Smokozuna

I probably deserve to die for that title. Whatevs.

For the first time that sumo wrestling's governing body can recall, one of its revered athletes has been nabbed for drug possession.

Yeah drug possession! What is it, coupla kilos of crack, maybe some black tar heroin, a toilet paper roll's worth of acid tabs maybe a little--

Police arrested [some fat bastard] this week after saying they found a third of a gram of marijuana in his wallet --

Excuse me, what? A third of a gram of marijuana? You fuckin' joshing me? To those of you who don't smoke the wacky tobacky:

1. What the fuck are you doing reading this blog?
2. A third of a gram of marijuana is just enough to get no one on the fucking planet high. Honestly, I probably have a third of a gram of marijuana shavings lining my pockets right now. And I'm not even wearing pants. A message to the...Sumo...Wrestling...League of Whatever-the-fuck: Step your drug-abuse game up. Here. These guys can help.

How is this even a news story? What's the penalty on a third of a gram? 45 minutes in jail, a kick in the shins--

Enough to land him in prison on a diet of forced labor for five years if he's convicted.

Kudos to CNN.com for slipping in a fat joke. Oh, and
WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

Five fucking years in a fucking forced fucking labor fucking prison (fucking)? Excuse me for a moment, will you?

(Erases "Get High in Japan" from Bucket List)

Ok. Where were we? Ah yes, I did a little research on our "little" munchie-inducing sumo, and it turns out he's only like, 335 pounds. Pretty fuckin' weak for a sumo if you ask me. Here he is at his last match getting a fatass-whooping:

Step your fatass game up, son.

So this is the latest in a string of minor sumo offenses being blown way out of proportion, like when current sumo champion BlahblahSomethingJapanese lied about being hurt so he could skip an exhibition match, or when a bunch of sumos allegedly killed a teenaged sumo to death. Well, ok that last one's pretty bad. Point is, all of this negative shit is hurting the ancient, sacred practice of fat men rubbing bellies:

Fewer Japanese boys are entering the tough life of sumo, so the Sumo Association is recruiting foreigners like Wakanoho and Asashoryu.

And most recently, Billy-Bob "Takinakiwakiyahoo" Jenkins from Burnt Corn, Alabama:

He's single, ladies!

Attendance is down at the stadiums, as more Japanese embrace soccer and baseball.

What a shame. More people are turning to sports that require physical prowess, athleticism and actual skill. I'm sorry but any professional sport where this guy can become a champion is just not trying hard enough.