Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mom Arrested For Being Awesome


In Nevada yesterday, a woman was arrested for being totally awesome.

A 39-year-old woman was arrested last week on suspicion of smoking marijuana with her two teenage children. Douglas County sheriff's deputies said the woman was detained after they responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle. Deputies said the woman told them that she was teaching her son to drive, but they smelled marijuana emanating from the vehicle.

Look, I know this isn't the greatest parenting choice in the world. You can have that. But if you are one of the many thousands of people who believe that pot is just as innocuous as the very legal alcohol, this isn't really any worse than giving your kid a glass of wine with dinner, is it? I mean, I guess this is more like giving your kid a glass of wine while you teach him how to drive, but like I said, not the best parenting choice.

The suspect's son, whose age was unavailable, and 14-year-old daughter told deputies they had shared two bowls of marijuana with their mother.

Full disclosure: I had a friend in high school whose mom smoked pot with us. We used to go to his house and smoke pot and drink, and totally keep it on the down low. We thought we were totally awesome, which I guess could be the result of being 15 and really naive. Because then one day we're there and his mom breaks out a joint and asks for a light. Me and my friends immediately thought, "Wow! This is the coolest lady alive!" I wound up losing touch with the kid and have no idea how he turned out, so I guess I'm not really the best authority on the subject. But seriously, I don't smoke pot anymore, but I'm all for the legalization of it. Mainly because I love to see white kids with dreadlocks. I mean, I understand that it's illegal, but isn't that just because people are dicks?

That would be berbalerbs, if pot were legal... I mean shit, they filmed most of that short on our college campus!

The woman was booked into jail Tuesday on charges of child endangerment, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and possession of a drug.

I mean really though, child endangerment? What's the worst that could have happened, he drives 15 miles an hour and still freaks out that he's going faster than the speed of light? Because man have I been there. I mean, at least it's not snorting heroin, right?

The 14-year-old was released to Child and Protective Services, while the boy was placed in juvenile detention.

What? Why was one released to CPS and the other sent to juvey? Was the older one her dealer or something? That shit's wack son! Anyway, I guess the moral here is don't give your kid pot while teaching him how to drive. Kids learning to drive suck. They are bound to draw to draw attention to themselves, so try not to hot box your car. Though I guess the real moral here is if you're going to smoke pot with your kid, don't get caught, asshole.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

And Finally, A Cologne for You Chubby-Chasers Out There

Are you a man who is completely and overwhelmingly attracted to great big fat women? Are you having trouble seducing these rotund Aphrodites? Pheromones not attracting these large babes the way say... the enticing aroma of meat might? Well cheer the fuck up Charlie, because you are in luck this holiday season. To coin what I'm sure will become an immensely popular phrase, flame on!

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart — according to Burger King — may be through a new meat-scented body spray.

Of course, it's a treacherous path to said heart, filled with lipids and blockage from all that flame broiled deliciousness, not to mention all those
cheesy tots. But seriously. Let's all take a step back and drink that in for a minute. A meat-scented body spray. Meditate on that.

While fast-food chains aren't exactly best known for selling signature fragrances, on Sunday The Home of the Whopper rolled out a men's body spray called Flame by BK. The 5-ml bottles are available for sale in Ricky's stores in New York City and on a dedicated Web site, firemeetsdesire.com.

That's right. Fire meets desire. If someone can explain that to me, I would greatly appreciate it. My question is this - has this been rolled out to garner attention from assholes like me? So that it will be purchased solely as a novelty, joke-type item? Does it really smell like meat? If so, is there a disclaimer about using this body spray in the woods and on camping trips and such?

If you're salivating for a chance to marinate yourself in flame-broiled flavor, relax: The experience can be yours for just $3.99 — a small price to pay for some seriously mouthwatering mojo.

That's right chubby-chasers. This shit is all for you. Because this shit:

Would never fucking happen. ...or would it?

"My assumption when I heard about it was that it would smell like french fries and burgers," said Luis Bejaran, 24, who manages a Ricky's store on Eighth Street in Manhattan. But, he said, that wasn't the case. "It's a combination of Axe body spray, TAG and this YSL cologne I have. It's one of those scents that's not sweet, and light at the same time."

So... it smells nothing like meat? Now I'm just flat-out confused.

While Bejaran said he would be certainly be willing to set his body a-Flame, his female co-workers were not so sure about its meaty merits. "It's not the best choice for a man," offered one.

My guess is that if he's managing a Ricky's, his body is already quite flaming enough as it is, thank you very much. Stupid easy jokes aside, His female coworker is probably not a huge fat pig, which is why she is sooooo not the right person to ask about this. Sell this shit in the south, not NYC, you guys are totally shooting for the wrong demo here.

Still, as of Wednesday afternoon Bejaran says the store had sold at least 10 bottles, and plenty more people had stopped in or called to inquire about it. Many were drawn in by the store's window display, which currently features "the Burger King guy, half-naked," said Bejaran. Only four Ricky's stores were lucky enough to get the "King" special window treatment, however.

See, I would absolutely want one of those window treatments, as they are hilarious:

The cologne itself, however? Not so much. Also, how many fucking Ricky's are there, if only 4 were lucky enough to get the 'royal' window treatment? How many Ricky's do we need, really?

It's true that the reclining, vaguely nauseating Burger "King" does not make for the sexiest spokesperson, but his appeal, like the fragrance itself, may lie in its ridiculousness.

"Yes, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of our cologne should be something vaguely nauseating. That is precisely what we were going for." Though to be fair anyone who would wear the cologne or anyone who would be attracted to someone wearing the cologne, is in all likelihood, at the very very best, vaguely nauseating.

It's Like Looking into the Future

If there's 2 things that Berbalerbs loves, it's hip-hop and paying underage boys for sex. If there's three things Berbalerbs loves, it's hip-hop, paying underage boys for sex, and church choirs. Madame Ruby was kind enough to peer into the future for a few hundred dollars, and apart from providing me with the location of my missing bicycle (Texas here I come!), she also conjured up this vision of Berbles' future.

video found on theinternetisterrible (largely nsfw)

Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing... Or Don't... I Could Just Hop Off...

So up in Buffalo NY, an inventor has come up with a brilliant way to cease expensive stops at local stations for non-stop express trains. The stroke of genius? Letting people off without stopping the train!

IF RAILROADS generally adopt a plan suggested by Rupert Wales, a Buffalo, N. Y. inventor, passengers on non-stop express trains will be able to get off and on at small wayside stations while the train rushes past at top speed. This feat will be accomplished by the use of a mono-rail transfer car, according to Mr. Wales.

I can't really see any downside to this... people in general are smart and capable enough as to where this shouldn't be a problem of any sort. Honestly though, you really might as well just slow the thing down a tad and let people jump off. If I may relay an anecdote here - I used to have to take the train to high school. I lived too far from it to get a bus, so the good Ol' LIRR took me to school every day. The trains on our line were old diesel trains. I mean very old. And often very crowded. This meant a lot of mornings spent sitting between cars. Now here's the thing about these old trains. Often, the doors were not exactly in proper working order. In retrospect, I have no clue how these fucking trains were legal. Anyway, there was an occasion where the door happened to be wide open, and a friend of mine and I were between cars. The train was pulling into the station, and this friend decided it would be funny to try and safely jump from the (fairly slow) moving train. This resulted in him tumbling several feet, knocking over several commuters waiting to get on to the train, multiple wounds, and endless hilarity. In light of this proposition from Mr. Wales, I would be willing to wager this exit strategy is infinitely less dangerous than the one he has proposed.

this little girl is dead now. are you happy, rupert?

