one point, they might have been foreign - I would have listened to them speak, but I assumed she would sound like a Hutt. Mainly I was listening to The Tallest Man on Earth and it fucking rocked and I didn't want to stop listening to it. But so each one of her thighs was about as big and wide as my entire body.

Aside from wondering why the guy was with her (fat girls give good head? he's a eunuch? he's the most charitable guy alive?) , the question that came to me, that I probably should have asked them is as follows: When they're going at it, does he ever accidentally grab a stomach roll, thinking he's grabbed a can? And if he does, does she correct him, or does she just go with it hoping he doesn't notice? And if he does notice, what does he do? If they both kind of make knowing eye contact - whom is more embarrassed?

If you have any insight into this situation (if you or someone you know is a fat person), please email me and let me know.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Smokozuna

I probably deserve to die for that title. Whatevs.


For the first time that sumo wrestling's governing body can recall, one of its revered athletes has been nabbed for drug possession.

Yeah drug possession! What is it, coupla kilos of crack, maybe some black tar heroin, a toilet paper roll's worth of acid tabs maybe a little--

Police arrested [some fat bastard] this week after saying they found a third of a gram of marijuana in his wallet --

Excuse me, what? A third of a gram of marijuana? You fuckin' joshing me? To those of you who don't smoke the wacky tobacky:

  1. What the fuck are you doing reading this blog?
  2. A third of a gram of marijuana is just enough to get no one on the fucking planet high. Honestly, I probably have a third of a gram of marijuana shavings lining my pockets right now. And I'm not even wearing pants. A message to the...Sumo...Wrestling...League of Whatever-the-fuck: Step your drug-abuse game up. Here. These guys can help.
How is this even a news story? What's the penalty on a third of a gram? 45 minutes in jail, a kick in the shins--

Enough to land him in prison on a diet of forced labor for five years if he's convicted.

Kudos to CNN.com for slipping in a fat joke. Oh, and
WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

Five fucking years in a fucking forced fucking labor fucking prison (fucking)? Excuse me for a moment, will you?

(Erases "Get High in Japan" from Bucket List)

Ok. Where were we? Ah yes, I did a little research on our "little" munchie-inducing sumo, and it turns out he's only like, 335 pounds. Pretty fuckin' weak for a sumo if you ask me. Here he is at his last match getting a fatass-whooping:


Step your fatass game up, son.

So this is the latest in a string of minor sumo offenses being blown way out of proportion, like when current sumo champion BlahblahSomethingJapanese lied about being hurt so he could skip an exhibition match, or when a bunch of sumos allegedly killed a teenaged sumo to death. Well, ok that last one's pretty bad. Point is, all of this negative shit is hurting the ancient, sacred practice of fat men rubbing bellies:

Fewer Japanese boys are entering the tough life of sumo, so the Sumo Association is recruiting foreigners like Wakanoho and Asashoryu.

And most recently, Billy-Bob "Takinakiwakiyahoo" Jenkins from Burnt Corn, Alabama:

He's single, ladies!


Attendance is down at the stadiums, as more Japanese embrace soccer and baseball.

What a shame. More people are turning to sports that require physical prowess, athleticism and actual skill. I'm sorry but any professional sport where this guy can become a champion is just not trying hard enough.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Old Ms. Leda Smith Gon' F*ck Yo Shit Right the Hell on Up.

So, you're a 17 year old vagrant in Point Marion, Pennsylvania. You and your boys have been burglarizing the neighborhood for a couple of weeks now, and it's been pretty sweet. You need some dough to buy Madden '09, and all the money from the McKenzie house robbery was spent on shitty weed and Colt 45's. You think to yourself, "we didn't hit up old lady Smith's house yet. She's probably got some cheddah. I'm gonna pay the old bitch a visit tonight."

Astronomical. Fucking. Mistake.

You scurry up to the side of the house. You try the window. It's open! "Hah," you think to yourself, "this is going to be like taking candy from an old person."

You're inside. You move stealthily, although you're sure you don't need to, 'cause old people are deaf as shit, and this bitch has been asleep for hours, and--

What was that?

Silence. Probably nothing. These old houses are creaky, probably just settling or--

'the fuck you think yo' doin here?

You spin around, and this is the sight that greets you: What's good, muh'fucka? What's REALLY good? Y'all been knockin' ova houses fo' a few weeks now, huh? You a big shot now, huh? Well, Mr. Big shot, I got news fo' you: ya keep knockin' at the Devil's door, sooner or later, someone gon' answer...y'sloppy lil' BITCH!

Alright, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. The old lady probably cursed a bit more but, hey, this is a family site.

