Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get... Also?

If I were a policeman, and suspected my slag whore of a wife of cheating on me with my best friend, I would probably use my resources as a cop to obtain cctv footage of pubs and stuff where they'd been meeting, then go on to beat her and throw her outside naked so everyone could see her for the whore she is. If this sounds insane and awful... well that's what she gets... right?

A policeman attacked his wife and shoved her naked out of their front door after CCTV footage showed she was having an affair with his best friend, a court heard yesterday.

Ok... well maybe I wouldn't do it... but this guy sure did! While on the one hand I am all for public humiliation for things, especially when she's fucking your best friend... I can't say I condone the violence aspect of the whole thing... I mean, throwing her outside naked? Perfectly acceptable. Look - If we're going to find it funny when a woman puts up a billboard like this, we have to agree the other side of that coin is funny too, no? Anywho, let's have a look at the lovely couple.

Mr. Wonderful!

PC Andrew Liptrot, 47, seized camera footage from two pubs where he suspected the couple had met before confronting his wife Karen at home. He then grabbed the 38-year-old British Airways stewardess and ripped her dressing gown from her body, the court was told. ‘I had nothing underneath,’ Mrs Liptrot said. ‘He was holding my wrists and I was nervous. I was scared. He grabbed my arm and called me a slag and a whore.'

He probably called you a slag and a whore because well... slagg-y shoe fits... Also. Domestic violence being awful enough as it is aside, if you're a cop and you're using sketchy means to find this stuff out... isn't domestic violence and public humiliation kind of a bad idea? I mean... You're a cop... But alright though. Just sort of dragged you outside, called you names. That's the end of it at least, right? You then decided to act like an adult and just sort of end the whole marriage thing and etc?

Peter Davies, prosecuting, said Liptrot, a crime prevention officer, eventually allowed his wife back into the house and ordered her into the bedroom where he attacked her again. He swung her round by the hair, hit her in the left buttock and struck her on the temple but stopped the attack when she started to cry, the court heard.

Oh... Well... Lest you think this man is a monster, let it be known that he did stop when she started crying. I mean, I'm not going to say the guy is a hero or anything, but never let anyone tell you he is merciless. And so there it ended... right?

Mr Davies said Liptrot attacked her again six days later when she refused to have sex with him.

Eeesh. So after your best friend has been stirring your vanilla... you actually wanted to have sex with her again? And you... have been living in relative calm for the past 6 days? What the hell, why would you do that?

The following day, Mrs Liptrot took her two children to her parents’ house. They called the police. Yesterday Liptrot, from Lostock Hall, Preston, appeared in court to deny three charges of assault.

FYI, here's how they're saying these bruises happened (I'm skipping around a bit in the article because either it's super long or my ADD has grown exponen...hey a nickel!)

Rick Holland, defending, suggested Mrs Liptrot’s injuries were caused by a kinky bondage session the night before. He told her: ‘You had bought a pair of handcuffs from Ann Summers and you and your husband were involved in consensual sexual contact. You had handcuffs on your wrists and you suffered slight injuries.’ The jury was told that Liptrot, who had been a police officer for ten years but resigned this month, had earlier pleaded guilty to seven counts of misconduct in a public office relating to accessing police files and obtaining the CCTV footage.

So he quit after illegally obtaining this footage that implicated his wife in an affair with his best friend... but after that they bought dangers sex toys that resulted in bruises and cuts? Sounds reasonable to me. But what do I know (don't answer that, thanks).

I'd also like to point out that at no point does this article explain what, if anything he did to his 'best friend'. Shouldn't there be some comeuppance in the works for him? Like, shouldn't Liptrot's lawyer be like "You are going to buy a noose and have more consensual sex with my clients wife and you will suffer slight hanging related death injuries." or something? Whatever. Where's Bud White when you need him?

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get?

In a story that is in no way going to help the reputation for Russians being drunk... a Russian got totally hammered... and then tried to fuck a raccoon... with somewhat disastrous results.

An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man's penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.

I mean, was he trying to rape its face? there's just so much awesomeness and stupidity to this story I don't even know where to begin. Oh. You'll see.

Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.

On the one hand, what kind of friends let him try to rape a raccoon. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to party with those guys? That's right. 44. Years. Old. On the one hand, you'd think someone in their mid-40's would know better than to drunkenly rape a raccoon. On the other hand, why don't you lay off it, Judge Reinhold?

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.

Yep. Not even remorseful about it. That's right. Thought he'd have some fun. What great merriment having sex with rabid animals will be! I love that this attitude somehow stunned the surgeons. The dude tried to fuck a raccoon. There's really nothing else he could say or do that I would really consider 'stunning'.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

One, I have to imagine this gentleman was not married. Probably not even seeing anyone(human). And so imagine if you meet the girl of your dreams. At some point, you are going to have to have that conversation about why your dongle is mutilated, right? And 2, I mean, even John Wayne Bobbit can say 'crazy ex-wife'. But, 'Oh, you know. Just another drunken weekend with my friends trying to fornicate with feral animals!' somehow seems like it would be some kind of deal-breaker for any woman with even the faintest sense of sanity.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's Not Often I Find Myself Rooting for the Guy With the Laser Pointer

So if there's nothing you enjoy more than watching millionaires dressed up like space cats acting like huge babies, you're in luck:

Seriously, like anyone needed another reason to hate KISS. Also, if you're a rocker who hates laser pointers with this kind of passion, shouldn't you have a better repertoire of insults to hurl crowd-ward than things like, "Just because you can shave you're still a baby" and "Put that laser in your pocket or I'll put it in your ass"? How about something fun like "Hey! My doctor says I can't get laser in my eye! Be careful!" Or like, "Hey, you look pretty young, the whole band has probably had sex with your mother."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I Just Discovered: Zero Punctuation

So, I'm not much of a video game-y type guy. But I do enjoy me some games. I currently have a Nintendo Wii at home - and we recently got the wii fit (I am a master at the hula hoop game). I also have an xbox that's been modified so that it has every nintendo, super nintendo, and genesis game on it. I know what you're thinking - wow, you must be swimming in ladies 24/7. You're half right. Half as in the correct portion is "wow, you must be..."

Anyway, a friend recently sent me a link to escapist magazine, where they do this group zero punctuation does weekly video reviews. These are some of the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. Here's his review for Ninja Gaiden 2 (The original is possibly my favorite game for the xbox, I played it for like, 5 hours a day for an entire year of college - I know, see above comment re ladies.):

You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.

So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"

Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.

Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.

In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.

See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?

"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.

Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?

He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"

To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "
dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.

"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.

Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.

So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!

Back to the article,

Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.

To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.


This gets me every single god damned time. It absolutely BOGGLES my mind when you hear something like "cops found 20,000 kilos of cocaine during a routine traffic stop for speeding."



When I was younger, I'd be super careful driving after I'd smoked a fucking bowl of terrible-ass Scranton dirtweed, EVEN IF I WASN'T HOLDING? Know why? Because dealing with cops right before/after/during something illegal is God Fucking Awful and I strive to avoid it at all costs.


deep breath

Just read it.
LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Gwinnett County deputies found more than $1 million in cash in a car they had stopped for a traffic violation.
Now I know it's the south, so some of you out there are going to make the whole "we can't hold the mentally handicap up to the same standards as people from the Northeast" argument, but J. Fucking. Christ. And I know sometimes the traffic violation is little and silly, like a broken brake light or expired inspection stickers or something, BUT IF YOU ARE MAKING THE PLANS TO SOMEHOW ILLEGALLY ACQUIRE MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN, PERHAPS TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AT YOUR CAR AND SEE IF IT'S A POLICE BEACON, YOU VACUOUS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE, AND YOUR DADDY'S SPERM.

But what was the reason the police pulled over our friend Cleatus? (The article doesn't mention his actual name, but are YOU going to bet money that his name isn't Cleatus? No. No you're not.)
Sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Bourbonnais said the man was stopped Friday after deputies noticed he was swerving in and out of lanes.
Reckless driving. Not even speeding, where maybe the dude's getting pulled over for going 3 or 4 miles over. Swerving in and out of lanes. This is so fucking EPICALLY stupid it's almost admirable.

