Friday, August 29, 2008

Face Transplant Lets Man Blink and Smile, Though He Still Will Probably Want to Keep His Eyes Closed and Won't have Much to Smile About if He Doesn't

There. Now that I've reach the maximum number of characters allowed for a title, let me just say a couple of things: I'm going to tread pretty lightly here, because this is actually a pretty incredible story, and I'm most assuredly going to hell for the things I'm going to say, but, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

or, put more eloquently,

There. Now, buckle the fuck up kids because here it comes:

Last year, the French team operated on a 29-year-old man with tumors that blurred his features in a face that looked almost monstrous. They transplanted a new lower face from a donor, giving the patient new cheeks, a nose and mouth. Six months later, he could smile and blink.

See, I can appreciate that there were tumors on his face and now there are not. I am beyond happy for him. I... holy shit, 29?!?!? I so regret looking at this article. I actually didn't read much of it before I started writing and assumed he was like, 60 or so and figured, "heck he's probably had a good life" or like, "well he's lived this long with them why bother?". But holy fucking face transplant batman.

The patients were not identified although photos were included in the reports.

Uhmmm... yea. Because you won't be able to pick them out of a crowd or anything...

As is the case with all transplants, doctors use immune-suppressing drugs to prevent the recipient's body from attacking the donated tissue. In both face transplants, the patients started rejecting the transplanted tissue more than once. Their doctors solved the problem by juggling their medications.

The French patient now takes three pills a day to prevent rejection.

The next time someone complains to me, I'm going to look them right in the eyes and say "well at least you don't have to take 3 pills a day so your body doesn't reject that neck vomit you call a face." Then since no one reads this, whomever I'm speaking to will most certainly stare at me, dumbfounded, at which point I'll poke them in the eyes and run away while they're temporarily blinded! Point being, it can't really get worse than that, so thank your lucky stars, right?

"That's less than most people with diabetes," said Lantieri, a plastic surgeon at the Henri Mondor-Albert Chenevier Hospital in suburban Paris.

...I... ok.. "Face transplants! Less work involved than if you'd had diabetes!" "Look on the bright side champ, sure your face looks like you just walked off the set of The Hills Have Eyes, but you won't be taking more than 3 pills and no pricking your finger to check your blood! Who's the big winner?!"

Ugh. I don't even know where to go with this thing from here. I'm skipping around a bit, but here:

Not everyone is convinced that face transplants are so revolutionary.
Dr. Patrick Warnke, a plastic surgeon at the University of Kiel in Germany, calls them a "dead-end road," because he doesn't think the rejection problem can be solved. Instead, he hopes to re-grow tissue from patients' own stem cells.

Gee, stem cells. Those fuckers seem like they would be incredibly helpful to the medical community. Why don't we put more money into that shit? Oh right...assholes.

Doctors plan to do more face transplants, but are having a hard time finding donors.
"Everyone says they would accept a face transplant if they were disfigured," Lantieri said. "The real question is, would you be a donor, or would you allow your family member to donate their face? That is the answer we need to change."

How do you plan on changing that answer though, really. Would you really want your deceased loved ones nose on someone else? Plus, there's always the chance a transplant could make your lives a bit...awkward. That shit's mind-boggling. All I want is to live in a world where this becomes a reality.

Well, I've gotta go. I've got a government job to abuse, and a lonely wife to fuck.

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