Get Bent, Phelps! We Have a NEW Champion in Town

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Where am I?

My Dad once said, "Everyone is the best in the world at something. The trick is to find out what's your something and try to make a living off it."

Actually he didn't say that at all, although I sorta wish he did. Might've made me reach for the stars a little more and maybe I wouldn't be in a dead-end office job blogging all God-Damned day.

I digress. What my dad actually said is "if you get 10 DWI's, you're probably going to get life in prison."

Kenneth Chris Oneal, 58, received the maximum sentence Thursday after jurors convicted him of driving while intoxicated-repetition, his 10th drunken-driving related offense.

Mr. Oneal was given a standing ovation as he arrived at the precinct, and after a brief puke-and-rally, he was awarded the Texas State DWI Championship, and even received a phone call from the previous title holder.

Hey, ya ever do "Frosted Donuts?" It's where you do a TON of coke, right, and then you-- oh, hold on, my boss just came in. (puts down phone) Yes, Karl?

The offense was a felony because he had at least two such convictions in the past, prosecutors said.

Makes sense. Except wasn't this the seventh fucking time that he had "at least two such convictions?" Like really, times 7, 8, and 9 everyone was like "oh, Idunno. I'll bet he doesn't do it again. Seems like a nice guy." Fuckin' Texans.

Ben Hoover, lead prosecutor in the case, said Oneal also had previously been convicted of assault and failure to stop and render aid.

I'm not sure on that last one. Something tells me that if I'm in an accident in Witchita, Texas:

1. God have mercy on my Left-Wing Hip Hop lovin' soul

2. I don't want someone with 10 DWI's stopping to assist me with anything other than directions to the nearest Brew-Thru.

"The jury handed down a big sentence, but it was a just sentence," Hoover said. "The jury apparently took this offense seriously and wanted to send a message that a multiple-DWI offender was not going to be allowed back on the roads of Wichita County."

Way to send that message, Witchita! If you're thinking about getting caught driving drunk and endangering the lives of everyone around you 11 times you've got another think coming!!!

Mr. Oneal would have been up for the death penalty, but the judge decided to take it off the table upon learning that Oneal wasn't actually retarded, just a Texan.