Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Doctor GeniusFace Has a Whoopsie

I deal with pain fairly regularly. I've had four operations on my wrist. It's been, at times, frustrating. And in certain moments, I've had thoughts like, "I wish I had an axe, I'd hack this fucking hand off right now." Of course, these moments are fleeting, and as reluctant as I am to ever go to the Doctor, I would never ACTUALLY act on any of those thoughts. This guy however? Notsomuch.

A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.

Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.

Couple things here.
Why was he naked? And... a BUTTER knife?! Also... Where was his wife when he was going through with this? To insert a butter knife into one's hernia region would require effort and pain that Would not go unnoticed even if Mrs. Dr. GeniusFace was rocking out her iPod and crocheting or whatever people do.

"He actually impaled himself with the butter knife," Lorenz said. "He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn't want to wait any longer for the medical procedure."

Ok, so you're somehow so fed up that you've decided to perform surgery on yourself, you ambitious soul you, and so you're now trying to determine the best way to cut open your stomach to... fix... your... hernia? Do you even know what a hernia actually is? Even if you do, would you know what it looked like after you somehow cut your own stomach open to see it? And why the fuck would you jab at it with a cigarette? It's going to get all bloody and then you can't smoke it and those things are like a million bucks these days bro!

Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. "I don't know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything," he said.

Further proof we need to work on making lightsabers a reality. They Cauterize as they cut!

Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.

No, no.... Bro. Trust me, even if you weren't? Lie. "Yea, I was WAY hammered. I would never jab a butter knife into my gut and then a lit cigarette! I don't even remember that shit!"

Sunday, July 31, 2011

And the whole "Jesus's Image" thing comes full circle

Let's say for a second you are God. Not only that, you are also the son of God, and died for the sins of every human (fuck you, other things living on Earth!). Anyway, instead of showing yourself to the world and being like "hey sorry for the AIDs and the Hurricanes and shit. I'm testing you! So far I'd give y'all like a C -. But seriously, it's all good there's heaven with cake and boners" or whatever. You think to yourself "Hey, not only am I the son of God, but I'm also God, and rather than talk to these people, I'll show up in their toast! or on a rag! OOOOOOoooh BEST idea ever, I'll show my face on a walmart receipt!

It will shock you to learn the folks who saw Mr. J.H. Christ are from South Carolina. Also, this:

Sutherland said she and Simmons believe the image was a response to a question asked by their preacher in church that week.

"We had a message on knowing God, abiding in him," Sutherland said. "(The preacher asked) 'If you know God, would you recognize him if you saw him?'"

"We just feel like it's a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else," Sutherland said.

Ok so you'd be so jazzed that you recognize God (from a walmart receipt, obviously), that you wouldn't be like "Oh hey, remember Katrina? You're kind of a dick." Or like, "Hey my wife got hit by a drunk driver, what kind of prick gives a "test" like that? No, just oh hey! I know that face, you were on my receipt for Marlboro reds and easymac! It's a sign!

Simmons said Walmart workers told him the receipt would only change colors if heat was applied, but he does not know how it would have been heated enough to cause the mark.

Can't wait for the follow up when they get the receipt back from the lab to find out if it had indeed been heated! See you at the rapture y'all!!!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Berbalerbs: Just the Tip

This is a new feature in which 'Mauf writer Berbalerbs shares a brief observation or comment, a literary amuse-bouche, if you will. Why? Because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) fuck-off.

I just realized that Andy Rooney's little "editorial" spot on 60 Minutes consists of him re-discovering that he's 174 fucking years old, week after week, and that puts him a leeeeeeettle out of touch with those of us whose lives haven't spanned 3 different centuries.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ooo, look. Berbalerbs is mad at something someone wrote about the Mets. How novel.

Someone from a really ignorant Mets blog wrote something really ignorant. Let's make fun, shall we?

In Defense Of The Wilpons: Are The Mets Heading To The Junkyard?
Think back to that first car you owned. Wont [sic] it always have a special place in your heart?
Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this lede, mostly because it's wordy and appropos to NOTHING ELSE IN THE FUCKING BLOG POST. But mostly it's blah blah loved the car but then it started to break down blah blah eventually couldn't just throw money at it, and you had to get rid of it.
I’m wondering when the Wilpon’s [sic] will reach this point—if they haven’t already.
Ok, so at this point, maybe the article's going to talk about how the Wilpons have treated their ownership of the Mets a bit irresponsibly, as a teenager might treat his/her first car. Maybe they valued the shinyness of its hood over the power of the engine? I don't know. I didn't construct this tortured metaphor.

