Porn Inspector: Defender of the Universe

There are so many things screwy about this I don't even no where to begin. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. Better even, maybe.

A man claiming to be a police detective tried to get an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren't underage, authorities said.

See, right off the bat this guy is in trouble. If the cops really wanted particular videos to check if performers were underage - wouldn't they go straight to the company that makes the videos, rather than a random novelty store? And why wouldn't they just take money out of petty cash or something? And why wouldn't they have first contacted the store first to like, ask them if they carry the following suspect pictures? And why I am thinking so much about the motive of a guy who wanted free porn? And hasn't he ever heard of the internet?

He made three tries within nine days last month and was turned down each time. The store manager called police after the third try.

Are there no other porn shops in or near Longmont, Colorado? Also, how does this go down? What does he say when they tell him no? Does he put on an air of authority or does he just kind of leave with his tail between his legs? These are things people want to know! Did he show credentials of any kind?

Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont police "age verification unit." Cmdr. Tim Lewis said there is no such unit.

God would I love to know what that badge said and looked like. Also, why would you leave a business card?! Here's how I envision this going down:

Guy Who Wants Free Porn: Hi, I'm Detective Mike Pemulis, Colorado PD, Age Verification Unit. I'm going to need to take these videos to see if the girls on here are of the proper age.

Store Guy: Excuse me? You're a policeman? Why didn't you just call vivid videos to obtain the tapes in question? Is there really an Age Verification Unit? Are you guys like bouncers or something? How many people would be in the Age Verification Unit, like 2? This just seems a little strange.

GWWFP: Look. Here's my badge:

So I'm the one asking the questions. Are you going to cooperate with the Law? Or am I going to have to file a report downtown about how this establishment failed to help the LMPD investigate a potentially awesome porno scandal. The boys down at the AVU have long memories, bub. And you don't want me to have to get the FBI involved, do you?

SG: I'm sorry, I don't believe you. Would you please leave my store?

GWWFP: Ok, I'll leave. But you'll be hearing from me again. Here, I'll leave my card in case you change your mind. Also, do you work on Tuesday? Just curious for a totally unrelated inquiry and stuff...

SG: I start work at 6pm on Tuesday.

GWWFP: Ok cool thanks...sucker.

"It was inventive on his part, I'll give him that," Lewis said.

Here that, guy? You can have that. Do you get leniency for being kind of funny?

The business card didn't have anyone's name on it, but the store gave officers surveillance video of the man. Police are looking for him.

Rest easy Longmont, your precious tax dollars are on the job, they'll catch the evil doer! I mean come on. If someone at a store is going to believe a guy telling such an incredibly stupid story, it's really not the guys fault. I mean, obviously the people at this particular store were smart enough not to fall for it. But the guy had to leave without his barely-legal pornos. And isn't that punishment enough?