Could you imagine an old woman trying to move from one (insanely fast) moving train onto another? I can, and it fucking rules. Picture it. Yea, there you go, you insensitive fuck, that poor old lady! Stop thinking about that shit, asshole! Anyway, how would this even work, Rupert.

This car is an electrically driven coach running on a mono-rail alongside the track on which the express train runs. The passengers board the transfer car, which accelerates rapidly as the train approaches until the speeds of the two are equal. The monorail car is then automatically clasped to the side of the Pullman, passengers get on and disembark from the train, and when all is in readiness the transfer car disengages itself from the train and slows down, returning to the station under its own power.

Yup, foolproof. Imagine a family of 5, with a mother holding two small children trying to move from one train to another, at 75 mph, while one of the older kids is throwing some kind of shit fit and generally being a doucheface. You don't think, aside from all of the accidents waiting to happen, there isn't going to be some temptation on a frustrated parent's part, to just give the little fuckstick a little shove? "Oh my god what happened?! He just fell! Now I only have these other two children I could barely provide for to begin with! How will I ever recover from this oh thank you so much, Shortline, for these millions and millions of dollars I'm to receive in compensation!"

Come on. You'd do it. You shitty person you. Who are you trying to kid?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hey Bobby, Remember a Few Weeks Ago You Asked Me What "Irony" Meant?

From Yahoo News:

US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico

"You see, ladies and gentlemen, the key to avoid being kidnapped is to always stay alert. Take me, for example. I practically sleep with one eye open. I know about things going down ACROSS THE ATLANTIC. I am always (phone rings)-- excuse me for a second, folks.

(Into phone) Y'ello? Delivery? For me? I didn't know anyone knew about my trip to Mexico. Huh. Right outside the building I'm in? Black van? Ok, seems-- heeeey, how do you know what building I'm in? Oh yeah? Google Maps can do that? Alright, I'll be right out. (hangs up)

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll excuse me I just have to run out and grab something from someone in a black van. When we return, I'll tell you about all the horrible stories I've hear about people who get kidnapped. Five minute break!"
A U.S. anti-kidnapping expert was abducted by gunmen in northern Mexico last week, a sign of just how bold this nation's kidnapping gangs have become.
Or a sign of how bad this dude is at his job. Y'know. Just saying.
U.S. security consultant Felix Batista was in Saltillo in Coahuila state to offer advice on how to confront abductions for ransom when he himself was seized, local authorities said.
When asked if they'd re-schedule Batista's talk when/if he was rescued, local authorities said they'd "think about it" while making a dismissive wanking motion, and then asked us not to point out that they were wanking while saying it.
"We have notified the FBI and Mexican authorities, and they are working on the case," [Texas cop]LeBlanc said Monday. "What we are doing is we're offering our support to the family and hoping for the best."
I guess I didn't really have to add in the fact that he's a Texan if you read that second sentence clearly. Just to clarify:

"What we are doing is we're" = "We're"

Y'know. Just to sorta save time. I'm hoping the journalist who wrote this article started to correct LeBlanc's statement to make it sound like he wasn't a total fuckwit, and then decided "ah, fuck him, he's Texan" and left it as is.
A story in the December issue of the trade magazine Security Management describes how Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family at times.
Emphasis mine. Complete flabbergastery without any explanation his. I'm going to guess that "cooking the family" is some sort of ransom term that means...gonna go ahead and Google that, gimme one second...

Oh. That makes sense.

Mark Stevenson (author of the piece) did mean cook as in "prepare food."

He just didn't finish his sentence...in this version of the article...Uber fucking weirdly, he's got this same article on Federal News Radio WFED (I haven't the strength nor time to insert a K-FED joke. Why don't you go 'head?) and he's quoted as saying
Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family meals at times.
Ohhhhhhhh. So in the article for Yahoo, he just missed a few words at the end of perhaps the most insignificant sentence one can ever hope to write in an article containing words. He was such a good negotiator that he would...occasionally whip up some empanadas while trying to figure out how to get Pablo back? I mean what the fu--
He advised the family during months-long negotiations that eventually reduced the ransom request to about a third of the original amount the kidnappers had demanded.
--dgecake?! Huh? Oh. Oh, well that is pretty good. Can you imagine that?

BadGuy159370: Geev us de monee an' we don' keel dee girrrrrrl (What? They're Mexican. Don't look at me like that!)

GimmeBackMySelf: Leesten-- ahem, listen. We want the girl back. And we want to give you some money for her it's just--

BadGuy159370: Eees jus wat?

GimmeBackMySelf: 30 grand is alot...I mean...have you really given her a good look? Not exactly the next Penelope Cruz, amiright? AMIRIGHT? Imright.

BadGuy159370: Penelope Cruz isn't even Mex--

GimmeBackMySelf: The offer on the table is ten dollars, American.

BadGuy159370: Tain Doh-lars?!?!

GimmeBackMySelf: American, yes.

BadGuy159370: Oh das boolsheet, I keel de girrrrl now!

GimmeBackMySelf: Ok, ok, how about ten...thousand dollars?

BadGuy159370: Wail, da ees a lot bayder dan jur las' oh-fer. I take eet!

Y'know what this all kinda reminds me of? Remember that movie with Denzel Washington and fuckin' Marc Anthony where--
The seizure seems to echo the plot of a 2004 movie, "Man on Fire," in which Denzel Washington played a U.S. security consultant who takes on Mexican kidnappers and is abducted himself.
Way to steal my thunder, COCK. And Denzel isn't exactly "abducted himself" like this Batista guy sounds like he was. Denzel first, you know, killed every goddamned member of some big kidnapping group and then finally after he killed like 40000000000 people by shoving grenades up their asses (if you haven't seen this movie it's pretty kickass) he finally gives himself up in exchange for the kid he was protecting the whole movie, like, 10 minutes before he was going to die anyway. So, y'know, not exactly a mirror image, but whatevs.
Blah blah blah some web site posted some shit blah blah blah or whatever
And then:
The company denied local media reports that Batista was a former FBI agent, and warned those reports could put his life at risk.
So I went ahead and published it everywhere I could. 'Cause I'm Mark fuckin' Stevenson. And ya know what I say? FUCK Texas!

What's that? He's not? Originally from Arizona. Huh.

Oh well, FUCK Arizona too!

Letters to Santa

So as Christmas time approaches, there are various charities that do things like take children's letters to Santa and respond to them, or buy them the presents they're asking for, etc. Well it turns out a good buddy of mine works at the post office. So he was kind enough to steal several letters to Santa, and we here at the Gallimaufry decided to answer these letters, just in time to spread some holiday cheer. Without further ado, here are some letters to Santa, and our responses to them.

