In a story that is in no way going to help the reputation for Russians being drunk... a Russian got totally hammered... and then tried to fuck a raccoon... with somewhat disastrous results.
An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man's penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.
I mean, was he trying to rape its face? there's just so much awesomeness and stupidity to this story I don't even know where to begin. Oh. You'll see.
Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.
On the one hand, what kind of friends let him try to rape a raccoon. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to party with those guys? That's right. 44. Years. Old. On the one hand, you'd think someone in their mid-40's would know better than to drunkenly rape a raccoon. On the other hand, why don't you lay off it, Judge Reinhold?
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.
Yep. Not even remorseful about it. That's right. Thought he'd have some fun. What great merriment having sex with rabid animals will be! I love that this attitude somehow stunned the surgeons. The dude tried to fuck a raccoon. There's really nothing else he could say or do that I would really consider 'stunning'.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
One, I have to imagine this gentleman was not married. Probably not even seeing anyone(human). And so imagine if you meet the girl of your dreams. At some point, you are going to have to have that conversation about why your dongle is mutilated, right? And 2, I mean, even John Wayne Bobbit can say 'crazy ex-wife'. But, 'Oh, you know. Just another drunken weekend with my friends trying to fornicate with feral animals!' somehow seems like it would be some kind of deal-breaker for any woman with even the faintest sense of sanity.
Showing posts with label rape is not funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape is not funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.
So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"
Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.
Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.
In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.
See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?
"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.
Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?
He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"
To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.
"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.
Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.
So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!
Back to the article,
Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.
To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.
Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.
Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.
In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.
See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?
"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.
Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?
He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"
To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.
"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.
Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.
So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!
Back to the article,
Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.
To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Last Dance For Grace Was Probably to 'Back Dat Ass Up'
Pop quiz hot shot. I'm a stripper/whore/escort/whatever. Let's say I get all hammered and then come to your place to party. Then I accuse you of rape. Then let's say it gets proven that I'm pretty much lying about the whole thing and can't keep my story straight and have one of the sketchiest DA's in the history of anything ever and all the charges are dropped. What do you do? What do you do?
A:shoot the hostage Write a memoir avowing that you were, in fact, assaulted!
The woman who North Carolina prosecutors determined falsely accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party maintains in a new memoir that she was attacked.
Here's where I'll jump in to give you all the definition of Libel : "defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures. " Literally cleared of all charges in a court of law, and she is releasing a book claiming they attacked her. Ooooh gurl, you are soooo sued.
Crystal Mangum, who appeared publicly Thursday for the first time since making the allegations more than two years ago, says in her forthcoming book she is not “looking forward to opening old wounds” but that she had to defend herself.
She also goes on to say she will continue to hunt for the real rapists, and plans on releasing a work of fiction next yea, titled "If I Did It: Confessions of a Lying Whore." Good thing she's getting this book out to clear her name. Don't want people to get the wrong impression about her. So like for example don't read her wikipedia page. Well, at least don't read this part:
Mangum had been working part-time for about two months as an escort and stripper for Allure Escort Service, and was also a 27-year-old student at North Carolina Central University. Before arriving at the party that day, she had consumed alcohol and Flexeril and had engaged in sexual intercourse with other clients.
Because that might paint her in a bad light. Also the part about how she and the other stripper got into a fight afterwards because she refused to leave the car, then continued to fight in some store, then she was taken to a mental hospital for evaluation, and only then made her first claim about rape. These things could maybe put a dent in her credibility.
“Even as I try to move on with my life, I still find it necessary to take one more stand and fight,” she writes in the book, “The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story.”
Look. I get that the guys at the party were complete douchetasters. I think it's actually a prerequisite for college lacrosse teams. These fuckers look like they talk without moving their jaws. One of them even went to the same high school as me, and almost everyone that goes there is complete shitstain (myself excluded, obvi). Just look at them:
Thanks, I will...right now! Here's what I make of it: You're trying to make money off your memoir and think that you will sell more copies by stirring up controversy. You will probably succeed, and you will probably still be remembered as the whore who maybe was treated, by complete asscocks, like a whore. I say that without equivocation. You became infamous not because you were raped (you weren't) but because you are an incredibly shitty liar. So fuck you and fuck your book. Obviously rape and sexual assault are awful, brutal and incredibly scarring things. I would normally just avoid this topic at all costs, but I think after everything that came to light in this trial, it became pretty clear that yes, the guys in question were probably pretty shitty people, but they in no way shape or form raped this woman, and you kind of royally fucked them, the way you claim they did to you.
