A man who contends he got a 9-foot tapeworm after eating undercooked fish has sued a Chicago restaurant.
Holy fuck. 9-foot tapeworm!? What does that mean? How is this thing 9 feet long? There could be a nine-foot monster living in your body? Wreaking havoc on your bowels? And you're telling me there's a such thing as god? I may need to read up on this a little. But first let's press on:
In the lawsuit filed Monday, Anthony Franz said he ordered salmon salad for lunch from Shaw's Crab House in 2006 and fell violently ill. He later passed the giant parasite, which a pathologist determined came from undercooked fish, such as salmon.
Wait wait wait... he passed the thing? How... but... I... so... you get rid of this abomination by shitting it out? Is that what they mean by passing it? Passing is such a stupid euphemism. The thing didn't take a philosophy class or something, it's been...wait, so exactly what does a tapeworm do? I need to go to wikipedia and do a little research because I am beyond confused. A little scared. A tad hungry, and a smidgen aroused.
Alright wikipedia, do your thing and learn me some gross-ass shit:
The life cycle of a tapeworm starts with a human eating undercooked, infected meat. The tapeworm will then grow and release small packages with fertilized eggs and sperm. These packages are excreted by the host. If they happen to, for example, land in grass, the package will open and by that time, the tape worm eggs will have developed. The eggs are released onto the grass. If a cow were to eat that grass, the eggs would become larvae and burrow into the cow's muscle. If that cow were eaten without being completely cooked, the whole cycle would start again.
I'm not sure I really understand this paragraph. So, I eat the undercooked food. The tapeworm then grows in my belly and releases sperm-y egg packets into my gullet? Then if I shit on the grass, the tape worms are alive and waiting to be eaten by cows? There are some confusing leaps in logic here, but whatever. So this worm needs you to be an egg delivery system to some grass so it can start all over again. The circle of life. Doesn't sound too terrible, aside from the sperms and shitting in grass.
The people that have been infected by this tapeworm have described the following symptoms: abdominal discomfort and pain, cramp, colic, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, dizziness, vomiting, restlessness, vertigo, headache, tiredness, malabsorption, anorexia, muscular pain, vitamin deficiency, megaloblastic anemia, weight loss (or gain), intestinal blockage, jejunal perforation, appendicitis, pancreatitis, pseudo-incontinence, pruritis ani, rectal-flutters, spontaneous voiding of segments from the anus, depression and psychosis.
On second thought maybe not. I like all of my segmented anus voiding to be premeditated and well thought out. Also, who wouldn't be depressed if you had a giant monster worm living inside you? "Hey, why so glum?" "I can't stop liquid shitting because I've got a kraken living inside me shooting my intestines with sperm bullets - the beast is hoping to make me shit his sperm onto some grass to feed cows and perpetuate his kind." "Well that sounds reasonable, carry on."
Franz's lawsuit seeks $100,000 from Shaw's and its parent company, Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, contending the restaurant's staff was negligent in serving him improperly cooked fish.
Fucking first off he should seek putative damages for having to say "Lettuce Entertain You", because every time it's read or spoken the reader/listener loses IQ points. Next thing you know they'll be titling their court documents for the case "Nothin' Fishy About it!"
But Carrol Symank, vice president of food safety for Lettuce Entertain You, said the tapeworm didn't come from Shaw's.
"We have done a thorough investigation, and we're confident the restaurant is not the source," he said.
What the fuck. does that mean. "So the tapeworm that you got, the one caused by undercooked fish. The one you got immediately after eating fish at our restaurant. Didn't come from us!" "Erm, excuse me, but if I may, I've been having rectal-flutters and spontaneously voiding bowel segments since eating your fish" "We're confident that our restaurant is not to blame" "Um... how?" "We've done a thorough investigation." "What the fuck does that mean?" "We... uh... Well, we've looked at a lot of your poo?" "Well how the fuck would that lead you to know where the tapeworm came from?!" "You wouldn't understand... It's science-y."
According to the Web site mayoclinic.com, tapeworms can measure up to 50 feet long.
According to the web site gallimaufriers.blogspot.com, thinking about 50-foot long tapeworms may cause rectal-flutters.