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter from prison. Paducah Penal Institute has recently instituted a pen pal program in which we are required to write letters to people and try and start up some semblance of a relationship with a person on the outside. The corrections officers recommended someone we love. A family member, a friend, whomever. Having murdered all of these people with several pounds of C4 at last years Yom Kippur atonementganza, I have decided to write my letter to you. I hope this letter finds you well, and if you do happen to decide to swing by this jail cell on Christmas morning, well I'd certainly appreciate some jenkem under my toilet.


Saul Costelman.

Dear Saul,

I gather from your letter that you are a Jew. Now, far be it from me or any of my elves to stick it to minorities (how many Santas are there? I'm like the ultimate minority!), but you already have 8 days of gifts, which I'm sure where you are come in the form of beatings and forced sodomy. Perhaps Saul, should you ever take a trip to Damascus, then we can talk. Until then, Shalom!

Kris Kristoferson Kringle.

Dear Santa,

My name is Bernie Kimbel. I am 8 years old. I want The Dark Knight and Iron Man on Blu Ray. I also want a PS3 so I can watch the blu ray dvds and I also want the dark knight and iron man toys so I can play with them while I watch the movies. I also want you to take my little sister and put her in a tree in the middle of the ocean so I don't have to see her stupid face any more. She smells and likes stupid barbies and dora toys. Please don't give her these toys so I can laugh in her face with Batman and Iron Man.

From Bernie Kimbel.

Dear Bernie,

No hi how you doing? Straight to business with you huh. First off, isn't 8 too young to be watching the Dark Knight? What the fuck is wrong with your parents? I want you to wrap your fist up as a present to mom and dad, and when they open it, punch them directly in the face and say that that's from Santa, for raising such a little rotter of a son. Why don't you try not being a complete shitstain to your sister? How about this, I give your sister a bunch of Barbies and Dora toys, and then I have my reindeer shit in a box and give that to you? God I hate kids.

Santacrest out.

Dear Santa,

My name is Herman Starksaddle (But you knew that didn't you!). I know you see me when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, but I hope this year you have heeded my warning last year that you take your eyes off me for the entire hour of 9pm to 10pm while Heroes is on. I know last year you felt it your duty to not give me the gift of being out of my parents house, and that's fine. 35 is the new 20. I would have appreciated at least a gift certificate to the electrolysis place though. Having massive amounts of back hair coupled with all of the acne on my back has made it a bit tough with the ladies, if you know what I mean (sometimes Hayden Panettiere is not enough! nomnomnom!). Anywho, this year, in addition to the lightsabers and Indy 4 Blu Ray, I would really appreciate some ointment for these rashes. I can't go out in public like this! The insides of my rectum are on FIRE! Nothing merry about anything coming down this chimney, I can tell you that much. Anyway, hopefully you'll come earlier than you did last year (I waited and waited but I ate the cookies and drank the milk). Anxiously awaiting your return!


/lights letter on fire


Dear Santa,

I am a 9 year old girl in Texas and all I want for Christmas is to have my uncle stop molesting me.

/tugs collar awkwardly

/forwards letter to police

/after careful consideration, refuses to touch with a 10 foot pole.

Monday, December 15, 2008


So as you may already know, I'm in a bit of a...mood, especially when it comes to anything relationship-y. I glare at couples that get all PDA-y on the subway. I change the channel when I see a romantic movie on TV. I shy away from hanging out with my couple-friends.

I curse the shit out of 9 year olds who think they've got this "girls" thing figured out. Y'know. Little of this. Little of that.
He's only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.
In light of recent events, I'm not exactly the expert on "the ladies," but let me unequivocally tell you that NO, no this little fucktwat doesn't know plenty about "pleasing the ladies." And if he does, his parents should be arrested. Fucking pervs.
Alec Greven's dating primer, "How to Talk to Girls" - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.
Ok ferreals? I know this is all just as fucking adorable as all get-out, and good for him and all this, but if I ever see this kid I'm going to boot him like I'm trying to make a game-winning 54 yard field goal with 0:03 left on the clock in the Super Bowl.

In a related story, I'm not bitter.
The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off,
WRONG shitstain! Bitches love it when I do a forward round-off for them in the club. Having done multiple years of gymnastics as a child is SEXY to the ladies and so not gay that it literally, physically hurts.
go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate
Well...ok. I mean I guess this is how a 9 year old would say "don't love these ho's." So yea...I'll give him this one.
- and be wary of "pretty girls."


Ok so fine, that's another valid point. I'm still all like, "fuck this kid." Not in the literal sense though. That's fucking gross. You pervert.
"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three.
Ooo, ooo, um, also? Um, they're also fucking physically attractive dipshit! And maybe it changes through the years, or from locale to locale, because big earrings and fancy dresses around the greater New York area, don't necessarily guarantee "pretty:"Although she did have a show where a bunch of assclowns competed to get with her, so maybe she's doing something right.
"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."
YEA BUDDY, NOW WE'RE FUCKIN TALKIN!!! Yea, they need a LOT of "oil," hehehehehe amiright amiright amiright? Imright.

Sorry what? Simile inferring being "high maintenance?" Oh. OHHHHH...ok. Makes sense. I was just about to be all, "a little young for the 'fucking' analogies, aren't we?" but, so yea. Pretty girls are high maintenance. This kid isn't a total Trig Palin.
The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."







Hi there, everybody! Brent Cocklog here. Long time no see! Ahem, our dear friend and my co-worker Berbalerbs just ran by my desk crying and mumbled something about "finish my blog" or "pretty girls" or "I'm gonna end it" or maybe all three or something but hey! Here I am! Let me just catch up with all of you and read what we have so far...



Hehe, bitter much? But whatever, let's keep stompin' on the 9 year old.
As for his how-to, he concedes, "I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore."
And there you have it. 9 year old's logic > Huge National Publisher Harper Collins' logic
But with classic plain-spoken advice - like "comb your hair and don't wear sweats" - it's no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.
So...let me get this straight...this is a book that hypothetically parents will buy for their 8 and 9 year olds...so that the children...can learn how to effectively tapdatass? 'Cause if you're trying to reach adults, you're going to have to do WAAAAAAYY better than "comb your hair and don't wear sweats." I mean, for starters, you can go research and write about which roofies are the hardest to trace? Huh? Now that's relationship advice I can get behind...




He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple "hi."
Now this is where he is actually very similar to adults who, you know, have actually dated before and have any fucking business writing books like these. They all say this. "Just say hi." "Just walk on up and say, 'Hi! I'm Brent!'" AND FUCKING THEN WHAT, CAPTAIN TAINT?!? Just stand there like a fucking labatomy post-op, waiting for her to say "wow, your candor and forwardness makes me really curious as to what your dick tastes like!"

