Thursday, August 7, 2008

Am I High, Or...

Dude...I know, it's, what?

A New York man who pleaded guilty to murder in Oregon in exchange for buckets of fried chicken will get calzones and pizza to go with his life sentence.

I like how the lead sentence suggests that the real story here is that this dude is also getting pizza and calzones in addition to the

The story starts out normal enough. Tremayne Durham wanted to sell ice cream like his idol, so he bought a $18,000 truck from this company in Oregon. When the truck showed up, Mr. Durham (assumedly) was all "nah, dat some gay shit," and promptly changed his mind and asked for a refund. The company that sold him the truck refused.

So, Tremayne did what any level-headed, hard-working previously convicted rapist would do: travel cross-country and kill some motherfuckers.

The would-be ice cream man came to Oregon and killed Calbreath, a former employee of the company, while looking for its owner, authorities said.

That's right, a former employee. This poor schmuck was capped in the dome because the Oregan Ice Cream Truckery's website hadn't updated their employees page. So, yeah, this was Tremayne's plan. He was going to take a bus to Oregon and start killing people until he got his money returned to him...and then I guess turn back around and bus it back home, maybe stopping at the Grand Canyon to take pictures.


"Where's my mommy and daddy?"


"Ok, so now I've killed this random guy I thought was part of the trucking company. Oddly, that didn't generate $18,000 as I had hoped it would. What next? Hey I've got it! Maybe I'll look for the actual guy that owned the company, the person I've been talking to during the entire truck-purchasing process."

Congrats Trey Trey. Way to work that one through...

So he shows up with a gun, handcuffs and duct tape, asking for his $18,000 and, while we're at it, everything else of value in the house. What follows is...brain-hurtingly retarded.
The banks were closed because it was a Sunday, and Chambers was able to convince Durham that he'd get his money the next day.

Yes, that's right. Tremayne rolls up on this dude's crib on a SUNDAY. Looking for $18,000. Mr. Durham: we don't all store money like you do.

Chambers started playing a movie for Durham and persuaded Durham to let him leave the house.

Here's how I envision it going down...

(Tremayne kicks down door, points gun at Rob Chambers's face)

TREMAYNE: Kiss tha barrel, n****, kiss the muh'fuckin' barrel!!!

ROB: Wait, what? Like, literally? Who are you?


(Rob kisses the gun)

TREMAYNE: Ok. Thank you. Now where mah money?

ROB: Who. the. fuck. are. you?

TREMAYNE: It's Tremayne. Tremayne Durham...from Scotia, New York?

ROB: The dude who bought the ice cream truck?

TREMAYNE: Yeah! And I WANTS my money back NOW!

ROB: Well, I don't have $18,000 just lying around.

TREMAYNE: I KNOW THAT, whatchuthink? I'm stupid'r sumpn? We go'n to da BANK.

ROB: Um, yeah. It's Sunday.

TREMAYNE: Really? Today Sunday?

ROB: Yes.

TREMAYNE: Damn. I been walkin' around thankin it's Wednesday all ever have dat happen?

ROB: Um...I think Juice is playing on STARZ.

TREMAYNE: Forreal?!? Oh shit, put dat shit ON!

ROB (Turns on TV): There ya go, man. Hey I'm goin on a beer run, you need anything?

TREMAYNE: Oh, shit, get me know dem shits dat look like a corn chip tornado?

ROB: Bugles?


(Rob leaves house, calls police.)

So he's arrested. And shortly after, he's connected to his first murder. And then...

Durham agreed to plead guilty to murder -- but only if he could get a break from jail food. The judge agreed and granted Durham a feast of KFC chicken, Popeye's chicken, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, carrot cake and ice cream.

Selling yourself a bit short there, huh Trey Trey?

After Wednesday's sentencing, Durham was to get the rest of the deal -- calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream, his defense attorney confirmed.

Now THAT'S what I'm talkin about! Man, this guy shoulda been a lawyer he's so good at negotiating...or at least an ice cream vendor, I mean, he's GOOD.

Just so everyone out there is clear on what he traded in exchange for a veritable stoner smorgasbord: Not only did he plead guilty to murder in lieu of going to trial and possibly getting off on some dumbshit technicality of the legal system (maybe pleading "mentally incompetent" and citing the fact that he was outsmarted by his second victim turning on a fucking TV), he also waived any appeals. Meaning he's in jail. For life. Period. In exchange for a bucket of Extra Crispy.

Deputy District Attorney Josh Lamborn said Multnomah County Judge Eric Bergstrom made the right call in allowing the unusual plea agreement because it saved the expense of a trial and possible appeals.

Ok, I can see that. We probably did save a shit ton of money by trading this guy his right to a fair trial for a $12.99 KFC family meal. Well, we made it, kids! We got through the story of the man who traded his life for fried chicken without our heads exploding! Yup, no more horrid stupidity around here, I'll just pack up my things and--

Durham also got married Wednesday in a civil ceremony at the Portland courthouse.

Wait, he...someone actually wanted can't...I just....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

1 comment: