Friday, March 28, 2008
First and foremost, if you are a 37 year old woman, you are too old to have nipple rings. No one should have nipple rings, least of all someone on the brink of cougardom. Nipple rings are not attractive. They are weird, and when viewed make me picture some creepy weird bald, tattooed biker guy jabbing needles into your boobs. Oddly enough, not a turn on.
Secondly, and I guess the actual point of the article, nipple rings are not exactly easy to remove.
"She was taken behind a curtain and managed to remove one bar-shaped piercing but had trouble with the second, a ring.
"Still crying, she informed the TSA officer that she could not remove it without the help of pliers, and the officer gave a pair to her," said Hamlin's attorney, Gloria Allred, reading from a letter she sent Thursday to the director of the TSA's Office of Civil Rights and Liberties.
Hamlin said she heard male TSA agents snickering as she took out the ring. She was scanned again and was allowed to board even though she still was wearing a belly button ring.
"After nipple rings are inserted, the skin can often heal around the piercing, and the rings can be extremely difficult and painful to remove," Allred said in the letter. "
Fucking.Ouch. While it's kind of fucked up, but also maybe a little funny because like, who wouldn't find it a little funny, the important thing is that maybe now she'll be like a normal 37 year old woman, free of nipple rings, right?
"Hamlin was publicly humiliated and has "undergone an enormous amount of physical pain to have the nipple rings reinserted" because of scar tissue, Allred said. "
What.the.fuck. Seriously. Notice that nowhere in the article is a husband or boyfriend or girlfriend mentioned. Please understand I do not believe this to be coincidence. Please notice it also stated she had a belly-button ring. If you are out of college and have your naval pierced, you are either a whore or an idiot, and quite possibly both (or possibly neither, but I highly doubt it). My guess is that her flight from Lubbock to Dallas was just the first leg of her trip to South Beach for spring break.
I can still remember the first time I heard anything by them. It was the album "Philophobia." This album opens with a subtle number about safe sex called Packs of Three. Here are the lyrics, to give you an idea:
"It was the biggest ever cock you'd ever seen, but you've no idea where that cock has been.
You said you were careful - you never were with me.
I heard you did it four times and jonnies come in packs of three.
She was the best shag I'd ever had.
That doesn't mean I'm saying, bedwise, you were bad.
I think you were working, we got a hotel.
We didn't have anything but I thought I might as well.
I never told the rest.
I was drunk and I told you I was thinking about a test.
You know I just said it for effect.
Then you laughed and said Id fuck anything in a skirt once I'm erect.
And shes a famous harlot in this town.
I know enough to, but still I couldn't turn her down.
He said I'm an arsehole, what was I thinking?
It's far too easy to blame it on the drinking."
See what I mean? It was a jarring introduction, but it didn't take much more than that song to get me hooked. Here are the videos I could find:
The Shy Retirer from Mondays at the Hug and Pint
Here we Go from Philophobia
Cherubs from Elephant Shoe
Afternoon Soaps from Philophobia
Speed Date from The Last Romance
Anyway, if you're at all interested in any of their albums, my personal favorites are Philophobia and Elephant Shoe probably tied for most favoritest, with Mondays at the Hug and Pint and The Last Romance tied for next to most favoritest.
EDIT: Upon reading some reviews of their albums for fun, here's my favorite opener, about Elephant Shoe, from AMG (Now bear in mind this is the opening to a good review):
"All of the same words ("languid," "somnolent," "depressing," "miserable," et al.) employed to describe Arab Strap's first two efforts apply to their third as well..." That is my kind of fucking band.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
At first I read this thinking it was a joke like "ha ha, we put your baby up for sale, good joke, right?" But then upon further inspection (actually reading the article), it turns out some person may very well have been trying to sell a baby for a thousand bucks (that seems like a hell of a bargain, if you're in the market for a baby). And this baby dealer turns out was just using this couple's name so as not to reveal his/her own name.
"An e-mail address attached to the ad included the name Birdie Avery. But a woman who shares the same name in Lebanon said she doesn't recognize the baby. She said she and her husband don’t own a computer.
“I don’t know if this is somebody’s really sick April fools joke," said Avery's husband, Rick Avery."