At this point we get it. Pick-up lines, in the traditional sense, are corny. They come off sleazy, and nobody (especially not that fine-ass chick you just strolled up to) finds them funny. It is better to just go up to someone and introduce yourself. That isn't really the problem. Maybe it's difficult for us to muster up the courage to walk up to a girl we find attractive, but we know how to walk up to them and I'm pretty sure a healthy majority of us are comfortable by now with how to introduce one's self, but THEN WHAT? And if you don't have an answer, fine, but stop treating this "just say hi" shit like it's a complete answer. It's not.
As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. "I'm a little too young," he confessed.
"Although," he added, "certainly not too young to write about the subject as an expert and expect people to pay money for my writing. I'm definitely experienced enough for that."
Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for "kind of old" people, who are 15 or 16.
I'm kinda starting to see why Berbalerbs ran screaming.
Alec - who just finished a children's book on the Watergate scandal
Well, whoopdee fuckin-- really? He wrote about Watergate? Hm. I wonder if it was from the perspective of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein or that of Nixon and his cronies...I mean, FUCK THIS KID!

Not literally, of course. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

Dr. Pemulis's 100% Natural Good Time Family Subway Solution: The Imaginary Hero

It's been a while since our last installment of my good time family subway solution, but this really stuck in my craw this morning. I'm sure we've all been in subways that resemble this before:

Naturally, this is unpleasant for all parties involved. However, most considerate and decent people try their best to make sure that you are not obnoxiously bumping into someone or doing anything particularly annoying, so as to make the ride as tolerable as possible for everyone on the train. Not so this morning. A fairly crowded train in this morning (it takes me 3 - sometimes 4 - trains to get to the office). So there's a woman a couple of feet from me, and the train is a bit shaky, as trains tend to get. Now, she is swaying a bit, and her purse continually knocks into me. I'm sure you've all been there. It's not a huge deal, not the end of the world to be sure, but it is fucking. annoying. I have nowhere to move to, and she could very easily take half a step forward and avoid hitting me with her goddamn bag every with every downbeat the subway takes. Begin transmission from brain:

Say something bitch. I bet you think it's my fucking fault that your purse keeps hitting me. Fucking say something you stupid cow. Say something and I will fucking throw you in the gap and make sure your stupid whore face gets run over. Bet it would be an improvement. Fuck you and your stupid ugly purse. Bet you have like a thousand dildos in there you ugly would be slut. Move you fuck! Take half a goddamn step that way so your purse stops fucking hitting me. I know you can fucking feel it, just fucking move. Why are you hell bent on having me destroy you with my mind. MURDERMURDERMURDERMURDER. Come on bitch, say something so that I can explain politely how it's your fault and then end the sentence by politely suggesting you fuck yourself on a railroad spike while the rest of the subway car cheers me on like the hero that I am. Standing up for the imprisoned everywhere. We won't take your shit anymore!!!

Her(hitting me again): Excuse me.

Me: Oh, sorry (steps awkwardly to left).

Brain: Bitch. Lucky she didn't say anything. Just sayin' excuse me. Man, fuck you. Lucky you didn't try and start some shit, because man did we have some shit to say.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Hey, shut up, title of my blog!! Why you always gotta be so hurtful?

So ok, before I start pouring you all a cup of downer juice (now with REAL strawberrys!) I want to update our loyal readership (what's good Pem??) on a story I began to tell in an earlier blog.
Maybe [I'm mad] at the bartender last night for mixing my rum and cokes so strong that I woke up this morning an hour and a half late while still fully dressed in my clothes from the night before and later learned that I had to be dragged-- literally dragged-- out of the bar and have no recollection of my trip home. (Thanks to Pem and Kramez for the assist).
Now why would I stop telling a story that began like that?? Well, because I wasn't cognizant for the remainder of it.

What Berbalerbs Thought Happened When He Returned Home: Went to sleep.

What Actually Happened Upon Berbalerbs's's Arrival Home: He saw his next door neighbor, chilled for a while, realized he had lost his fucking phone and then his neighbor kept calling it until a cabbie picked up and returned it (to which a plasteredfaceded Berbalerbs awarded by giving him $10). Then apparently B wanted a little more substance to the evening. The green substance that happens to have some side effects if you happen to light it on fire, to be exact. So let's just say we have "people" who are most helpful in situations such as these, and some...substance was attained. And apprently a LOT of it was consumed (I should pause here and let you know that besides it being fucking HILARIOUS that I did all of this whilst blacked out, this particular piece of news was glorious to hear, because I had been walking around all day mad at myself for "losing" $50). Then I insisted that I wanted to lay vocals for a song we'd been working on (hehe, "we'd," hehe) and obviously that was an epic FAIL. All in all, I apparently was up for like 2 more hours than I thought, made some purchases, tried to record something, and retrieved the phone that I wasn't aware that I lost.

Funny stuff right? Right. Now let's talk about how I got dumped last night, in a piece I'd like to call

Fuck You, Facebook Relationship Status. Fuck You Right in The Eye.

So I'm at my place, and I just finished hearing the hilarious antics of blacked-out me. I'm down in the kitchen getting some snacks. I'm happy the work day is over.

Then I get a text from my girlfriend.
hey can we talk?
Eesh. Doesn't sound like great news. Called. Turns out, it wasn't great news.

Now I'm not going to go over the fine points of why it happened. I'm not really 100% sure why it did, and I'm not in the position nor the mood to speculate. The break-up was very much the "it's not you it's me," and I do appreciate that she did it as opposed to letting it drag on when she wasn't into it. Still, it sucks pretty fucking bad.

So I'm trying my best to process this whole thing (kinda came out of nowhere...either that or I have to step my "noticing the obvious" game up), and it something occurs to me.

A chill shoots up my spine.

Meer days before, I did something that I will never ever do again ever in my life ever again ever in my life ever again ever. Ever. Never. Ever. Again in my life. Ever.




In my life


I changed my fucking Facebook Relationship Status to "In a Relationship."




In my life. Again. Ever.

There is a new line of thinking in this "Web 2.0" world, that nothing, NOTHING is a more official indicator of the level of seriousness of an individual's social status than the fucking Facebook Relationsip Status. I mean, you must be really fucking serious to click on that little pencil icon near your personal information and choose an option from a drop-down menu on a social networking website usually used for "Pimp Fighting" friends and family.

We (girl and I) had been exclusive and pretty serious for a while (not terribly long, we had dated for 3 or 4 months and been really serious for like 6 weeks or something), but I had waited to "make the big move" (aka change my relationship status on facebook) in fear that I would change the status, and then something would happen and then I'd look like a big loser-faced loser because I had to change it right back. Phew, glad that didn't happen!

The reason for my trepidation? Well, this has happened to me before. Fairly recently actually. With the last girl I was in a relationship with. I think I'll look back at 2008 as the year "Love Took a Steaming Dump On My Face." The last one was a whole other set of circumstances (and thank GOD-fully I didn't change my status last time), but long story short, literally a day after I finally got the balls to be straight with this girl and tell her I cared about her and wanted to be exclusive and wanted to be her boyfriend (which she seemed very happy about), she avoided my calls for a week and finally called me and dumped me.

Now that SUCKED. But at least it wasn't presented neatly to all of my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, some total strangers, and a few camera-phone whores who want 10,000 friends by 2009. At least it wasn't the 800 lb. gorilla in the room to basically EVERYONE I KNOW.

