Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Be honest with me. This was someone's Junior High School project for Social Studies class right? I mean, this isn't
The Our Country Deserves Better PAC has begun running spots in Alaska — two 60-second ads, and two 30-second versions — that pay tribute to Palin, with plans to expand the ad buy to the rest of the country sometime this week.They...this...so, ok. The "Our Country Deserves Better" [assumedly they don't mean "better" than the far right bumpkin fucktard currently running our country into the shitter...they mean "better" than the dark-skinned fella. -Ed.] group decides that since John McCain and Sarah Palin lost the election...a smart way to spend money...during a recession...would be to make a commercial...thanking?..Sarah Palin...to...um...convince someone...of something?..and so they ran the commercial in Alaska...which is probably the only place on Planet Earth where people don't need to be convinced that Ms. Palin is anything more than a MILF about 5-10 years past her "freshness" date.
You know, I really haven't done a "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR BUSH IN 2000 AND 2004 AND VOTED FOR MCCAIN IN 2008: THERE'S A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO KILL YOURSELVES" type article since the election (Obama won, btw), so I'm going to go play by play on this little gem.
0:00 - 0:10 - Ok, so some dude who looks like he really wants to sell you a used '87 Buick or ask if you've been injured at work and need representation is standing next to a graphic of a Thanksgiving feast.
Governor Sarah Palin, as Americans sit down to their Thanksgiving dinners of turkey, or moose, a grateful nation wishes to say "thank you."Wow, ok. So maybe I bit off a little more than I can chew. I'll try not to make this 20,000 words. 18,500 tops, I promise. A few items:
A)Palin supporters: Stop being proud of the fact that she is a fucking yokel. I get the whole "I want someone I relate to in the White House" thing (actually, I DON'T get it, because I sure as shit couldn't run this nation and I wouldn't want anyone I could relate to trying to run it either) but this whole "she eats moose like all us real people do" thing is fucktarded. No one eats moose. Except for fucking Eskimos and mountain hobos, ok? That does NOT equal "president material."
B) WHAT IN THE SHIT ARE "WE" THANKING HER FOR?!? For coming into a 2 year long campaign in the last 2 months and perhaps costing McCain the presidency? For having the political integrity to go on Saturday Night Live and "raise the roof" while someone dances in a moose costume nearby? Like, seriously. Come. On.
0:11 - 0:18 - footage from Palin's Klan rallies- er, campaign functions, and some voiceover.
Something Something Blah Blah Articluate [are you fucking serious? -Ed.] Common Sense Blah Blah BlahCalling Sarah Palin articulate is like calling my obsese cousin with Down Syndrome a "charmer." It's just insulting.
0:19 - 0:25 - "We Deserve Better" would like you to know that Gov. Palin's the REAL hero here, for raising her son...in a manner...that made him go into the army..? I'm guessing the army is composed of about 30% young men and women who want to serve their country and protect our civil liberties while helping to promote peace around the world and the other 70% just really wanted to be able to shoot at people without running the risk of being arrested. Just saying.
0:26 - 0:30 - I guess this is sorta the emblematic "Sarah Palin" family here. They have like 8 kids and the wife looks about 19. Right on track!
0:31 - 0:34 - Holy Goodness it's a negro! Kill it! Kill it! Oh wait, what? He's here for the commercial? Oh. Really? Hm. Ok. Give him a cowboy hat or something, make him less scary.
0:35 - 0:35.5 - Wilford Brimley would like to ask the Lord to bless Ms. Palin. This is hilarious. They probably had this guy up and talking for like 2 hours straight, and the only sentence he said the entire time without the "N word" in it was "God bless you, Governor Palin"
0:36 - 0:41 - I'm going to give it to them here. They really created a solid strong, multi-layered image, here. The image of everything that's wrong with Americans. Ok, so we have a pair of overweight cheesey ass Midwesterners. And next to them is an image of Gov. Palin in what looks like a K-Mart.
"You've inspired us!"To fucking WHAT? Hm? Like "oh this conservative religious kook is such a breath of fresh air!
0:42 - 0:44 - "Thank you, Sarah Palin." aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's it. Fucking brilliant. What an argument! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS COMMERCIAL TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!?!?!?!
0:45 - 0:48 - Um...
At a time when so many politicians have seemed to let us down, you've given us hope./head explodes
Hope for WHAT?!? She DID let you down, remember? Remember the reason she was going from bumblefuck swapmeet to bumblefuck swapmeet stirring up hatred and bigotry? SHE WAS RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT. AND LOST. What - I just..its' ao ;g/ newa;oiavaj ;ome; e gjow r;g'iera;msdcqa;weidogaj iowemlakdsvj;lkrdswheiucvaniuo
Ok skipping ahead....alright, big crowd, terribly cheap graphics, "THANK YOU SARAH PALIN" - glad to see they changed it up there, really shows the arc in the story line, and -- AH WAIT STOP! The money shot:
0:53 - Random fat bitch pops onto screen and asks about Sarah's moose chilli recipe.
