Wednesday, August 13, 2008

How the How the Private Bullpen Meeting Went Down

Scott Schoeneweis recently called a private meeting amongst Mets relief pitchers. Much speculation has been made as to exactly how it all went down, and exactly how much like a day at JT Marlin is life in the Mets Bullpen. Well I have the answer right here, as a source close to the Mets provided me with the actual transcript of the closed door meeting. It looks a little something like this:

The scene is the inside of the Mets Bullpen: Dan Warthen's Office. Dan is not present. Scott Schoeneweis decides to lead the meeting:

I read this article a while back, that said that Microsoft employs more millionaire secretary's that any other company in the world. They took stock options over Christmas bonuses. It was a good move. I remember there was this picture, of one of the groundskeepers next to his Ferrari. Blew my mind. you see shit like that, and it just plants seeds, makes you think its possible, even easy. And then you turn on the TV, and there's just more of it. The $87 Million lottery winner, that kid actor that just made 20 million o his last movie, that internet stock that shot through the roof, you could have made millions if you had just gotten in early, and that's exactly what I wanted to do: get in. I didn't want to be an innovator any more, i just wanted to make the quick and easy buck, i just wanted in. The Notorious BIG said it best: "Either you're slingin' crack-rock, or you've got a wicked jump-shot." Nobody wants to work for it anymore. There's no honor in taking that after school job at Mickey Dee's, honor's in the dollar, kid. So I went the white boy way of slinging crack-rock: I became a relief pitcher for the New York Mets. And so did all of you little bitches.

Dude... What?

What happened last time you blew a hold? What did Jerry tell you, you little rookie bitch?

[sigh] He said "First of all, there's gonna be a lot of these regardless of how good you are but you happen to suck big fat ass rhinoceros dick. "

Ay, Scotty No-Show. Why you pickin on this cabron? What he ever do to you?

Get the fuck out of here before I put you in a mayonnaise jar.

Dude... What?

Hey guys, whats this meetin' about?

Ah, fuck. I hope you start to pitch better than the last batch of shit you gave me. Produced more wood than Ron Jeremy, those boys got so many hits. I don't want you to yell, "booyow!" anymore. Know what you should yell? "Timber!" Yeah, Mr. Fuckin' wood. I see you fuckin' makin' your pitches. It's bullshit, all right? I mean if you're going to suck so bad, why don't you just go back to triple A? You should get the fans excited. You know, excited? They should beg for you to come into the game on the first call to the pen.

What makes you so special, tough guy?

You Want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet, What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid.

[pops head in door] 'the fuck's going on in here maricons?

Kid, get the fuck outta here. You got a canoli you can shove in your mouth?

No, don't you have a menorah you could shove up your ass?[leaves]

Look assholes, it's time I gave you the best advice you'll ever receive, because our asses are on the line. You want to be a fucking kick ass reliever? There's an important phrase that we use here, and think it's time that you all learned it. Act as if. You understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking President of the country. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if. Act as if you are Mariano Goddamn Rivera. Act as if you are A-Rod's slightly less gay twin brother, K. Act as if. Learn it you stupid fucks.

Who the fuck do you assclowns think you are having a private meeting without your closer?

When was the last time you closed something huh? You couldn't close a fuckin' window you moron!

/slinks away, leaves

Guys? I think I might have an idea...

Let's here it, Mister Kuntz, Mister new guy.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but holmes I need some cho-caine, I need some motherfuckin nose candy. I need some kizzy up my nizzy, so bring that table over here, biotch! I need to get hiiiiiigh like a motherfucker.


As a goof! Kidding..hehe..I was just making jokes at ya!

[Loud knock on door] What in the sam hill shitfuck goddamn piss hell is going on in here?! If you pussies don't get your shit together I'm going to dopeslap the everliving piss out of all of you. What is this shit? A book club meeting? What did Oprah have you little bitches read this week, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pack of Pussies? Get the fuck outta my room. Me and Johan want to play Xbox. At least I think that's what he's saying, I can't understand you goddamn Mexicans.

Sure thing coach! Just wrapping up in here...Look you pussies. I'm not some 18-year-old selling a cure for AIDS. I'm 46 years old, I have 22 years baseball experience, I know this business. So pick up your skirt, grab your balls, and lets go make some money.

Scott...why do you still live with your mother?

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