Monday, August 11, 2008

You did it big guy!!!

You may remember way back when - March, specifically, when I wrote a telling piece on a gentleman trying only to woo his lady. The only thing standing in his was 800 lbs of fat. And the laws of physics. Those weren't helping either. I remember thinking who would want to date someone like that? But we can all celebrate today, for Uribe made it out! He went to the beach! Well, he was forklifted to the beach on his special bed, but still.

Manuel Uribe traveled to the shore of a lake in northern Mexico without ever leaving his specially designed bed. A forklift hoisted the bed onto the truck, which then hauled him to the lake, where he snacked on fish and vegetables and joked with a local boat operator.

"Snacked"? Is a 700 lb man being carted to a beach just so he can leave his house for the first time in over a year really in the position to be "snacking"? At least amid the 550lbs he's dropped, he hasn't lost his sense of humour. I wonder if they'll tell us his little joke...

Looking at the boatman's small craft, Uribe joked, "Too bad I can't get on it — it would sink."

Hahahahahahahahaahahadespite losing a quarter ton I'm still fat enough to sink a ship. I wonder if he was actually joking or if the guy invited him on and he was just being honest. I mean, he can't really "get on" anything. The guy can't leave his bed. Or walk.

Once considered the world's fattest man when his weight hit over half a ton, more than two years of steady dieting had helped Uribe drop to about 700 pounds as of June — 550 pounds less than his former Guinness record weight of 1,235 pounds. He did not say what his current weight is.

He now holds the Guinness record of "Most Skin." Also, how bad is this guy dying for someone else to get fatter than 1,235 pounds so that he can stop being referred to in that way? I wonder why he didn't say what his current weight is. Did he gain a few pounds back?! Scandalous!! Or maybe it's just that when you weigh roughly 700 lbs, you no longer need to be that specific.

While somewhat bothered by the summer heat, Uribe appeared to enjoy Sunday's outing. He is still unable to walk, and his last planned outing in March was aborted after the platform carrying his bed got stuck under an overpass.

I already told them about
the overpass! And I can't believe they didn't have a little canopy over his forklift-bed so the sun wouldn't hurt him! Who are these assholes taking him to the beach?

His last successful trip outside his home was in March 2007, when six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered to greet him.

Kind of backhanded, when you think about it. Ooooh you finally made it outside! Good for you! Oh, you were wheeled out? And it took six people? That's ok, you're still a winner! Let us serenade you! Seriously:

for every pound Uribe loses, the guy on the left eats a donut

Before that, he hadn't left his home in five years.

My question is - where did he get his food? And his money? If he orders like a hundred cakes, don't you have a legal obligation to not give it to him? And at what point do you decide: Hey, I should call a doctor, because I think I'm going to stop leaving the bed, it's too much work. They should make a documentary about him so I could swear to myself I'd watch it then lose interest after 10 seconds or have to change the channel because I'm shallow and easily repulsed.

OK. Holy.Shit. So writing that last sentence made me think: There probably is a documentary about this guy. So I went to wikipedia (natch) to find out. I didn't see anything about a documentary (I didn't look very hard either but still), but I did see his pre-diet ...well, diet:

20 eggs, beans, 9 tortillas stuffed with cheese and meat, two bowls of taco salad.
Half a chicken, 4 meat and cheese tortillas, salad, fizzy drinks, pasta, bread.
3-4 eggs with hamburger, beans, 3-4 cheese and meat tortillas, bread, or pasta, fizzy drinks, coffee, milk, 3 quarts ice cream, pineapple.

How is that even fucking possible?!!?!?!?! Turns out now he's on the zone diet(warning - there is video of him on that site and it cannot be unwatched). Now if you'll excuse me: it's my lunchtime and I've still got several meat and cheese tortillas to eat.


  1. I don't know...I wouldn't mind a mariachi band...the fiddlist looks kinda cute

  2. Also, it's odd that your March article was written in 2008...when the actual story took place in 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!


  3. What's crazy is, the doctor talking on Uribe's site, in the video, Dr. Sears, creator of the 'Zone Diet'is the father of the girl who started the sketch comedy/improv group in NYC that I was in, 'The Ice cream Socialists.'