Tuesday, August 26, 2008

UPDATE: Crazy Bitch Clones Dog, Not Self (Thankfully)

Alright kiddies, if you've already read this, follow me down to the bottom of the post for more ABSOLUTE FUCKING INSANITY. If you haven't read this post yet, it starts directly beneath this picture of two pitbulls making out. Do yourself a favor: go get you some crazy.

Fuglympic Gold Medal Relay Team poses after Shattering World Fugliness Record

Are you ready for the crazy? I mean really ready for it? You sure? Alright then...

A woman who made news around the world when she had five pups cloned from her beloved pit bull Booger...[is] the same woman who 31 years earlier was accused of abducting a Mormon missionary in England, handcuffing him to a bed and making him her sex slave.
If you're hung-over, or high, or just brain-numbed from your boring, tedious, directionless, thankless, never ending Greek Mythology Torture-esque pattern of inanity that is a 9 to 5 job, I want you to read that quote over again. Let the true batshit craziness of it sink in.

Now I want you to know this: we haven't even gotten to the "pretending to be deaf/mute actors in Ireland to escape the fuzz" part.
Through tears, [Joyce "Fuckin' Looney" McKinney] explained that she went public with her efforts to replicate Booger, who died two years ago, hoping people would be able to focus on that story rather than the "garbage" of the past.

The "garbage" of you shackling up some dude and raping him repeatedly? Yeah, you wasting tens of thousands of dollars to "replicate" your dead dog is WAAAY more news-worthy than that "garbage."

"I thought people would be honest enough to see me as a person who was trying to do something good and not as a celebrity," McKinney said.

If it helps any, I don't think people see you as either. I'm pretty sure you're viewed more as a "crazy fucking bitch." Also, I don't recall ever being "honest enough to see" something. WTF's that even mean?

"My mother always taught me, 'Say something good or say nothing at all."'

Did your mother ever teach you, "Don't rape people?"

"I think I gave people too much credit"

Um...excuse me, miss?

Ahem. Sorry guys. I get a little emotional sometimes. Here. To bring some levity back into the room. Now, where were we? Ah yes, back to the crazy.

It's time to take a deeper look into what happened 31 years ago that made Joyce McKinney the, uh, "celebrity" she is now...

The story of Joyce McKinney is the stuff of pulp fiction: a North Carolina-born beauty queen who moved west, won the title Miss Wyoming USA and went on to college at Brigham Young University, where she became obsessed with a Mormon fellow student.

It should be noted that Ms. McKinney most likely moved to Wyoming to continue her "career" as a "beauty queen" because there are no attractive people in Wyoming. Whatsoever. At all. Thus making it easier for someone who looks like this to win a State Beauty Pageant:

[Insert Sound of Car Crash Here]

It should also be noted that MSNBC's article describes the victim as being "Mormon" every single solitary time he is brought up, like it's a contractual obligation they have with Mormonocity (that's what you call their practice, right?)

[McKinnley] and a male accomplice were accused of abducting the 21-year-old [Mormon] missionary as he went door to door [Mormonly], taking him [and his Mormonic ass] to a rented 17th-century "honeymoon cottage" in Devon and chaining him spread-eagle to a bed with several pairs of mink-lined handcuffs [Mormon].

Mink-lined handcuffs, eh? Well, I guess if you have to be a sex slave, the least you can hope for is to be a stylish one.

But why? Why would someone do such a terrible, traumatizing, torturous thing? Why, love of course!

Joyce McKinney said she'd fallen head-over-heels in love with the Mormon man and acknowledged tracking him to England. "I loved him so much," she told a judge, "that I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to."

So...yeah. Don't really need a smart-ass comment for that one. Moving on...

But she denied a sexual assault, saying the young man was a willing partner.

What I imagine is some naked Mormon dude (no homo) running through the streets of Devon, England with handcuffs and bits of bedposts all over the place screaming something like "AAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGOMYGODHELPMESOMECRAZYBITCHBEENRAPINMEHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP" and he finally found a police officer and explained his case and the cop was probably all "what're you, queer? That sounds awesome," to which the Mormon probably replied:

and the police officer was all "OH GOD NO" and "dude, I'm so SO sorry" and then they found this bitch, and arrested her and she was like "um, he...wanted to?"

AND Ms. McKinney is still harping on the same argument her defense attorneys (unsuccessfully) used three decades ago: the Mormon in question is a big dude.

"I didn't rape no 300-pound man," she said. "He was built like a Green Bay Packer."

Eloquently stated, Joyce. Although, there is the whole thing that he was

Sorry again. You know how I get sometimes...it's only 'cause I love you.

So McKinney and her accomplice go to jail in London for 3 whole months. They are released on bail, and then...for those of you who thought I was joking about the "deaf/mute actor" thing before,

The pair then jumped bail, posing as deaf-mute actors in Ireland to board an Air Canada flight to Toronto and eventually a bus to Cleveland, where investigators lost their trail.

AirCanada Employee: Can I have yer tickets there, eh?

/Joyce and Accomplice stare, silent.

