If that title sounds stupid and confusing, it is because of two things: my inability to write well, and the fact that this story is completely bats.
Two German entertainers will use hundreds of Playmobil men to re-enact the history of Germany from 1949 until 1990 on live television, a spokeswoman for the production company said on Thursday.
Ok. That's more than a little odd... So these guys will be reenacting history? Also - live television? So you're going to have to like, watch some asshole playing with these things? It's not like stop-motion animation or something? Holy crow is that stupid. I'll just let you continue here for a second...
The re-enactment is based on a 500-page book by German historian, Hans-Ulrich Wehler and will be aired on Thursday night on public channel ARD, said the spokeswoman for Bonito TV.
At no point do they mention Hans' reaction to this. Or whether or not this was all run by him and ok'd. Because like imagine being a historian - a respectable job, and then being approached to license your book into a television program. Exciting, right? Then later you find out that what they meant was a television program in which Playmobil men reenact scenes from the book. I have to imagine the sentiment felt after that second bit varies greatly from that first bit. I wouldn't know though, all my books were licensed into movies...by me.
"We want to show that today's television still has something to do with culture," comedian Harald Schmidt told German daily newspaper Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung
Couple of things here. First, a comedian said that. You don't think maybe he was joking? In a sentence stating that playmobil men reenacting history on television has something to do with culture? Secondly, tee hee...Frankfurter.
Schmidt is known for havingreenactedd other episodes of history, including the first moon landing, in the past using Playmobil figures which are less than 10 centimetres tall.
You know who else is known for having reenacted other episodes of history with playmobil men? Children.
But this show will be more of a challenge than any of the previous ones, mainly because of the complicated plot and the number of toy figures involved, he told the paper.
To which someone should have responded, "Well it's kind of a stupid idea to begin with, no?" Playmobil toys are meant to be played with by yourself in your room so you can make them do stuff not fit for live television. Like swear and have playmosex. Plus it's more fun to play with those toys and fuck with history, not portray it accurately. Make a toy save JFK in Dallas, make the astronauts have to fight a monster on the moon. Make some huge political leader have sex with various animals and zombies or something, I don't know, they're your toys, do what you want. I don't care, I can't even read, I'm a cat.
If all the figures were lined up next to each other, they would span a distance of over 12 metres, said FAZ.
That's a lot of toys! Oh wait, I mean... Who cares?
Rehearsals have been going on for weeks for the performance which is planned to last for just fifteen minutes.
Only 15 minutes?! I was expecting a like, full length feature! How do you cover like 40 years of German history in 15 minutes -oh right! with... playmobil... toys? More importantly, several people have had to answer the question "So what have you been up to?" By answering, "Rehearsing for my Playmobil history show, in which I will be playing with Playmobil men on live television." And thus obviously scoring tons of ass.
Friday, October 31, 2008
But I Rearry Rearry Ruv Her!!!
In an effort to do little other than get the pic of chocolate ice cream poo off the top of the 'Mauf, here's a report about a Japanese man who wants to marry a cartoon character. I promise to put in as many pics of scantily clad super-babes and as much racism toward Asisans as I possibly can.
I'd like to chop her suey, huh? HUH?A JAPANESE man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world".
I'd like to address something I think has been missing in the hard-hitting analysis (hehe that word has "anal" and "sis" in it heh, heh, hehehehehe) here at the 'Mauf (hehehe, I've been doing "anal" with your "sis" hehehehehehehehehe), and it's this: whenever someone asks for something this fuck-tarded, (say they want to marry a pinapple or help a 2 year old get their drink on) why are they always humored?!? I feel like the conversation should go like this:
SushiForOne: Hey I want to marry a fictional comic book character!
GuyInCharge: No. That's fucking stupid.
SushiForOne: I'm going to get a petition that says you should let me!
GuyInCharge: Spoiler Alert: I'm going to rip up said petition the moment you hand it to me.
SushiForOne: Hm. Maybe I'll think of something less fuck-tarded to do today, then.
GuyInCharge: Yes, why don't you try that, it'd be lovely.
But noooooooooooooooooo...
Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters.Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures through.This should probably let you know that your idea is not particularly a good one. A nation of roughly 700 trillion people, and you get 1,000 people who think you're not a complete taintlicker over the span of an entire week. And this is the internet we're talking about, folks! You can put makeup on and cry in front of a bed sheet and get a million people to peep your shit in like, 5 minutes!
"I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world," he wrote.Great. That's...that's just great. You know, I'd love to be the "New Putty Cat Tester" at the Playboy Mansion, but it ain't happening. And my thing is actually a physical possibility in reality...you know, where your dumb ass LIVES?
"However, that seems impossible with present-day technology."PRESENT DAY TECHNOLOGY?!? As in, you believe one day science will bless us with a machine that turns people into drawings? Oh wait...we actually have a machine in place that does JUST that!!! It's called a fucking pencil. You imbecile.
Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?"Why the fuck do you need it to be legal??? I mean, does BatGirl have a better health insurance policy than you??? I'm pretty sure if you're on your death bed you can have a copy of the Dark Phoenix Saga and they won't give you much guff.
Me Ruv You RONG Time!!!Well what Mr. MushiMushiWalkieTalkie's followers lack in number, they more than make up for in utter pathetic-ness. "For a long time I have only been able to fall in love with two-dimensional people and currently I have someone I really love," one person wrote.Right, is that because two-dimensional people are the only kind of people who will stay in the same room with you for more than 10 seconds? That's like saying "I seem to only fall for porn stars I whack off to at 3 AM" and trying to blame it on girls I meet for not being more like internet porn sluts.
...Acutally, I do do that. (hehe, doodoo)
**Searches for Asian Stereotype** Um...uh.....Hiiii-YAAAA? In conclusion:
WooooOOOoooOOOooow...I don't know whether to fuck her or eat her! Also I'm very good at math.
Things You Didn't Know About: Buckaroo Bonzai !
Thanks IMDB!
When it came time to film the end titles sequence, where Buckaroo and pals are walking around a dry L.A. aqueduct in step to the music, the music wasn't ready. Composer 'Michael Boddicker' told the film crew to use "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel as a placeholder because it was the exact same tempo. Those scenes were filmed with "Uptown Girl" blaring from a boom box tied to the back of the camera truck.
Overall concept and several names appear to be taken from the Doc Savage pulp magazines of the 30's and 40's: both main characters are multi-talented surgeons, adventurers, and musicians; and both have an inner circle of sidekicks with nicknames (Renny, Ham, Monk, Long Tom, and Johnny, compared to Reno, New Jersey, Gay Herman, Slimey Tony, No-Dong Steve, Perfect Tommy, and Rawhide).
Jamie Lee Curtis played Buckaroo's mother in a flashback, but this scene was cut. The scene is available on the recent DVD release as an optional prequel to the theatrical version, and as a special feature. Jamie Lee Curtis is visible in a photo on the dashboard of the jet car in the wide-screen version. While on set, Jamie Lee raped and killed 3 men.
The latitude and longitude recited by the technicians during the "alignment" of the Oscillation Overthruster are the coordinates of Cape Canaveral, Florida, which is home to that NASA dealie!
The "oscillation overthruster" device reappeared as a "spectral analyzer" in the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987) episode "Pen Pals" where Jean-Luc Picard befriends a serial murdering Klingon named Unga by way of the Space Jails Pen Pals program. The two fall in love and the episode closes with some seriously graphic sex scenes.
The US DVD release includes a caption portion entitled "Pinky Caruthers' Unknown Facts", which actually adds to the storyline and character development of the film.