I can only hope that at the completion of this commercial SOMEBODY involved got to see a screening of it and killed themselves as a result. My money's on the black guy.
Vavelta is a clear liquid derived from baby foreskins, donated by mothers whose babies have just been circumcised. The liquid is injected into adult skin damaged by acne or burns.
Let's stop here for a few moments. Let's just ponder a few things here. Imagine you are the mother of a beautiful baby boy. Moments after the doctors have circumcised your son, you are approached by the Valvelta people. They are asking you, at one of the happiest moments of your life, whether or not you would be willing to donate the removed portion of your new born sons penis, so that an aging person might then inject it into his face to look younger. Is there a dollar amount to make you not shout for security? What is the polite way to handle this situation?
Let's actually back up here for a minute. Let's say you work with a group of scientists with Noxema or whatever. You are at a meeting wherein the head of the department mentions the slumping economy and the need for the next big thing in anti-aging. How is the reaction to someone proposing "baby foreskins" met with anything other than "you're fired" or "I'm calling the police"? At what point does someone say "Hey, that could work! Let's find some expectant women!" How did we reach this point as a society?
Ok, fine. Let's let them have all of that. Let's say you work for the marketing department of GloboChem Pharmaceuticals or whatever. They're trying to come up with a name for this new miracle product. Was there a person in this meeting that said, "What's the name of that fake cheese? The one you put on macaroni and all that?" "Velveeta?" "Yea, let's name it something that sounds like that. It's funny. Fake cheese, dick cheese. Get it?" "..."
I don't even know how to handle this. It is literally boggling my mind. Literally shaking it up and trying to make words out of all the letters splayed about. Literally.
I'm going to jump around here a bit because I can't fucking handle doing it paragraph by batshit paragraph...
"It is all about using neonatal tissue rather than fetal tissue," [Eric "sick fuck"]Siegel says. "You are still talking about using human tissue, which means some groups will be upset about it."
Noting that Intercytex is in talks now with the FDA about bringing Vavelta here[to the US], a consultant to the company notes that one foreskin makes enough cells for hundreds of thousands of treatments because the cells can be grown in cultures and then frozen.
Your baby's discarded penis skin could help thousands of old people look young again! Who wouldn't sign up for that?
Also, what if you're one of the kids? When you grow up and you find out that your tossed off infant foreskin was used for this... Won't that scar the shit out of someone? This is why people hate science. I hear the jury is still out on it anyway. Science, that is.
The article then goes on to describe other 'controversial' anti-aging methods, all of which present the same question: What fucking lunatic comes up with this shit, then gets people to pay out the ass for it? One example:
Those who aren't squeamish about, well, poop, might take advantage of a one-of-a-kind facial that combines "sanitized" nightingale droppings with natural oils to hydrate the skin. Called the Geisha Facial -- it's been used by Japan’s geishas for centuries -- the treatment is said to break down dead skin cells and draw out any bacteria from the cells more gently than acid peels. Among the celebs said to have tried (and loved) the Geisha Facial is Victoria Beckham.
Posh Spice, giving a whole new meaning to the term: Shit-faced. And I would be willing to bet that having that bird shit smeared on your face is incredibly expensive. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go age naturally. Or bide my time until enough baby foreskins have been harvested to bring down the price of valvelta. After all, it's as important to be thrifty as is it to look good.
Hewwo. I'm Dwake. I'ms a fwee year owd Wabwadoa wetweivah. I is a good dawgie, but cwoss me, and I will fuck you up.
Monday, November 24, 2008
WHASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS REALLY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD?!?!?!?!!?!?!?
The Albuquerque Police Department has turned to the want ads for snitches.Ayo Dass sum ol' BULLSHIT right thurr, what dat iz. What is dis, da hood bailout package er sumpn? This how dey gon create jobsnshit?
An ad this week in the alternative newspaper The Alibi asks "people who hang out with crooks" to do part-time work for the police.N****, how DUMB do you got to be to stroll up on a fuckin 5-0 an' be all "ayo, dem n****s dat steal, an' rob, an' pump crack, an' run up in peoples cribs, an' shoot a n**** if he get up in they bizness, I hangs out wit dem ALL da fuckin' time. You wanna hire me or--AYO GET OFFA ME I AIN'T DONE NOTHIN!!! AWWW DISSUMOLBULLSHIT." This ain't a want ad for snitches. This a dumb mothafucka trap.
It reads in part: "Make some extra cash! Drug use and criminal record OK."Oh ferreal??
Um, I mean...DON'T SNITCH! Bitches.
