Berbalerbs: Just the Tip

This is a new feature in which 'Mauf writer Berbalerbs shares a brief observation or comment, a literary amuse-bouche, if you will. Why? Because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) fuck-off.



I just realized that Andy Rooney's little "editorial" spot on 60 Minutes consists of him re-discovering that he's 174 fucking years old, week after week, and that puts him a leeeeeeettle out of touch with those of us whose lives haven't spanned 3 different centuries.

Ooo, look. Berbalerbs is mad at something someone wrote about the Mets. How novel.

Someone from a really ignorant Mets blog wrote something really ignorant. Let's make fun, shall we?

In Defense Of The Wilpons: Are The Mets Heading To The Junkyard?

Think back to that first car you owned. Wont [sic] it always have a special place in your heart?

Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this lede, mostly because it's wordy and appropos to NOTHING ELSE IN THE FUCKING BLOG POST. But mostly it's blah blah loved the car but then it started to break down blah blah eventually couldn't just throw money at it, and you had to get rid of it.

I’m wondering when the Wilpon’s [sic] will reach this point—if they haven’t already.

Ok, so at this point, maybe the article's going to talk about how the Wilpons have treated their ownership of the Mets a bit irresponsibly, as a teenager might treat his/her first car. Maybe they valued the shinyness of its hood over the power of the engine? I don't know. I didn't construct this tortured metaphor.

But no. That is not the direction this web log poster decided to take. This interweb writer decided to take a sharp left-hand turn to Fuckwit Township.

Yes, the Wilpons have been criticized and crucified for not giving us our elusive 3rd Championship...But in their defense, do they deserve all the blame?

No. Not all the blame. But a hefty fucking percentage of the blame, yes.

True they should have spent money better, wiser. Just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

If you're wondering, those two sentences completely undermine the rest of the post. This is the next sentence. The very. Next. Sentence:

However, when all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball.

Wouldn't that whole thing look a lot more sensible if you switched those two thoughts around?

When all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball. However, just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

See? Doesn't that make your brain hurt a lot less?

Tell someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City that our owners don’t want to win.

Berbalerbs: Hey, someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City?
SIPOKC: What's up?
Berbalerbs: Our owners don't seem like they want to win.
SIPOKC: Fair assessment. Wanna make a suicide pact?
Berbalerbs: Boy, do I!!!

They have opened their wallets time and time again.

On players like Oliver Perez. And Luis Castillo. And Alex Cora. And Gary Fucking Matthews Fucking Jr. (fucking.)

They have put the best product on the field and given us the tools needed to build a championship.

Our "best product, championship-building toolshed" included Mike Jacobs hitting cleanup on Opening Day this year. And before you say "he was there due to another player being injured," that other player was Daniel Murphy. No disrespect to Murph, but come. The fuck. On.

Take a step back.

Cuz you standin' on mah dick!!! Tee hee. Ahem, sorry.

Don’t look at who we haven’t gotten but who we HAVE.

Get ready for this folks. This is an INVALUABLE lesson for us all to learn, ESPECIALLY anyone planning on a career in politics: If you ignore any and all context to a situation, you can argue anything!!! Let's begin:

We signed future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez.

After his prime. For too many years and too much money. Look, I'll be the first to say it was a good signing, but mostly because it restored some credibility to a team that had been UTTER SHIT for like 4 years. It likely helped them land Beltran, and indeed, in 2006 we almost made the World Series with Pedro on the team. But by the end of that season, the cracks began to show as we were counting on a LOT of people past their prime (Pedro, El Duque, Glavine) to lead us to glory. But I digress.

Then signed another future Hall of Famer in Tom Glavine, both who definitely know a thing or two about winning pressure games.

Glavine we covered above, but I just wanted to add in that line about "knowing a thing or two about winning pressure games," like that's...a thing.

We locked up 5 tool superstar Carlos Beltran for 7 years in the prime of his career.

Yup. Score one for the front office!!!

CURRENT FRONT OFFICE SCORE: 1.

Oh, and while I'm being bitchy, the blog this was posted on (which refers to itself as "The Ultimate Baseball Site for Die-Hard Mets fans derp derp derp") consistently brings up the fact that the 2010 Mets "started losing as soon as Beltran came back," because if you were paying attention in Science class, correlation ALWAYS equals causation. But yea, Mr. Clubhouse Cancer is all of a sudden a championship tool when it's convenient.

We acquired slugger Carlos Delgado who, as his career was winding down, had a deep seeded desire to play in a World Series.

First part: granted, especially the "career winding down" part. Second part: objection, your honor. Relevance?

We signed the best LHP in the game in Johan Santana

Woah woah woah woah woah. Anything about that seem weird to you? Like, maybe that he wasn't on the team when Pedro and Glavine were here? And when he arrived here, John Maine and Oliver Perez were considered our #2 and #3 guys?

When our bullpen crumbled we obtained Francisco Rodriguez fresh off his record 62 saves.