The "jet car" shown in the film (reportedly a 1982 Ford F-350 pick-up truck) included an actual Cold War-era General Electric turbo jet engine that was borrowed from Northrop University in Inglewood, California. It was never returned, resulting in the highly publicised Northrop/GE prankwars that ended with 7 dead prostitutes.
The end of the movie invites the viewer to watch for the upcoming film "Buckaroo Banzai vs. The World Crime League". This was the real title for a sequel that Sherwood Studios planned to make if this film had been successful. Unfortunately, it was a box-office bomb, and Sherwood Studios went bankrupt. After its release on video and cable, however, BB became a cult favorite, much in the same way as Mad Max (1979) (which crawled from obscurity to spawn two sequels).
Legal wranglings due to the bankruptcy prevented any other studios from picking up the sequel rights, and even years later MGM had to fight through a pile of red tape simply to get the OK to release it on DVD. Which fucking thank God it finally did, right?
Some of the dialogue used in the Jet Car sequence is taken directly from Mission Control chatter heard during a shuttle launch countdown and some of the dialogue is taken directly from the film Ass Ventura: Smut Detective.
In the original script, Buckaroo was supposed to have an arch enemy named Hanoi Xan, who was never seen but referenced to by Buckaroo and the other characters. All scenes containing dialogue regarding Xan were deleted from the film's theatrical release but are now available on DVD. Xan was supposed to be the mysterious head of a crime syndicate called the World Crime League and also the man who murdered Buckaroo's parents and wife Peggy by way of hiding under their cars and slitting their ankles. Rather than think of a less retarded way to murder people, they just cut the scenes all together.
During the jetcar test, the computer screen that has the graphics shows six different words: SINED, SEELED, DELIVERED, PUNCHED, COCK-CLOCKED, and TOOTHPASTE.
Lord John Whorfin's line, "Character is what you are in the dark," is a quote from the 19th Century evangelist Dwight L. Moody. His other notable line, "Dick'll make you slap somebody" is a from Revelations.
Many names and terms were taken from Thomas Pynchon's book "The Crying of Lot 49", most notably the company name Yoyodyne. To this day, there is a yoyodyne.com, which serves as a fan site for the film. "Yoyodyne" itself was Pynchon's thinly veiled reference to Rocketdyne, a major defense industry contractor and manufacturer of rocket engines, founded just after WW II to reverse-engineer German V-2 rockets -- thereby also making this a further veiled reference to Pynchon's novel ‘Gravity's Rainbow’. References to other notable books: Presence of bricks in one scene a clear reference to The Monster at the End of This Book.
When John Whorfin calls collect for John Bigboote, he tells the operator he is calling "Some fucking cockstain in Grovers Mill." Grovers Mill was a real-life nudist community in New Jersey which was used in Orson Welles' famous radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" and is now a part of West Windsor Township in Mercer county.
The kanji lettering on Buckaroo Banzai's headband as he drives the jet car reads "seikatsu bei" ("the joy of murdering kittens").
When it came time to film the end titles sequence, where Buckaroo and pals are walking around a dry L.A. aqueduct in step to the music, the music wasn't ready. Composer 'Michael Boddicker' told the film crew to use "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel as a placeholder because it was the exact same tempo. Those scenes were filmed with "Uptown Girl" blaring from a boom box tied to the back of the camera truck.
Overall concept and several names appear to be taken from the Doc Savage pulp magazines of the 30's and 40's: both main characters are multi-talented surgeons, adventurers, and musicians; and both have an inner circle of sidekicks with nicknames (Renny, Ham, Monk, Long Tom, and Johnny, compared to Reno, New Jersey, Gay Herman, Slimey Tony, No-Dong Steve, Perfect Tommy, and Rawhide).
Jamie Lee Curtis played Buckaroo's mother in a flashback, but this scene was cut. The scene is available on the recent DVD release as an optional prequel to the theatrical version, and as a special feature. Jamie Lee Curtis is visible in a photo on the dashboard of the jet car in the wide-screen version. While on set, Jamie Lee raped and killed 3 men.
The latitude and longitude recited by the technicians during the "alignment" of the Oscillation Overthruster are the coordinates of Cape Canaveral, Florida, which is home to that NASA dealie!
The "oscillation overthruster" device reappeared as a "spectral analyzer" in the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987) episode "Pen Pals" where Jean-Luc Picard befriends a serial murdering Klingon named Unga by way of the Space Jails Pen Pals program. The two fall in love and the episode closes with some seriously graphic sex scenes.
The US DVD release includes a caption portion entitled "Pinky Caruthers' Unknown Facts", which actually adds to the storyline and character development of the film.
The "jet car" shown in the film (reportedly a 1982 Ford F-350 pick-up truck) included an actual Cold War-era General Electric turbo jet engine that was borrowed from Northrop University in Inglewood, California. It was never returned, resulting in the highly publicised Northrop/GE prankwars that ended with 7 dead prostitutes.
The end of the movie invites the viewer to watch for the upcoming film "Buckaroo Banzai vs. The World Crime League". This was the real title for a sequel that Sherwood Studios planned to make if this film had been successful. Unfortunately, it was a box-office bomb, and Sherwood Studios went bankrupt. After its release on video and cable, however, BB became a cult favorite, much in the same way as Mad Max (1979) (which crawled from obscurity to spawn two sequels).
Legal wranglings due to the bankruptcy prevented any other studios from picking up the sequel rights, and even years later MGM had to fight through a pile of red tape simply to get the OK to release it on DVD. Which fucking thank God it finally did, right?
Some of the dialogue used in the Jet Car sequence is taken directly from Mission Control chatter heard during a shuttle launch countdown and some of the dialogue is taken directly from the film Ass Ventura: Smut Detective.
In the original script, Buckaroo was supposed to have an arch enemy named Hanoi Xan, who was never seen but referenced to by Buckaroo and the other characters. All scenes containing dialogue regarding Xan were deleted from the film's theatrical release but are now available on DVD. Xan was supposed to be the mysterious head of a crime syndicate called the World Crime League and also the man who murdered Buckaroo's parents and wife Peggy by way of hiding under their cars and slitting their ankles. Rather than think of a less retarded way to murder people, they just cut the scenes all together.
During the jetcar test, the computer screen that has the graphics shows six different words: SINED, SEELED, DELIVERED, PUNCHED, COCK-CLOCKED, and TOOTHPASTE.
Lord John Whorfin's line, "Character is what you are in the dark," is a quote from the 19th Century evangelist Dwight L. Moody. His other notable line, "Dick'll make you slap somebody" is a from Revelations.
Many names and terms were taken from Thomas Pynchon's book "The Crying of Lot 49", most notably the company name Yoyodyne. To this day, there is a yoyodyne.com, which serves as a fan site for the film. "Yoyodyne" itself was Pynchon's thinly veiled reference to Rocketdyne, a major defense industry contractor and manufacturer of rocket engines, founded just after WW II to reverse-engineer German V-2 rockets -- thereby also making this a further veiled reference to Pynchon's novel ‘Gravity's Rainbow’. References to other notable books: Presence of bricks in one scene a clear reference to The Monster at the End of This Book.
When John Whorfin calls collect for John Bigboote, he tells the operator he is calling "Some fucking cockstain in Grovers Mill." Grovers Mill was a real-life nudist community in New Jersey which was used in Orson Welles' famous radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" and is now a part of West Windsor Township in Mercer county.
The kanji lettering on Buckaroo Banzai's headband as he drives the jet car reads "seikatsu bei" ("the joy of murdering kittens").
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Baskin Robbins Ponders Adding Flavor 32: Poo!
You don't know the half of it, picture.
A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.