An informant whose tip helps officers arrest a drug dealer could earn $50. A tip about a murder suspect could bring up to $700.SEV'N HUNNIT DOLLAS?!?!??! IZ U FUCKIN KI'IN ME?!? Maaaaaaaan. Shoooooooooooot. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Dat'd pay off my cell phone, I could git my new 9 milli offa layaway an STILL have a lil' sumpn left fo a big bag of green. Damn...Damn...........I MEAN DON'T SNITCH BITCHES! (30 minutes later)
Capt. Joe Hudson says police received more than 30 responses in two days. He says one tip was a "big one" but wouldn't elaborate.Man fuck you. Don't lookit me like that. We in a recession and they was gon' cut off my texting! I NEED MAH TEXTIN N****!!!
Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."
The first thing I'm going to point out is that if you are at work, and you do a google image search for 'butt bandit', please make sure that your 'safe search' is on. I'll leave it at that. Pressing on: What I'd like to know is what this 35 year old man is doing with his life that this is his act of defiance against something. I hope this guy comes out with a book, or at least a news article of some kind explaining what runs through one's mind when making the decision to do this. Like is there some point when you're trying to decide whether or not you should, and you stop and think to yourself "no, I must!" I find trying to discover motive for something like this far more interesting than like, murder even. Because things like that it's usually pretty black and white. Also, please note that the man has not been charged yet. What do you charge him with, exactly? Also, if it is a crime (I guess it has to be some kind of crime, right?), isn't it an insanely victimless crime? Who's the victim, a window washer?
Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind - sometimes his groin, sometimes both - on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it's "the act of a lone deviant."
I wonder what would make them think there was a copycat? "This buttock imprint seems like it came from a larger ass than the previous. Looks like we might have ourselves a copy cat." Because like, who in their right mind here's about this and thinks "Ooooh I should totally do that too?" Also, this began in spring of 07. This guy had some long term plans for this thing, apparently.
"This isn't normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.," Scott said. "It's an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here."
He then added "This is Lincoln bullshit. People don't do this in Valentine. I'd expect this from maybe an Omaha man, but not a Valentine man." Seriously, how is it embarrassing for the hardworking people? It this meant to imply that the lazy people of Valentine are not embarrassed? That shit don't make no sense! Also, why be embarrassed? Who fucking cares. Come to New York, watch a hobo piss on a fire hydrant midday. Or watch it online, I don't care. As long as it's a free show, right?
The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.
Plus like, how many people do you figure are doing this shit?
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top "wilderness" towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Also note they don't explain what this means. At all. It was also rated "top place to find windows to press your greasy ass onto without getting caught for at least a year." This of course is my rating, which means absolutely nothing, except it reminded me of a time a few years ago when I was at this karaoke bar and went outside with a friend and he lifted up his shirt and pressed his moobs up to the window of this Indian restaurant next door, right in front of this family who was trying to enjoy their dinner at the time. It was awesome.
People from around the country send Valentine's Day cards to the city's post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.
People from around the country need to get a fucking life.
The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.
He stopped over the fall and winter.
Well, yea. I mean, it's fucking cold during the fall and winter. Why on earth would you do that shit during cold months? I mean that's just crazy.
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.
You have to wonder if he came home that night with a greater sense of accomplishment than he did the other nights when he just got to leave his mark on one window. He came home, patted himself on the back and said, "You did it big guy. Tonight, you're the winner."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
But you see, the difference in real life is...Welp, I guess there isn't.
He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police said, a rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name.BERBALERBS POP QUIZ!!!!
Will the consequence for indicting one's self via club banger be:
1) Grammy Award for "Best Admission of a Felony by Artist or Group"
2) 3 Album deal with Def Jam Records and a date with Rhianna's slightly fatter younger sister
3) 20 years in jail
4) Q&A with recording legend Berberock
A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip hop confession to police.
So, ok, being a rapper myself (stop laughing) I'm going to try and explain (seriously, I am, stop laughing) this type of behavior from a hip hop artist (seriously, now I'm getting offended. I rap. Really. No, fucking really!!! I hate you.). A big part of a rapper's appeal is his "swagger," which is based on a number of factors. Some of these factors include the amount of money one has, the amount of attractive members of the opposite sex one has copulated with, the level of hardship one had to endure while growing up, and one's "realness" as dictated by one's actions. (Here's a helpful supplement to this equation, an academic look at the art of "battle rapping.")
So, to recap:
Money ($) + Women (P) + "Realness" (R) = Swagger
Swagger = Hip Hop Artist's Appeal
The problem is, most rappers when they first begin "spittin hot fi-ya" or "eatin sucka MCs fo' a late night snack," they don't have very much money, and invariably this means they aren't fraternizing with the highest quality of sexual partners.
The only thing left is "realness."
Take, for example, the fact that I used to sell drugs. That's right, I used to sling dope. Sounds pretty cool right? It is pretty cool until you learn that I was selling ganj with some people I went to school with to our friends. I was in as much danger as one would be going to the movies to see "Role Model" or something. THE FACT REMAINS, HOWEVER that I was a drug dealer. Making me more "real." Point: me.