Which was the opposite of a productive way to fix the problem. Our ENTIRE bullpen crumbled, not just our closer. So you give a RIDICULOUSLY HIGH contract (and I'm not saying this just because of Baby-Mama's-Daddy-PunchGate, $15 mill+ a year for a relief pitcher not named Mariano Rivera is silly) based on one of the worst stats in baseball, the save? And yea I get that they signed Putz that same year, but making a recognizable, past-his-prime closer your eighth inning guy and having NOTHING behind that isn't a strategy. Putz predictably wanted to be a closer again (whether or not his performance warrants it), so you knew he wasn't sticking around. And K-Rod hits old people, so...y'know.

We brought in Gary Sheffield for his veteran presence and post-season experience.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME HERE!?!?!?!?!?

I'm verklempt. I need a minute.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

Gary Sheffield is neither an example of a good move by ownership NOR an example of ownership spending a lot of money (being that Detroit was paying almost all of his bloated contract after RELEASING HIM FROM THEIR TEAM DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PLAY BASEBALL WELL ANY LONGER). Discuss.

In a free agent market with limited hitting, we signed Jason Bay after he hit 36 HR’s and 119 RBI’s.

In an offseason where the Mets had dozens upon dozens of personnel matters to discuss, they signed this one guy because, HEY! You've heard of him right??? Great! He used to play for the Red Sox!!! You've heard of them, right??? GREAT! Well come on down, buy a ticket and see THAT GUY YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT USED TO PLAY FOR THAT WELL KNOWN TEAM!!!

Collective Mets fans with brains: Um...sirs? What about the rotation going into--
Wilpons: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR SHAKE SHACK!

The Wilpon’s [sic] also hired Willie Randolph as skipper. Randolph, who by himself, has more championship rings then the entire Mets roster.

Yea, how'd that work out for them? And I'll be brief about it but PLEASE shut the FUCK up with this rings bullshit. He won them as a player, not a manager so putting that in there means NOTHING. Also, this writer presumably thinks that David Eckstein was a superior player (is? Does he still play? idunno) to Alex Rodriguez, because Ecky's got more rings. KISS THE RINGS, BITCH!

And lets not forget the fact that they gave us fans a brand new stadium to call home.

Which taxpayers chipped in around $175 million to build. But hey, it sure is nice that the tickets and food are so reasonably priced!!! Oh hey wait...

Despite all of these moves, acquisitions, free agent signings, despite the fact our payroll has increased close to 50% in 5 years, what has it gotten us? One–ONE–division title!!!

Hmmmmm now why, oh, why could that be? Was it perhaps that the moves, acquisitions and blah blah blah were more to project an image of "wanting to win" and having a "quality product" than to actually have a fucking winning product? I wonder whose fault that might be...
Oh I know! Jerry Manuel!

Hmmmm....who hired Jerry again? Oh I know, Omar Minaya!!!!


Hmmm...who hired Omar again?

Oh.

I know.

THE FUCKING OWNERS.

Like our first car, I wonder if and when the Wilpon’s may decide to stop throwing good money after bad and try something new, something different.

Like my first car, your post was busted and shitty.

Did you miss me? You missed me.

Let's forgo the niceties. Let's just fucking dance.

Mets must let Reyes play on first day

Before we begin, a few yes/no questions for you:

1. Are you unaware that a baseball season consists of more than just 1 game? (specifically, 161 games more than just 1 game?)

2. Have you (intentionally or otherwise) completely ignored the past three seasons of New York Metropolitans baseball?

3. Are you a complete fucking idiot?

If you answered "yes" to all three, there's a good chance you're Kevin Kernan, writer for the New York Post, and you happened upon our lovely little blog while Googling yourself. There's an even better chance that I'm about to violate every orifice of your shitty little article.

The Mets are trying to find all kinds of reasons to keep Jose Reyes out of the Opening Day lineup

What Kay Kay neglects to mention (can I call you Kay Kay? I think I can call you Kay Kay.) is that the Mets haven't really been looking all too hard to find these reasons. Jose Reyes missed almost all of last season with an injury to his leg. Then, he had thyroid problems, which meant he had to be completely idle for three weeks. Completely. Idle. Like,For three weeks. Now, going fromtotakes a little warming up. Especially if one is trying not to re-injure one's leg, which, as we've just covered, kept one out of baseball for most of 2009.

They say they’re trying to protect the shortstop from hurting himself by keeping him from coming back too quickly.

Because he's coming back from injury.

And he was just fucking STATIONARY for three weeks.

And, while having Jose Reyes around on Opening Day would be nice, having him healthy for the entire season would be considerably fucking nicer.

And, of course, you know how cold it is in April in New York. There are three night games after Opening Day, and that first road trip takes the Mets to Colorado, which could create problems.

Shit, I didn't even consider that. You're right, there are even more reasons to be careful with him than I've considered!

Absolutely none of that should matter.