But no. That is not the direction this web log poster decided to take. This interweb writer decided to take a sharp left-hand turn to Fuckwit Township.
Yes, the Wilpons have been criticized and crucified for not giving us our elusive 3rd Championship...But in their defense, do they deserve all the blame?
No. Not all the blame. But a hefty fucking percentage of the blame, yes.
True they should have spent money better, wiser. Just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.
If you're wondering, those two sentences completely undermine the rest of the post. This is the next sentence. The very. Next. Sentence:
However, when all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball.
Wouldn't that whole thing look a lot more sensible if you switched those two thoughts around?
When all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball. However, just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.
See? Doesn't that make your brain hurt a lot less?
Tell someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City that our owners don’t want to win.
Berbalerbs: Hey, someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City?
SIPOKC: What's up?
Berbalerbs: Our owners don't seem like they want to win.
SIPOKC: Fair assessment. Wanna make a suicide pact?
Berbalerbs: Boy, do I!!!
They have opened their wallets time and time again.
On players like Oliver Perez. And Luis Castillo. And Alex Cora. And Gary Fucking Matthews Fucking Jr. (fucking.)
They have put the best product on the field and given us the tools needed to build a championship.
Our "best product, championship-building toolshed" included Mike Jacobs hitting cleanup on Opening Day this year. And before you say "he was there due to another player being injured," that other player was Daniel Murphy. No disrespect to Murph, but come. The fuck. On.
Take a step back.
Cuz you standin' on mah dick!!! Tee hee. Ahem, sorry.
Don’t look at who we haven’t gotten but who we HAVE.
Get ready for this folks. This is an INVALUABLE lesson for us all to learn, ESPECIALLY anyone planning on a career in politics: If you ignore any and all context to a situation, you can argue anything!!! Let's begin:
We signed future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez.
After his prime. For too many years and too much money. Look, I'll be the first to say it was a good signing, but mostly because it restored some credibility to a team that had been UTTER SHIT for like 4 years. It likely helped them land Beltran, and indeed, in 2006 we almost made the World Series with Pedro on the team. But by the end of that season, the cracks began to show as we were counting on a LOT of people past their prime (Pedro, El Duque, Glavine) to lead us to glory. But I digress.
Then signed another future Hall of Famer in Tom Glavine, both who definitely know a thing or two about winning pressure games.
Glavine we covered above, but I just wanted to add in that line about "knowing a thing or two about winning pressure games," like that's...a thing.
We locked up 5 tool superstar Carlos Beltran for 7 years in the prime of his career.
Yup. Score one for the front office!!!


Oh, and while I'm being bitchy, the blog this was posted on (which refers to itself as "The Ultimate Baseball Site for Die-Hard Mets fans derp derp derp") consistently brings up the fact that the 2010 Mets "started losing as soon as Beltran came back," because if you were paying attention in Science class, correlation ALWAYS equals causation. But yea, Mr. Clubhouse Cancer is all of a sudden a championship tool when it's convenient.
We acquired slugger Carlos Delgado who, as his career was winding down, had a deep seeded desire to play in a World Series.
First part: granted, especially the "career winding down" part. Second part: objection, your honor. Relevance?
We signed the best LHP in the game in Johan Santana
Woah woah woah woah woah. Anything about that seem weird to you? Like, maybe that he wasn't on the team when Pedro and Glavine were here? And when he arrived here, John Maine and Oliver Perez were considered our #2 and #3 guys?
When our bullpen crumbled we obtained Francisco Rodriguez fresh off his record 62 saves.
Which was the opposite of a productive way to fix the problem. Our ENTIRE bullpen crumbled, not just our closer. So you give a RIDICULOUSLY HIGH contract (and I'm not saying this just because of Baby-Mama's-Daddy-PunchGate, $15 mill+ a year for a relief pitcher not named Mariano Rivera is silly) based on one of the worst stats in baseball, the save? And yea I get that they signed Putz that same year, but making a recognizable, past-his-prime closer your eighth inning guy and having NOTHING behind that isn't a strategy. Putz predictably wanted to be a closer again (whether or not his performance warrants it), so you knew he wasn't sticking around. And K-Rod hits old people, so...y'know.
We brought in Gary Sheffield for his veteran presence and post-season experience.

