Let's face it: God just plain hates some people.
Kay Underwood, 20, has cataplexy, which means that almost any sort of strong emotion triggers a dramatic weakening of her muscles.
Victims are often left paralysed for several minutes, although they always retain the ability to hear what is going on around them.
Well that's a relief...at least you can hear the uproarious laughter of all the people enjoying both your misery and the fact that they are not one of God's little jokes.
Kay, of Barrow-upon-Soar, Leicestershire, who was diagnosed--
Excuse me? Barrow-upon-WhatTheFuck? Leicestershirevillages.com explains:
Barrow is a residential and industrial village between Leicester and Loughborough.
Isn't "industrial village" kinda like "jumbo shrimp?" And Christ-child, can we ease up on the names of these damned places? I know this is the UK, and those two villages are probably pronounced "Leester" and "Lobo" or some shit, but gat DAMN.
It stands on the east bank of the River Soar and the chief industries have been hosiery and knitwear.
Boating is also important and the riverbank provides mooring for many houseboats. The emblem of the village is a PLESIOSAURUS, after a fossil found here in 1851.
Fo' sheezy my Pleezy...................osaurus
I'm just going to say it: I'm thoroughly impressed this girl hasn't jumped off the Fudgywickles Bridge into the River Soar. This bitch spends her day collapsing whenever something happens. Or if she feels a certain way about something. Or if she farts (I'm guessing). Take all of that and couple it with the fact that she lives in an "industrial village" known for it's "hoisery" and "knitwork" whose community symbol is an animal that was extinct thousands of years before the first men walked the earth. Oh, and apparently people living in Baron-von-Bumblefuck are horrid pricks:
"Once, when I collapsed on some stairs, a woman walked past, hit me over the head and said I should have collapsed in a more convenient place.
Ya know, I'd like to see something like this plugged into a superhero movie just once: Helpless cataplexic girl giggles, collapses. Horrible Limey cunt hits helpless girl, makes horrible comment. Spiderman™ swings in, breaks Limey cunt's neck, gives thumbs up, leaves. THAT'S my definition of a hero. Don't worry about the murderers and rapists of the world. Just take care of the assholes.
"But I've learnt to live with it. I can tell when it's going to happen and have learnt to fall in a comfortable position or find something to lean on."
Oh my good shining Christ. That's maybe the saddest thing I've ever learnt [WTF???-Ed.] about a person.
Like most cataplexy sufferers, Ms Underwood is also battling narcolepsy - a condition that makes her drop off to sleep without warning.
Yeesh...that's...that's kinda rough.
So, ok. This chick can't laugh, or she'll collapse. In fact she can't have any kind of strong emotion or it's fucking Plopsville. But as long as she subdues every emotion and never finds things funny...she'll only have to worry about passing out without warning in any situation for no reason. I'm sorry but if I was her I'd spend my days running up and down metal flights of stairs laughing my ass off. Anything to stop the atrocious carnival game that is my life.
Alright, we're getting kinda morbid here...Let's end this thing....any last words on cataplexy?
"I had one patient it happened to whenever he had an overwhelming feeling of smugness."
Only in Britain. Only. In. Britain.