Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Best Idea We Ever Just Had

So as you are no doubt aware, the Mets are severely underachieving at present. I believe PECOTA has them slated to win around 93 games, so I'm still holding out hope that they start playing up to their computed expectation and telling myself that to win 93 games you still have to lose 69, and those need to happen some time anyway.

ANYWAY... Recently their manager has come under severe scrutiny as the team continues to play sub .500 baseball. I believe this to be lazy scape-goating by a New York media to driven to find a story. Retarded sports radio hosts are not helping the situation either (I'm looking at your stupid face, Craig Carton). Gary Carter, Hall of Fame catcher from the championship team in '86 - when he heard that Willie Randolph's job might be in jeopardy - called up the Mets to inquire about the position. What.a.dick. Keith Hernandez, who is probably the most ridiculous and best color commentator to ever exist in the history of anything ever, took exception.

"...I've kept quiet for such a long time, but for the people out there listening, just go in the dictionary and look up 'unconscious' and you'll find a picture of Gary Carter. I know that's strong, but it just happens too many times and it's just, you're walking around unconscious."

I explained this situation to a friend, when we hatched what is probably the greatest idea that any two people have ever idea'd in the history of idea-ing.

Keith Hernandez should become the new manager of the New York Mets. How has this not been thought up yet? Could there be a better solution (that doesn't involve space travel and wet t-shirt contests and Boiler Room references) ? I highly doubt it. So we discussed the important specifics that need to happen, should he become the manager:

-Cooler full of beverage of a cool and refreshing (and alcoholic) nature, present at all times to help provide manager brain juice.

-A Segway at the top of the dugout stairs. This will be used in lieu of walking out to argue calls with umpires. This segway will be equipped with a bull horn, to make his arguments more authoritative sounding.

-Before I get to the next and probably most important point, we need to establish that instead of a baseball uniform, Keith will be dressed as a Roman Gladiator. His helmet will be a gladiator helmet/pimp hat. And yes, he will have a sword.

-Two barely legal ladies, serving as concubines. They will serve a number of purposes beyond the obvious. They are as follows: Perky breasts used not only for fondling but also as tables for blowing copious amounts of cocaine. Instead of kicking dirt on umpire or throwing hat to ground, Keith may and shall beat the ever-living shit out of one or both concubines to express rage and fury. Instead of Keith being ejected from the game, one or both of the concubines may be ejected in his place. Should he choose, instead of throwing water cooler or trash onto field during fits of rage, concubine shall be tossed in an effort to keep Mets dugout property undamaged.

-Keith will be ushered into the dugout from the bullpen at the start of every game in his own pope mobile type vehicle.

-Every promotional day for the mets will become "Keith Hernandez Day" and during the 7th inning stretch, two barely legal, scantily clad babes make their way to center field and fight to the death for the right to be an honorary concubine for the rest of the game. Fans are encouraged to throw trash at them, as the concubines then have 5 minutes to clean up the field or they are also executed. There will still be bobble head promotional days, but only Ryan Church bobbleheads, and only accompanied by mean spirited concussion jokes.

The way I see it, this solves every problem. If the Mets win: hey awesome, the Mets win. But even if they lose you just got to throw shit at two babes fighting to the death after a man dressed like a gladiator rode around Shea Stadium on a segway shouting shit in a bullhorn! Who cares about baseball?

Friday, May 16, 2008

2.5 Gallons of Wine + Jedi Church = Amazing

I like stories like this because I don't have to add much to it.

Some folks from the church of the
Jedi Church were having one of their ritual lightsaber fights, and a neighbor with a penchant for drinking decided to join the fun.

A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.
Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.
Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

When reading the story, I assumed it could not possibly get any better... but then they say it's been videotaped and I feel like I must have died and am in heaven. THEN I find out the video's been online for a while, and now I'm certain I'm dead and in heaven.

Unfortunately, I'm not dead and this cubicle doesn't feel very heaven-y, and the video in no way lives up to as amazing as it sounds like it should be. Don't get me wrong. It's hilarious and amazing, but how could anything be as great as what our imaginations have already created?

Let's all say a prayer for Master Mormi Hehol and Master Jonba Hehol

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Most Awesome Dare...Ever?

If I dared you to punch a camel in the face, would you? Because this guy would.

A man has been arrested for allegedly punching a camel on a dare at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. Vallejo police say 24-year-old Christopher Allen was dared by a friend to enter a restricted area at the theme park where the camel was kept, and punch it.
He did, police say, and got arrested for his troubles.

Police say Allen was detained by park security, but soon escaped and ran from the park with his friends.

Police finally caught up with Allen and arrested him and the driver of his getaway car, Chrissy Thatcher.

I'm not sure the best part of this story. Man is dared to punch camel. Man accepts dare. Man punches camel. Man is arrested for punching camel. Man escapes from custody. It's all so good. How did he get caught, is the first question I have. No. The first question I have is: Is there a video of him punching a camel? Also, how did he escape police custody? Also, what exactly is the crime you get charged with when you punch a camel?

Mainly I wonder if he misheard Chrissy asking to be camel punched.

Klassic Komics.......K

Friday, May 2, 2008


...of being too fat.