An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, police said.
I'm sorry but that is sooooo gangsta. She makes the kid report himself! Like,

Um, hello, 9-1-1? Yeah, um, I'm currently trying to rob 236 Clearfield Road. Yeah, down near the Little League field. Uh huh. Yeah. Me. No, I'm the one doing the robbery. Yes, I'm reporting myself. No, I don't work at TJ Maxx, what? Because the person I'm robbing told me to call you. Yeah, she's right here. Because she's holding a gun. Like, 93 years old. (I'm 85 and I look GREAT, muh'fucka!) Um, she's 85. (AND?) And she looks great...muh'fucka.

"I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun," Leda Smith said.
Yep. That's right. She snuck past the kid. How do you carry on in life, after getting housed SO badly by an 85 year old woman?!? I really wonder what happens to these people.
"I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said.
Ah, this offers us a little insight to how a 17 year old can be out-stealthed by an 85 year old: the kid is a complete fucking inbecile.

Really, "I didn't do it?" Motherfucker, you're standing here, in my house, at 2 AM! What do you mean, "you didn't do it?" You're CURRENTLY FUCKING DOING IT. Jeez...go protest Tropic Thunder some more, why don't ya.

"It was exciting," Smith said. "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here."
Way to kick all kindza ass, Ms. Leda Smith. Here, to honor your accomplishment, I present to you a celebratory parade of old bitches with firearms. And God bless us...every one.




I Guess It Must be Vengeful God's Shift

I said thou shalt not STEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Yes, that's what I think God looks like. Anyhoo...
Michigan authorities say a shoplifting suspect died after being crushed in a trash compactor where she was hiding.
Wouldn't it be great if this was the way it always happened? Like, some douche cuts you off in traffic and his car immediately bursts into flames and runs off the road?
Mmmmmm...a girl can dream.
The Eaton County sheriff's department said two women fled a Lansing-area TJ Maxx discount store after spraying a security guard with Mace.

Yeesh...at least they she could've died trying to hold up a bank or something...a TJ Maxx hold-up isn't exactly something where you're like, "we may not make it out of this alive." Oh, and

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING HOLDING UP A TJ MAXX DISCOUNT STORE?

Really? Is the $17.25 they have in the register really worth risking jailtime, or worse...karmic death by trash compactor?

So there were two ladies involved in this stick-up, one who was immediately found hiding behind the trash compactor. Heh, everyone probably thought she was the stupid one...for a few minutes.

Shortly afterward, authorities got a call about a woman trapped in the trash compactor.

Uh, yeah hello, 9-1-1? Um, yeah, either a rat has learned English or there's a lady trapped in our trash compactor. Did we turn what off? Oh, the trash compactor? No. Heh, that woulda been pretty smart, huh? What? Oh, I work here at the TJ Maxx. What do you mean, "that makes sense?"

Bikini Baristas will boil your tea, also your face.

how about a hot cup of Rudy to go with that hot cup of joe?


A man dressed in a woman bra and panties drove up to a Java Girls, which is a coffee stand where the girls where bikinis (Note to self: find a Java Girls). Anyway, this guy drove up not once, not twice, but three times. I don't want to spoil the ending, But the source is here. And so here we go

Jamae Feddock, a bikini clad barista at Java Girls, said she first thought the man dressed in women’s underwear and exposing himself was a sick joke, until the man came back several times.

A couple of things here. 1. What the fuck does Jamae spell? and 2. Regardless of how many times he returned... isn't it still kind of a sick joke?

The first time he came to the window Feddock said he was wearing a white bra and white panties and touching himself inappropriately.

As opposed to appropriately touching himself. Like giving himself a pat on the back or clapping his hands in anticipation of the caffeinated joy he was about to receive. White bra and panties though? At least he was matching. Too bad they couldn't get a look at his feet, I wonder if he was wearing pumps or something sexy.

Then he came back a second time.
“He has underwear over his face, he's wearing hot pink panties now and the underwear that he was wearing is over his face and there's a little peephole so he can see,” Feddock said.


See, now that's just tacky. Though I do find it curious that Jamae deems it necessary to note the colors of each panty he happened to be donning as if that's going to be more helpful than say... the make and model of his car. Also, obviously he's going to have a peephole so he can see, he's driving a car for god's sake!

Feddock and another barista were working around 5 a.m. last Thursday when the incident happened. They tried to get a look at the man’s license plate, but that too was covered up with women’s underwear.

First and foremost, how awesome is it that you can get hot coffee at 5a.m. served to you by babes in bikinis? Also, that is some serious dedication, to cover your license plate with ladies undies. This is clearly a man who likes his panties. I bet he's like, a well respected doctor or something. We know those guys are nothing but trouble.

When the man came back a third time one of the baristas took a cup of 220 degree water and doused him with it.

Hmm... Well, I bet that showed him, the fucking pervert! Probably drove off in horrible agony!

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said oooh yeah,” Feddock said.

Hahahahahaha. I don't think you can even be mad, at that point. I think then you just kind of tip your cap and go "Well played sir." Though of course now he's probably shouting "I look like the hamburglar!"