Ok. I really didn't want to write this because it's so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch myself in the dick but the whole time I read this article, in my head, all I heard was: Domo arigato for this gelato. I'll show myself out, thanks. Anyway, could you imagine serving someone your shit for complaining about noise? I guess that's what you get when you found a continent by filling it with felons.
State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa fucking hold on a minute. Frozen poo? So this was a turd they had in the freezer, for just such an occasion? And no shit [sorry] she got sick after eating it. It was poo! I love the descriptor "violently" while talking about illness. It makes me imagine her simultaneously projectile vomiting and projectile diarrhea-ing and like, knocking people over with the power of the streams. This in turn makes me hungry, which reminds me that it's almost lunch time. Hurray! And if you're the husband, how do you not just like immediately go on a killing spree? They just made your wife eat their shit! I think in situations like this murder is not only justifiable as revenge but also necessary.
"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin," Jessica Whyte told the Daily Telegraph newspaper, recounting what local media are calling "gelati-gate."
Can we please stop calling every fucking controversy "something-gate"? It doesn't make any fucking sense! The name of the goddamn hotel was Watergate. It didn't have anything to do with water? When did this start anyway? It makes me fucking furious. So please stop or I will be forced to continue to sit here being pissed off. And no one wants that, do they? [looks furiously at kewpie dolls on desk while shaking fist] And if you're going to have to call this "something-gate", why would you go with gelati-gate and not like "poo-gate" or like "fro-turd-gate"?
The pub has denied serving excrement to the Whyte's after they complained they were unable to hear a televised football game due to loud music, with both the chef and restaurant manager volunteering for DNA tests to prove their innocence.
...
What? DNA tests? Can you do that with poo? Also like how would that prove their innocence? They could have gotten the poo from anywhere and froze it. Some random person could have left a floater and they could have pulled it out and froze it. Your defense is FLAWED sirs! FLAWED!!!
Macdonald said DNA analysis would now be done to determine if the sample was of human or animal origin as police and food authorities investigate the case.
Why does it matter what kind of shit was in the gelato? Isn't that kind of beside the point? My bet is that this Ian Macdonald character wants any reason he can to play with shit. Kinky bastard.
"Obviously, we are keeping an open mind and do not want to pre-empt this investigation in any manner," he said.
Oh ok, so he's decided to just say things. Regardless of whether or not they actually mean anything or don't make any sense whatsoever. Awesome. My kind of guy. Not like that. I mean... shut up!
The eastern Sydney hotel is standing by staff and on Tuesday said its own lab tests on the chocolate gelato tub had found no evidence of contamination.
Like I said earlier, this logic and line of defense is so stupid and flawed its almost not worth addressing. Almost. Just because you found no evidence of poo in the fucking chocolate gelato tub doesn't mean there wasn't frozen poo in their freezer and they didn't put it in this one lady's cup you stupid roofuckers! That's it, I'm done!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Forkin' Awesome!
Hi. I'm Fredrick McKaney. I am a soldier. I am a ninja. My methods are unorthodox, and my weapons even less orthodox. Meet Tiney (When you see his picture you will understand that I am also a wordninja):
And now I'd like to introduce you to Iron Mike:
And here's my ninja whips:
I use Tiney for stabbin', and Iron Mike for beatin. And I use Pinky, pretty obviously I guess, to get from point A to point C. Point C because I'm ridin' that shit so fast I done knocked over point B and gave each hump a squeeze like they were a pair o' tit-tays! Vroom Vroom bitch!
A man accused of stabbing his mother with a fork and attacking a second woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken has pleaded guilty to one count of felonious assault. Frederick McKaney, 40, entered the plea Friday in Jackson County Circuit Court. Prosecutors dropped additional assault, larceny and other charges.
They forget to mention I also plead guilty to being totally fucking rad and incredibly well endowed...AND failed to mention that I'm a black belt in forkrate, the art of using the fork as a weapon for stabbing and violent acts similar to stabbing.
Prosecutors said McKaney stabbed his mother with a fork June 23 and later exchanged words with another woman as he rode a stolen bicycle. They said he hit her in the head with a plastic bag of frozen chicken, opening a wound that required five surgical staples to close.
Yes I introduced my mom to Tiney. She asked! She didn't ask to meet him, per se. But she did ask some stupid question and it pissed me off! So I stabbed the bitch! As for Iron Mike, bitch asked me to give her some chicken, she didn't ask me to prepare it for her and serve it to her like a meal! I was just delivering it straight to her skull! And sure maybe I borrowed Pinky from my sister's daughter, but I was going to give it back! Shit. A man can't borrow a bicycle?
McKaney will be sentenced Dec. 11. He faces up to four years in prison and a $2,000 fine.
Don't think so! Ninja stealth mode. Activate!
[disappears in cloud of smoke]
Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Reason 1,453,058,839,232,983 Women Shouldn't be Able to Vote
I just thought I'd point out that this is not only a story MSNBC decided to subject its readers to yesterday, for most of the day, it was their TOP STORY.So, on a newsday where an Oscar-winning actress has been subject to some truly terrible shit, where the World Series could've ended with the losingest team in sports history taking the World Championship, and with two presidential candidates sprinting across America to gain votes in an extremely close election, the ThinkTank over at MSNBC has decided that this is the big story of the day:
"Mothers and Daughters Occaisionally Disagree When Voting for President"
That's right. MSNBR (the "R" stands for "Fucking Moronic Idiot-Ass Retards") has decided that the fact that occaisionally people disagree on politics despite the fact that one of those people came out of the other one's vagina was newsworthy.
You're wondering: Well Brent, if it's so un-newsworthy, why are you about to write about it?
My reply: Shut your whoring mouth before I'm forced to stuff something in it, if you know what I mean.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Karen and
My penis. Is what I was referencing earlier. When I said that bit about stuffing something into your mouth. Anyway,
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Really? This might just be the most inconsequential article written since EVER and you begin it with a melodramatic movie trailer-esque sentence like that? MSNBC writer Melissa Dahl, you are NO Courtney Hazlett, and you never will be.
Oh yea...report the SHIT outta that non-story...
Karen and Kristen Ingraham, who’ve always been more BFF than mother and daughter, were united in their rabid support of Sen. Hillary Clinton.
OMG BFF LMFAO :)))))))!!!!!111!!!! Kill yourself.
Oh and if you're a mom who's more "BFF" than mother to your daughter, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You're a bad parent. I will give points to Melissa for describing their support for Senator Clinton as "rabid." Why?
Woof.
"Since Kristen was born, it's always been ‘Just you and me, kid.’ She finishes my sentences,” says single mom Karen Ingraham
NoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCares. No. One. Cares.
“We've never had an argument about anything important — maybe about a $100 dollar pair of blue jeans."
A pair of pants would be considered an "important" mother-daughter issue?
"It's just shocking."
No. It's not. NoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCares.
For mothers and daughters, fights over the political often feel very personal,
Mostly because women are stupid and can't partake in a debate without feeling like they're being insulted because the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM AND THEY HAVE TO GO OUT EVERY TUESDAY BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING GIRLS NIGHT AND MEANWHILE I'M HOME EATING A GODDAMNED PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH FOR DINNER AND JACKING OFF TO SCRAMBLED SOFT PORN BECAUSE WHILE WE CAN BUY FUCKING $250 SHOES WE "CAN'T AFFORD" HBO.
In a related story, I'm not bitter.
Ok so this is where the true idiocy of this article rears it's ugly (and fat) head. Not only did they decide to write an article with no actual relevance to anything at all whatsoever at all whatsoever, they decided that a good source for quotes would be literally the stupidest mother-daughter combination that the world hath ever bore. Take it away ladies:
"It's kind of depressing, because she says things that zing," mother Karen Ingraham says.