Now, part of me hopes it's just a joke, because like, if you're going to for reals try and sell a baby, why the hell not just make up a fake name? Use a name from a book or movie or something? Because if you use someone else's real name, and they see it, this is what's going to happen. So I guess I'm hoping it's a joke because you'd think someone trying to do something like sell a fucking baby would be thorough in terms of like, the thought process before putting an ad on craigslist.
Now, I'm not advocating selling babies via craigslist or any other means. I'm just saying that if you're going to do it, be smart about it.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Now If you'll first allow me to explain my post title: unlike the Arrested Development movie, this news does not qualify as instant boner fuel. I (my weiner?) am(is) waiting for further info before we stand at attention. Therefor, this is like Cialis. Boner could happen any minute, and if it lasts more than four hours, then so does the par-tay!
Anyway, here's the show info:
It’s currently called “David’s Situation” with Cross playing himself. In the show, the comic has quit show biz and is working for inflight magazines. He lives with two roommates in a gated community, each the polar opposite on the political scale - one left and one right. David: “And I’m right in the middle.”
[T]he pair intend to keep the sitcom act break structure and break them up with fake commercials, which will allow the pair to exercise their considerable sketch comedy chops directly."
Now, here is why my half-mast and I are hesitant. David Cross is playing himself, and he has always seemed like kind of a dick. His stand up is kind of condescending, which is ok - being funny and mean is fine, just not when I'm not the one doing it. But he gets especially preachy around the topic of politics, and if that's what the show is going to be centered around, I can envision myself wanting to punch him several times. Anyway, the fake commercials and sketch comedy-ness of the whole thing seems promising, seeing as I could probably give you the exact lines of any Mr. Show skit verbatim. I also hope it doesn't end up being amazing, only to be cancelled after one season, like Lucky Louie.
Either way, I(my weiner)'ll be following this closely.
In the past 3 minutes, I have eaten no few than 25 spearmint altoids. I prefer Wintergreen, but these were a gift and I'm a glutton and a pig so I'll take what I can get. These are addictive little bastards, and they burn. I cannot eat them in smaller quantities than 3 at a time. If I leave the tin in front of me, I will eat it in its entirety. Shortly after this happens, I get enormous stomach aches. I cannot keep the altoids in my mouth for more than 10 seconds before I chew them up and swallow them, and want more. When I started writing this paragraph, the number in that first sentence was 10, and has been changed three times. fuck. you. altoids.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Now, I'm all for this site. I think it's hilarious. Yes I think it's kind of awful, and sure, all the shit with like, anti-semitism is insane, but people are idiots and that shit's bound to happen in an anonymous forum, I guess. But here's the thing: I'm out of college. This doesn't affect me one way or the other. Were I still in college, this site would have to have been the worst thing in the whole world. I went to a school with a small campus where everyone was in everyone else's business to begin with, this site would almost certainly have lead to the suicide of many people I knew.
I am imagining how different my life would be, were I to be half drunk and talking to a girl in a bar, only to introduce myself and have her respond by saying that she read in a thread on juicycampus that I hooked up with some girl and promised to call her and never did or like, "Oh you bought so and so a drink and she woke up two days later in a ditch missing 3 teeth, a finger and she also was no longer wearing pants" or something. Life could have been terrible.
To be fair, I am an amazing, stand up guy and would never have had a problem like this, because any threads about me would have read like "Could he be any hunkier/sweeter/kinder/more amazing with animals/sexier/etc." To which all the replies would be fawning ladies pining for my love. But I have some friends who would have been totally screwed.
But, since we missed this evil trolley entirely, I say: more power to this site. I want more unsubstantiated rumours about peoples' promiscuity and STD's. Hell, I'm tempted to log on and start shit myself.
"Like anything that is even remotely controversial, there are always people who demand censorship," he told The Associated Press last month. "However, we believe that JuicyCampus can have a really positive impact on college campuses, as a place for both entertainment and free expression."