Maybe that's why it's seen as such an official thing. This is how we communicate anymore. I have friends who won't answer a phone call, but when I follow up with a text, they hit me back immediately. I have friends who won't answer any method of phone communication but will respond to a Facebook message within 10 minutes of my sending it. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is: I have friends (REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU HEAR FROM PEM! THAT GUYS A DOUCHE!).

So I did it. I just got rid of the whole "Relationship Status," and I guess I'm wondering why I ever decided to show it in the first place. Maybe it's because 2008 really hasn't been a bad year for me at all, and for most of it I was available, and maybe I just wanted all those camera-phone whores to know I was available.

Well, thanks for letting me waste your time. I'll try and find a story about someone hitting someone else with a dildo or a good video of a nut-shot before the days end.

Peace bitches.


This is not Scott Wagar. But I imagine him to look at least something like this. Who is Scott Wagar, you are most assuredly asking yourself. Well I'll tell you. He's an old man who was sick of teens TPing his house. So he shot them... with fox piss.

A 50-year-old man who told authorities he was fed up with teens toilet-papering his house decided to defend his property — with a squirt gun filled with fox urine.

WIN. If you are the kids who were toilet papering his house, you have to tip your cap and move on, right? He wins, hands down.

Now, Scott Wagar is in trouble with the law.
Wagar pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Kandiyohi County District Court to misdemeanor assault and other charges. He was released on personal recognizance.

WHAT?! They were toilet papering his house! Self defense motherfuckers! This man should be cleared of all charges and issued a metal immediately. How could he be any more bad ass?

According to police, Wagar was on his property Sept. 16 when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he told them to leave, swore at them and sprayed them with the fox urine. He also allegedly struggled with one of the teens.

That's right. That's how. Night vision goggles? Are you kidding me? This guy is awesome! What did the cops say, "You're under arrest for being 150% amazing" ? Guess what. Those stupid kids had it coming.

It's weird. As a young person, I pretty much unabashedly hate old people, but I know that before long I will be the crotchetiest old man who ever lived, and will then hate young people will a burning white-hot passion, but I can't help sitting here thinking that both mes are one hundred percent correct.

Thursday, December 11, 2008



Joe the Plumber ‘angry’ McCain backed bailout

I don't know who I'm mad at right now, but I'm fucking MAD.

Maybe it's at Joe Wurzenfucker for not realizing he is a moot point now.

Maybe it's at the mainstream media for treating this jackass like he's anything more than a closeted racist whom John McCain referenced while grasping at straws during an ultimately failed campaign.

Maybe it's at the bartender last night for mixing my rum and cokes so strong that I woke up this morning an hour and a half late while still fully dressed in my clothes from the night before and later learned that I had to be dragged-- literally dragged-- out of the bar and have no recollection of my trip home. (Thanks to Pem and Kramez for the assist).

Regardless, get ready for a lot of cursing. Like, a fucking LOT of it. Let's begin.
Turns out that "Joe the Plumber" isn't such a big fan of John McCain after all.
Y'here THAT, 'Merica?? It turns out that some jagballs in the midwest who was referenced (not even by his full name) in a Presidential Debate by the guy who lost the fucking election isn't such a big fan of the guy who referenced him!!! If you are a journalist and this is your opening sentence, and you decide to continue writing the article, you should be drawn and quartered on Pay-Per-View television.
[Wurzelfucker] said he was appalled by the Republican presidential candidate's reasons for supporting the government's $700 billion bank rescue plan, and he said they nearly caused him to abandon McCain.
ABANDON HIM HOW?? It's over, the election is fucking OVER. You lost!!! Are they, like, lovers? Is that how Joe the Retard is going to abandon him? Are they both stranded in the Himalayas right now, and John McCain broke a leg and Joe said "I'll never leave you," to which McCain replied "I'm supporting the bailout," at which point Joe went silent, slowly stood up, took a few steps away, and then decided to go back?
Samuel J. Wurzelbacher said he asked McCain why he voted for the bank bailout and was stunned by some of the answers.
Yea. His first name isn't really Joe. And he isn't really a plumber. So, "Sam the Queef" is actually more accurate. You know what "stunned" me, "Joe?" When you agreed with some cunt blister's assertion that "an Obama presidency would mean a death to Israel," during a pathetic "press conference" you held in your little Bumblefuck town. It's bad, really bad when a FOX News anchor berates you for supporting a conservative.
Wurzelbacher, who endorsed McCain a week before the election and joined him on the campaign trail, didn't say exactly what set him off, hinting that would be in his book that is due out this month.
Yes. Yes that's correct. His book. His fucking book. This fucking clueless NOBODY who was a name of interest for a whole fucking week wants you and I to shell out our hard-earned money so that we can read a book that I GUARANTEE YOU HE DIDN'T WRITE about his week traveling with some dude who wanted to be president but was unsuccessful in his attempt.
He said the only reason he didn't get off the McCain bandwagon was "because the thought of Barack Obama becoming president scares me even more."
To which he added, "n*****."

Oh, and as a fucking HUGE surprise to no one, he loooooves him some Sarah Palin.
"It disgusts me on how often they try to bash her just for her sincerity," he said. "She really wants to work for America."
Yes, Joe the Fuckface. That's the reason people tried to bash her. For her sincerity. Not because she was as qualified to be vice president as my left nut is(actually, my left nut is and always has been aware that Africa is a continent, so...), not because she obviously had no idea what she was doing and looked like a deer in headlights, not because she was a hokey Howdy-Doody motherfucking PR move with a knocked up daughter, a kid named fucking Trig and a eunic for a husband. We bashed her for her sincerity. Just like we bash you for being so sincere, Sam the Author.

He's Got a New CatFace!

I'd be lying if I said this post wasn't an excuse to put up cat face videos, so I figure I might as well admit it right up front. I saw this story and immediately thought "a perfect excuse for cat face videos." Anyway, apparently a vet reattached a cat's face.

Me-ouch! Veterinarians on Tuesday performed an unusual surgery to reattach the face of a cat they believe was injured by a car's fan belt, probably because she tried to stay warm under the hood.

Me-ouch indeed. Here's the cat now:

if you'd a killed tony stark when i told you to, you'd still have a face

Edgar, a 4-year-old long-haired feline, went missing from her home in Winthrop for three days last week. When she finally came home, her owner found her in her litter box — with part of her face dangling from her head.

When reached for comment, Edgar said: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.

Anyway, holy fucking shit this is starting to depress me. Either way, apparently the cat's going to be totally fine, so let's just make with the cat face already.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What're You Supposed to Be? The Pig That Stole Christmas?

Let's say you're driving around Orlando, Florida (presumably high and headed to Disney World or sobering up and leaving Disney World) and you run a red light. Soon after, you hear sirens. Fuck.

So you check yourself in the mirror to see if the Visine has taken full effect, practice your best sober rendition of "is there a problem officer?" and wait for the cop to knock on your window.

***Knock knock knock***

"Ahem, um, is there a problem offi--""Merry Christmas!!!"