I'm verklempt. I need a minute.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

Gary Sheffield is neither an example of a good move by ownership NOR an example of ownership spending a lot of money (being that Detroit was paying almost all of his bloated contract after RELEASING HIM FROM THEIR TEAM DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PLAY BASEBALL WELL ANY LONGER). Discuss.
In a free agent market with limited hitting, we signed Jason Bay after he hit 36 HR’s and 119 RBI’s.
In an offseason where the Mets had dozens upon dozens of personnel matters to discuss, they signed this one guy because, HEY! You've heard of him right??? Great! He used to play for the Red Sox!!! You've heard of them, right??? GREAT! Well come on down, buy a ticket and see THAT GUY YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT USED TO PLAY FOR THAT WELL KNOWN TEAM!!!

Collective Mets fans with brains: Um...sirs? What about the rotation going into--
The Wilpon’s [sic] also hired Willie Randolph as skipper. Randolph, who by himself, has more championship rings then the entire Mets roster.
Yea, how'd that work out for them? And I'll be brief about it but PLEASE shut the FUCK up with this rings bullshit. He won them as a player, not a manager so putting that in there means NOTHING. Also, this writer presumably thinks that David Eckstein was a superior player (is? Does he still play? idunno) to Alex Rodriguez, because Ecky's got more rings. KISS THE RINGS, BITCH!
And lets not forget the fact that they gave us fans a brand new stadium to call home.
Which taxpayers chipped in around $175 million to build. But hey, it sure is nice that the tickets and food are so reasonably priced!!! Oh hey wait...
Despite all of these moves, acquisitions, free agent signings, despite the fact our payroll has increased close to 50% in 5 years, what has it gotten us? One–ONE–division title!!!
Hmmmmm now why, oh, why could that be? Was it perhaps that the moves, acquisitions and blah blah blah were more to project an image of "wanting to win" and having a "quality product" than to actually have a fucking winning product? I wonder whose fault that might be...
Oh I know! Jerry Manuel!

Hmmmm....who hired Jerry again? Oh I know, Omar Minaya!!!!

Hmmm...who hired Omar again?


I know.

Like our first car, I wonder if and when the Wilpon’s may decide to stop throwing good money after bad and try something new, something different.
Like my first car, your post was busted and shitty.

Monday, August 23, 2010

King Hippo to Abdicate Throne.

Speaking of headlines that are more than a shade fucked up, check out this one, followed by the first sentence of the article...

Doctors to operate on 'Hippo Man'

Surgeons have agreed to operate on a man - cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man - to remove a giant tumour from his nose.

Ok, so this poor bastard is cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man. But this does not stop them from calling him Hippo Man in the fucking title of the article. So let's press on, shall we?

Fei Jianjun, 41, spends most of his time inside his home in Maxiang village, Jilin province, China, as his appearance frightens his neighbours.

Superstitious villagers believe they will fall ill if they look at him, reports the City Evening Post newspaper.

While parents discipline their children by threatening to take them to meet him if they misbehave.

"I try my best not to go out, as my family is too poor to compensate others if I scare them and make them sick," said Fei.

Holy. Shit. Where is Maxiang and how soon can we blow it up? His family is too poor to compensate others if he scares them and makes them sick. What is the proper compensation in this situation. "Fei, my poor mother saw you at the grocery store and immediately vomited and wanted to stab her eyes out, so you owe me 50$." Is that enough? I have no clue.

Also, that the guy is aware that his existence is used by parents to frighten their children. How has he not killed himself?

His condition began as a small bump on the end of his nose nearly a year ago - but it now covers so much of his face that his eyes have been pushed onto the side of his head.

His father took him to a hospital in Jilin city where doctors diagnosed him as suffering from a cancerous tumour.

Surgeons have now agreed to operate for nothing as the family are so poor they have had to take on odd jobs to buy painkillers for Fei.

Jesus. I feel awful for this guy. Is there a place to donate money for him? I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, but I'd link to it so you could.

Alright, it's picture time. Are you ready?

you sure?

last chance


Moral of this story is if you have a tiny bump at the end of your nose, or anywhere else for that matter, go to a doctor.