Police agencies around Pierce County said they are seeing more and more incidents of indecent exposure -- as more coffee stands open -- many with women dressed provocatively -- or barely dressed at all.

See? You don't want some guy to drive up to you in ladies panties and start jerking off at you, stop dressing in bikinis! I think it's a perfectly logical way to think about this.

“I don't think we can make a quid pro quo there that this is causing the effect, and they certainly don't deserve that behavior, but we do have some of these stands that have been victimized by these activities,” said Det. Sgt. Jerry Bates a Pierce County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Oh, well I suppose my logic was a little flawed... maybe that explains why I'm not allowed at the beach any more.


Video of the whole thing here. Since they won't let me embed it, the fuckfaces.

Hobo Accused of Being Creepy, Hobo-like

Looks like Portland is stepping it up in the division of their police department that handles shit that doesn't really matter.

Police said they arrested a man on suspicion of leaving child pornography in a library bathroom and putting a hole in the divider between stalls in late July.

Sometimes, if I'm grocery shopping, I'll pick something up, then later put it on a shelf if I decide I no longer want it. Often it is not the correct shelf, but I didn't know you could get arrested for that shit! And what's a library doing with child pornography anyway? And at least specify if the hole was fer' spyin' or if it was for glory...ing.

Jonathan Jennings was in custody Tuesday accused of leaving child pornography in the men's room at the Tualatin Public Library on July 22.

Ok, kind of redundant, considering your last paragraph, but fine. Now he have his name, the exact date and the gender of the bathroom and which library he was in. Go on...

Police said they arrested the homeless man at the Tualatin Community Park after finding his fingerprints on the pornographic picture that a library worker found.

Oh! He's fucking homeless. No wonder he left his shit on the floor of a public bathroom. Where's he supposed to keep his kiddie porn, in his desk? Jaysus, kick a guy while he's down why don't you?

The worker also found a hole in a bathroom stall divider... Police said his fingerprints were also on child pornography that was found at the park earlier this month.
When he was arrested, police said they found a hole in the divider between stalls in the bathroom at the Tualatin Community Park that had previously been repaired had been reopened.


So, my guess for my earlier quandary about peepin' versus glory holin' looks like it's probably the former. So that's kind of fucked up. But at the same time, how big is this hole? I personally tend to notice if there's someone in the stall next to me when I enter one, so I think I would notice if said toilet neighbor were then staring at me through a hole in the stall. At which point I would then shoo him, the way one would a pigeon or squirrel. No harm, no foul.

Jennings was lodged at the Washington County Jail on charges of encouraging child sex abuse and criminal mischief. More charges could be brought against him as the investigation continues.

"Lodged" He was lodged at the jail. Sounds like a B & B! That's probably a step up from being homeless, no? Free roof over your head, free meals, sounds awesome compared to park benches and bathrooms. And it's not like pedophiles are treated differently in prison than someone in there for like, mail fraud. Right?

Mother Goose is Spinning in her Grave (Yea that's right boys and girls SHE'S DEAD)

I came across this headline on MSNBC.com's entertainment page, and I felt the need to ridicule and humiliate the subject as if I were a high school bully pulling the towel off of a fellow student in the locker room and then pushing him out the door into the crowded hallway.

I hate you forever, Bobby Flannery. Now, where was I? Ah, yes:

Will Jamie Lynn's fairy tale end in tears?

Maybe it's just me, but when I think "fairy tale," this isn't what comes to mind:

The reception was held at Shotgun Geniez Titty Bar...Tammy said it was weird to be celebrating at her workplace, but still a magical time.

As Britney Spears’ world continues to improve, her little sister, Jamie Lynn, continues to battle rumors about difficulties with fiancĂ© Casey Aldridge.

I'm sorry, didn't Britney just lose her kids...to KEVIN FUCKING FEDERLINE? How is that improvement?!? I mean, I guess that means she can freebase naked on the toilet for hours and not have to worry about her kids wandering in on her. So, that's good I guess.

“Although it’s not something Jamie Lynn is discussing, we all have our doubts that their relationship is solid."

Well. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Some piece of country-fried white trash knocks up Britney Spears' 16 year old sister and then gets engaged to her, and there are doubts that their relationship is "solid?"

It makes you feel like love doesn't even exist.

"Definitely if not for (two-month-old daughter) Maddie, Jamie Lynn would have had enough of the stress of this relationship by now.”

NO FUCKIN' DOY, DOUCHEBAG!

To be fair, the individual quoted is believed to be Southern.

“We all really do hope this (relationship) can turn out well, that it can be the fairy tale Jamie Lynn wants.”

Can we stop calling this a fairy tale?!? I mean, regular 16 year old girls who get knocked up don't get to use this excuse!

But mama, it's LOVE!!! That condom breakin' was God's way a'sayin' we're MEANT fer each other! This here's my DREAM, mama...plus, lookit the palace he built fer us an' little Cletus!