You're a Yankees fan, aren't you?

Listen: I get it. Reyes makes the Mets a better team and--

The bottom line is that Reyes makes the Mets a better team

Yea, dickwad I just said that, but we're talking about--

and if he continues to impress the way he did yesterday during his first time facing live pitching [Dude, that was batting practice -Ed.], he should get the green light to play on Monday.

Read your own fucking sentence again, Kay Kay: during his first [FUCKING -Ed.] time facing live [FUCKING -Ed.] pitching. On the sample size of "1" you're going to declare an oft-injured KEY part of the Mets ready to play?

No questions asked.

I have roughly 75,000 questions to ask RE: that (although to be fair, the majority of those questions are some variation of what the fuck is wrong with you, Kay Kay?)

His spot in the lineup would give the Mets an immediate Opening Day lift against the Marlins and Josh Johnson. And maybe you haven’t heard, but the Mets could use an emotional lift. So could their suffering fans.

Maybe you haven't heard, dick-shiner, but in 2009, roughly 160% of the team's Opening Day roster missed significant playing time because of injuries. Like, literally, if you ask the average Mets fan what they hope for this season, you're likely to get a response along the lines of "I just hope they fuckin' stay healthy." It is extremely fucking unlikely you get a response along the lines of "I hope to see Reyes leg out a triple on Opening Day, and after that I couldn't give a fuck."

Reyes’ appearance would rev up the home crowd

It's Opening Day. Opening Day will rev the crowd up for Opening Day.

[Playing on Opening Day] would give Reyes the chance to wipe away the curse of a season that was 2009.

It also gives him the chance to re-injure himself ON DAY FUCKING ONE because he rushed himself to get back. And also, "the curse" of 2009 you're talking about was almost completely due to INJURIES. Which the Mets are at least trying to avoid.

BY NOT RUSHING THEIR STAR SHORTSTOP SO HE CAN BE IN ONE GAME THAT IS NOT ANY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OTHER (and please listen to me when I say this)
ONE.
HUNDRED.
SIXTY.
ONE.
OTHER.
FUCKING.
GAMES.

Even if Reyes is overmatched by Johnson, he won’t be alone — but perhaps Reyes will have a good day and so will the Mets.

So...if Jose Reyes plays poorly, it's likely that at least one of his teammates will also play poorly...which...um...but on the other hand, he may play well, and his teammates may also play well...as well. So...there's that.

The fact Reyes has overcome so much since last May 20 and this spring’s thyroid scare, being in the lineup would give him the kind of lift that could carry him all summer. It would be a triumph for the baseball soul.

That's just gay. MOVING ON!

Again, this is not about pushing a player who is not healthy.

No, it's about pushing a player who we're not sure if they are completely healthy or not, which is a stupid idea.

I’ve watched Reyes closely the last three days,

I like to imagine Kevin Kernan squatting uncomfortably close to the field and batting cages and staring intently at Jose Reyes for hours on end without blinking.

and other than needing to pick up some bat speed

How could one quickly do this...OH THAT'S RIGHT by playing a few minor league games where they don't have to bat in order so that Jose can lead off every inning and get twice the amount of at-bats he would in a regular game, all while NOT HURTING THE TEAM as he "picks up his bat speed."

Now comes the line in the article which made me write this post. It's...I...ok, no preface. Just

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

I...how can you

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

No...just...no.

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

Dude.

Brah.

Broseph Goebbels.

If there is one thing, ONE THING that playing Opening Day isn't about, it's the big picture. And yes, you fuckheaded fuckhead, playing Opening Day is, objectively, self-fucking-evidently, about one fucking day, specifically: Opening Day.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the Opening Day Roster (4/6/09) for the New York Mets, 2009!

1. Jose Reyes, SS
2. Daniel Murphy, LF
3. David Wright, 3B
4. Carlos Delgado, 1B
5. Carlos Beltran, CF
6. Ryan Church, RF
7. Brian Schneider, C
8. Luis Castillo, 2B
9. Johan Santana, P

WOOHOOALRIGHT!!! Now, the roster eight weeks later!!!

1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Emil Brown, RF
3. Carlos Beltran, CF
4. Garry Sheffield, LF
5. David Wright, 3B
6. Fernando Tatis, 1B
7. Omir Santos, C
8. Wilson Valdez, SS
9. John Maine, P

woo. The roster eight weeks after this?

1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Luis Castillo's 13 year old daughter, Helena, RF
3. The headless body of David Wright, 3B
4. A wax statue of Samuel L. Jackson (on loan from Madame Tussaud's), 1B
5. Jerry Manuel's grandpa Jimmy Manuel (1914 - 2007), CF
6. Berbalerbs, SS (No, really. I had a .087/.100/.114 clip for the month of August, good enough for Mets Offensive Player of the Month)
7. A small mass of David Eckstein's cells that were cloned and cultivated in a lab in East Orange, NJ, RF
8. A stepladder, C
9. Johan Santana, P

Wow, I'm sure glad the tone the team set last year on Opening Day carried them the entire year!!!

This would usually be the point where I calm down for 5 to 10 seconds and concede that I know the writer didn't literally mean this, he was implying blah blah blah, but FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not sure how someone can be stupid enough to write something like that and yet smart enough to use a computer.

Alright...let's wrap up the retardation.

To expect Reyes to come back with perfect timing is expecting too much. In fact, it might be better to bring him back with that built-in excuse.

Look guys, he's gonna suck for a while, but we have to focus on the important stuff: he's doing all his little handshakes on Opening Day!

Just having Jose Reyes in the lineup makes the Mets winners on Opening Day.

Drown yourself, Kay Kay.

Hah! I guess I showed you guy--AHHHHHOMYGODMYPENIS

Surely you've heard the phrase "cut off the nose to spite the face." I've got a new one for you:

Cut off the penis to spite the family.

(Oh by the way, if you happen to have a penis, prepare to shudder for the next hour. Or don't read this post.)

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

WOW. Kinda makes piercing your ear in defiance look kinda tame...

Pfft...Pussy.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.

So...this guy is rebellious enough to CUT...OFF...HIS...FUCKING...PENIS...but not rebellious enough to...oh, I don't know, FUCKING RUN OFF AND ELOPE?

And other than the whole "discontinuing the bloodline" which I understand is really important in almost every culture, and it seems a lot of Middle Eastern cultures REALLY value its importance, um...WHO ELSE DOES THIS HURT BESIDES NOW-DICKLESS DUDE?

I mean, could you imagine what this scene would look like? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO, FARTKNOCKER because I'm about to dramatize the hell out of it, with the help of two out-of-work former movie monster stars*:DudeWheresMyPenis:Dad? We need to talk.NotMyDongNotMyProblem:For the last time, you are NOT marrying that STREET RAT!!! Hehe, get it? Like, from Aladdin?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah dad, a little racist there, don't you think?

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Huh? Nah, I can do that 'cuz I'm Arabian. It's like how black people can use the n-word?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah, dad!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Ok, ok. Too far. But I have told you my decision! You are a MILLIONAIRE, son! You cannot soil our family's good standing by marrying a SLUMDOG! Huh? You see what I did there?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Dude, that was about Indian people.

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: So?

DudeWheresMyPenis: So Indian people aren't Arab. Seriously, it sounds like an ill-informed white kid is telling you what to say. Anyway--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Oh, hey, what happened to your penis?

DudeWheresMyPenis: I CUT IT OFF, DAD! SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM!
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM THAT WAS STUPID!

DudeWheresMyPenis: Well now you'll HAVE to take me seriously!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Um...why's that?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Bec-- what do you mean? I...I cut off my--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Yea I noticed. And?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Well, I-- um. I really hadn't thought much past cutting myOHHHHMYGODICUTOFFMYPENIS!!!!!!!!!!

...is how I imagine it went.



*Gabara and Anguiris appear courtesy of the Paul DeSnizarello B-List Kaiju Agency. No penises were harmed in the recreation of this scene.

The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"

Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.

U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--

U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--

U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?

U1: Wait what? I don't think I--

U2: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

U1: Oh. I get it now.

U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.

U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.

U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.

U1: "Da Room"?

The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.

U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.

U1: O...k...

Door swings open
U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?

Pee-Wee: Sup.

U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!

U1: Excuse me?

U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--

U1: Citi.

U3: Who?

U1: Nevermind.

U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.

U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.

U3: Right.

U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--

U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.
C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.

Several sandwiches later...HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

'IDOL' RUNNER-UP WON'T REVEAL SEXUALITY...Y'KNOW, ADAM? THE GAY ONE?

So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.

I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.

Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."

Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this other gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...

Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality

...Gay! No? um...Super Gay!

Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.

Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina.

"It's a really, really cool thing,"

It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy

"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."

"Yeah man, I'm just doing my own thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?"

So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."

Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture
is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. Buuuuuuuut because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story got picked up by everyone. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.

I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.

All I'm sayin is that straight dudes generally don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they generally don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from Jon and Kate Plus 8. And they generally don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.

I MEAN, not that I actually imagine it or wonder what it might be like just once to--

This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.


*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.

Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent

For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.
PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography

P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...

whackwhackwhackwhack

[there is a knock at the door]

P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!

Voice: Mr. Snizarello?

P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.
Anguirus: Hi Paulie.

P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?

Anguirus: It's Anguirus.

P DeS: Are you sure?

Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.

P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.

Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.

P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?

Anguirus:...


Yes.

P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.

Anguirus: SNIZ!

P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?

Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--

P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.

Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.

P DeS: 'Strue.

Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?

P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.

Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?

P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!

Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--

P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...

Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?

P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.

Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?

P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?

Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?

P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...

Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--

P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.

Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...

P DeS: This one:

Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?

P DeS: Um...

Uh...

Research?

Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.

P DeS: Yea...um...about that...

Anguirus: Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? RIGHT???? THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!

[Anguirus storms out]

P DeS: Pfft. Actors.

My Soapbox Was Being Repainted, You See...

I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.

It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.

...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?

For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.

Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!

...and don't even THINK about commenting...you little pussy.

Cue the Courtney Hazlett Theme Song!!!


Let's Scoop this bitch.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are taking a break

Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...

YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU "DON'T HIT GIRLS." SO DON'T. FUCKING. HIT. GIRLS.

It has really, really surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.

Listen,

Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.

But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He punched her. Repeatedly. BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT. So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.

Aaaand yea. I think I'm done here.

Oh it is SO ON. Epilogue

Dustin Sussman AKA Metabolism Music Videos SPIKE.com

This is dsussman. The one "rapping." I...it's...I just...kill yourself. Is what I think I'm trying to say here.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 3

Part 1.

Part 2.

"The List."

Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)

5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem

Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a little stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and

8 Mile was a pretty good movie,

Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?

we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.

Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you have no clue what you are speaking of, and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.

Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.

This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"

Wow, that is pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.

If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."

Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.

So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably would have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list?

Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.

You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He was never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.

Oh, and
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE "DEATH" OF HIP HOP? IT'S ONE FUCKING GUY WHO STARTED TO FALL OFF A TEENSY WEENSY BIT AFTER, I REPEAT, AFTER THIS SONG, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THIS SONG.

If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.

4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z

You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, let alone on this list, let a-FUCKING-lone higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby."

I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam

You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself.

and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream

Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.

Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument.

but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.

OH MY--

I can't---

I don't evenAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHA;OIE4JV578K8BY045VM0JPC3N7-V34898XS5890X890XSE5SVTNOPSVOVDNUTNPRUOVT8PVN9T498BYPBR9VTP

I just tried to eat my own face.

Dustin,

This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's why it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:

BIG PIMPIN IS NONE OF THESE THINGS FRIEND.

I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,

You clearly do not, sir.

but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.

Ya know what? You are completely right. It's totally this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.

Oh wait. I'm not. Just him.

3. "Mo Money Mo Problems" - The Notorious B.I.G.

The ghost of Biggie Smalls is so going to fuck your world up for this one.

I do love this song,

WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it directly "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list."

but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.

And? You do realize that Puffy was the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!"

When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.

It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin!

It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.

Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to how these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.

2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals

His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.

"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, the one fucking time you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.

"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."

But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't

Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits

MAYBE THEN YOU SHOULD'VE CHOSEN T-PAIN'S FIRST SINGLE AS THE FUCKING SONG THEN YOU EXHAUSTING BASTARD!

1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.

Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.

Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...

You should know that I fucking love pistol-whipping blind children.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 2

Part 1.

"The List."

Ok. Lessgo.

9. "Me So Horny" - 2 Live Crew

As funny as this song was in back in 1989

Aaaaaaaaand stop. You've already made this selection moot. Congratulations.

How could a song that was released in Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine, 4 years before Tupac gained noteriety, 5 years before Biggie's debut album, SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE THE GRAMMYS ADDED A BEST RAP CATEGORY have helped to "kill" hip hop?

Maybe if this was some ingenius time bomb situation where the song slowly crept into the minds of MCs everywhere until there was a major (if indirect) negative impact on the genre of music and community as a whole, MAYBE then put it on the list. Is that your assertion, Mr. Sussman? What are your feelings on "Me so Horny?"

nothing more than shock-pop crap that had no place in the world of hip-hop

That might be why 2 Live Crew isn't around any more. Oh, and one more thing:

THIS SONG DID THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF "KILLING" HIP HOP, YOU WET SMELLY BRAINFART OF A HUMAN.

Sussman makes a throw away comment that

the lyrical content in their songs had conservatives like George Will shaking in his boots

and then moves on to other nonsensical assinine assertions. What he fails to mention? That the sheriff of the county where 2 Live Crew lived lobbied to get the album listed as "pornography" and later "illegal contraband" because he didn't like colored folk talking about sex. The fucked up thing about it was that a judge in Florida agreed with him, and made the album illegal. ILLEGAL. A local retailer was arrested for selling the album after it was outlawed and several members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for performing live (yes, I'm getting this all from wikipedia, Mr. Sussman. You could have too).

Well what the hell is my point?

In 1992, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit overturned the obscenity ruling from Jose Gonzales, and the Supreme Court of the United States refused to hear Broward County's appeal.

This is when THE SUPREME COURT stood up for hip hop as a valid form of expression protected under the First Amendment.

In conclusion, (of #9, that is...we're nowhere CLOSE to done) dsussman put the song that basically ensured future rappers the right to rap about whatever they choose on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop.

Oh my God, dsussman. You suck. In fact, you're dsucksman from here on out. Yea I know, a little weak but WHATEVER. IT STANDS.

8. "Ice Ice Baby" – Vanilla Ice

Oh thank God, Dustin. This makes sense. It's so obvious that a human raised by chinchillas in the hills of Argentina who has never come in contact with another person or so much as heard another human voice would know that it belongs on this list. Now, go ahead and mercilessly pummel Mr. Ice and we'll continue with our business.

I had no choice for this one.

No, you pretty much didn't. This, along with a certain large pant-wearing MC named after a tool, marked the beginning of rap's true commericalization. This is the time when record companies tried to make rap music...well, acceptable for old white people. Which was all well and good but this is really where stuff started to

I feel like Vanilla was a pretty sincere dude when it came down to his music.

Excuse me?

The guy was spittin’ Miami raps,

Oh God no. You're defending him, aren't you?

throwin’ down synchronized dance moves and just plain doin’ his thing.

...


...


I just killed someone. Harold from accounting. I went into the men's room here at the office to break a window or bash a urinal, something, ANYTHING to diffuse the rage that Mr. Sussman has just awoken by defending Vanilla Ice, and there was Harold. "Hi Mike," he said. "Bye Harold," I replied. I put him in the stall that's always out of order. Hopefully no one will find him for a while.

/takes deep breath

Mr. Sussman. How on EARTH can you try to defend Vanilla Ice? You had no problem claiming 50 Cent has this anti-music evil commerical empire agenda going on, or dismissing the relevance of 2 Live Crew in hip hop, but you feel it necessary to defend VANILLA FUCKING ICE? Please. Continue.

But back in 1990, this song pretty much took on a life of its own and would go on to be one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history.

"Pretty much took on a life of its own?" What's that even supposed to mean, in this context? It's pop music. That's sorta how it works. You market a song, put it out on the radio and if you're lucky it "takes a life of its own" and gets popular. Pop. Music. Popular. Music. Savvy? As for it becoming one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history? Give me one good fucking reason it doesn't deserve to be hated. This dude was fucking corny as all get out, the lyrics suck (I frankly don't care that you and all your boys from high school would TOTALLY scream every word at all the semis after getting drunk on wine coolers), and HE BLATANTLY STEALS FROM A DAVID BOWIE SONG AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS A DIFFERENT SONG. This is a HUGE reason that sampling has been underrated as an art form, because of dipshits like this going on TV and saying "mines is like 'ding ding ding dingading ding,' while his is all 'ding ding ding dingdingding ding,' so it's like totes diff."

It’s kinda sad that this man had no control of how people in the hip-hop community would react to the popularity of this record.

It's kinda sad you likely got paid to make this list, Dustin.

7. "Too Legit To Quit" - MC Hammer

Christ. I feel like we're 10,000 words into this bitch and I've covered three fucking songs. Whatever. Onward!

I can’t deny that “Addams Groove” was a worse song than “Too Legit,”

Then why did you choose 2 Legit? Addams Groove was a worse song, and it was (as far as I can remember) the first time a rap song was written for and about a movie, which began a really terrible string of cross-marketing rap songs (most notably terrible would include Wild Wild West and the Rugrats Rap Song, which I still can't decide is the worst or best thing created by humans to date). That would've been something you could argue helped "kill" hip hop. But no. You decided to go with 2 Legit 2 Quit. Explain yourself, young man.

Hammer’s first single off his 1991 LP seemed to almost flush the entire hip-hop/rap scene down the crapper.

How, exactly?

The size and scope of “Too Legit” helped push Hammer even further away from his musical roots in Oakland

The roots that were apparently healthy and full of "realness" when he dropped "Can't Touch This" lookin likethis?

If it wasn’t for The Chronic, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.

OMG YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO COOL FOR SHOUTING OUT THE CHRONIC!!! OMG YOU LISTENED TO DR. DRE AND SNOOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA WAS LISTENING TO THEM?!?!?!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO TOTES GANGTSTA LOLCATZ!!!11!1!ONE!!1!!

By the way: 2 Legit 2 Quit was released in 1991. The Chronic was released in 1995. So way to completely make up an anecdote to make yourself seem cool.

Such a douche.

6. "Gettin' Jiggy wit It" - Will Smith

I give Will Smith credit for making clean hip hop for the masses, but when Big Willie Style dropped in 1997 I had honestly had enough.

Me too, dsucksman. Wow, maybe we would be friends if we met each other. Now how did this help to "kill" hip hop?

It was like a hip-hop covers record from start to finish.

Okaaaaaay...and this helped kill hip hop becaaaaauuuse...

...


?

"Just the Two of Us"? Fresh Prince, please.

dsucksman, this is not a "Top 10 Hip Hop Songs That I Personally Don't Care For," it's a list that...you know what? Forget it. Just...forget it.


to be continued...

Oh it is SO ON. Part 1

Alright.

So a lot of times on this site, I'm a bit...what's the word...prickly? in regards to the heights of human stupidity we are all forced to deal with on a daily basis. I'll curse and put words in all caps and make faces like
and generally it's all just a good spirited romp through my repressed anger and general bitterness toward the populace.