"Oh. Oh! That's pretty cool, man! Thanks! Merry Christmas to you too! So is this an annual thing you guys do or--"

"Sir, are you aware you ran a red light?"


"You ran a red light, sir. I'm giving you a ticket."

"Um...then why are you dressed up as an elf?"

"SIR! I'll ask you not to take this lightly! Running red lights is a serious infraction and you put yourself and others at risk by doing so!"

"But...but..."Officer hands him ticket

"Happy Holidays sir."


"What did you--"

The Orange County Sheriff's Office [said? reported? either way, sic] the deputies disguised as Christmas characters patrolled a single intersection from 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. Tuesday and dolled out 50 tickets -- each carrying a fine of $201 -- for running red lights
Wow. Well at least this helps dispell the common perception of cops generally being dicks who abuse their power. And disguised as an elf and the Grinch? The fact they're coming out of a police cruiser kinda ruins the surprise. But in all seriousness, there's no other reason to do this other than to be a MASSIVE prick.

"Hey, Bobby I gotta great idea, it'll really get 'em on our traffic patrol tomorrow. See, when we pull over someone for speeding or runnin' a red light or something, we--"

"Gun rape them?"

"No, Bobby. Enough with the gun rape."

"Fine, Dr. Killjoy, what's your idea?"

"We dress up like Christmas characters, right? And so when we pull people over, they'll get the idea that we're spreading holiday cheer!"

"Then what?"

"What else? We fine 'em $200 and ruin their day. But you see, we'll ruin their day worse than usual 'cause we build 'em up before!"

"Sounds good! Could use a little more gun rape in my opinion, but yea, let's fuckin' do it!"
"We just want to keep everyone safe," the deputy dressed as the elf said.
Yes. That's why these buffoons are dressed up in costumes! It...increases the...safeness, I guess?..of the community...um...by...because it...nope. They're just pricks.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Madonna is Insufferable C*nt, PETA is Stupid

Ok, so I guess maybe neither of those two statements are really "groundbreaking," but the article was written by Courtney Hazlett. My Courtney Hazlett.
Shhhh, don't speak...just lay back and-- you did finish the drink I mixed you right? All of it? Goooooood...now shhhh...

Fuss over Madonna's stolen photos isn't over
The brouhaha surrounding the wedding photos [of Madonna and Guy "What the HELL was I thinking" Ritchie] — which were stolen from her Beverly Hills home by an interior decorator — might not be over.
Of course it's not over. Madonna, in her old age, seems to worry less and less about the public is seeing her true personality, and more about just staying in the news literally any way she can.

Every girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs! Why would Madonna need to do anything to be in the news?!? She's frickin' MADONNA!

Name Madonna's last legitimate hit.





Every girl in the history of ever: Um, she kissed Britney that one time on MTV...

That was 2003.




Every girl in the history of ever: Finish your stupid post.

So the basic storyline here, from what I can tell (Courtney's strong suit isn't writing, if you catch my drift...huh? HUH???) Madonna's interior decorator stole some wedding photos from Guy and Madonna's wedding (Sex. Is what I was referring to earlier. When I was talking about Courtney's strong suit.) and later sold them to publications, who...y'know...published them. Then Madonna was all "you can't print those!!" which was completely warranted and understandable.
OK! did print a retraction that reads...“The individual who supplied the photographs to us had no right to do so...photographs were not authorized for publication...OK! is trying to cut a deal with Madonna where she will never appear in the magazine again without approval.”
Ok. Sounds good. They admitted their mistake. They're going to give extremely generous preferential treatment to Madonna from now on. I'll bet you sources close to Madonna will say that this totally satisfied her.
A source close to Madonna says that won't satisfy her
Oh wait. That's right. Madonna's an insufferable cunt. How DARE they print 8 year old photos of an event that has since become a moot point!!!
"Madonna could take them for millions. In this economy, millions could be the difference between staying in circulation or not."
Well, at the very least, Madonna could be elimintating a few hundred jobs, and in this current economic boom we're experiencing this could help rectify the job surplus we currently have in the US.

Moving On,

PETA protests Britney Spears' 'Circus'

If you're wondering, when they refer to 'Circus' they are talking about her new song, not her life.
In the video for her new single "Circus," PETA claims Spears uses "cruelly trained lions and elephants even after PETA wrote to her and explained in graphic detail how trainers shock, whip, and beat exotic animals into performing."
To which Britney replied, "well how the hell do you think I learned the routines?!? Whips work. Period."
PETA is asking fans to contact Spears and demand that she stop blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
I understand what PETA's trying to do here, but they always come off as fucking psychopaths. Like, this is a pretty mild thing for them to do. Usually it's assaulting people or throwing blood on them or tackling models on the runways (because of course they're the masterminds behind the degradation of animals). Have you ever heard anything in the news about PETA accomplishing something? Or, like raising money or saving a whale or some shit? Really, think about that. I'm not saying they've never actually accomplished anything...it's just that they've never actually accomplished anything AND they're stupid.

And that's about it...Courtney follows up with an almost impossibly bland article given that the title is "Emma Watson will go naked," (spoiler alert: Courtney actually means "Emma Watson isn't opposed to going naked in a film, but not any time soon, and only for some random Italian director." So. Yeah. Not too exciting.) and then gives the most pathetic "Celebrity Sightings" list I've ever seen in my life (which I guess isn't a Herculean feat...I've seen like, 4 celeb sightings lists in my life).

The "celebrities:"
Tom Arnold (I shit you not, they started off the list with Tom fucking Arnold)
Illeana Douglas (um?)
Michael Rosenbaum (so apparently Illeana and Michael are on the show "Smallville," as it explains in the article. If you have to explain why someone is famous after their name...they're not famous.)
Rocco DiSpirito (chef who used to have a reality TV show)
Gerard Butler (and his plate of rock shrimp tempura) (that first parenthetical statement was from the article...as in Ms. Hazlett felt it necessary to the story that her readers knew what some dude who I've never heard of was eating...at some point in his life. Idunno, maybe the tempura was supposed to be the celebrity?)
Nick Cannon was spotted (sans wife Mariah Carey) (Woah WTF? When did this happen?!? Isn't Nick Cannon, like, 14 or something???)
Spike Mendelsohn (Top Chef person, may or may not have won)
Former “Desperate Housewives” star Jesse Metcalfe (Former as in, left the show in 2007. Since then his resume includes the films Loaded and Insanitarium. You haven't heard of them either? Ok, good. Thought it was just me.)

Off With Your Head, Egg Toucher!

I remember growing up there was a book in my bathroom about weird laws in the US. I think the title or cover was about donkeys in bathtubs. As a matter of fact, here we go. I remember thinking I was so cool for knowing that you couldn't eat garlic then go into a theater in bumblefuck, wherever. Trying to memorize as many as possible, so as to be able to recite them and seem precocious and funny to company. Luckily, I've forgotten most of that crap. Anyway, you are probably asking yourself what - if anything - this has to do with anything. Don't question my motives, jerkface! I always.have.a.plan. Sure, that plan generally involves peanut butter and unsuspecting neighborhood dogs, but it's a plan nonetheless. That last sentence helps seamlessly segue into my point, apparently England has some weird laws too!

touch these and die, motherfuck!