NOW, if you are "real" enough to actually shoot someone, then hell-yesiree Bob you're going to want to rap about it. Now, you miiiiiight want to consider leaving out some details, as shooting someone miiiiiiight be a teensie bit illegal, and naming the person who you shot while not at all trying to hid your own identity miiiiight land you 20 years of being some dude named Big Ed's bitch.
Blue told police he recognized Wright's voice on a CD, rapping "Chad Blue knows how I shoot."sigh
Oh Rico...Rico, Rico, Rico. "Chad Blue knows how I shoot?" You're going to jail for 20 fucking years because of a line in your song (swagger points OFF THE CHART), and the line is "Chad Blue knows how I shoot"? Where's the zest? Where's the pinache, the joi de vive, the other French words I can't say or spell or translate?
"Chad Blue knows how I shoot."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I'm not a proponent of domestic violence. Far from it. I came from an abusive family (well...I may have come from an abusive family...I was adopted at birth, so it exists in the realm of reality that my bio-parents would've beaten my skull in if given the chance). I know the gravity of the subject well enough to know that it's not a laughing matter.
...that being said, somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch in the mouth 'til she learns better.
An Oregon woman who is out $400,000 after falling for a well-known Internet scam says she wasn't a sucker or an easy mark.At first, one might want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt. The internet has created an environment where con-artists are equipt with all new technologies and strategies to prey on the less web-savvy. Then you learn that she fell for one of those "letters from the Nigerian Ambassador" spam emails you always get and immediately your thoughts return to one thing:
Somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch.
Janella Spears of Sweet Home says she simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.OM-FUCKING-G, I have a long lost relative who somehow got my email and now wants to give me 20 million dollars for absolutely no reason! Hot dog, first I find a quarter in the driveway and now this! I'm markin' this day down on the calendar!
Spears told KATU-TV about the scammers' ability to identify her relative by name was persuasive.Yes, the scammers ability to identify her long lost relative whose name she didn't know was uncanny! How they could know that your last name is Spears after acquiring only your email, JanSpears1154486845215@aol.com was GENIUS! If you've taken the time to read these emails, you understand why this bitch is literally giving me a hate-boner with her idiocy. For those who haven't read one of these "brilliant" email scams, let me give you the first sentence of one of the actual examples I found online:
This is a proposal in context but actually an appeal soliciting for your unreserved assistance in consummating an urgent transaction requiring maximum confidence.This is what they sound like. THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH. So, you receive an email from a stranger using English PhD-level vocabulary while at the same time displaying the writing skills of a 7 year old asking you for money and promising to give you tens of millions of dollars for absolutely no reason, and because you see the name "Spears" appear in the email your response is
"That's what got me to believe it," She said. "So, why wouldn't you send over $100?"Why wouldn't you? Well if the "you" in question had a brain, had heard about the internet prior to this morning, had any sense of intuition or "gut" or whatever--any fucking sense of it at all then "you" might not send $100 off into the night hoping that it comes back forty-fold.
Spears, who is a nursing administrator and CPR teacher, said she mortgaged the house and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through her husband's retirement account.This from the individual who wanted to assure the FoxNews.com faithful that she was not a "sucker" or an "easy mark." And she's right. She isn't. A "sucker" might've lost $300 or so sending checks out into the night. An "easy mark" may have plucked a little from the savings account to play into a get-rich-quick scheme. This bitch sent $400,000-- THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE to a total stranger. She's a retard. And not like "oh, stop being such a retard" retard either. This woman should be required to wear a helmet.
"The retirement [her poor, poor husband] was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.Could this dude even get in trouble for hitting her? I think he should be able to print out this article and present it to the cops when they show up. I think the cops should then present him with a lollipop and tell him to keep up the good work.
She estimates it will take two years to clear the debt that accumulated in the more than two years she spent sending money to con artists.Two items:
A) No the fuck it won't take 2 years to get rid of a $400,000 tab. I have a considerably lower amount that I owe for college, and I'll be paying it off for roughly 347 more years.
B) She did this for two god damned years. Somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch.
Her family and bank officials told her it was all a scam, she said, and begged her to stop, but she persisted because she became obsessed with getting paid.That's right. It's not even like she hid it from people. Her family and BANK FUCKING OFFICIALS were begging her to stop. It's like,
SomebodyHitMe: Hiyo there! Come ta take out anudder loan, there!
BankDude: Mrs. Spears, I really don't think you should take out any--
SomebodyHitMe: Stop before ya start there, Charlie. I'm goin' ta be a milly-own-air, and then you'll see!
BankDude: Mrs. Spears, I'm literally GUARANTEEING you this is not real. I WORK at a bank. I'm sort of an authority on the subject. Does your husband know you're doing this?