"She also puts rings on things and wings on kings WOOOOOO!!!" Sorry.
She says, ‘Every time I look at (McCain), all I see is old. He's just old, mom.’
That is mama's idea of zing? "And that Governor Palin! Her gender is female! AND she wears glasses! That means she has vision problems, MOM!!!"
I go, "well, I'm getting old!”
WELL THEN YOU FUCKING SUCK TOO, MOM!!!
It’s arguments like that that make her 26-year-old daughter want to scream. “It's almost like, you know, she's being tricked!”
No, like, I don't, like, know, Miss Piggy. Mind explaining?
“And you want to point it out to her — you want to shake her and say, 'You're falling for it!' — but you can't say that, 'cause it's your mother!"
This is actually kind of refreshing. I don't know many completely F-tardedly ignorant Obama supporters. I'd email this to some of my conservative friends to piss them off if I didn't categorically hate everyone who has so much as one single conservative ideal.
“She used to be really good at seeing both sides — but that's probably because we've always been on the same side," Karen Ingraham says.
God I wish they had some sort of stenographer present at interviews like these, just so this bitch could really appreciate how fucking stupid she just sounded.
Alright, there are like 3 other mom and daughter pairings in the article, but this shit is getting exhausting.
WHO WANTS BOOBIES?!?
Monday, October 27, 2008
You Can't Arrest Me! I Was Just An Inebriated Urolagnian!
Look. A lot of nasty things are being said about me right now. Accusations about things done to piss off friends.
A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said.
No. No no no no. Well. Yes. But not like that. Yes I tried to have sex with my roommate. And yes I urinated on her dog. But it wasn't like I was pissed -heh- at her. I was upset. I got hammered, ended up fucking the dog. What can I say, I was an inebriated urolagnian! You can't arrest me for that shit! Wait. What? Fuck. Whatever. You think I meant to do that shit? How many times have you been at the bar, blind drunk, and taken home some dog? I just went the literal route with that shit bro!
Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.
Phew. Thank God the dog can't talk and tell them about the other stuff we did. Not bad, by the way. I know you were wondering.
According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.
Wrong! We argued then when she rejected me I went and got shitty. Super shitty. Hence the thing with the dog. And yes we got some on the floor. It's not like I've got super aim and the dog has like fucking super-absorbent fur that puts bounty to shame or something. Haven't I been punished enough? This is how my morning went:
Oh shit. Man I am hungOVER. Let me tell you right now, I don't even know what went on last night. Man that girl was good, whoever she was. heh. Fuck Melanie. Or rather who cares that I didn't fuck Melanie. Or whatever. Christ I need some alka seltzer. Let's get a look at this broad.
[turns over in bed to peer at partner]
A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said.
No. No no no no. Well. Yes. But not like that. Yes I tried to have sex with my roommate. And yes I urinated on her dog. But it wasn't like I was pissed -heh- at her. I was upset. I got hammered, ended up fucking the dog. What can I say, I was an inebriated urolagnian! You can't arrest me for that shit! Wait. What? Fuck. Whatever. You think I meant to do that shit? How many times have you been at the bar, blind drunk, and taken home some dog? I just went the literal route with that shit bro!
Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.
Phew. Thank God the dog can't talk and tell them about the other stuff we did. Not bad, by the way. I know you were wondering.
According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.
Wrong! We argued then when she rejected me I went and got shitty. Super shitty. Hence the thing with the dog. And yes we got some on the floor. It's not like I've got super aim and the dog has like fucking super-absorbent fur that puts bounty to shame or something. Haven't I been punished enough? This is how my morning went:
Oh shit. Man I am hungOVER. Let me tell you right now, I don't even know what went on last night. Man that girl was good, whoever she was. heh. Fuck Melanie. Or rather who cares that I didn't fuck Melanie. Or whatever. Christ I need some alka seltzer. Let's get a look at this broad.
[turns over in bed to peer at partner]
Oh. Fuck. Shit. What do I do? I don't have and dog food! Hey Miffy. You up for it again?
Friday, October 24, 2008
You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa!
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopmas! Soon I'll be coming to a Super Market near you to spread Shopmas Cheer! Hopefully I won't have any more "incidents".
It wasn't unusual that the burglary suspect caught in northern England wasn't wearing a mask.
Oh Ho Ho Ho! I was not robbing the fine folks of Pemberton! I'm naked Super Market Santa! I was coming to deliver gifts my naked little elves spent all year making. Naked Transformers, Naked Garbage Pail Kids, Naked My Buddy and the lot.
But in this case he wasn't wearing anything at all. Greater Manchester police say they found the naked man trapped in the chimney of a supermarket in the town of Pemberton around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday.
Yes well what can I say? Children leaving out all those cookies and all that full-fat milk. Santa's needs a whole lot of full-fatt-y milka to wash down those EL Fudges. I sometimes save them and offer them to my elves upon my return as a sort of fucked up joke. They never appreciate it, oh well. Now where was I? Ho Ho Ho! So yes I got stuck in that tiny Pemberton chimney, I'm afraid it doesn't seem to have been designed with the portly in mind.
Police have no idea how the man got into the chimney, but they speculate that some of his clothes may have come off while he struggled to extricate himself.
Ho Ho Ho! I'm afraid my naked reindeer fled the scene. They do hate the sound of sirens so very much. And no speculation is needed about my clothes! All you need to do is ask! Then you may sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Shopmas, as I gently caress the underside of your legs and buttocks with my writhing Shopmas-snake. Then you shall the beauty of this sacred Holiday!
The fire service was called in to free the 22-year-old, who was taken to hospital as a precaution.
22 year old? Ho Ho Ho! You flatter me with your words, but we all know I, Father Naked Shopmas, am far, far older.
The man, not yet identified by police, was later arrested and jailed.
Yes I'm afraid I do not have any identification as such, though I do have a map of the North Pole tattooed on my scrotum! You can't arrest me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa! Boys and girls! Don't let them take me away or your naked build-a-bears and naked Diego the Animal Rescuers shall be homeless! Ho Ho Ho!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Last Dance For Grace Was Probably to 'Back Dat Ass Up'
Pop quiz hot shot. I'm a stripper/whore/escort/whatever. Let's say I get all hammered and then come to your place to party. Then I accuse you of rape. Then let's say it gets proven that I'm pretty much lying about the whole thing and can't keep my story straight and have one of the sketchiest DA's in the history of anything ever and all the charges are dropped. What do you do? What do you do?
A:shoot the hostage Write a memoir avowing that you were, in fact, assaulted!
The woman who North Carolina prosecutors determined falsely accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party maintains in a new memoir that she was attacked.
Here's where I'll jump in to give you all the definition of Libel : "defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures. " Literally cleared of all charges in a court of law, and she is releasing a book claiming they attacked her. Ooooh gurl, you are soooo sued.
Crystal Mangum, who appeared publicly Thursday for the first time since making the allegations more than two years ago, says in her forthcoming book she is not “looking forward to opening old wounds” but that she had to defend herself.
She also goes on to say she will continue to hunt for the real rapists, and plans on releasing a work of fiction next yea, titled "If I Did It: Confessions of a Lying Whore." Good thing she's getting this book out to clear her name. Don't want people to get the wrong impression about her. So like for example don't read her wikipedia page. Well, at least don't read this part:
Mangum had been working part-time for about two months as an escort and stripper for Allure Escort Service, and was also a 27-year-old student at North Carolina Central University. Before arriving at the party that day, she had consumed alcohol and Flexeril and had engaged in sexual intercourse with other clients.