-A Long Island music shop owner accused of selling knockoff Gibson Les Paul guitars has been arraigned in a pickup truck in a courthouse parking lot after his lawyer said the 500-pound defendant couldn't walk into the courthouse.
-State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle said the man's "severe weight problem" prompted the unusual proceeding Thursday in Riverhead.
-A defense lawyer also had given the court a doctor's letter saying the defendant suffers from osteoarthritis.
-The shopkeeper has been released without bail after pleading not guilty to trademark counterfeiting and criminal simulation. He says the case and health problems have forced him to close his store.
-He's accused of selling bogus Gibsons for $1,500 to buyers who thought they were far more valuable genuine versions of the classic electric guitar.

Now in case you are wondering what osteoarthritis is, here's a link. It's essentially arthritis brought on by being too fat. I have no idea why that sentence was included in the article. It's like "They had to hold court in the parking lot because the guy is so fat. His lawyer also had a doctor's note stating that he had health problems due to being so fat." I don't really get the point of mentioning that. You'd think it would be pretty safe to assume the guy is going to have issues stemming from his weight problem if he is too fat to enter the fucking courthouse. I also love that "the case" and health problems have caused him to close the store. I understand though, when I get stressed out by my trademark counterfeiting crimes, I make myself feel better with ice cream and pizza. Then I have someone fork-lift me onto my truck and head out for a hot date, instead of opening up my music store.

Anyway, I wonder what it looked like, and if people came by and heckled. Or if the judge hit something with his gavel - like a car or if he stayed in robe. Did they have little podium and everything or did they just like, stand around in the parking lot? I also imagine the scene with the music shop owner laying supine, mouth agape complaining about his osteoarthritis and having to wash himself with a rag on a stick.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Man Tries to Cash Check for Infinity Bajillion Dollars

If you ever find yourself wanting to start a record business, you should make sure you have some investors. People willing to put money into your venture. But also, make sure if you are going to do this in a fraudulent fashion, that the amount you try to steal is an amount of money anyone on the planet Earth has - I'm looking at you, Charles Ray Fuller.

A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said.

Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, was arrested on April 22 on an accusation of forgery, police said.

Police responded to a report of a man attempting to pass the check about 4 p.m. that day at the Chase bank in the 8600 block of South Hulen Street, Fort Worth police Lt. Paul Henderson said.

The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.

Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana, Lt. Henderson said. He may also face a theft charge in Crowley.
Lt. Henderson said he did not know if Mr. Fuller and his girlfriend were still together.

Now I guess the lesson here is probably that if you're going to write a fake check, make sure you know how to write a check - at least part of me hopes he wasn't seriously trying to get 360 billion - or at least that he was very, very high when he wrote it. Or, at least make sure you can tell if a personal check is made out to you - this is usually a pretty large obstacle in getting a check cashed, especially if it is for several billions of dollars... Or, if you are going to try and cash a check for 360 billion dollars that isn't made out to you, at least don't do it while carrying an illegal weapon and drugs. Live and learn, as they say. I guess at the very least this run-in with the law will lend some serious street cred to his record business.

UPDATE: MSNBC has an article with some awesome quotes:

I wouldn't picture him doing something that stupid, I mean, hurting me and my family," Greer said.
Greer and her family said they don't know what Fuller was thinking.

"I didn't think he'd do this, something this dumb. I think it shocked everybody that knew him," Greer said.
Her grandmother Sharon Laird agreed.

"I said, 'Do what? Is he crazy? We were just in awe," she said.

Laird said if her family had $360 billion, "I wouldn't be sitting here. I'd be somewhere drinking margaritas. It's five o'clock somewhere, sometime."

Boy Scout Returns Wallet with 800$ Inside, is Newsworthy, Somehow

Seriously, who does this?

When an 11-year-old Boy Scout found someone's wallet with $800 inside, he understood what the person who lost it was going through.
Only a few weeks before, he had lost his own wallet and the $45 it contained.
J.R. Bouterse immediately told an adult about his discovery, which was turned over to a law-enforcement official and returned to its grateful owner.

If I had found this wallet when I was eleven, I would probably have done one of two things. One would have been immediately spend all eight hundred dollars on comic books and action figures. This is because I was stupid, and wouldn't have thought to think ahead far enough to where my parents would ask me why I suddenly had hundreds of dollars worth of toys and comics. Busted. I'm almost certain that would have happened.

But the more clever me would like to think I would masquerade my greed behind the veil of attempting to be a good person. I'd be smart about it. Knowing that someone was missing 800$, obviously first order of business is to stash away maybe 100$ so the amount is different. Next, ditch the wallet. Some where far from where you found it. Next, report to your parents you found 700$ cash (but lie about where you found it). This way, you look like a good person, and who knows! You might just get a nice little pat-on-the-head type reward from the parents - possibly in the form of toys and comic books.

Also, the kid says he knew what the owner was going through because he had recently lost his wallet with 45$ in it. What 11 year old has 45$ in his wallet? I don't think I even had a wallet when I was 11. The most money I probably ever had on me was like, 5 dollars.
I was going to write "Guess what, you've acheived another merit badge! Being a dick!" , but this is an 11 year old kid who is clearly a better person than I could ever dream of being, so I guess I'll just go over here now...
Also, who carries eight hundred dollars in cash on them? Drug dealers and pimps. That's who. Congratulations kid, you've just given a coke dealer his money back. Go sit in your shame closet.