An attorney who defended one of the players in the criminal case quickly denounced Mangum’s remarks, saying her allegation hurt the accused players, the state and all women who have been victims of sexual assault.
“If Crystal Mangum truly wants to heal, get on with her life and have others learn from her experiences, she would admit her lies and the damage they did,” Joseph Cheshire said in an e-mail. “The fact that she will not do that makes all of her motives and self-possessed desire to explain herself another lie. This is about money and lies. Pure and simple.”
Similar to my take on it, except less swearing. But still. Some major pwnage.
Mangum declined to answer specific questions about the details of the case on Thursday, and the publisher of the book said repeatedly “the case is closed” and she accepts the conclusions of state prosecutors.
Except no she fucking doesn't! Remember before when she unequivocally said she was assaulted? And if the publisher believed the case was closed, then why publish the fucking book? And no shit she isn't going to take questions. "How exactly were you assaulted?" "The case is closed. I accept the conclusions of the state prosecutors, but will say that I was definitely assaulted. On that day." "O...K?" But so what did she say, then?
“At this point, it doesn’t really matter,” she said Thursday. “What matters is for people to know my account of what happened and for all of us to learn from it.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? At this point, what doesn't really matter? The case results? And for people to know what happened to you, hasn't it been pretty much proven that you're not exactly the best source to go to for information?
The state’s investigation found there was no DNA or medical evidence, or witness accounts, that confirmed Mangum’s story. The inconsistencies in Mangum’s account, the state found, “were so significant and so contrary to the evidence that the State had no credible evidence that an attack occurred in the house that night.”
So what I want to know is if her book can even be published as non-fiction. I also want to know how a lying whore is now a published author and I'm still toiling away on blogspot. Oh right! I haven't written anything. Or done anything. Or accomplished anything.
The Associated Press had not previously identified Mangum per its policy of not naming people who say they are victims of sexual assault, even after public statements clearing the players. The AP decided to name Mangum once she came out publicly on her own.
Please note the AP never waits to name the alleged rapists. So I guess what I'm saying is if you're ever arrested for a major crime of some sort, and you don't want your mom to find out, tell the coppers you're a rape victim and The AP won't be able to release your name. Hmmm... What would the AP's policy be if I raped myself? Would they asplode?
Mangum’s version of the alleged assault varied in the number of assailants, and whether she was ever assaulted at all. At one point, state prosecutors noted, she said that photos taken at the party that contradicted her story were altered.
The biggest change in her account came in December 2006, when Mangum told an investigator for former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong that she could no longer be sure the attackers had raped her.
I'm sure the book clears all this up. In fact, in a Gallimaufry exclusive, here is the end of the book where she clears the air:
I maybe misremembered the whole rape thing. Whoops. Pobody's Nerfect! Anyway, I was assaulted. I was. Look here: "The act or an instance of unlawfully threatening or attempting to injure another. " Those fucking crackers were listening to motherfuckin' Hank Williams III. How the fuck am I supposed to dance to that shit? Obviously they were doing this with the intention that I fall down and hurt myself. And that's assault. Look, I know this whole things been heavy, so I'll end with a poignant joke. Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Thanks Crystal!
A:
The woman who North Carolina prosecutors determined falsely accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party maintains in a new memoir that she was attacked.
Here's where I'll jump in to give you all the definition of Libel : "defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures. " Literally cleared of all charges in a court of law, and she is releasing a book claiming they attacked her. Ooooh gurl, you are soooo sued.
Crystal Mangum, who appeared publicly Thursday for the first time since making the allegations more than two years ago, says in her forthcoming book she is not “looking forward to opening old wounds” but that she had to defend herself.