But seriously, then what? He's Hippo Man, and shunned in his village. What happens after he's fine? Does he get the money back he had to pay families that he scared and sickened? And now who are they going to scare the children into fearing to get them to behave if there's no more Hippo Man? Man Man?

If I Seem to Have Died, Please Don't Take Me to A Mexican Coroner

It's been a while, I sort of forget how to to do this. Anyway,

Holy farts.

Mexico Baby declared dead revives inside coffin

Off to a great start for a number of reasons. "Mexico Baby"? I'm no word-make-y type guy, but shouldn't that say "Mexican Baby"? Secondly, why am I focused on that when the rest of the headline is about Mexico Baby going zombie at its own wake?

So instead of one less movie-ruining Mexican baby,
Brian Posehn - Mexican Babies
Big LakeA New Comedy from Will Ferrell and Adam McKayIt's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

you've now got one of these:

Hidalgo state Attorney General Jose Rodriguez says the parents heard a strange noise coming from the tiny casket. Opening it up, they found her crying and very much alive.

Rodriguez told state public radio Thursday that the doctor who pronounced the girl dead at a hospital in the town of Tulancingo is being investigated for possible negligence.

The baby, who was born prematurely Monday, is in stable condition at a different hospital.

What do you suppose is the first thought running through one's mind, while at your own newborn's wake, when you hear "strange noises" coming from the coffin? Horror? Christ, thinking about that is terrifying.

Also, would any jury in the world convict the guy if immediately upon seeing the kid was alive, he went and found the doctor who pronounced the kid dead and strangled him to death?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Did you miss me? You missed me.

Let's forgo the niceties. Let's just fucking dance.

Mets must let Reyes play on first day

Before we begin, a few yes/no questions for you:

1. Are you unaware that a baseball season consists of more than just 1 game? (specifically, 161 games more than just 1 game?)

2. Have you (intentionally or otherwise) completely ignored the past three seasons of New York Metropolitans baseball?

3. Are you a complete fucking idiot?

If you answered "yes" to all three, there's a good chance you're Kevin Kernan, writer for the New York Post, and you happened upon our lovely little blog while Googling yourself. There's an even better chance that I'm about to violate every orifice of your shitty little article.
The Mets are trying to find all kinds of reasons to keep Jose Reyes out of the Opening Day lineup
What Kay Kay neglects to mention (can I call you Kay Kay? I think I can call you Kay Kay.) is that the Mets haven't really been looking all too hard to find these reasons. Jose Reyes missed almost all of last season with an injury to his leg. Then, he had thyroid problems, which meant he had to be completely idle for three weeks. Completely. Idle. Like,For three weeks. Now, going fromtotakes a little warming up. Especially if one is trying not to re-injure one's leg, which, as we've just covered, kept one out of baseball for most of 2009.
They say they’re trying to protect the shortstop from hurting himself by keeping him from coming back too quickly.
Because he's coming back from injury.

And he was just fucking STATIONARY for three weeks.

And, while having Jose Reyes around on Opening Day would be nice, having him healthy for the entire season would be considerably fucking nicer.
And, of course, you know how cold it is in April in New York. There are three night games after Opening Day, and that first road trip takes the Mets to Colorado, which could create problems.
Shit, I didn't even consider that. You're right, there are even more reasons to be careful with him than I've considered!
Absolutely none of that should matter.
You're a Yankees fan, aren't you?

Listen: I get it. Reyes makes the Mets a better team and--
The bottom line is that Reyes makes the Mets a better team
Yea, dickwad I just said that, but we're talking about--
and if he continues to impress the way he did yesterday during his first time facing live pitching [Dude, that was batting practice -Ed.], he should get the green light to play on Monday.
Read your own fucking sentence again, Kay Kay: during his first [FUCKING -Ed.] time facing live [FUCKING -Ed.] pitching. On the sample size of "1" you're going to declare an oft-injured KEY part of the Mets ready to play?
No questions asked.
I have roughly 75,000 questions to ask RE: that (although to be fair, the majority of those questions are some variation of what the fuck is wrong with you, Kay Kay?)
His spot in the lineup would give the Mets an immediate Opening Day lift against the Marlins and Josh Johnson. And maybe you haven’t heard, but the Mets could use an emotional lift. So could their suffering fans.
Maybe you haven't heard, dick-shiner, but in 2009, roughly 160% of the team's Opening Day roster missed significant playing time because of injuries. Like, literally, if you ask the average Mets fan what they hope for this season, you're likely to get a response along the lines of "I just hope they fuckin' stay healthy." It is extremely fucking unlikely you get a response along the lines of "I hope to see Reyes leg out a triple on Opening Day, and after that I couldn't give a fuck."
Reyes’ appearance would rev up the home crowd
It's Opening Day. Opening Day will rev the crowd up for Opening Day.
[Playing on Opening Day] would give Reyes the chance to wipe away the curse of a season that was 2009.
It also gives him the chance to re-injure himself ON DAY FUCKING ONE because he rushed himself to get back. And also, "the curse" of 2009 you're talking about was almost completely due to INJURIES. Which the Mets are at least trying to avoid.