SomebodyHitMe: Oh sure! Sorta. No. Not really.
BankDude: Does your husband hit you, Mrs. Spears?
SomebodyHitMe: Oh heavens no!
BankDude: He should consider it. Let him know I said that.
SomebodyHitMe: Will do!
Spears first sent $100 through an untraceable wire service as directed by the scammers.Hey Janella, I heard if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer!
**Janella puts hand up to face**
**Berbalerbs punches Janella's hand into her face**
The scammers sent Spears official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations.Hey Janella, I just got off the phone with the King of Europe! He wants you to give me your car and promise your daughter to me on her 18th birthday! Better do it, you know how the King of Europe gets...
President Bush and FBI Director Robert Mueller were also involved, the e-mails said, and needed her help.That's right, lower-middle class nursing administrator from small-town Oregon! The fucking President of the United States and the Director of the FBI desperately need YOUR help! The trillions of dollars and endless resources they have access to just aren't enough! We need YOU to send, like a couple hundred bucks every few weeks. HURRY MRS. SPEARS! THE PRESIDENT NEEEEEDS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
"The hope is [other people] are not going to fall as hard as I fell," Spears said.I wouldn't worry much, Mrs. Spears. Most of us can outwit a corpse, which is about as smart as you need to be not to send a spam email half a mil.
Now...somebody go hit that bitch. She really needs it. Like, REALLY.
UPDATE: Now with video!!!
A man caught by police with his penis inside a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.Again:
A man caught by police WITH HIS PENIS INSIDE A PASTA SAUCE JAR was STILL PLEASURING HIMSELF WHILE RESISTING ARREST, a court has been told.This is sorta a bittersweet moment for me. I've found one of the finest pieces of 'Mauf fodder since FUCKING EVER, but how do you even make a joke about this? Honestly, what snarky curse-laden tirade or funny picture or Arrested Development reference can be funnier than
A man caught by police with his [FUCKING] penis inside a [FUCKING] pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.You might think it can't possibly get better than that. Allow me to shit on your assumption.
Weatherley attracted police attention while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's BeachYup, Nobby's Beach. This guy was parked, dick-in-jar across the road from Nobby's Beach.
Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said.PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAOMFGHAHAHAHOMFGHAHAHAHAHAOMFGHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!11!
Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.Okay FINALLY I found something to say about this article instead of just orgasming from joy over and over (already went through both pairs of pants I have at work...I'm sitting bare-assed laughing like a psycho now. Promotion here I come!). The article never mentions if the pasta sauce jar in question is full of pasta sauce. I mean, maybe some of you think it's a ridiculous sticking point but trust me, it's VITAL information. Was this a spur of the moment thing? Did he go to the store specifically to pick up some Ragu for his dick? Was he just coming home from the Grocery Store when suddenly the idea hit him? Or is this a cleaned-out pasta sauce jar with the sticker removed that is kept for one reason and one reason only: to house this man's genitals on his weekly park-and-whack? ANSWERS, DAMNIT!!! I NEED THEM!!!
So then, there's a slow-speed police chase, which I never understood, because the driver's already broken the law so why don't you just run them off the road or something like that. All I'm saying is that in Brooklyn, if you commit a crime and then try to run away, you will be shot at regardless of the speed with which you've chosen to run. Just sayin.
They found a 750mm jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GANGSTER. This dude wasn't just pleasing himself while he was being arrested. He was switching from fighting off police to masturbating fucking seamlessly. Is this some wonderous form of martial arts of which I'm unaware?
Well, he loses the bout finally...and then...and then they search his car.
A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.I half think this guy was just trying to make it on the 'Mauf. "Hmmm, okay well I'm going to get arrested for having my penis in a jar...let's see...what do I bring..."Okay, that's a no-brainer...let's see what else...Oh! I've been wanting to try out my homemade orgasmifier, soalright...not weird enough yet...um...Oh! I know!There! Wait...no. There's just something missing...something...something like...A HA!Oh yes...time to make blog HEADLINES, BABY!
His father Artur Bueller said; 'Poor Dennis. When the doctors have to change his bandages he has to be knocked out, the pain is so great.
Poooooooooor Dennis. I mean, yea. I get it. That sucks. But still, I mean, come on! It's kind of his own fault, no? You sleep in the bed you make and all that?
'He said the downstairs loo smelled but I think he realises he was a bit dim in playing with a lighter.'
Yes. The kid who now has to be knocked out just to have his bandages changed now realizes maybe blowing himself up in the bathroom was a bad idea. Lesson learned. The system works!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"When I rang the bell at the jail and told them who I was, they were surprised," Toy told The Paducah Sun newspaper. "I guess they haven't seen that before."
Well yea, because generally people who escape from jail do so in order to avoid...being in jail.