She also goes on to say she will continue to hunt for the real rapists, and plans on releasing a work of fiction next yea, titled "If I Did It: Confessions of a Lying Whore." Good thing she's getting this book out to clear her name. Don't want people to get the wrong impression about her. So like for example don't read her wikipedia page. Well, at least don't read this part:
Mangum had been working part-time for about two months as an escort and stripper for Allure Escort Service, and was also a 27-year-old student at North Carolina Central University. Before arriving at the party that day, she had consumed alcohol and Flexeril and had engaged in sexual intercourse with other clients.
Because that might paint her in a bad light. Also the part about how she and the other stripper got into a fight afterwards because she refused to leave the car, then continued to fight in some store, then she was taken to a mental hospital for evaluation, and only then made her first claim about rape. These things could maybe put a dent in her credibility.
“Even as I try to move on with my life, I still find it necessary to take one more stand and fight,” she writes in the book, “The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story.”
Look. I get that the guys at the party were complete douchetasters. I think it's actually a prerequisite for college lacrosse teams. These fuckers look like they talk without moving their jaws. One of them even went to the same high school as me, and almost everyone that goes there is complete shitstain (myself excluded, obvi). Just look at them:
Nothing not douche-y about them. But come the fuck on lady, your shit was proven untrue in a court. And court's never botched anything ever. I say that unequivocally and without any sense of hyperbole. Also 1. Who the fuck is Grace and 2. I hope you get the irony of that book title, and the hilarity of the puns on it [see post title].
Thanks, I will...right now! Here's what I make of it: You're trying to make money off your memoir and think that you will sell more copies by stirring up controversy. You will probably succeed, and you will probably still be remembered as the whore who maybe was treated, by complete asscocks, like a whore. I say that without equivocation. You became infamous not because you were raped (you weren't) but because you are an incredibly shitty liar. So fuck you and fuck your book. Obviously rape and sexual assault are awful, brutal and incredibly scarring things. I would normally just avoid this topic at all costs, but I think after everything that came to light in this trial, it became pretty clear that yes, the guys in question were probably pretty shitty people, but they in no way shape or form raped this woman, and you kind of royally fucked them, the way you claim they did to you.
An attorney who defended one of the players in the criminal case quickly denounced Mangum’s remarks, saying her allegation hurt the accused players, the state and all women who have been victims of sexual assault.
“If Crystal Mangum truly wants to heal, get on with her life and have others learn from her experiences, she would admit her lies and the damage they did,” Joseph Cheshire said in an e-mail. “The fact that she will not do that makes all of her motives and self-possessed desire to explain herself another lie. This is about money and lies. Pure and simple.”
Similar to my take on it, except less swearing. But still. Some major pwnage.
Mangum declined to answer specific questions about the details of the case on Thursday, and the publisher of the book said repeatedly “the case is closed” and she accepts the conclusions of state prosecutors.
Except no she fucking doesn't! Remember before when she unequivocally said she was assaulted? And if the publisher believed the case was closed, then why publish the fucking book? And no shit she isn't going to take questions. "How exactly were you assaulted?" "The case is closed. I accept the conclusions of the state prosecutors, but will say that I was definitely assaulted. On that day." "O...K?" But so what did she say, then?
“At this point, it doesn’t really matter,” she said Thursday. “What matters is for people to know my account of what happened and for all of us to learn from it.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? At this point, what doesn't really matter? The case results? And for people to know what happened to you, hasn't it been pretty much proven that you're not exactly the best source to go to for information?
The state’s investigation found there was no DNA or medical evidence, or witness accounts, that confirmed Mangum’s story. The inconsistencies in Mangum’s account, the state found, “were so significant and so contrary to the evidence that the State had no credible evidence that an attack occurred in the house that night.”
So what I want to know is if her book can even be published as non-fiction. I also want to know how a lying whore is now a published author and I'm still toiling away on blogspot. Oh right! I haven't written anything. Or done anything. Or accomplished anything.
The Associated Press had not previously identified Mangum per its policy of not naming people who say they are victims of sexual assault, even after public statements clearing the players. The AP decided to name Mangum once she came out publicly on her own.
Please note the AP never waits to name the alleged rapists. So I guess what I'm saying is if you're ever arrested for a major crime of some sort, and you don't want your mom to find out, tell the coppers you're a rape victim and The AP won't be able to release your name. Hmmm... What would the AP's policy be if I raped myself? Would they asplode?
