Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Did you miss me? You missed me.

Let's forgo the niceties. Let's just fucking dance.

Mets must let Reyes play on first day

Before we begin, a few yes/no questions for you:

1. Are you unaware that a baseball season consists of more than just 1 game? (specifically, 161 games more than just 1 game?)

2. Have you (intentionally or otherwise) completely ignored the past three seasons of New York Metropolitans baseball?

3. Are you a complete fucking idiot?

If you answered "yes" to all three, there's a good chance you're Kevin Kernan, writer for the New York Post, and you happened upon our lovely little blog while Googling yourself. There's an even better chance that I'm about to violate every orifice of your shitty little article.
The Mets are trying to find all kinds of reasons to keep Jose Reyes out of the Opening Day lineup
What Kay Kay neglects to mention (can I call you Kay Kay? I think I can call you Kay Kay.) is that the Mets haven't really been looking all too hard to find these reasons. Jose Reyes missed almost all of last season with an injury to his leg. Then, he had thyroid problems, which meant he had to be completely idle for three weeks. Completely. Idle. Like,For three weeks. Now, going fromtotakes a little warming up. Especially if one is trying not to re-injure one's leg, which, as we've just covered, kept one out of baseball for most of 2009.
They say they’re trying to protect the shortstop from hurting himself by keeping him from coming back too quickly.
Because he's coming back from injury.

And he was just fucking STATIONARY for three weeks.

And, while having Jose Reyes around on Opening Day would be nice, having him healthy for the entire season would be considerably fucking nicer.
And, of course, you know how cold it is in April in New York. There are three night games after Opening Day, and that first road trip takes the Mets to Colorado, which could create problems.
Shit, I didn't even consider that. You're right, there are even more reasons to be careful with him than I've considered!
Absolutely none of that should matter.
You're a Yankees fan, aren't you?

Listen: I get it. Reyes makes the Mets a better team and--
The bottom line is that Reyes makes the Mets a better team
Yea, dickwad I just said that, but we're talking about--
and if he continues to impress the way he did yesterday during his first time facing live pitching [Dude, that was batting practice -Ed.], he should get the green light to play on Monday.
Read your own fucking sentence again, Kay Kay: during his first [FUCKING -Ed.] time facing live [FUCKING -Ed.] pitching. On the sample size of "1" you're going to declare an oft-injured KEY part of the Mets ready to play?
No questions asked.
I have roughly 75,000 questions to ask RE: that (although to be fair, the majority of those questions are some variation of what the fuck is wrong with you, Kay Kay?)
His spot in the lineup would give the Mets an immediate Opening Day lift against the Marlins and Josh Johnson. And maybe you haven’t heard, but the Mets could use an emotional lift. So could their suffering fans.
Maybe you haven't heard, dick-shiner, but in 2009, roughly 160% of the team's Opening Day roster missed significant playing time because of injuries. Like, literally, if you ask the average Mets fan what they hope for this season, you're likely to get a response along the lines of "I just hope they fuckin' stay healthy." It is extremely fucking unlikely you get a response along the lines of "I hope to see Reyes leg out a triple on Opening Day, and after that I couldn't give a fuck."
Reyes’ appearance would rev up the home crowd
It's Opening Day. Opening Day will rev the crowd up for Opening Day.
[Playing on Opening Day] would give Reyes the chance to wipe away the curse of a season that was 2009.
It also gives him the chance to re-injure himself ON DAY FUCKING ONE because he rushed himself to get back. And also, "the curse" of 2009 you're talking about was almost completely due to INJURIES. Which the Mets are at least trying to avoid.

Even if Reyes is overmatched by Johnson, he won’t be alone — but perhaps Reyes will have a good day and so will the Mets.
So...if Jose Reyes plays poorly, it's likely that at least one of his teammates will also play poorly...which...um...but on the other hand, he may play well, and his teammates may also play well...as well. So...there's that.
The fact Reyes has overcome so much since last May 20 and this spring’s thyroid scare, being in the lineup would give him the kind of lift that could carry him all summer. It would be a triumph for the baseball soul.
That's just gay. MOVING ON!
Again, this is not about pushing a player who is not healthy.
No, it's about pushing a player who we're not sure if they are completely healthy or not, which is a stupid idea.
I’ve watched Reyes closely the last three days,
I like to imagine Kevin Kernan squatting uncomfortably close to the field and batting cages and staring intently at Jose Reyes for hours on end without blinking.
and other than needing to pick up some bat speed
How could one quickly do this...OH THAT'S RIGHT by playing a few minor league games where they don't have to bat in order so that Jose can lead off every inning and get twice the amount of at-bats he would in a regular game, all while NOT HURTING THE TEAM as he "picks up his bat speed."

Now comes the line in the article which made me write this post. It's...I...ok, no preface. Just
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.
I...how can you
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.


Broseph Goebbels.

If there is one thing, ONE THING that playing Opening Day isn't about, it's the big picture. And yes, you fuckheaded fuckhead, playing Opening Day is, objectively, self-fucking-evidently, about one fucking day, specifically: Opening Day.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the Opening Day Roster (4/6/09) for the New York Mets, 2009!
1. Jose Reyes, SS
2. Daniel Murphy, LF
3. David Wright, 3B
4. Carlos Delgado, 1B
5. Carlos Beltran, CF
6. Ryan Church, RF
7. Brian Schneider, C
8. Luis Castillo, 2B
9. Johan Santana, P
WOOHOOALRIGHT!!! Now, the roster eight weeks later!!!
1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Emil Brown, RF
3. Carlos Beltran, CF
4. Garry Sheffield, LF
5. David Wright, 3B
6. Fernando Tatis, 1B
7. Omir Santos, C
8. Wilson Valdez, SS
9. John Maine, P
woo. The roster eight weeks after this?
1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Luis Castillo's 13 year old daughter, Helena, RF
3. The headless body of David Wright, 3B
4. A wax statue of Samuel L. Jackson (on loan from Madame Tussaud's), 1B
5. Jerry Manuel's grandpa Jimmy Manuel (1914 - 2007), CF
6. Berbalerbs, SS (No, really. I had a .087/.100/.114 clip for the month of August, good enough for Mets Offensive Player of the Month)
7. A small mass of David Eckstein's cells that were cloned and cultivated in a lab in East Orange, NJ, RF
8. A stepladder, C
9. Johan Santana, P
Wow, I'm sure glad the tone the team set last year on Opening Day carried them the entire year!!!

This would usually be the point where I calm down for 5 to 10 seconds and concede that I know the writer didn't literally mean this, he was implying blah blah blah, but FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not sure how someone can be stupid enough to write something like that and yet smart enough to use a computer.

Alright...let's wrap up the retardation.
To expect Reyes to come back with perfect timing is expecting too much. In fact, it might be better to bring him back with that built-in excuse.
Look guys, he's gonna suck for a while, but we have to focus on the important stuff: he's doing all his little handshakes on Opening Day!
Just having Jose Reyes in the lineup makes the Mets winners on Opening Day.
Drown yourself, Kay Kay.