I mean, what's more entertaining and at the same time positive for your school's campus then spreading rumours about people? And I mean that. People have a right to know that if they sleep with Claire they're going to get crabs. Where were you 5 year ago, juicycampus? Where were you then? At my hour of most desperate need?
huh? what? Oh, hi. I gotta go.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Cut Your Hair - from Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain
Carrot Rope - from Terror Twilight
Range Life - from Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain
Gold Soundz - from Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain
Stereo - from Brighten the Corners
Rattled by the Rush - from Wowee Zowee
Shady Lane - from Brighten the Corners
Monday, March 17, 2008
Read all about it here.
While I guess I can understand the idea behind the suit, I'm not really sure what she would expect an attendant to do(about someone switching seats, not the other thing).
I'd also like to point out that this was a 21 year old woman on her way to Spring Break so like, what was she expecting?
I guess I agree most of all with one commenter (some of the comments are amazing but its brutal to get through them all - ie someone took the liberty to post like, every Bible verse on the subject):
"why should the airline, and in the end, it's customers, pay for this women's repressions and emotional shortcomings.The airline's attorneys need offer only a bottle of shampoo and stand firm."
Just kidding! I blame society. But in all seriousness, I would have to see the hair in question before I made a judgement one way or the other. Maybe it's irresistible. Who knows?
While sure it sucks that between 8 and 12 million bees are now loose on the highway, just think: could be worse, could be him:
But mainly, this news story was an excuse to post this bit of awesomeness:
Friday, March 14, 2008
"But even the open road wasn't big enough to handle Uribe's dream of celebrating a budding romance and his success in losing about 440 pounds."
Now, if you're like me, right now you are wondering how a 1200 pound man confined to a special made bed can even plant the romantic seeds that could lead to any kind of buds. But also if you're like me, you're missing most of your teeth and pee in a jar, so who are you to judge.
The good news is that Manuel has lost 400 pounds. The bad news is that if he were too look down ever so slightly, he'd see about 800 pounds and probably never even notice those 400 that went missing.
Also, if a mariachi band ever played celebratory music just for me being forklifted out of my own house, I'd know it was time to end it all... or maybe, just maybe...it was actually time to meet a hot babe for drinks and din-din and possibly some lovin? (After the logistics of not killing your partner were properly hashed out, of course)
The guy seems nice and has been trying to get help and slim down for years now, so I won't say anything mean or make any jokes about the accident. [this was the first sentence I wrote. funny how fast things change]
Manuel Uribe's site
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
the empire strikes back
return of the jedi
Jedi I really only tune in for the first half, with the sail barge and that fight scene, so I debated taking it off, but whatever. I left off the first one off because while decent, it doesn't really hold up to constant repeat viewings that empire does.
easily the best comic book movie I've seen. Spiderman 1 and 2 and X-Men 1 and 2 could also be lumped in here, but I guess my first thought was batman begins because it's on a shitload and I always watch it.
the princess bride
alright, maybe a little gay, but andre the giant steals every scene he's in and mandy patankin is a genius! I always thought this movie would catapult Carey Elewes to like, super hunk status. I don't know why that never panned out.
Even David Mamet acknowledged that this movie is perfect. It doesn't try to do to much, but works just right for what it is. And Tony Shaloub is amazing. Also the only thing Tim Allen has ever done right.
men in black
Will Smith being over-the-top ridiculous really works best in these three movies.
You could include Wall Street and Glengarry Glen Ross with this one since BR is kind of an ripoff of both. But I feel that boiler room, while far inferior to either one, is way more hilarious and I'm not sure that it's on purpose.
It's got everything a movie should have: baseball, sex, and kevin costner.
Jeff Goldblum at his hunkiest, every line he has is gold. One of the best movies ever... hold on to your butts.
This is almost like the anti-bull durham. If you thought bull durham had too much chick-flicky stuff in it, this is the baseball movie for you. Featuring Carlos Delgado as President Pedro Cerrano Palmer
to come later or maybe not:
pee wee's big adventure
indiana jones (any)
back to the future (any)
big trouble in little china
escape from new york
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Cliquot from The Flying Club Cup
Nantes from The Flying Cub Cup
The Penalty from The Flying Club Cup
I'd also like to point out that I'm kind of ambivalent about these hipster-y videos.
The midget - which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk - was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters.
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Monday, March 10, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Since I've never had an eight year old around, I can only surmise that having an eight year old is like having a constant boner that you want to put inside an ugly-faced little doll.