Mangum’s version of the alleged assault varied in the number of assailants, and whether she was ever assaulted at all. At one point, state prosecutors noted, she said that photos taken at the party that contradicted her story were altered.
The biggest change in her account came in December 2006, when Mangum told an investigator for former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong that she could no longer be sure the attackers had raped her.
I'm sure the book clears all this up. In fact, in a Gallimaufry exclusive, here is the end of the book where she clears the air:
I maybe misremembered the whole rape thing. Whoops. Pobody's Nerfect! Anyway, I was assaulted. I was. Look here: "The act or an instance of unlawfully threatening or attempting to injure another. " Those fucking crackers were listening to motherfuckin' Hank Williams III. How the fuck am I supposed to dance to that shit? Obviously they were doing this with the intention that I fall down and hurt myself. And that's assault. Look, I know this whole things been heavy, so I'll end with a poignant joke. Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Thanks Crystal!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
UPDATE: Crazy Bitch Clones Dog, Not Self (Thankfully)
Alright kiddies, if you've already read this, follow me down to the bottom of the post for more ABSOLUTE FUCKING INSANITY. If you haven't read this post yet, it starts directly beneath this picture of two pitbulls making out. Do yourself a favor: go get you some crazy.
Fuglympic Gold Medal Relay Team poses after Shattering World Fugliness Record
Now I want you to know this: we haven't even gotten to the "pretending to be deaf/mute actors in Ireland to escape the fuzz" part.
Anyhoo, they find this heifer with a 15 year old in her van and they arrest her, right? And obviously if this bitch is sending little tikes on B&E missions for dough, she can't afford an attorney...welp, that's about the time the cloud started to cover the sun in public defender David Crockett's world. He had landed him a crazy and a--
Hold up. David Crockett? Like Davey Crockett? I wonder if people always sing that song around him?
Can you imagine these two across the table from each other?
Crockett: Ms. McKinney, it is imperative that your aesthetic presence besuits a lady who's-- I'm sorry, what is that aromatic attrocity?
/McKinney reaches into pants, produces small bit of feces, slams feces onto table, giggles, deficates more
McKinney: Horsey!!!
Crockett: Oh my.
Fuglympic Gold Medal Relay Team poses after Shattering World Fugliness Record Are you ready for the crazy? I mean really ready for it? You sure? Alright then...
A woman who made news around the world when she had five pups cloned from her beloved pit bull Booger...[is] the same woman who 31 years earlier was accused of abducting a Mormon missionary in England, handcuffing him to a bed and making him her sex slave.
If you're hung-over, or high, or just brain-numbed from your boring, tedious, directionless, thankless, never ending Greek Mythology Torture-esque pattern of inanity that is a 9 to 5 job, I want you to read that quote over again. Let the true batshit craziness of it sink in.
Now I want you to know this: we haven't even gotten to the "pretending to be deaf/mute actors in Ireland to escape the fuzz" part.
Through tears, [Joyce "Fuckin' Looney" McKinney] explained that she went public with her efforts to replicate Booger, who died two years ago, hoping people would be able to focus on that story rather than the "garbage" of the past.
The "garbage" of you shackling up some dude and raping him repeatedly? Yeah, you wasting tens of thousands of dollars to "replicate" your dead dog is WAAAY more news-worthy than that "garbage."
"I thought people would be honest enough to see me as a person who was trying to do something good and not as a celebrity," McKinney said.
If it helps any, I don't think people see you as either. I'm pretty sure you're viewed more as a "crazy fucking bitch." Also, I don't recall ever being "honest enough to see" something. WTF's that even mean?
"My mother always taught me, 'Say something good or say nothing at all."'
Did your mother ever teach you, "Don't rape people?"
"I think I gave people too much credit"
Um...excuse me, miss?
YOU KIDNAPPED A MORMON, HANDCUFFED HIM TO A BED, RAPED HIM REPEATEDLY, AND NOW YOU FEEL THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING YOUR DEAD DOG (who you named FUCKING BOOGER) CLONED, YOU SHOULD BE APPLAUDED BY THE MASSES FOR DOING "SOMETHING GOOD?" FORREALLY REALZ?!?
