Friday, May 29, 2009

The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"

Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.

U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--

U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--

U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?

U1: Wait what? I don't think I--


U1: Oh. I get it now.

U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.

U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.

U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.

U1: "Da Room"?

The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.

U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.

U1: O...k...

Door swings open
U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?

Pee-Wee: Sup.

U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!

U1: Excuse me?

U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--

U1: Citi.

U3: Who?

U1: Nevermind.

U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.

U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.

U3: Right.

U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--

U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.
C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.

Several sandwiches later...HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Ruh-Roh... or, conversely... Awesome?

Do with the info I am about to present what you will.

Study shows withdrawal almost as good as using a condom

I don't even know what to say about this.

/exits quietly.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.

I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.

Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."

Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this other gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...

Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality

...Gay! No? um...Super Gay!
Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.
Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina.
"It's a really, really cool thing,"
It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy
"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."
"Yeah man, I'm just doing my own thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?"
So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."
Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture
is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. Buuuuuuuut because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story got picked up by everyone. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.

I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.

All I'm sayin is that straight dudes generally don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they generally don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from Jon and Kate Plus 8. And they generally don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.

I MEAN, not that I actually imagine it or wonder what it might be like just once to--

This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.

*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent

For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.
PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography

P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...


[there is a knock at the door]

P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!

Voice: Mr. Snizarello?

P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.
Anguirus: Hi Paulie.

P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?

Anguirus: It's Anguirus.

P DeS: Are you sure?

Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.

P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.

Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.

P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?



P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.

Anguirus: SNIZ!

P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?

Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--

P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.

Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.

P DeS: 'Strue.

Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?

P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.

Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?

P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!

Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--

P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...

Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?

P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.

Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?

P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?

Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?

P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...

Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--

P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.

Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of

P DeS: This one:

Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?

P DeS: Um...



Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.

P DeS: that...


[Anguirus storms out]

P DeS: Pfft. Actors.

Follow The Leader

December 20th, 1982

[Int - Maternity Ward - Virginia]

Richard Alpert: Hello. I represent a very powerful organization. I'm told there's a boy being born here today. Are you Mr. and Mrs. Wright, and is this your son David?

Mrs. Wright: Yes.. how can we help you?

[Alpert runs out]


1988, Virginia

[INT - Wright household]

Richard Alpert: Hello David. My name is Richard. I've been told by someone you may be very special. I've got a test I'd like you to take.

[Richard lays out 3 objects. One is a baseball bat, one is some candy, one is a picture of a man choking to death on a cool fall day]

Richard: David, I want you to tell me which one of these has always belonged to you.

David: Ooooh candy! [grabs and eats candy]

Richard storms out of the house.


2009, Flushing, New York

Ilana: Who plays third base for the Mets?

Frank Lipidus: Uhhh... David Wright?

Bram: Ok, maybe he's a candidate.

Frank: For what?

Bram knocks Frank unconscious.

Ilana: Richard, who plays third base for the Mets?

Richard (in Latin): He who will save us all.

Ilana: We have something to show you.
Ilana opens crate to reveal....

Steve Phillips: Hi! You know Richard, I know you've been looking at this David Wright kid for a long time. I'm just not sure he's got the mental toughness to be a leader yet. It seems like maybe he's got some humps to get over and I'm not sure he'll ever get there. He just seems to lack a killer instinct and a locker room presence that a team leader needs to have. He lacks the heart and grit of say a David Eckstein. That's the type of guy who comes to a team and just wins. I also think this team should trade Carlos Beltran, and I'm certain that the holocaust never happened. What do you think, Joe?

To be honest with you Steve I haven't seen enough one way or the other to comment on whether or not the holocaust actually happened. I also haven't seen enough of Wright to say one way or the other whether his heart is truly in it and if he can be the leader of this ballclub. That being said I think this year he is the Mets MVP, hands down, without a doubt.

Entirety of people on the island: JULIET, DO THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!

See you all in an alternate future where we don't have to listen to moronic assholes say stupid things about your team!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sometimes You Have to Think Outside the Bun

If I were ever about to taken to jail, or in the middle of a high speed car chase, I don't know where my mind would be. I would imagine though, at no point would I think to myself: I might be going to jail for a while, better get a fourth meal.

Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot.

Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. He did not get the burrito, police said.

So, if you're ever about to be arrested, and leading police on a high speed chase, and you stop, you might not have time to get a burrito while you stop? Well I'll be. At least in my extended absence people haven't gotten any smarter, that's really reassuring. So what was the rumpus to being with?

Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges.

Ah. Fair enough. So the coke explains the high speed chase and the logic FAIL, but if he was all coked up you'd think food was the last thing on his mind. You couldn't get me to eat taco bell even if you put some borderline midget washed up old playmate in the commercial...

You think she's hot shoving that phallic burrito into her mouth? Just imagine her on the toilet with violent diarrhea 30 seconds after that first bite. [boi oi oi oi oing]