However.

When you are a casual hip hop fan and decide to write a terrible, half-assed top ten list about the songs that "killed hip hop" and manage to get it onto Spike.com, know that I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.

Or at least tear your list to shreds. Either way, I'm totally cool with whatever.

The Top 10 Songs That Killed Hip-Hop

Let me begin by saying there's nothing wrong with writing a list like this. It's a super interesting idea, and an literary hip hop head could go a number of different ways with it. Was it commercialization that "killed" hip hop, was it the East/West rap war, was it Crunk Juice, etc. A lot you can do with this. Dustin Sussman, the aged piece of Fromunda Cheese that wrote this steaming pile, chose to make the list the opposite of interesting. Or accurate. Or defenisible. Or non fucking retarded.

One more thing before we begin (Christ, we haven't even STARTED yet??). I am a small white boy who also happens to be (at least in my humble opinion) an accomplished MC. I can rap. Like, I can fucking rap. I know first hand how dumb it is to look at someone and assume that you can tell whether or not they are "hip hop" or not. That being said, this douchefuck SHOULD NOT BE WRITING HIP HOP ARTICLES.

If you're not at work, roll up a fatty to this one...if you are at work, get high at lunch and read the shit out of this. Let's fucking crip walk.

Hip-hop just may be the most popular music genre on the face of the planet and for good reason. It’s raw, real and unpredictable.

Dude! Totally bitchin' non-statement here, brah. I mean, "raw, real and unpredictable?" Somebody made you do this list, didn't they dsussman? This is like bio homework to you, isn't it. Tip for next time: DON'T FUCKING WRITE THE LIST THEN.

But in recent years the music revolution that started in New York over 25 years ago

I mean, he's right...it did start over 25 years ago...it also started over 30 years ago...and some people believe it actually started over 35 years ago, so...way to not look it up and just guestimate like 17 words into your article.

For some reason, wannabe hip-hop artists with little talent have decided to pervert the genre by manufacturing bubblegum garbage for the masses.

Well, jinkies!!! That's just plumb awful!! Why, that hasn't happened to every single genre of music that has gained popularity in the history of the recording industry or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! This is the first big red flag that this dude has no business compiling this list. People who don't think hip hop is a viable form of music will always point to some terrible manufactured radio song that appeals to the lowest common denominator and try to use it as the quintessential hip hop song. No, assmouth, the hip hop community doesn't consider "I Ain't Never Scurred" to be one of its cornerstones.

Oh and by the way, two of the biggest "rock" bands in the US today are Nickleback and the Jonas Brothers. Would you like them to be the representatives for rock music as a whole? Didn't think so. Point taken? Thought so. Stop? Hah.

No.

#10: "In Da Club" 50 Cent

Let's hit the ground running!

I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this song was the jam when it first came out

I'll be the first to admit that when this song came out in 2003, calling a good song "the jam" had already been played out for, like, 10 years.

Now I'm not saying this song is bad,

'the fuck did you put it on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop for then?

but when Fiddy first came on the mainstream pop scene in 2003 he pulled off one of the greater magic tricks in all of music.

This...should be good. And by good I mean unabashedly retarded.

This man was creating the illusion that he was a real artist trying to speak for the streets

Really? His song "In Da Club" was an attempt to speak for a marginalized populace and tell the stories of their struggles persecution and eventual rise to greatness in this country? I kinda thought it was more about partying...you know...in the club?

lo and behold he was just a businessman who didn’t seem to care about the music he was attempting to represent.

Ok, you know what? I actually think he has a point buried somewhere here. 50 Cent has really fallen off as an artist after Get Rich or Die Tryin'. In fact, after Get Rich or Die Tryin', Fitty's career has really taken a steady path away from music and toward entrepeneurialism. This is only a problem because 50 uses contrived "beef" with other rappers to promote his albums and since he can't really...what's the word...um...rap well, he has to bring disputes "off the track" as they say (just ask Rick Ross). Why, after Get Rich or Die Tryin' you might just say that 50's career contributed to "killing" hip hop.

SO WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU PUT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SINGLE FROM THE MAN'S MOST HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM ON THIS FUCKING LIST?!?!!?!?

It's like putting Weezer on a top 10 worst rock albums list and using "Pinkerton." IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB.


to be continued...

OH I CALL BULLSH*T

This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.

STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching

See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?

Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.

How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and

Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.

DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.

"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday

This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.

Fuckin' Sri Lankans currently living in Canada.

BREAKING NEWS: PETA MEMBERS STILL MORONS

O.M.FUCKING.G.

JERUSALEM — A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita.

Opening sentence. No word of lie.

Listen.