Because that might paint her in a bad light. Also the part about how she and the other stripper got into a fight afterwards because she refused to leave the car, then continued to fight in some store, then she was taken to a mental hospital for evaluation, and only then made her first claim about rape. These things could maybe put a dent in her credibility.
“Even as I try to move on with my life, I still find it necessary to take one more stand and fight,” she writes in the book, “The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story.”
Look. I get that the guys at the party were complete douchetasters. I think it's actually a prerequisite for college lacrosse teams. These fuckers look like they talk without moving their jaws. One of them even went to the same high school as me, and almost everyone that goes there is complete shitstain (myself excluded, obvi). Just look at them:
Thanks, I will...right now! Here's what I make of it: You're trying to make money off your memoir and think that you will sell more copies by stirring up controversy. You will probably succeed, and you will probably still be remembered as the whore who maybe was treated, by complete asscocks, like a whore. I say that without equivocation. You became infamous not because you were raped (you weren't) but because you are an incredibly shitty liar. So fuck you and fuck your book. Obviously rape and sexual assault are awful, brutal and incredibly scarring things. I would normally just avoid this topic at all costs, but I think after everything that came to light in this trial, it became pretty clear that yes, the guys in question were probably pretty shitty people, but they in no way shape or form raped this woman, and you kind of royally fucked them, the way you claim they did to you.
An attorney who defended one of the players in the criminal case quickly denounced Mangum’s remarks, saying her allegation hurt the accused players, the state and all women who have been victims of sexual assault.
“If Crystal Mangum truly wants to heal, get on with her life and have others learn from her experiences, she would admit her lies and the damage they did,” Joseph Cheshire said in an e-mail. “The fact that she will not do that makes all of her motives and self-possessed desire to explain herself another lie. This is about money and lies. Pure and simple.”
Similar to my take on it, except less swearing. But still. Some major pwnage.
Mangum declined to answer specific questions about the details of the case on Thursday, and the publisher of the book said repeatedly “the case is closed” and she accepts the conclusions of state prosecutors.
Except no she fucking doesn't! Remember before when she unequivocally said she was assaulted? And if the publisher believed the case was closed, then why publish the fucking book? And no shit she isn't going to take questions. "How exactly were you assaulted?" "The case is closed. I accept the conclusions of the state prosecutors, but will say that I was definitely assaulted. On that day." "O...K?" But so what did she say, then?
“At this point, it doesn’t really matter,” she said Thursday. “What matters is for people to know my account of what happened and for all of us to learn from it.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? At this point, what doesn't really matter? The case results? And for people to know what happened to you, hasn't it been pretty much proven that you're not exactly the best source to go to for information?
The state’s investigation found there was no DNA or medical evidence, or witness accounts, that confirmed Mangum’s story. The inconsistencies in Mangum’s account, the state found, “were so significant and so contrary to the evidence that the State had no credible evidence that an attack occurred in the house that night.”
So what I want to know is if her book can even be published as non-fiction. I also want to know how a lying whore is now a published author and I'm still toiling away on blogspot. Oh right! I haven't written anything. Or done anything. Or accomplished anything.
The Associated Press had not previously identified Mangum per its policy of not naming people who say they are victims of sexual assault, even after public statements clearing the players. The AP decided to name Mangum once she came out publicly on her own.
Please note the AP never waits to name the alleged rapists. So I guess what I'm saying is if you're ever arrested for a major crime of some sort, and you don't want your mom to find out, tell the coppers you're a rape victim and The AP won't be able to release your name. Hmmm... What would the AP's policy be if I raped myself? Would they asplode?
Mangum’s version of the alleged assault varied in the number of assailants, and whether she was ever assaulted at all. At one point, state prosecutors noted, she said that photos taken at the party that contradicted her story were altered.
The biggest change in her account came in December 2006, when Mangum told an investigator for former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong that she could no longer be sure the attackers had raped her.
I'm sure the book clears all this up. In fact, in a Gallimaufry exclusive, here is the end of the book where she clears the air:
I maybe misremembered the whole rape thing. Whoops. Pobody's Nerfect! Anyway, I was assaulted. I was. Look here: "The act or an instance of unlawfully threatening or attempting to injure another. " Those fucking crackers were listening to motherfuckin' Hank Williams III. How the fuck am I supposed to dance to that shit? Obviously they were doing this with the intention that I fall down and hurt myself. And that's assault. Look, I know this whole things been heavy, so I'll end with a poignant joke. Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Thanks Crystal!
A:
The woman who North Carolina prosecutors determined falsely accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party maintains in a new memoir that she was attacked.
Here's where I'll jump in to give you all the definition of Libel : "defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures. " Literally cleared of all charges in a court of law, and she is releasing a book claiming they attacked her. Ooooh gurl, you are soooo sued.
Crystal Mangum, who appeared publicly Thursday for the first time since making the allegations more than two years ago, says in her forthcoming book she is not “looking forward to opening old wounds” but that she had to defend herself.
She also goes on to say she will continue to hunt for the real rapists, and plans on releasing a work of fiction next yea, titled "If I Did It: Confessions of a Lying Whore." Good thing she's getting this book out to clear her name. Don't want people to get the wrong impression about her. So like for example don't read her wikipedia page. Well, at least don't read this part:
Mangum had been working part-time for about two months as an escort and stripper for Allure Escort Service, and was also a 27-year-old student at North Carolina Central University. Before arriving at the party that day, she had consumed alcohol and Flexeril and had engaged in sexual intercourse with other clients.
Because that might paint her in a bad light. Also the part about how she and the other stripper got into a fight afterwards because she refused to leave the car, then continued to fight in some store, then she was taken to a mental hospital for evaluation, and only then made her first claim about rape. These things could maybe put a dent in her credibility.
“Even as I try to move on with my life, I still find it necessary to take one more stand and fight,” she writes in the book, “The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story.”
Look. I get that the guys at the party were complete douchetasters. I think it's actually a prerequisite for college lacrosse teams. These fuckers look like they talk without moving their jaws. One of them even went to the same high school as me, and almost everyone that goes there is complete shitstain (myself excluded, obvi). Just look at them:
Nothing not douche-y about them. But come the fuck on lady, your shit was proven untrue in a court. And court's never botched anything ever. I say that unequivocally and without any sense of hyperbole. Also 1. Who the fuck is Grace and 2. I hope you get the irony of that book title, and the hilarity of the puns on it [see post title].
Thanks, I will...right now! Here's what I make of it: You're trying to make money off your memoir and think that you will sell more copies by stirring up controversy. You will probably succeed, and you will probably still be remembered as the whore who maybe was treated, by complete asscocks, like a whore. I say that without equivocation. You became infamous not because you were raped (you weren't) but because you are an incredibly shitty liar. So fuck you and fuck your book. Obviously rape and sexual assault are awful, brutal and incredibly scarring things. I would normally just avoid this topic at all costs, but I think after everything that came to light in this trial, it became pretty clear that yes, the guys in question were probably pretty shitty people, but they in no way shape or form raped this woman, and you kind of royally fucked them, the way you claim they did to you.
An attorney who defended one of the players in the criminal case quickly denounced Mangum’s remarks, saying her allegation hurt the accused players, the state and all women who have been victims of sexual assault.
“If Crystal Mangum truly wants to heal, get on with her life and have others learn from her experiences, she would admit her lies and the damage they did,” Joseph Cheshire said in an e-mail. “The fact that she will not do that makes all of her motives and self-possessed desire to explain herself another lie. This is about money and lies. Pure and simple.”
Similar to my take on it, except less swearing. But still. Some major pwnage.
Mangum declined to answer specific questions about the details of the case on Thursday, and the publisher of the book said repeatedly “the case is closed” and she accepts the conclusions of state prosecutors.
Except no she fucking doesn't! Remember before when she unequivocally said she was assaulted? And if the publisher believed the case was closed, then why publish the fucking book? And no shit she isn't going to take questions. "How exactly were you assaulted?" "The case is closed. I accept the conclusions of the state prosecutors, but will say that I was definitely assaulted. On that day." "O...K?" But so what did she say, then?
“At this point, it doesn’t really matter,” she said Thursday. “What matters is for people to know my account of what happened and for all of us to learn from it.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? At this point, what doesn't really matter? The case results? And for people to know what happened to you, hasn't it been pretty much proven that you're not exactly the best source to go to for information?
The state’s investigation found there was no DNA or medical evidence, or witness accounts, that confirmed Mangum’s story. The inconsistencies in Mangum’s account, the state found, “were so significant and so contrary to the evidence that the State had no credible evidence that an attack occurred in the house that night.”
So what I want to know is if her book can even be published as non-fiction. I also want to know how a lying whore is now a published author and I'm still toiling away on blogspot. Oh right! I haven't written anything. Or done anything. Or accomplished anything.
The Associated Press had not previously identified Mangum per its policy of not naming people who say they are victims of sexual assault, even after public statements clearing the players. The AP decided to name Mangum once she came out publicly on her own.
Please note the AP never waits to name the alleged rapists. So I guess what I'm saying is if you're ever arrested for a major crime of some sort, and you don't want your mom to find out, tell the coppers you're a rape victim and The AP won't be able to release your name. Hmmm... What would the AP's policy be if I raped myself? Would they asplode?
Mangum’s version of the alleged assault varied in the number of assailants, and whether she was ever assaulted at all. At one point, state prosecutors noted, she said that photos taken at the party that contradicted her story were altered.
The biggest change in her account came in December 2006, when Mangum told an investigator for former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong that she could no longer be sure the attackers had raped her.
I'm sure the book clears all this up. In fact, in a Gallimaufry exclusive, here is the end of the book where she clears the air:
I maybe misremembered the whole rape thing. Whoops. Pobody's Nerfect! Anyway, I was assaulted. I was. Look here: "The act or an instance of unlawfully threatening or attempting to injure another. " Those fucking crackers were listening to motherfuckin' Hank Williams III. How the fuck am I supposed to dance to that shit? Obviously they were doing this with the intention that I fall down and hurt myself. And that's assault. Look, I know this whole things been heavy, so I'll end with a poignant joke. Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Thanks Crystal!
Next Case, Docket Number 4356-- Oh Christ, Not THIS GUY Again
Lay's n' gennulmen, y'honor, disstingished memmas a'da courtroom, lemme jus begin by sayin' this: I loves me some pants. I think you'll agree wit me dat some good pants, WHOOOOBOY dey can just pick yo' day right up. But wha'happinz, lay's n' gennulmen, wha'happinz when you trust somebody to guarantee yo' pant-related satisfaction and dey don't come through widit?You sue dey ass fo tens of millions of dollas, das what.
A former administrative law judge who unsuccessfully sued a dry cleaner for $54 million over a pair of lost pants tried to convince an appeals panel Wednesday that he deserves the money because he is a fraud victim.Y'see y'honor, I was a judge myself, so I KNOW da laws and how dey work. I no longer practice judgin things (not professionally at least) due to the fact that what had happened was my license was revoked when I tried to sue a court stenographer fo' misspellin erry'thang on they report. Turns out they was usin' somethin' called "shorthand."
But we are not here to talk about dat, y'honor. We here to talk about PANTS!
"This is not a case about a pair of suit pants," Roy L. Pearson argued before the District of Columbia Court of Appeals.Yeah, I mean we ain't here to talk about pants, that shit'd be re-dickaluss...
...Um, what we talkin' about agin?
Rather, it is about whether the owners of a neighborhood business misled consumers with a sign that claimed "Satisfaction Guaranteed," he said.YEA das what I'm talkin' bout! Satisfaction GUARANTEED. They din't have ta put dat sign in they window. But they DID. I went in expectin' my satisfaction to be guranateed regardless of what I wanted! Free service? GUARANTEED! Pickin' up clothes that ain't mines? GUARANTEED! Blowjob from the cashier girl while I wait? GUARAN-FUCKIN-TEED!!! GIMME MY MILLIONS!
Lay's and gennulmen, I am not some gayboy douchefag lookin' fo a million offa some bitch what ruined my umbrella. That would be plain non-sessical.
I'm just sayin' that when a man walks into a establishment what got a "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign (not a "Satisfaction Fairly Likely" sign, mind you, not a "Satisfaction is what we're aiming for but cannot be held liable if said satisfaction is not achieved" sign, but a "SATISFACTION GUARANTEED" sign), when a man walks into a store what got dat sign he should be able to demand anything he wants and sue for a re-dickaluss amount of money if he don't git SATISFIED! I'm a gat-damned fo'mer JUDGE!!! TRUSS ME!!!
The three-judge appeals panel peppered Pearson with questions about whether he knew of other rulings in which a promise of "Satisfaction Guaranteed" meant that unsatisfied customers should be entitled to whatever damages they believe were appropriate.How 'bout The People vs. dis DICK, N****!!!
I don't need a gat-damned precedent! I'm a fuckin' pie-oh-near, BITCH! And whaddabout dat bitch that got burned by tryin' to hold a Mac-Donnals cup a'coffee wit her cootchie?!? Now DAT bitch was stupid. She got her cheddah! What's good, homey? Where MY cheddah?!? WHASSSSGOOOOOOOODHOOOOOOMEEEEEEEY?!?!?
MAN! I'm even tryin' to meet these crackas halfway!
Pearson had originally sued for $67 million. He reached the amount by adding up violations under the act and almost $2 million in common law claims. But he lowered the demands after deciding to no longer seek damages related to the pants, focusing instead on the sign.YEAH! I wanted erry'body to know dat this is NOT about pants...anymore...that's what it was originially about, actually that was all this was originally about, but can you believe I was only able to sue fo' $13 million based on the pants? That's some ol' BULLSHIT. This "false fraudulent advertisin'" shit is where da money at.
The appeals court is expected to rule in several months. If Pearson loses again, he could seek to have the case heard by the full court or appeal to the Supreme Court.YEA YOU HEARD DAT?!? I'm takin' this shit ta Washington!!! All da way to the CAPITAL muh-fuckas! I'm--hold up, what? We already in Washington?
Oh.
Well sheeeeeeeeeeit, least I don't gotta pay fo a bus ticket den.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
You Can't Arrest Me! I Don't Think You're Ready for This Jelly!!!
Hi. I'm Robert Williams, Junior. I've got 99 problems. Here are a few of them: Jay Z, the police, Vaughan Dumas, driving, and standing up my girl!
A Detroit-area man faces a variety of charges after nearly hitting a patrol car and telling police that singer Beyonce was waiting to meet him in New York, authorities said. The man, 33, of Macomb Township, Mich., was detained early Sunday after driving in a "reckless manner" in a parking lot and nearly striking a parked patrol car, said police spokesman Vaughan Dumas.
Why is this such a huge deal? Beyonce and I are in love. Crazy in love. I'm ready for that jelly. Umm.. she said the signs are obvious. She said she wanted to be with me. She's my naughty girl. You'd be driving in a reckless manner too, if you had this waiting for you:
A Detroit-area man faces a variety of charges after nearly hitting a patrol car and telling police that singer Beyonce was waiting to meet him in New York, authorities said. The man, 33, of Macomb Township, Mich., was detained early Sunday after driving in a "reckless manner" in a parking lot and nearly striking a parked patrol car, said police spokesman Vaughan Dumas.