AirCanada Employee: Um, excuse me, but do you two hosers have tickets 'er not, cause...

/More staring, more silence

AirCanada Employee: Aw fer cryin out loud here!

AirCanada Manager: Watch yer language, eh!

AirCanada Employee: Saaaay, yer not those deaf-myoot acters they told us ta look out fer, are ya?

/Joyce and Accomplice shrug, nod.

AirCanada Employee: Well why didn't ya say so! Oop, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA didja here what I just said there, why...didn't...ya...say... ::sigh:: Welp, let's get you ta Toronto, eh?

So Joyce McKinney, dog lover, rapist, and apparent International Crazy Bitch of Mystery disappears into the bustling metropolis of Cleavland, a city so alive, so vibrant, they named pooping on someone's chest after it.

Life went on pretty normally for McKinney (read: she was arrested again for stalking the same poor Mormon, and police found rope and handcuffs in her car and again she found a way to disappear right before her trial) as she tried to cope with the trauma that comes with raping someone...apparently.

"It's taken years of therapy to get past this," she said. "We go to church and serve the Lord and try to lead good lives and do good things."

Years of therapy...for...her? I'm sorry but I've seen Misery, and not once during that film do I think, "man, Kathy Bates's character really has it rough, torturing this dude and keeping him captive. Men are pigs!"

And then...the pitbull cloning. Lotsa mini-Boogers. And from what I can tell through all of the research I've done (including and limited to reading this article), it seems like she wanted it to be a big news story. And I can't imagine that she really thought no one was going to notice who she was...I mean, it's almost like she's...how do you say it...ah yes, crazy as all fucking get-out.

McKinney said that, as far as she's concerned, the Joyce McKinney of 31 years ago doesn't exist. She maintains her innocence and says the woman of all those years ago is a "figment of the tabloid press. ... I don't want that garbage in with the puppy story."

This is EXACTLY why I always end my craigslist personal ads with "No Fatties, No Crazies (but mostly no fatties)."


This bitch makes me want to dance around singing scat while throwing computer monitors at my workplace naked wearing a top hat.

I just want to feel the craziness that is this chick's every day life...even for one fleeting, beautiful moment.

A woman who made headlines by having five pups cloned and was linked to an abduction case in England is also wanted in Tennessee on charges she tried to plan a burglary in 2004, a defense attorney and prosecutors there said.

Pfffft...burglary? Come on, MSNBC...give the people what they want...give 'em the fucking CRAZY:

Authorities said she instructed a 15-year-old boy to break into a house, and [her poor, poor public defendant] Crockett said she needed the money to buy a false leg for a beloved horse.


Now that's some goooooooood crazy. So, let's review...This bitch:

  1. Fell in love at college - Not Crazy
  2. Followed her Mormonic crush to England (unbeknownst to him), hired someone to help her chain him down on a bed and proceeded to rape him until he escaped and ran to the cops. Pleaded not guilty, claimed sex was consensual - Decidedly Fucking Crazy
  3. Jumped bail and fled back to America - Ballsy, but not necessarily crazy...it would depend on how she--
  4. Posed as a deaf/mute Irish actor in order to jump bail via Air Canada - OMFG Crazy
  5. Acquires a horse who somehow loses a leg (kept it chained to the bed a lil' too long, didn't ya, McKinney?) and enlists the help of a 15 year old (that she befriended? bribed with candy? taught about the "birds and the bees?" /throws up a little in mouth) to rob someone for fake horse leg funds? - Championship Quality Fucking Crazy
And then of course, there's the cloning of a dead dog named Booger. Jeez...this bitch is like, exhaustingly insane. I can really picture her sitting in her shanty just dreaming up new crazy-ass highjinks to blow people's minds.

Anyhoo, they find this heifer with a 15 year old in her van and they arrest her, right? And obviously if this bitch is sending little tikes on B&E missions for dough, she can't afford an attorney...welp, that's about the time the cloud started to cover the sun in public defender David Crockett's world. He had landed him a crazy and a--

Hold up. David Crockett? Like Davey Crockett? I wonder if people always sing that song around him?
"Yes, they do, and it annoys the shit out of me," said Crockett.
Right then. Moving along...well it seems as though either through the random fates or a judge's affinity towards buddy comedies, Joyce McKinney was paired up with Crockett, who, judging by his quotes, seems like an English butler circa 1784.

"There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her," Crockett said. "She was a rather bizarre character, and seems to have a strange circumstance now."

Can you imagine these two across the table from each other?

Crockett: Ms. McKinney, it is imperative that your aesthetic presence besuits a lady who's-- I'm sorry, what is that aromatic attrocity?

/McKinney reaches into pants, produces small bit of feces, slams feces onto table, giggles, deficates more

McKinney: Horsey!!!

Crockett: Oh my.


  1. I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to.

    What she meant was that she was only willing to do that. She had to explain that to him repeatedly when he kept asking to be untied.

  2. Crazy or not, I think she was fucking gorgeous... and a genius no less! She was an alpha female going after a beta (or omega) male.