I know that animals need advocates because obviously they can't speak for themselves. I know that there are a lot of truly terrible things that humans do to animals, and there needs to be a group that helps to bring these things to light. But, um,

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD PETA, THIS IS A MILLENIA-OLD RELIGIOUS WAR THAT HAS IMPLICATIONS THAT AFFECT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, AND HAS NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT AGAIN, NO-THING TO DO WITH BEING VEGAN OR NOT RACING HORSES OR WHATEVER'S GOT SAND IN YOUR VA-JAY-JAY THIS WEEK. BUTT. THE FUCK. OUT.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel's permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Hi, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert?AAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOO DEEEERE SAAAARAAAAAH.

SMcL: Right... so, listen I want to talk to you about this Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I think I have an idea that will help.

Ehud: A newly drafted peace settlement?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: A new type of WMD so we can just get this thing over with?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: Blowjob?

SMcL: Ew.

Ehud: Well what then?!?

SMcL: Did you know that if everyone on Earth was a vegan, we'd be saving the lives of millions of animals every year??? Why, the animals killed for fur alone number in the--

Ehud: OMFUCKING G, are you kidding? 'The fuck out of here with that bullshit!

PETA's signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: "Give Peas a Chance," and "Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian."

Can you imagine being an Israeli or a Palestinan in the midst of this terrible violence, living under a shadow of fear that death may come at any time from any angle for any reason, and going outside and seeing this?This is the equivalent of someone going down to Ground Zero an hour after the second plane hit to hand out flyers about Global Warming. I know where you're coming from, but TIME AND PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS. TIME. AND. PLACE.

"Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence," PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter.

Osama bin Laden actually released a new video response to this. It's just 1:34 of him dismissively wanking this off.

While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn't create instant peace

Or eventual peace. Or any increased chance of peace at all whatsover. Actually come to think of it, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH PEACE YOU FLAGRANT RETARD.

it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world."

And there you have it: PETA summed up perfectly. A complete and total admission that this won't have any effect other than furthering their agenda. "We're here to protect animals, and we'll hurt, kill and trample the rights of as many people as we have to to make our point!!! I'm sorry, what? What have we actually done to help animals besides drawing attention to ourselves and acting like dicks? ummm..."

/Throws bucket of fake blood, runs

THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME

You know how when you were young, you'd go to that mean old man's house (or in my case, that really nice wheelchair-bound half blind priest's house) and set a bag of shit on fire, put it on the porch, knock on the door and then run away?

You know how you kept doing it all through your teenaged years, thinking one day it would get old but it never did?

You know how eventually you moved on to torching Port-a-Shitters?

You lost me? Really? Whatever, freak.

Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

This marks a momentous occasion for me personally and therefore, for all of you faithful readers who hang on my every word. I'm about to give a San Franciscoan a "kudos."

Ahem...San Franciscoan Port-a-Shitter Arsonist: Kudos, friend. My apologies that your Godless city is a cross between a femininely scented over-lotioned Kleenex and the Sodomite ward of Riker's Island. Onward!

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Nothing funny to say here. That's just a sexy sentence, in my humble. I'd fuck that sentence if it were physically possible. I mean, "trail of malodorous wreckage?" I'd WIFE that shit.

And now, let's try to make flaming Job Johnny's a grave, serious matter!

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

San Francisco Police Department Headquarters, Commissioner's office. Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge kicks open door, enters.

BigMindy: Commish! He struck again!

Commish: God damnit, Mindy, do you have to kick the door down every damned time you step into my damned office, damnit? Now what the hell are you--

BigMindy: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! HE LIT THE SHIT AGAIN!!!!

Commish: Yea, I know. There was an article about it on the Mauf.

BigMindy: Wait, this article?

Commish: Yea.

BigMindy: How is that even poss--

Commish: Laptop from the future.

BigMindy: Huh. Well, I-- wait, where was this little vignette going?

Commish: Not sure. We should probably just keep going with the quotes from the article.

BigMindy: Fair.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses.

Camouflaging. Is your answer. You want to...camouflage. The Port-a-Shitter. What in the fucking FUCK can you make a Port-a-Shitter look like other than a--

Touche.

And the second option? "Securing" them? Something tells me this arson isn't setting them on fire and then, like, throwing them into the street or something. I mean, it just seems like you would end up with a very secure, burnt, melted Port-a-Pooper.

Theories vary on who is responsible. "Kids would be my guess," said Johnson.

"Possibly arsons, as well" he added. "Ne'er-do-wells would be a third option, if I were pressed."

The rest of the article is funny only because of the name of the Port-a-Pooper President they got to interview...

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers

Now as you continue to read just picture this guy

Talking like this.

[A-Rod] thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police."

HAHAHAHAHAHA "catch-and-seek?" Jeez, maybe this IS actually A-Rod.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to,"

Unequivocally: No one you talked to is actually worried. They're being polite. They laugh about you when you're not around.

"These people, I don't think they're criminals,

Yep. Actual quote. A-Rod thinks these arsonists illegally destroying other peoples' properties aren't criminals.

Oh, and by the way...


I know who did it.