I Guess It Must be Vengeful God's Shift

I said thou shalt not STEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Yes, that's what I think God looks like. Anyhoo...

Michigan authorities say a shoplifting suspect died after being crushed in a trash compactor where she was hiding.

Wouldn't it be great if this was the way it always happened? Like, some douche cuts you off in traffic and his car immediately bursts into flames and runs off the road?

Mmmmmm...a girl can dream.

The Eaton County sheriff's department said two women fled a Lansing-area TJ Maxx discount store after spraying a security guard with Mace.

Yeesh...at least they she could've died trying to hold up a bank or something...a TJ Maxx hold-up isn't exactly something where you're like, "we may not make it out of this alive." Oh, and

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING HOLDING UP A TJ MAXX DISCOUNT STORE?

Really? Is the $17.25 they have in the register really worth risking jailtime, or worse...karmic death by trash compactor?

So there were two ladies involved in this stick-up, one who was immediately found hiding behind the trash compactor. Heh, everyone probably thought she was the stupid one...for a few minutes.

Shortly afterward, authorities got a call about a woman trapped in the trash compactor.

Uh, yeah hello, 9-1-1? Um, yeah, either a rat has learned English or there's a lady trapped in our trash compactor. Did we turn what off? Oh, the trash compactor? No. Heh, that woulda been pretty smart, huh? What? Oh, I work here at the TJ Maxx. What do you mean, "that makes sense?"