Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Schoe-Down at the O-Shea Corral

Feel free to kill me next time you see me for the terrible corniness of this entry's title. Bear with me, here.

As you already know if you read the post directly below this one, it seems that Scotty "Big Show" Schoenweis decided to have a talk with the rest of the boys in the bullpen regarding their recent scat show of a performance during the past...mmmm...two years. I felt I needed to speak up due to the erroneous fallacies of my associate's actually went this:

Mets Bullpen Theatre

Inside the New York Mets locker room, after a loss in which the Mets bullpen ruined an 8 2/3 innings and two strikes performance from Johan Santana, surrendering 41 runs with two out in the ninth to lose 41-40 to the Washington Nationals' AAA team.

Aaron Heilman, Joe Smith, and Duaner Sanchez sit playing cards. Carlos Muniz sits in front of the Clubhouse player piano, pretending to play...

Muniz: Where sail-dome ees hurrrd, a dee-scurr-o-geen wurrrd, aaaaaaan' thee skies are no' cloudy owl dayeeeee!!!

Heilman: SHET TH' FUCK UP, CAR-LOS! Damn! Son, ain't we got you a actual Mets cap yet?!?

Muniz: Nossir.

Heliman: Damnit ta hell, Car-Los, how's people gon' know we a gang if we don't got on the same hat, damnit! HEY KID!

Kunz: Gulp, Y-y-y-y-y-yessir?

Heilman: Give Car-Los yer hat.

Kunz: Gulp, b-b-b-b-but sir,

Heilman: Give Car-Los yer Gat-Danged hat or so help me--

Kunz: Ok sir, but, uh...what about me?

Heilman: (Draws pistol) What about you? (Shoots Kunz dead.)

Smith: Hehehehehehe, pwned.

Scott Schoenweis enters, scans the room, takes a seat alone in the corner, orders a sasparilla (whatever the fuck that is). Heilman, Smith and Sanchez saunter over to Schoenweis's table.

Smith: Yer Scotty Schoenweis, ain'tcha? I heard a'you.

Sanchez: Son' kinda clobe-house leader, eh? Leesten, Meester Leeder, dat sheet don' go around heer. Savvy?

Schoenweis: I'm retired.

Smith: Good. That's real good. Sanchez, why the hell are you standing behind that plant?

Heilman: Yeah, really.

Schoenweis: Forrealz.

Muniz: Forrrreally-realz!


Sanchez: (steps out from behind plant) Anyway, dat sheet don' go around heer, savvy?

Schoenweis: I heard ya the first time.

Schoeneweis stands, steps towards Sanchez.

Sanchez: Oooooh, I real scared.

Schoeneweis: Damn right, yer scared. I can see that in yer eyes.

Schoe walks up to Sanchez as he reaches for his gun.

Sanchez: All right now.

Schoeneweis: Go 'head. Go 'head, skin it. Skin that smoke wagon and see what happens.

Sanchez: Leesten, meester, I-I gettin' awful tired of jour-

Schoe slaps Sanchez hard in the face.

Schoeneweis: I'm gettin' awful tired of your gas. Now jerk that pistol and go to work.

Sanchez doesn't do anything and Wyatt, er Schoe slaps him in the face again.

Schoeneweis: I said throw DOWN, boy.

Schoe slaps Sanchez again, his mouth is bleeding

Schoeneweis: You gonna do somethin' or just stand there and bleed?

Heilman: (cocks pistol, points at Schoeneweis's head) Alright, I think I seen enough. Now you listen here, I'M the new sheriff in town, and I says we's gonna keep blowin' saves and givin' up leads fer the rest of the season. YOU HEAR ME?!? THE REST OF THE SEASON, AND AIN'T NO ONE GONNA STOP ME!!! WHO'S GONNA STOP ME?!?!?

Billy the Kid: I'm your Huckleberry.

Heilman: What?!?

Billy: Why Aaron Heilman, you look like somebody just walked over your grave.

Heilman: Uh, Billy, hey man, uh...good to see ya.

Billy: You'll excuse me if I don't shake hands.

Billy approaches Aaron, brandishes firearm (ewww)

Heilman: My fight's not with you, Wagner.

Billy: I beg to differ, sir. We started a game we never got to finish. "Play for Blood," remember?

Heilman: I don't remember ever saying that, actually.

Billy: I do.

Heilman, Smith, Muniz, and Mets pitching coach Dan Warthen lay dead on the ground. Schoeneweis stands over a wimpering Sanchez.

Schoenweis: Alright Sanchez, you called down the thunder, well now you've got it! You see that? (pulls open uniform, revealing badge) It says "Bullpen Leader/Hall Monitor!!!" Delgado gave it to me!!!

Sanchez: Scotty, please I--

Schoeneweis: (kicks lifeless body of Muniz) Take a good look at him Duan...'cause that's how yer gonna end up! The blown holds and saves are FINISHED, ya understand? I see a three run homer given up in the 8th, I kill the man who threw the ball! (lets Sanchez up, Duaner runs) RUN YOU CUR, RUN!!! Tell 'em all the Schoe's comin! You tell 'em I'M comin' and hell's comin' with me, y'hear???



1 comment:

  1. doc holiday isnt even the greatest fictional character named doc you bastard. someone in a delorean would like to have a word with you.