Please meet Hannah:
You better damn well believe I'm going to put that guarantee to the test!
best 200 bones you'll ever spend (get it - bones?!. ugh. I'll show myself out, thanks)
Special thanks to Kwame for the link, but no thanks for the problem with my pants being all boner-y. So it's a wash really.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Seriously, this might be the creepiest show on television. It's part live action, part puppetry, part CGI, and all fucking weird.
Here's the description of the premise:
"The main character is Stephanie (Julianna Rose Mauriello), who arrives in town and urges her new friends Ziggy, Trixie, Stingy, and Pixel to go outside and be active, instead of staying inside and playing video games all day. Her uncle, the bumbling Mayor Milford Meanswell, enlists the help of Sportacus 10 (Magnús Scheving), a self-described "slightly-above-average hero". It is Sportacus' job to inspire the kids to play outside, and to help solve low-key emergencies that occur from time to time. However, all this does not sit well with Robbie Rotten (Stefán Karl Stefánsson), a lazy man who lives in an underground lair hidden just on the edge of town. Many of the episodes involve Robbie Rotten dressing up in a disguise and trying to ruin the kids' fun and/or make Sportacus leave town forever."
Are you there Iceland? It's me, pemulis. While I appreciate your country and am thankful for both Sigur Ros and Bjork, please stop. This show is insane, and with awesome bands in your country, I'm not sure I understand your decision to have Ace of Base score the show.
To wit, here is the main song from your show:
And this is the video for the Sigur Ros song Glosili
See the difference? Come on now. Tell me how music like that wouldn't work in the show? It builds so slowly and beautifully towards its epic climax ... it's like making love whlie listening to a gay alien sing in gibberish.
And here's the real kicker. Robbie Rotten is lazy, hence he hates all the kids playing outside and all that. OK, fine. I get that. But so my first inkling is to think: Ok asshole, why don't you just move? Oh, because you're so lazy? well then why would you go to such extravagant lengths to ruin some one's game of pirates?
And Sportacus, guess what. If someone believes you when you refer to fruits and vegetables as "sports candy", they're fucking idiots.
EDIT: I just watched that video of the pirate song again because I'm a masochist and a stupid bastard. Anyway, if you do watch it, please note the way Robbie looks at Stephanie all molester-y after he sings the line about "precious booty:"
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Hi, this is Larry King. The phone-in topic Today: "Ghosts and Ghostbusting." The controversy builds, more sightings are reported, some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators in New York are the cause of it all.
All because of the Brooklyn Ghost Investigators.
One time one of them video taped something that looked like lights playing together. Knowing this meant he had some serious ESP, Sal Cicconi decided to hone his ghost busting skills with some friends. How, you might ask? That's right, watching television programs about ghosts!
For 20$/Hour these Brooklynites will come to your place and make the ghosts disappear. If you don't have cash, they are also accepting Pabst Blue Ribbon, blazers with t-shirts, pseudo intellectual conversations about all things meta and shit bro., gift cards to the apple store, tight jeans, and anything vintage.
But whatever, like I said, I'm so over the Ghostbusters.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
So a guy getting on a plane tries to download a few episodes of Friends, the downloads get interrupted when the plane takes off, then continue when the plane lands. He then gets a phone bill from Vodaphone (whatever that is! right?) for $22,000. Seems like the cause of the charge was going out of network - downloading while not in Germany. But I think the bigger lesson is that spending money on something douchey will always carry an asshole tax. Sorry guy, that's what you get for being a dude and wanting to watch Friends. No, scratch that, that's what you get for being a human being and wanting to watch Friends. Seriously, who likes that show? Assholes, that's who.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Louis: [opening cabinet] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...
[takes platter back into living room]
Louis: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.
[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially]
Louis: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?
[heads across the room, greeting other guests]
Louis: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!
[to the Tall Woman]
Louis: You think it's too warm in here for the brie?
Tall Woman at Party: [standing] Louis, I'm going home.
Louis: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!
Tall Woman at Party: [pauses] Okay!
[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings]
Louis: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.
[opens door, greeting guests]
Louis: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.
[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the Terror Dog hiding there]
Louis: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?
[the Terror Dog growls from inside the bedroom]
Louis: [grinning] Okay, who brought the dog?