Even if Reyes is overmatched by Johnson, he won’t be alone — but perhaps Reyes will have a good day and so will the Mets.
So...if Jose Reyes plays poorly, it's likely that at least one of his teammates will also play on the other hand, he may play well, and his teammates may also play well. So...there's that.
The fact Reyes has overcome so much since last May 20 and this spring’s thyroid scare, being in the lineup would give him the kind of lift that could carry him all summer. It would be a triumph for the baseball soul.
That's just gay. MOVING ON!
Again, this is not about pushing a player who is not healthy.
No, it's about pushing a player who we're not sure if they are completely healthy or not, which is a stupid idea.
I’ve watched Reyes closely the last three days,
I like to imagine Kevin Kernan squatting uncomfortably close to the field and batting cages and staring intently at Jose Reyes for hours on end without blinking.
and other than needing to pick up some bat speed
How could one quickly do this...OH THAT'S RIGHT by playing a few minor league games where they don't have to bat in order so that Jose can lead off every inning and get twice the amount of at-bats he would in a regular game, all while NOT HURTING THE TEAM as he "picks up his bat speed."

Now comes the line in the article which made me write this post. It's...I...ok, no preface. Just
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day. can you
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.
Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.


Broseph Goebbels.

If there is one thing, ONE THING that playing Opening Day isn't about, it's the big picture. And yes, you fuckheaded fuckhead, playing Opening Day is, objectively, self-fucking-evidently, about one fucking day, specifically: Opening Day.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the Opening Day Roster (4/6/09) for the New York Mets, 2009!
1. Jose Reyes, SS
2. Daniel Murphy, LF
3. David Wright, 3B
4. Carlos Delgado, 1B
5. Carlos Beltran, CF
6. Ryan Church, RF
7. Brian Schneider, C
8. Luis Castillo, 2B
9. Johan Santana, P
WOOHOOALRIGHT!!! Now, the roster eight weeks later!!!
1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Emil Brown, RF
3. Carlos Beltran, CF
4. Garry Sheffield, LF
5. David Wright, 3B
6. Fernando Tatis, 1B
7. Omir Santos, C
8. Wilson Valdez, SS
9. John Maine, P
woo. The roster eight weeks after this?
1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Luis Castillo's 13 year old daughter, Helena, RF
3. The headless body of David Wright, 3B
4. A wax statue of Samuel L. Jackson (on loan from Madame Tussaud's), 1B
5. Jerry Manuel's grandpa Jimmy Manuel (1914 - 2007), CF
6. Berbalerbs, SS (No, really. I had a .087/.100/.114 clip for the month of August, good enough for Mets Offensive Player of the Month)
7. A small mass of David Eckstein's cells that were cloned and cultivated in a lab in East Orange, NJ, RF
8. A stepladder, C
9. Johan Santana, P
Wow, I'm sure glad the tone the team set last year on Opening Day carried them the entire year!!!

This would usually be the point where I calm down for 5 to 10 seconds and concede that I know the writer didn't literally mean this, he was implying blah blah blah, but FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not sure how someone can be stupid enough to write something like that and yet smart enough to use a computer.

Alright...let's wrap up the retardation.
To expect Reyes to come back with perfect timing is expecting too much. In fact, it might be better to bring him back with that built-in excuse.
Look guys, he's gonna suck for a while, but we have to focus on the important stuff: he's doing all his little handshakes on Opening Day!
Just having Jose Reyes in the lineup makes the Mets winners on Opening Day.
Drown yourself, Kay Kay.