Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Doctor GeniusFace Has a Whoopsie

I deal with pain fairly regularly. I've had four operations on my wrist. It's been, at times, frustrating. And in certain moments, I've had thoughts like, "I wish I had an axe, I'd hack this fucking hand off right now." Of course, these moments are fleeting, and as reluctant as I am to ever go to the Doctor, I would never ACTUALLY act on any of those thoughts. This guy however? Notsomuch.

A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.

Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.

Couple things here.
Why was he naked? And... a BUTTER knife?! Also... Where was his wife when he was going through with this? To insert a butter knife into one's hernia region would require effort and pain that Would not go unnoticed even if Mrs. Dr. GeniusFace was rocking out her iPod and crocheting or whatever people do.

"He actually impaled himself with the butter knife," Lorenz said. "He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn't want to wait any longer for the medical procedure."

Ok, so you're somehow so fed up that you've decided to perform surgery on yourself, you ambitious soul you, and so you're now trying to determine the best way to cut open your stomach to... fix... your... hernia? Do you even know what a hernia actually is? Even if you do, would you know what it looked like after you somehow cut your own stomach open to see it? And why the fuck would you jab at it with a cigarette? It's going to get all bloody and then you can't smoke it and those things are like a million bucks these days bro!

Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. "I don't know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything," he said.

Further proof we need to work on making lightsabers a reality. They Cauterize as they cut!

Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.

No, no.... Bro. Trust me, even if you weren't? Lie. "Yea, I was WAY hammered. I would never jab a butter knife into my gut and then a lit cigarette! I don't even remember that shit!"

Sunday, July 31, 2011

And the whole "Jesus's Image" thing comes full circle

Let's say for a second you are God. Not only that, you are also the son of God, and died for the sins of every human (fuck you, other things living on Earth!). Anyway, instead of showing yourself to the world and being like "hey sorry for the AIDs and the Hurricanes and shit. I'm testing you! So far I'd give y'all like a C -. But seriously, it's all good there's heaven with cake and boners" or whatever. You think to yourself "Hey, not only am I the son of God, but I'm also God, and rather than talk to these people, I'll show up in their toast! or on a rag! OOOOOOoooh BEST idea ever, I'll show my face on a walmart receipt!

It will shock you to learn the folks who saw Mr. J.H. Christ are from South Carolina. Also, this:

Sutherland said she and Simmons believe the image was a response to a question asked by their preacher in church that week.

"We had a message on knowing God, abiding in him," Sutherland said. "(The preacher asked) 'If you know God, would you recognize him if you saw him?'"

"We just feel like it's a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else," Sutherland said.

Ok so you'd be so jazzed that you recognize God (from a walmart receipt, obviously), that you wouldn't be like "Oh hey, remember Katrina? You're kind of a dick." Or like, "Hey my wife got hit by a drunk driver, what kind of prick gives a "test" like that? No, just oh hey! I know that face, you were on my receipt for Marlboro reds and easymac! It's a sign!

Simmons said Walmart workers told him the receipt would only change colors if heat was applied, but he does not know how it would have been heated enough to cause the mark.

Can't wait for the follow up when they get the receipt back from the lab to find out if it had indeed been heated! See you at the rapture y'all!!!!!