Toy, 21, was in a western Kentucky jail awaiting trial on charges stemming from a July home invasion. He's also serving a four-year sentence for theft.
Hmmm... yea, freedom sounds way worse than 4 years in prison. You had your ticket out. Come on!
Officials said he escaped early Monday while on a cleanup detail in the lobby. He bolted after a guard unlocked the front doors to clean an area.
So...how does this happen? What kind of shitty-ass prison is it where a guy can bolt like that and make a clean get away? Note to self: if you ever feel inclined to commit a felony, do it in Paducah. I wonder if this prison holds honor marathons, too. Like in Arrested Development... I couldn't find a clip of the particular scene, so here's the whole awesome episode.
Cut to the 17:40 mark to get to the point that originally made me laugh about this article. Because pretty much everything I read or see relates, in my mind, back to something funny in this show or Boiler Room or the Simpsons.
But Toy returned that afternoon, wet and covered with grime. He told authorities his sister had persuaded him to surrender because his family feared for his safety.
They wait until the next fucking paragraph to even speculate why he was wet and covered with grime. Turns out he was maybe hanging out by a river. Could your sister who convinced you to turn yourself back in have let you pop by to use the shower? And how exactly were they fearing for his safety? Isn't the worst case scenario being caught and going back to prison? Finding the one arm man who killed your wife? Where you at Desmondo?
Jailer Bill Adams said he doubts Toy's account. He thinks the escapee spent his brief liberty hiding beside the Tennessee River.
Adams said it was the first time in his 14 years as a deputy and jailer that he's seen an escaped convict willingly return.
I'm not too sure I understand this entirely. What was Toy's account, exactly? That he went out, got somehow otherwise grimy and wet, spoke to his sister who then convinced him that their concerns for him outweighed not being in jail? Does Toy deny being by the river? Damnit don't tell us this guy doubts Toy's account if you're not going to provide us with his motherfucking account you fudge eating nickel picker!
"It was a spur of the moment decision. I saw an open door and just ran through it," Toy told the newspaper. "I am sorry about what I did. If I had it to do over again, I would have never run out the door."
Well obviously he's going to say this. He's back in jail. A more honest answer would be "I totally fucked up. I was fucking free. I just happen to know I don't possess the wits or cunning to avoid recapture, so I turned myself back in. So please do not call me mint jelly, because it's back to rape city for me." What I want to know is if he faces more charges for escaping, or if since it was just for the morning it's kind of like a mulligan or whatever.
Basically, I'll troll around the internet at work looking for interesting stories while eating my breakfast and discreetly rubbing one out beneath my desk. Then, I'll take a look at the title of the article I've landed on, and decide how I'm going to use my creativity to make it funny or unusual, all while rubbing another one out (discreetly) under my desk.
Let's take, for example, the title of this article:
This is what we in the biz call "an article you don't have to do much work on which allows more time for discreetly masturbating at work."
Then I carefully search through the article for the morsels of odd-ass deliciousness so that I may make jest. Let's being our search shall we?
A woman accused of helping her religious leader hide a decaying corpse on her toilet so they could continue collecting her Social SecurityOk...article kinda writing itself so far. So let's see...alright, the dumb bitch doing something dumb for some dumb cult angle has been used before, but hiding a corpse on the toilet??? I guess I was picturing some hacked up body stuffed into a toilet, you know, to hide it (although to be fair I picture hacked up bodies being stuffed into toilets about 65% of my waking hours, so it might've just been coinkydink). But, so the corpse was just sitting there. On the toilet. Decomposing. Is there another bathroom in this house? I mean, if you have to go, do you have to perch the corpse on your lap while you poop? Wouldn't that run the risk of catching corpse-crotch? I think I read that on Mayo Clinic once. Or in Necro-FeelinDat Monthly. Whateva's cleva.
So this bitch gets caught corpse-handed, and then gets thrown in jail, and she's going to be there for years and years, because having a corpse in your house while you collect said corpse's social security has to be worth at least
Tammy Lewis, 36, of Necedah, pleaded no contest to obstructing a police officer and was fined $350Woah woah woah fuckin woah woah WOAH. Woah now. Woah. Like, dude. Fucking WOAH. Dude? Dude. Bro. Woah. Woah. $350? Three hundred and fifty fucking dollars? And don't give me that, "well it is thirty five thousand pennies" shit either. Yo, I was once given a ticket for drinking in public, and while I was sitting waiting for my turn in court, I heard the judge pass out a $250 fine for biking on the sidewalk. Yea, you read that correctly: for biking on the sidewalk.
So, to recap:
Biking on the sidewalk = BAD.
Hiding a corpse in your bathroom and collecting its social security payments= SLIGHTLY WORSE.