Ahem. Sorry guys. I get a little emotional sometimes. Here. To bring some levity back into the room. Now, where were we? Ah yes, back to the crazy.
It's time to take a deeper look into what happened 31 years ago that made Joyce McKinney the, uh, "celebrity" she is now...
The story of Joyce McKinney is the stuff of pulp fiction: a North Carolina-born beauty queen who moved west, won the title Miss Wyoming USA and went on to college at Brigham Young University, where she became obsessed with a Mormon fellow student.
It should be noted that Ms. McKinney most likely moved to Wyoming to continue her "career" as a "beauty queen" because there are no attractive people in Wyoming. Whatsoever. At all. Thus making it easier for someone who looks like this to win a State Beauty Pageant:
[Insert Sound of Car Crash Here]
It should also be noted that MSNBC's article describes the victim as being "Mormon" every single solitary time he is brought up, like it's a contractual obligation they have with Mormonocity (that's what you call their practice, right?)
[McKinnley] and a male accomplice were accused of abducting the 21-year-old [Mormon] missionary as he went door to door [Mormonly], taking him [and his Mormonic ass] to a rented 17th-century "honeymoon cottage" in Devon and chaining him spread-eagle to a bed with several pairs of mink-lined handcuffs [Mormon].
Mink-lined handcuffs, eh? Well, I guess if you have to be a sex slave, the least you can hope for is to be a stylish one.
But why? Why would someone do such a terrible, traumatizing, torturous thing? Why, love of course!
Joyce McKinney said she'd fallen head-over-heels in love with the Mormon man and acknowledged tracking him to England. "I loved him so much," she told a judge, "that I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to."
So...yeah. Don't really need a smart-ass comment for that one. Moving on...
But she denied a sexual assault, saying the young man was a willing partner.
What I imagine is some naked Mormon dude (no homo) running through the streets of Devon, England with handcuffs and bits of bedposts all over the place screaming something like "AAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGOMYGODHELPMESOMECRAZYBITCHBEENRAPINMEHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP" and he finally found a police officer and explained his case and the cop was probably all "what're you, queer? That sounds awesome," to which the Mormon probably replied:
and the police officer was all "OH GOD NO" and "dude, I'm so SO sorry" and then they found this bitch, and arrested her and she was like "um, he...wanted to?"
AND Ms. McKinney is still harping on the same argument her defense attorneys (unsuccessfully) used three decades ago: the Mormon in question is a big dude.
"I didn't rape no 300-pound man," she said. "He was built like a Green Bay Packer."
Eloquently stated, Joyce. Although, there is the whole thing that he was
HANDCUFFED TO YOUR FUCKING BED, NOT TO MENTION THE ONLY THING ONE WOULD NEED TO EVEN THE PLAYING FIELD WITH A "300 lb MORMONIC GREEN BAY PACKER" IS A FUCKING ACCOMPLICE...WHICH YOU HAD. SO...YEAH.
Sorry again. You know how I get sometimes...it's only 'cause I love you.
So McKinney and her accomplice go to jail in London for 3 whole months. They are released on bail, and then...for those of you who thought I was joking about the "deaf/mute actor" thing before,
The pair then jumped bail, posing as deaf-mute actors in Ireland to board an Air Canada flight to Toronto and eventually a bus to Cleveland, where investigators lost their trail.
AirCanada Employee: Can I have yer tickets there, eh?
/Joyce and Accomplice stare, silent.
AirCanada Employee: Um, excuse me, but do you two hosers have tickets 'er not, cause...
/More staring, more silence
AirCanada Employee: Aw fer cryin out loud here!
AirCanada Manager: Watch yer language, eh!
AirCanada Employee: Saaaay, yer not those deaf-myoot acters they told us ta look out fer, are ya?
/Joyce and Accomplice shrug, nod.
AirCanada Employee: Well why didn't ya say so! Oop, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA didja here what I just said there, why...didn't...ya...say... ::sigh:: Welp, let's get you ta Toronto, eh?
So Joyce McKinney, dog lover, rapist, and apparent International Crazy Bitch of Mystery disappears into the bustling metropolis of Cleavland, a city so alive, so vibrant, they named pooping on someone's chest after it.