Britons are forbidden from disturbing packs of eggs and from selling game killed on a Sunday, it was revealed Thursday by an opposition MP who condemned ministers for introducing ridiculous laws.

If there's any time more properly spent than introducing ridiculous laws, it's taking the time to point out these laws in the hopes of getting these stupid and unenforceable laws removed from the books.

The day after Prime Minister Gordon Brown's government laid out its legislative agenda for the coming year, Liberal Democrat lawmaker Chris Huhne noted the stream of sometimes "completely bizarre" new offences it had created.

Well, fine. Some of the things they put in there are stupid. So what? You might be asking yourself. Well, lay it on us, Huhney, what's the rumpus?

Since the Labour party took power in 1997 under then prime minister Tony Blair, it has created 3,600 new criminal offences, Huhne said -- adding this was "massively complicating" the job of police and the criminal justice system.

Yea, it's going to make it extra tough for the bobbies. What do I do if I see someone disturbing a package of eggs? Do I arrest them or do I consider that my time my be better spent elsewhere doing other things that might be slightly more important!? I mean if anything this just provides the coppers more reasons to get to use their night sticks, a measure I'm highly in favor of.

"Some of these offences are completely bizarre -- for example, the offence of causing a nuclear explosion," he told members of parliament (MPs).

What? That actually sounds like a very reasonable thing to arrest someone for... it actually sounds like an incredibly egregious offense, if anything. Please, elaborate in a way that makes little to no sense.

"The idea that anyone might cause a nuclear explosion without killing anybody, and therefore being subject to a possible charge of murder, is extremely far-fetched."

So... the offense brought up is setting off a nuclear explosion but... not killing people? This last sentence makes zero fucking sense and if you think you understand it and can explain it to someone with an IQ well into the 70's, please drop me a line.

Other new offences include "wilfully pretending to be a barrister" [ed: wikipedia says this is some kind of lawyer. I stopped reading like 4 sentences in because who fucking cares], "disturbing a pack of eggs when instructed not to by an authorised officer" and "offering for sale a game bird killed on a Sunday or Christmas day", he said.

As opposed to unwillingly pretending to be a 'barrister', but seriously, isn't impersonating a lawyer actually a pretty serious kind of offense? I don't get half the shit they're talking about. It's like they're half actually ridiculous, and half actual crimes. Make up your mind about what you want considered ridiculous! We can't play Monopoly on the 4 Tuesday of a leap year! And also we can't murder our offspring! Stop these crazy laws!

Huhne accused the government of doing nothing to repeal these laws. Justice minister Jack Straw asked for a full list of the ones the MP wanted removed from the statute books so that he could review them.

Other crimes that are part of the 3,600 that were not mentioned in the article:

No longer are you allowed to take a train and eat it, piece by piece, after you just derailed it with your penis. Even if it's for charity.

Gang rape has been outlawed.

All calculators must remove the number 9. Fuck that number.

If you do disturb a package of eggs, the only way to avoid conviction is to fertilize all of the eggs. If any of the eggs are not fertilized, you will lose a toe.

Those who steal from business establishments will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

All bananas purchased from your local grocer's must have the letter Q lazer etched into the peel.

If you shave your grandmother's head on a day that falls on a prime number, you will be shot in the back of the head, executioner style, by a Chinese man.

If you talk about Fight Club, nothing will really happen. Those first two rules they mention are just scare tactic bullshit. Talk about it all you want, fatshit!

It is considered murder, not abortion, if the fetus is no longer in the womb and is over the age of 6.

The National animal of England will no longer be the Lion, but instead be a spicy taco.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Given: The 2009 American Cancer Society Dogswalk Against Cancer Will Be the Most Important Event in the History of Planet Earth

***In honor of the Dogswalk, and to avoid this article being COMPLETELY Godless and disrespectful, I shall substitute all forms of the "F word" with the word "bark"***

I think it's pretty clear why I'm writing this article: The 2009 Dogswalk Against Cancer is going to be so uncontrollably kickass amazing that it makes me want to punch you right in the barking face. Yes, you.
Here's a pic from last year's party* and this year promises to be more of the same! Only with dogs! And more strobe lights*! Feel like punching someone in the face yet? Of barking course you do!!!
Afterparty, 2007 Dogswalk*

I really don't mean to overstate this*, but the 2009 Dogswalk will be the single greatest moment we as a collective human race will ever/can ever experience and if you're not going to be there you are genuinely a bad person and hell-bound and probably can't get a date because your breath smells and I bet you still have the original Playstation because you're too dumb to earn enough money to upgrade and no one loves you enough to buy you a new console for your birthday or Chrismas or anything and additionally I bet you're bad at sports. FACT:
There will be contests (Dog Owner Look-A-Like, Best Costume)
Yea. That's right. Dog. Owner. Look-A-Like. As in,But a whole barkin' contest's worth.
Doga (dog yoga) demonstrations
Woah woah woah woah woah straight up wait up hold up, Mr. Lover. "Doga?" "Dog yoga?" Well, let's see what Google has for us here...ok, typing in "doga." Alright, we have a "doga" website that's--

Oh my.

Oh. Oh my.

I just-- it's...oh my.
Bark. Yes. If you haven't punched at least 3 people since you began to read this post, the reason is painfully obvious: you are handless. I'm sorry. That must suck. FACT:
[There will be some barkin' ROCKIN] live music by Blue Jupiter and much, much more!
Ladies and gentlemen, Blue Jupiter:AND much, MUCH more! Not just much more. Much more, and then, after that, much more as well...in addition to the...original more, which could already have been considered "much" before more was added to it..."much" more, in fact, you see.

***Punches, like, 20 people, Rocks out on air guitar***

Ahem. But on a more serious note, the Dogswalk won't just be the most awesome event in the history of history, it will also be the most important. Ever. By far.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence? Somewhat important.

Invention of the Printed Press? Could take it or leave it.

Falling of the Berlin Wall? Psssh. That didn't even happen in America.

Dogswalk 2009? Now we're barkin' talking!


This year alone, over 565,650 people are expected to die from cancer. Still a scientific enigma, cancer affects 3,000 new people each year, and through years and years of research, we only know one thing about cancer.

Dogs cure cancer*. Pure and simple.

The Dogswalk will bring together some 7,245,000,000,000,000,000 canines*, and the enormous dog concentration will bring about a total global eradication of cancer...assumedly. If history has taught us anything, it'll probably look similar to the end of Ghostbusters II.

I'm sorry, what? They don't? Oh.

Um...so dogs don't cure cancer.
Ten percent of the net proceeds raised at Dogswalk benefit the AMC cancer clinic.
Ohhhhhhhhh. Ok. So the money raised will go to scientists, and they are the ones who figure out the whole cancer cure thing. I still assume it'll closely resemble the conclusion of Ghostbusters II. Wait, what money?
The registration fee will be $50.00 per person.
Ohhhhhhhhh. But wait. Dogs don't have money.
The dog's owner pays the fee, stupid
Ohhhhhhhhh--Heyyyyy! Watch it, quote that's on my blog.
Put on your shoes and lend us a paw in the fight against cancer
I don't get the reference.