Investigators said Middlesworth [dead bitch and Lewis [somehow not incarcerated bitch] were members of a religious sect [Alan "is that a corpse in your bathroom or are ya just happy to see me"] Bushey led called the Order of the Divine Will.Ah...it's becoming clearer now. This lady was hoodwinked by a smooth, charming, handsome, charismatic young man who--Nooooooo that's not Alan Bushey, silly. That dude looks like a human booger. There's nothing you can do to convi--Huh. Really? Huh. Ok then...So this woman was hoodwinked by the bad guy in every pedophile episode of Law & Order SVU ever made, and he somehow convinced her...wait, what the fuck did he tell her that would make her hang on to a corpse?
Bushey told Lewis that God would revive Middlesworth, who friends and family said was from Washington state, investigators said.
First, I love when writers do this. "Ok, so I know I have to get in the fact that the old lady's originally from Washington...Ah! I know! I'll couple that fact with the fact that she was expected to rise from the dead. Creates a nice balance, you know?"
So does that make old lady Middlesworth the new Jesus? Or was she merely supposed to be a Lazarus type situation? Maybe it's different when you're in the middle of it, but I just can't picture myself going along with this.
"Hell no, man! I'm not keeping some old bitch's corpse in my bathroom! Let's just bury her and say she's on vacation!"
No, you see...uh...um, she's...she's going to come back to life!
"Dude...she's decomposing. I don't think she'd even want to come back now."
Um...no. That's not how it works. When she comes back...um...when she comes back she won't be...you know...slimy any more.
"Oh, well that's a horse of a different color, bring her on in!"
Nope. Just don't see that happening.
So let's get back to the sentencing of the corpse-stasher. "Obstructing Police?" That's what you land on when you find a woman housing a corpse to steal her government cheddah?
As part of Lewis' plea deal, five other charges, including three felony counts of hiding a corpse and causing mental harm to a child, will be dismissed
Yup. Causing mental harm to a child. There were kids in the house. With the corpse. That was decomposing. Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a youngster, the middle-of-the-night walk to the bathroom was a frightening and perilous journey. Walking through the house alone, in the dark, at night, in silence. Hearing a bump, thinking a monster was right around the corner. Waiting. The only relief would be finally getting to the bathroom so that you could escape the darkness and flip on the light andAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH GOD HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMYTHERESAMONSTERINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH vomit, scream, cry, vomit, cry, vomit, cry, scream, vomit, vomit, scratch eyes out, vomitAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"What is it sweety? Did you have a widdle nightmare?"
"Oh hush up, silly, that's just Miss Middlesworth. You remember Miss Middlesworth, don't you?"
"Now don't be rude, Tommy. Miss Middlesworth is our guest, and we have to treat her real nice before the Lord comes and reanimates her, ok?"
"That's my good boy. Now brush Miss Middleworth's teeth before you go to bed."
Lewis' son told detectives Bushey told him demons were destroying Middlesworth's appearance as she decayed in the bathroom to make it look like she wouldn't rise from the dead, the criminal complaint said.Again...I get the whole "desperate people turn to religion and will believe anything" thing, but come the fuck ON. No one was like "okay, buddy...now it just sounds like you're making this up off the top of your head...No. No, demons did not make me say that just now. Yes. Yes I'm sure."
Lewis is "very relieved" her case has been resolved, he said.Yea no shit she's relieved. I'dbe pretty fucking relieved to know that I got away with multiple felonies and only have to pay the equivalent of a parking ticket.
"She has made some really great progress emotionally and even physically."I went from a size 6 to a size 2, and all it took was a religious zealot ruining my life and emotionally scarring my sons for life! Look at this tummy!
Monday, November 17, 2008
EDIT: The first video was from politics. This is the video from Saturday night:
and the one from politics:
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"I really do wish [DAAAAAAAAAAHPRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA -DAAAAAAH Ed.] all the best. I am just as American as he is American, and it is good for our country that the president succeeds."DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT'S NICE THAT A COWBOY HAS TO POINT OUT THAT HE'S AS MUCH OF AN AMERICAN AS A SWIRLED DUDE NAMEDED BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A former municipal court judge says he took Vicodin and drank wine before holding court in Bridgewater and Bound Brook.
Hey! Whaddare you talkin bout mister! I dinint do anysing. Get me anozzer wine lady. I mean. Order in this court! Don make me bang this gabbel. HAHAHA I counin bang a gabbel. Hahahaha bang.
Richard Sasso testified Monday during a hearing on judicial misconduct. He's facing censure and a permanent ban on holding a judgeship.
I object! You cand censure me! I thought censurship was fucking illegal! I know my fourth amendant rights! I judge that shit I'm facing to be totally lame ! Anddddddd I hereby sentence it to stop being a dick and shit. And excuse me judge reinholmes
But why don you shut the shit up.Sasso resigned in January, citing health reasons.