Life went on pretty normally for McKinney (read: she was arrested again for stalking the same poor Mormon, and police found rope and handcuffs in her car and again she found a way to disappear right before her trial) as she tried to cope with the trauma that comes with raping someone...apparently.
"It's taken years of therapy to get past this," she said. "We go to church and serve the Lord and try to lead good lives and do good things."
Years of therapy...for...her? I'm sorry but I've seen Misery, and not once during that film do I think, "man, Kathy Bates's character really has it rough, torturing this dude and keeping him captive. Men are pigs!"
And then...the pitbull cloning. Lotsa mini-Boogers. And from what I can tell through all of the research I've done (including and limited to reading this article), it seems like she wanted it to be a big news story. And I can't imagine that she really thought no one was going to notice who she was...I mean, it's almost like she's...how do you say it...ah yes, crazy as all fucking get-out.
McKinney said that, as far as she's concerned, the Joyce McKinney of 31 years ago doesn't exist. She maintains her innocence and says the woman of all those years ago is a "figment of the tabloid press. ... I don't want that garbage in with the puppy story."
This is EXACTLY why I always end my craigslist personal ads with "No Fatties, No Crazies (but mostly no fatties)."
CRAZY ASS UPDATE: CRAZY ASS BITCH OUT-CRAZIES CRAZY ASS SELF (CRAZY)
This bitch makes me want to dance around singing scat while throwing computer monitors at my workplace naked wearing a top hat.
I just want to feel the craziness that is this chick's every day life...even for one fleeting, beautiful moment.
A woman who made headlines by having five pups cloned and was linked to an abduction case in England is also wanted in Tennessee on charges she tried to plan a burglary in 2004, a defense attorney and prosecutors there said.
Pfffft...burglary? Come on, MSNBC...give the people what they want...give 'em the fucking CRAZY:
Authorities said she instructed a 15-year-old boy to break into a house, and [her poor, poor public defendant] Crockett said she needed the money to buy a false leg for a beloved horse.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Now that's some goooooooood crazy. So, let's review...This bitch:
- Fell in love at college - Not Crazy
- Followed her Mormonic crush to England (unbeknownst to him), hired someone to help her chain him down on a bed and proceeded to rape him until he escaped and ran to the cops. Pleaded not guilty, claimed sex was consensual - Decidedly Fucking Crazy
- Jumped bail and fled back to America - Ballsy, but not necessarily crazy...it would depend on how she--
- Posed as a deaf/mute Irish actor in order to jump bail via Air Canada - OMFG Crazy
- Acquires a horse who somehow loses a leg (kept it chained to the bed a lil' too long, didn't ya, McKinney?) and enlists the help of a 15 year old (that she befriended? bribed with candy? taught about the "birds and the bees?" /throws up a little in mouth) to rob someone for fake horse leg funds? - Championship Quality Fucking Crazy
Anyhoo, they find this heifer with a 15 year old in her van and they arrest her, right? And obviously if this bitch is sending little tikes on B&E missions for dough, she can't afford an attorney...welp, that's about the time the cloud started to cover the sun in public defender David Crockett's world. He had landed him a crazy and a--
Hold up. David Crockett? Like Davey Crockett? I wonder if people always sing that song around him?
"Yes, they do, and it annoys the shit out of me," said Crockett.Right then. Moving along...well it seems as though either through the random fates or a judge's affinity towards buddy comedies, Joyce McKinney was paired up with Crockett, who, judging by his quotes, seems like an English butler circa 1784.
"There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her," Crockett said. "She was a rather bizarre character, and seems to have a strange circumstance now."
Can you imagine these two across the table from each other?
Crockett: Ms. McKinney, it is imperative that your aesthetic presence besuits a lady who's-- I'm sorry, what is that aromatic attrocity?
/McKinney reaches into pants, produces small bit of feces, slams feces onto table, giggles, deficates more
McKinney: Horsey!!!
Crockett: Oh my.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Can't You People Take a Joke? He Was in Character
You squares just don't get it, do you?
It doesn't count as sodomy when he's playing a role!
A livery cab driver is accused of rape:
"Torkieh Sadagheh, 28, had aspired to be "the next Borat," a neighbor said.
The accused rapist played a character akin to British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's wildly popular Borat - a bigoted reporter from Kazakhstan - in a homemade film, neighbor Joseph Polemeni said.
"He was trying to make a movie," said Polemeni, 49. "Apparently, the kid is trying to be a Borat-type guy."
Polemeni said he once went with Sadagheh to Manhattan's Riverside Park, where the wanna-be filmmaker accosted elderly parkgoers.
"He asked embarrassing questions," said Polemeni, of Gravesend, Brooklyn. "He wanted to know what old people knew about sex. This guy is a real jerk."
Sadagheh was arrested Sunday, hours after Monica Maneiro, 23, a dancer from Scores West Side, escaped a backseat attack and reported his license-plate number to cops.
In the meantime, Sadagheh had raped and sodomized another 23-year-old woman in the car, officials said.
Both women were picked up at 28th St. and 10th Ave"
I still remember how bad I freaked out before stepping into my first livery cab... fearing for my life at 125th street right below the Metro North Terminal. I tried so hard to catch a yellow cab, to no avail for several minutes. I probably wouldn't have cared really, but my girlfriend was with me at the time, and as little as I cared about the consequences of getting myself killed, having someone else's blood on my hands was not something I was prepared for. The ride turned out to be totally fine, no different than any other cab ride, save the lack of meter. After that we used several livery cabs throughout the rest of the time I lived in Washington Heights.
As much as I'd like to say "wow, maybe it's not such a good idea after all", I can't because this seems more the exception than the rule. All my experiences in livery cabs have been pleasant, despite the lack of sodomy. I've never even been hit on my a livery cab driver - am I not pretty enough for you? Am I not your type? Why would you even bother to pick me up if you didn't think I was sexy?
I would like to see his movie, however.
I'd also like to point out that I've spent the past 25 years doing research for a movie about a sarcastic asshole who makes fun of everyone, nonstop. Even loved ones! So if you know me, and I've offended you at some point in your life, it doesn't count because I was in character. Don't hate me because I'm a terrific actor!
It doesn't count as sodomy when he's playing a role!
A livery cab driver is accused of rape:
"Torkieh Sadagheh, 28, had aspired to be "the next Borat," a neighbor said.
The accused rapist played a character akin to British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's wildly popular Borat - a bigoted reporter from Kazakhstan - in a homemade film, neighbor Joseph Polemeni said.
"He was trying to make a movie," said Polemeni, 49. "Apparently, the kid is trying to be a Borat-type guy."
Polemeni said he once went with Sadagheh to Manhattan's Riverside Park, where the wanna-be filmmaker accosted elderly parkgoers.
"He asked embarrassing questions," said Polemeni, of Gravesend, Brooklyn. "He wanted to know what old people knew about sex. This guy is a real jerk."
Sadagheh was arrested Sunday, hours after Monica Maneiro, 23, a dancer from Scores West Side, escaped a backseat attack and reported his license-plate number to cops.
In the meantime, Sadagheh had raped and sodomized another 23-year-old woman in the car, officials said.
Both women were picked up at 28th St. and 10th Ave"
I still remember how bad I freaked out before stepping into my first livery cab... fearing for my life at 125th street right below the Metro North Terminal. I tried so hard to catch a yellow cab, to no avail for several minutes. I probably wouldn't have cared really, but my girlfriend was with me at the time, and as little as I cared about the consequences of getting myself killed, having someone else's blood on my hands was not something I was prepared for. The ride turned out to be totally fine, no different than any other cab ride, save the lack of meter. After that we used several livery cabs throughout the rest of the time I lived in Washington Heights.
As much as I'd like to say "wow, maybe it's not such a good idea after all", I can't because this seems more the exception than the rule. All my experiences in livery cabs have been pleasant, despite the lack of sodomy. I've never even been hit on my a livery cab driver - am I not pretty enough for you? Am I not your type? Why would you even bother to pick me up if you didn't think I was sexy?
I would like to see his movie, however.
I'd also like to point out that I've spent the past 25 years doing research for a movie about a sarcastic asshole who makes fun of everyone, nonstop. Even loved ones! So if you know me, and I've offended you at some point in your life, it doesn't count because I was in character. Don't hate me because I'm a terrific actor!
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