Why is this such a huge deal? Beyonce and I are in love. Crazy in love. I'm ready for that jelly. Umm.. she said the signs are obvious. She said she wanted to be with me. She's my naughty girl. You'd be driving in a reckless manner too, if you had this waiting for you:
If you're wondering how a body could somehow be too bootylicious, look up.
The spokesman said police found a teddy bear and flowers that the man said were meant for the singer inside his car.
Yes, they were meant for her, and I'd appreciate it if you'd not ruin any more of the romantic surprises I have in store for her. For example, please don't tell anyone I plan on covering her in jelly and shouting "I'm ready for this jelly!!!" before I repeatedly stab her and play around in her blood.
"He didn't threaten her or anything," Dumas said. "It was just his claim that he was going to meet her."
Ummm... uh hehe.. maybe skip that last bit I wrote...
The man reportedly refused to leave his car when ordered and asked police for directions to Detroit before taking off again. He was arrested a few minutes later and charged with reckless driving, speeding, interfering with an officer, failure to obey an officer's signal and failure to obey a stop sign.
I was also charged with being dangerously in love. Beside I had to try. She was waiting for me at the GWB! What am I supposed to do, obey the law? I always just thought stop signs were a like, suggestion.
The man was released on $5,000 bail and taken to a local hospital for observation, Dumas said.
At the hospital I was diagnosed with a number of things: being fancy, being a nasty girl, being too bootylicious, and eczema. Not that any of it matters, I'm a survivor. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to work harder, because damn it I'm a survivor. I'm going to make it. I will survive, keep on surviving.
ZOMG!!!:-)))))))) You May Have the Herp.
Wonderful things like chlamydia...hey that reminds me!
Go get checked for STDs.
Since 2004, a free Web site, inSpot.org has allowed users to anonymously notify their partners to get tested for STDs such as HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis.It would be easy for me to make light of a program that really does help fight the spread of STDs by delivering information potentially vital to an individual's well-being and allowing those with STDs to inform their past partners without more humiliation than they are already experiencing...
So here goes!
Of course I'm kidding. The real e-cards they send out aren't that bad. They're much, much worse.
The electronic cards deliver the news in a variety of styles. Some are flirty: "You're too hot to be out of action. I got diagnosed with an STD since we played. You might want to get checked too."(Thankfully) I can't speak from experience, but if I had warts on m'dick, I'm fairly sure that "flirty" would not be a style in which I'd deliver ANYTHING, let alone a message saying "Hey I have dick warts! We boned! You might wanna make a doctor's appointment! Call me!"
Some are somber: "Who? What? When? Where? It doesn't matter. I got an STD; you might have it too. Please get checked out."Better, but does it really need a clever little presentation to it at all? I mean, is this trying to sell the recipient on getting tested? Are there people out there who are like "hm...well it seems like I've slept with someone with the Hiv." "That sucks man, are you going to get tested?" "Idunno...the email lacked a certain 'joi de vive' to it. I might just go have unprotected sex and share needles instead."
"OoooOooOooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoOoOoOoOoOOOOooo!!!! Well, since you put it that way, to the clinic I go!!! By the way, what shade of magenta is that? LOVES IT!!!
"People are using online means to meet partners," Klausner said. "It was critical to develop online tools to promote sexual health and address this new venue."Sounds all technology-y. Tell me more!
The health department promoted syphilis testing in the chat room through screen names and e-mails.Cue the dramatization!
AzzLB-er: And then I was in a giant sex swing, right? And then he
DickDontItch: Hey guys wut r u talkin bout?
RRRuffRida: well lets see the chatroom iz called "GAYFUCK CHAT" so what do you think were talkin bout
DickDontItch: safe sexin it whilst flexin it?
AzzLB-er: ew no n00b i herd safe sex can give you the syphillis
DickDontItch: WHAT? 'the fuck r u talkin bout that doesnt make sense
AzzLB-er: I read it on the internet
DickDontItch: WHERE
AzzLB-er: right now after I typed it
DickDontItch: use a condom dumbass
AzzLB-er: k
In conclusion:
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
"Hi. My Name is Jane and I Smell of Rotting Fish." "Hi Jane!"
The 41-year-old suffered decades of bullying and low self-esteem because of her pungent odour, but doctors refused to take her complaints seriously, believing she was a hygiene neurotic.
"...decades of bullying and low self-esteem". Want to know what the title of this article was? "Rotting fish woman diagnosed with genetic condition." Telegraph UK, one might contend you are not exactly helping. But so at some point though (and I would have assumed it would be much sooner than decades) some doctor would be like "Why yes, you do seem to smell of rotting fish. Perhaps you're not crazy."
She has now been diagnosed with trimethylaminuria, a genetic condition that affects the smell of sweat, breath and urine.
Oh, it affects a lot more than that, hot-lips. Didn't you read the first paragraph you wrote?
The condition – also known as fish malodour syndrome – is incurable, but the patient from Perth, Australia has been able to seek counselling and support from fellow sufferers.
Now the title of this post makes some sense, huh? Anyway, I really would like to know a few things: Does this affect how one feels about eating fish? And if you enjoy fish and are cooking it, how will you know when it's done? And at some point do you get used to it or do you just like have a face that perpetually looks like this:
"...decades of bullying and low self-esteem". Want to know what the title of this article was? "Rotting fish woman diagnosed with genetic condition." Telegraph UK, one might contend you are not exactly helping. But so at some point though (and I would have assumed it would be much sooner than decades) some doctor would be like "Why yes, you do seem to smell of rotting fish. Perhaps you're not crazy."
She has now been diagnosed with trimethylaminuria, a genetic condition that affects the smell of sweat, breath and urine.
Oh, it affects a lot more than that, hot-lips. Didn't you read the first paragraph you wrote?
The condition – also known as fish malodour syndrome – is incurable, but the patient from Perth, Australia has been able to seek counselling and support from fellow sufferers.
Now the title of this post makes some sense, huh? Anyway, I really would like to know a few things: Does this affect how one feels about eating fish? And if you enjoy fish and are cooking it, how will you know when it's done? And at some point do you get used to it or do you just like have a face that perpetually looks like this:
"After experiencing ridicule, distress, shame, anxiety and low self esteem during her school years, she first consulted a doctor about the problem at the age of 17, then again two years later, followed by a further four doctors over the next 20 years," he wrote in the Medical Journal of Australia.
How did these doctor visits go? "Doctor, no matter how many times I shower, I smell of rotting fish!" "Oh so that's what that smell is...You should take care of that... Bye!"
"Now having a name for her condition she found an internet-based support foundation and referred herself for genetic counselling," he added.
Seriously. Is there anything the internet can't do? Want to commiserate with other people who smell like fish despite any and all bathing habits? Just go online! Want to find someone who will let you castrate them and then share in the eating of his own dongle? Just check the internet! Want to watch people act out Garfield comic strips with strange music videos tacked on? Just go to the internet! Want to have sex with a midget dressed in a clown suit while a one-legged man watches with a noose around his neck? Come to my house!
Trimethylaminuria is a genetic mutation that causes the body to produce too much trimethylamine, a compound found in fish. Particular foods, medication and hormones can exacerbate the condition.
Sufferers can be seen hanging out at fish markets and in the ocean, where their scents are slightly cloaked. And man does that suck. You can tell people you're a mutant, because you are, but then when they ask about the super powers that come along with it you have to answer: " I smell like fish. " I somehow doubt Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted will come calling.