Nuh uh! Then why am I here in court you fat fuck? Lookit mah robes bitch! Judge Judy all up in ya grillpiece cracker! Hahaha what am I saying! I'm talkin like those guys I prostitute harsher than people my color! Hahahaha. Health reasons shmealth reasons. You wanna know what newstory? I never liked you anyway. I just decided that wine and vicodin are better when you use them in comforts of you own hey whats are we talk bout now? Order in this court you.
In March, he was accused of being under the influence while on the bench and disorderly conduct at a Bound Brook go-go bar.
Why don you go-go fuck yourself. I was judging those ladies. Thaz my job you cock! And those girls were totally begging to know what was under my robes. Bang this gabbel ya whores! Anyway, I godda go take a piss. Case Dispissed! Hahaha cuz I have to piss. Cross examine this witpiss! I sentence me to go the toilet immediately! Hahahaha I'm off to make a depissition.
Hello, everybody. I'm Gus, the World's Ugliest Dog.
I won a fucking contest. And I'm not winking at you. I have one eye. The other was slashed out of its socket by...well, we'll get to that.
You're probably not aware of this, but I'm dead. Apparently Blogspot has a pretty good deal scratched out with the afterlife.
I'm writing to you folks for 2 reasons: first I'd like to cordially invite all of you to stop whining and bitching about how bad your lives are because, frankly, you don't KNOW misery. Second, there's a widespread misconception I'd like to clear up.
First things first: Fuck you with a tire iron, you whiny brittle little bitches, you.
Your life is fine. You disagree? Question: do you look like this?What's that you say? No? You have the appropriate number of limbs and eyes, you say? You don't look like a late-term abortion, you say? Well then clam the fuck up. Your life's a fuckin' petunia party then.
Read this. It's the intro to my obituary.
A one-eyed, three-legged dog that won the title of world's ugliest pooch this summer has died...Gus, a Chinese crested dog, had cancer. Gus was rescued from a bad home and went on to win the annual World's Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in northern California.Went on to win the World's Ugliest Dog contest? As in, I went from such lowly beginnings to...being ridiculed by the world for being the ugliest member of my entire species? Like, that's an accomplishment? That's like saying "this young man started out as an orphan, but overcame adversity to die of a meth overdose at age 19." Ain't exactly "write home to mom" material.
Gus came from humble origins.Well NO FUCKING SHIT, Mr. Genius VonDouchebag.
His adopted family in Gulfport, Fla., rescued him after learning he was being kept in a crate inside someone's garage.So, yea. My first owner treated me as well as he treated his fucking Converse High-Tops from his college days. A fucking crate. In his fucking garage. FUCK. So but ok, you're saying, you got rescued, didn't you? Yes, yes I did. I was rescued by a woman who promptly ensured that my "legacy" on this mortal coil would be as the ugliest dog in the whole entire God damned world. Upgrade?
He had one leg amputated because of a skin tumor and lost an eye in a cat fight.I lost. My fucking eye. In a fight. With. A. Mother. Fucking. CAT. Do you understand the implications of that? CAN you understand?!? That's tantamount to a 7 foot tall 350 lbs. member of the KKK getting his eye gouged out by the winner of the annual "Gayest Black Man in the World under 5 Feet Tall" contest. In my defense, this was the cat that took my eye.
Gus' owner had said the prize money from the contest would be put toward the dog's radiation treatment."YEA ANYBODY WANT TO TAKE A GUESS WHETHER THAT HAPPENED," asks the dog who died from cancer while his owner bought a 3G iPhone?!?
Those things are cool, though.
Oh yes. Now on to my second point: there's a common misconception that's been propogated by the media regarding canines. I'd like to clear that up for you now, if I may...No. The fuck. They don't. Let's just say it's a good thing Apple made a brimstone-proof PowerBooks for a certain group of us bloggers. The truth is, I'm here because I'm ugly. That's right, GOD HATES UGLY. He banishes creatures, HIS OWN CREATIONS, to eternal suffering because HE MADE THEM UGLY. He made them ugly, so that they would have a friggin MISERABLE-ASS life, and THEN, when this shit festival of an existance comes to an end, BOOM! It manages to get WORSE.
So, in closing: I'm here, IN HELL, after a life of mistreatment, humiliation, and dismemberment, BECAUSE I'M UGLY.
...although I suppose it could've been that 19 year old girl I raped and killed in Key West back in '99. But I'm pretty sure it's cuz I'm ugly.
Monday, November 10, 2008
That’s the question a Collier County judge will have to determine when the case of a 54-year-old Golden Gate woman suing a fortune teller for fraud, theft and deceptive trade practices heads to court.
She said Dufrene was upset because her son was murdered and nothing was done, and she’d also lost her job and was depressed.
“She felt so confused and troubled about her son, her life and everything around her,” Johnson said, adding that Dufrene wanted a curse placed on her son’s killer, but they don’t do that type of work and said Dufrene would have to do that in her country, Haiti.