In conclusion: Dogs.

The American Cancer Society Dogswalk will take place at Riverside Park at West 108th Street on May 3rd, 2009. Event begins at 9 AM and concludes at 2 PM. $50 registration fee. For more information, visit cancer.org or shout me a holler...I happen to have an inside hookup to all the action.

* = Not true.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Nope, No Stereotypes Here...

...and I said, "well then I guess that means I'm just happy to see ya!!" Hehehehe get it? "Happy to see ya?" ...I had a boner? Well, anyway, Asians love karaoke, am I right folks? I mean they looooove that stuff, am I right? I mean, they like karaoke so much, they kill ya if you sing more than 3 songs in a row!

Audience Member: That's not funny, taintface!

Sir, I am trying to report the news here. Can you be a little more respectful of the dead? Sheesh.
A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.
I mean, to be fair, this did happen in Malaysia, where I believe the primary export is senseless homicide. So. There's that. But really? This situation escalated to murder??? I mean, turning the sound system off wasn't a viable option?
Abdul Sani Doli[hahahahaha this dude's name is silly as shit! um...God rest his soul -Ed.], 23, reportedly angered some of the customers when he hogged the stage at the bar in Sandakan town on eastern Borneo island.
So they killed him. And not with a gun mind you, not a one-second, possibly moment-of-passion "BLAM!" No. This was a stabbing. As in, these people at a karaoke bar were SO pissed at this dude that after they had successfully removed him from the stage they decided to stab. Then stab. Then stab (cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut). I mean, when you stab a person to death you are all up in their business. Trust me. TRUST me.
He was punched before being stabbed to death with a knife.
Ouch! They punched him? I bet that must've smarted...y'know, before he was murdered to death with a knife. After that I bet it didn't hurt as much, in comparison.

The article concludes with a description of what karaoke is, which pisses me off every time journalists do this.
Karaoke, in which amateurs can sing along to their favourite songs, first emerged from Japan and became hugely popular across Asia during the 1980s, before spreading to other parts of the world.
No fucking shit you shit fucker who fornicates with fecal matter. Although, I guess to be fair, I did go back and re-read the article pretending not to know what the word "karaoke" means, and it was literally the most baffling thing I've ever read in my life.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

If You're Going to Get Robbed In Uganda, You Might As Well Get Laid First

If you're anything like me, you've spent plenty of time on the continent of Africa, having sex with strange women. And so if you're anything like me, you've woken up several times in landlocked countries in Africa, completely naked, wondering where all your possessions are. Well guess what, chump. You got knocked the fuck out. Wondering how? Well, let's just say that motorboat you were on was filled with poisoned fish. Hmm... That might be the stupidest and most poorly executed attempt at a chloroformed ta-tas metaphor ever written. Let's just say that motorboat was booby trapped? Whatever. You got knocked the fuck out by some tit-tays!

Uganda’s police warned men of a ‘booby trap’ after a probe found that a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

Yea, so maybe I stole the 'booby trapped' thing from the article. Sue me [please don't sue me]. Anyway, isn't this rather bond-esque? It seems incredibly elaborate for a simple robbery. Couldn't they just club the guy and drag him somewhere and steal his shit?

Police officers have discovered victims of the attacks naked with all their possessions stolen by the gang, who use the women to lure their prey and rob them when they fall unconscious after intimate activity.

See what I mean? These ladies must be aching for it. Why else would they go through all that trouble. I'm also not exactly sure how this works. Do they at least get laid before all there shit gets stolen? If the lady's cans are soaked in chloroform, how does she not knock herself out? Isn't she breathing that shit in the whole time?

Fred Enanga, a spokesman for the country''s Criminal Investigations Directorate, has warned all men, and particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry more cash than locals.

Man, that must suck. But who the hell is doing business in Uganda anyway? "I was in Uganda for the big multi-media conference and got that old tinglin' in my balls. You won't believe what happened next!" Could you imagine some happily married guy getting caught screwing around because he was robbed by the chloroform knocker gang? I mean, yea. You're obviously a shitty guy if you're cheating with whores in Uganda, but still. "Honey, can you wire me some money? I was robbed." "Oh no! Are you alright?! What happened?!" "..."

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state.
"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him. And the victim doesn''t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing," he added.

They apply the chemical to their chest...then what? Then what!? Give us the juicy details! I want all my news articles related to boobies to read like erotica god damnit!

Enanga added that the police had first came across the practice last year, when they apprehended a thief called Juliana Mukasa, whom he described as "a very dangerous lady."

A very dangerous lady, with two even more dangerous accomplices.

I'd like to end this article by pointing out that whenever stories like this pop up, I wonder if I'm the only one who always imagines these women to be incredibly attractive. I mean, I guess it's just easier for the mind to picture women who are using their breasts as weapons as hot, even though in fact most prostitutes are anything but.

You Can't Arrest Me, My Life's Punishment Enough!!! (Berbalerbs Edition)

A 37-year-old man who lives with his parents was arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon in an attempted attack on his father, according to a sheriff’s report.
That particular publication is INCORRECT in its assessment of the situation that took place in my domicile...rather the domicile of my parental units.

While it is accurate that I did propel a Christmas Tree toward the general vicinity of my father, we were simply playing our annual game of "tree toss," a long-standing tradition in my family ever since I was 17 and I woke up in the middle of the night to my father standing over me hoisting our Christmas Tree into the air and repeatedly slamming the trunk into and around my head and face area. After some reconstructive surgery, father explained he was simply playing "tree toss" and that I had done a substandard job in catching said tree.

Now again, as we've done for the past 20 years, we were playing tree toss and all of a sudden several officers of the law appeared at our front door. This unexpected visit must've sent my father into a tizzy, because he began to scream "that's him officer! Arrest him before he kills me!" The officers (quite understandably) mistook my father's cries and brought me to the floor with extreme prejudice.
According to an arrest report, Lackie lost his temper around 9 p.m. Wednesday and threw a 3-foot-tall Christmas tree at his father.
If my intent were truly to do harm to my father I'd have surely chosen a far easier weapon to wield. After all the tree was 3 feet tall!!! What do I look like, a level 17 Fighter with +7 Constituion and a 3d6 Strength bonus roll in melee conflicts? I mean come on.
The tree missed,
As I've explained on my blog, my wrist has been injured as of late, partially due to exhaustion from...using my wrist...too much. It wasn't my most formidable round of "tree toss" ever, I'll admit.
Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.

Ok, so yea that happened. But he called me a little girl!!! Wait...actually, he made fun of my virginity and my job at Blockbuster Videos, then I tried to hit him with the steel base, then I whimpered when I couldn't lift the base all the way up, THEN he called me a little girl.

Now if you'll excuse me, officer, I've really got to run. On a bit of a deadline, you see. I have to finish the creation of 250 new Sporns by midnight tonight or I'll not be invited to hunt Icetusk Mammoths with the half-elves who work at the Kinkos next to my Blockbuster.


Wait, actually come back...just...just kill me. Just fuckin' kill me!