Patients "experience shame and embarrassment" and "fail to maintain relationships", Prof Burnett said.
Fail to maintain relationships? I would think it would be tough to even get one started. I would imagine one could clear out an entire bar with that kind of affliction. I don't know how hammered one would have to be to even one-night stand a woman of excessive trimethylaminuria. Or how berbalerbs-like one would have to be, in terms of like complete and utter desperation.
Monday, October 20, 2008
You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Wit-Cracking Prankster!
An 89-year-old Ohio woman faces a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children say she refused to give back their football.
Ok. So maybe it's not the most recent photo, sonny. But that's what you get when you live next to a merry jokester! Petty theft? Why if I face any charged it should be light-hearted buffoonery at its finest! Where's my purple heart, you bastards.
Edna [the] Jester was placed under arrest last week and taken to the police station in the Cincinnati suburb of Blue Ash. Police say there had been an ongoing dispute over the errant football and a child's father called to report that Jester kept the ball after it landed in her yard.
I also invited the boys in to eat from my silly bowl of candy beans and offered him a buffalo nickel to paint my foolish fence and he flat out refused, which is why I kept his ball and waved at him with my Jester-wand and told him to get off the gosh darned lawn... it was pure merriment!
Blue Ash Police Capt. James Schaffer says police warned Jester twice and finally arrested her after she refused to accept a citation. She must appear in mayor's court next month.
That nice young man took me for a ride to bingo house, where it seems I lost a bit of money and need to go back next month to try and win again. Did I ever tell you about my grandson Emmit? One time he came over to reshingle my house and he had just the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. Turns out he's a little prankster himself. Instead of giving me my nightly bath while he was here, he locked me in my merry little basement and 700 dollars from my trickster purse. And that was the first time I ever found a blue bird out hiking. I'm sorry, who are you dear? Sometimes I do get a case of the vapors and forget my wits what I brought for cracking.
Jester said Monday she didn't have time to discuss the incident, saying she has received many phone calls about it.
I've just been so busy making merry and crackin' wits that this ol' southern gal hasn't had time for your talkin sweety. Why don't you come in and have some silly ol' candy beans. I'll tell you a story about makin' pranks! You see, I have this grandson Herbie, I ever tell you about him? You see he came over to reshingle my house and... hey! Where you goin sweetums? Don't you have time for a merry ol' jokester? Oh Mah stars.
Kabbalah Says: OK For Madonna to Continue Being Insufferable Bitch
Once again we return to the poorly written barely-stories of "The Scoop" with MSNBC's marginally-attractive-but-looks-like-she-puts-out-easy reporter Courtney Hazlett:
I'd hit it. She seems like the type of chick at a bar to give you that "I'm D.T.F." look about 15 seconds after you introduce yourself. How am I so sure? If you are a professional journalist and purposefully put a "myspace-esque" photo of yourself on the inter-webs, you're likely a bit whorish.
Get it?!? 'Cause Madonna's really ugly?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Every single girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs, Madonna blah blah blah looks good for an 87 year old blah blah yoga blah blah toned stomach blah.
Berbalerbs:
Every single girl in the history of ever: ...
...
...Well. I guess I'll go back into the kitchen to fix you a delicious sandwich then.
I wish they explained how that works.
**Courtney passes out**
OoooOOOooOoOOO good batch this week!
Madonna: Hey, is it cool in the eyes of Kabbalah-God if I start fucking around on my husband?
Kabbalah Advisor: Well, who's this other guy?
Madonna: Alex Rodriguez.
Advisor: And he does what?
Madonna: Hit homeruns for the New York Yankees when they're already up 11-2.
Advisor: And is he a nice boy?
Madonna: Actually he's kind of a prick.
Advisor: And how much does he make?
Madonna: A decent amount, I guess. Couple hundred million.
Advisor: Go. Fuck around with the mystical blessings of magic Kabbalah God.
**Several weeks later**
Madonna: Mystical Magical Kabbalah dude who mooches off me and makes me new yarn bracelets when the old ones break?
Advisor: Yes Madonna?
Madonna: I've been kinda hurting from all of the drama surrounding my divorce from my husband of 8 years. I feel really angry and vulnerable at the same time. What should I do?
Advisor: Have you considered making cunty little comments about him that half the time people aren't going to get during your upcoming tour?
Madonna: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING We have a winner!
...
...
...
Madonna. Is who I know. That falls into that category. Of insufferable cunt. Just so you aren't confused."
I'd hit it. She seems like the type of chick at a bar to give you that "I'm D.T.F." look about 15 seconds after you introduce yourself. How am I so sure? If you are a professional journalist and purposefully put a "myspace-esque" photo of yourself on the inter-webs, you're likely a bit whorish.
Ta-Da!
...Oh yea! I was going to write a blog post! My bad, here goes:
Expect more ‘ugliness’ in Madonna-Ritchie split
Get it?!? 'Cause Madonna's really ugly?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Every single girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs, Madonna blah blah blah looks good for an 87 year old blah blah yoga blah blah toned stomach blah.
Berbalerbs:
Every single girl in the history of ever: ...
...
...Well. I guess I'll go back into the kitchen to fix you a delicious sandwich then.
Expect “ugliness of epic proportions” when it comes to Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie. Why? “She’s got Kabbalah on her side,” says a friend of the Material Girl.Um...oh snap, I guess? I fail to see how Judaism + magic + red yarn = The reason Madonna's going to keep saying cunty things about her ex hubbie.
I wish they explained how that works.
“Here’s how it works:I fuckin' love you, Courtney Hazlett. Now...drink this...that's right...all of it...there you go...Now, let's wait about 5 minutes and--
**Courtney passes out**
OoooOOOooOoOOO good batch this week!
She [Madonna]’s got a team of Kabbalah advisers who guide her through her spiritual decisions. If they say something is justified, then she feels comfortable going ahead and doing it,” says the friend. “That was the litmus test she applied to spending time with A-Rod, that’s how she justifies making references to Guy at concerts,” says the friend.What kind of religion is this?!?
Madonna: Hey, is it cool in the eyes of Kabbalah-God if I start fucking around on my husband?
Kabbalah Advisor: Well, who's this other guy?
Madonna: Alex Rodriguez.
Advisor: And he does what?
Madonna: Hit homeruns for the New York Yankees when they're already up 11-2.
Advisor: And is he a nice boy?
Madonna: Actually he's kind of a prick.
Advisor: And how much does he make?
Madonna: A decent amount, I guess. Couple hundred million.
Advisor: Go. Fuck around with the mystical blessings of magic Kabbalah God.
**Several weeks later**
Madonna: Mystical Magical Kabbalah dude who mooches off me and makes me new yarn bracelets when the old ones break?
Advisor: Yes Madonna?
Madonna: I've been kinda hurting from all of the drama surrounding my divorce from my husband of 8 years. I feel really angry and vulnerable at the same time. What should I do?
Advisor: Have you considered making cunty little comments about him that half the time people aren't going to get during your upcoming tour?
Madonna: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING We have a winner!
Just before performing “Miles Away,” a song she has said was inspired by her ex, she announced, “This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do.”In a related story, at the premier of Guy Ritchie's latest film Rocknrolla, Ritchie was quoted as saying "this movie is for the old, self-obsessed, insufferable pop music cunts out there who haven't put out a song that anyone can name in God knows how long but still act like they're 21 and their shit doesn't stink. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do...
...
...
...
Madonna. Is who I know. That falls into that category. Of insufferable cunt. Just so you aren't confused."
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