Mind if I rant for a moment about the terrible racism in this country? Oh, you do mind? Well, then fuck you right in the face with your grandpa's dick.

This dude was white. The article does not disclose the ethnicity of the suspect, nor (like I said before) a name, nor a picture. How do I know he's white? Glad you asked! You didn't ask? Well, fuck your mother!
While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was captured and charged with obstruction of a law enforcement officer.
I would literally bet the lives of every child on the planet (actually, every child on the planet but Pem's; she's just too damned adorable) that this dude was white, and I'd do this for two reasons: 1) God do I hate kids, so win-win, and 2) There is no other ethnicity in America that gets to PUSH a deputy, run away ON FOOT, and only get "obstruction of a law enforcement officer." A black dude touches a cop, and he gets charged with first degree murder, regardless of the fact that the cop he touched is alive and well and sitting at the trial.

If this were a black (or Latino, or Arabic, possibly even Asian) dude, the quote would've been closer to
While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was shot 174 times by 10 different officers, many of whom showed up 10 to 15 minutes after the suspect was first gunned down. The Lawrenceville mayor will host a dinner on Thursday evening to honor the brave officers involved in the incident.
Well...that's certainly one way to end a post on our comedic blog about silly shit.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Phlegmin' Trouble? Phlegmin Luck!

Happy lunchtime everyone! Yes, I know that title works much better with Urine, but (un?)fortunately I'm not having any trouble in that department...on this day.

Anyway, do you find yourself hacking and coughing in severe pain in every atom of your sinuses at even the slightest sign of being rhinovirally afflicted? You do? Congratulations, you're me! You handsome devil you.

Well, I've uncovered a sure fire system to help alleviate your suffering. It will also pretty much ensure that you get to sit by yourself on whatever form of mass transportation you ride to your job. I will now explain your day to you, the snot-throated.

You will wake up. It will hurt to swallow. You will know this is because of the chunks of snot in your throat. This thought will disgust you, but you must use the disgust to your advantage. You will try and cough, and you will blow your nose. Repeatedly. This will not work. You will have an enormous headache that seems to start in the center of your nose and rise up and wrap around your eyes, as though some asshole were trying to squeeze the life out of your eyes.

Here's what you must do: You must make yourself throw up. Now. You don't recall how you discovered this, and you don't really want to remember. You do not actually throw up. You merely make yourself gag. this will do one of two things: make a giant hunk of snot come racing out of your mouth; or send the hunk of snot up your sinus passages into the nasal region, in which case you will feel a sudden and serious blockage. You can then blow your nose until you see a gigantic viscous green wad in your tissue. It is going to be enormous, and you are going to want to play with it, because you can't believe this gleaming chunk of goo was in your throat for the past few hours. Resist this urge. Someone will see you. And remember to use Puff plus lotion. Your nose will thank you.

Also, note that this is something you will have to do multiple times during the day. Remember to do anything you can to distract yourself, so that you're not sitting next to someone on the train, coughing and trying your best to discreetly hock up phlegm. It isn't working.

On a semi-related note: If you had "2" as the page number on a google image search for "puffs plus lotion" as being the first page in that search to contain porn, you are the winner. Your prize is in my coat pocket. At first it's going to feel a bit like a soggy tissue, but once you see it you'll realize that it is actually several soggy tissues.


So this is the story of some dude in Nevada who beat a speeding ticket. Good for him, right? Well, the reason he got the ticket thrown out might now effect traffic signs in his town, making the streets safer.

This is the article about why that's apparently a bad thing.
A Spring Creek man who beat a $62 ticket has created a legal speed trap that could cost Elko County and his neighbors much more.
If you're wondering what the vague and marginally evocative phrase "cost Elko blah blah much more" is referring to...well, you go ahead and wonder in one hand and shit in the other. See which one gets filled up first.
James Killian...argued the ticket...for going 39 mph in a 25 mph zone was unenforceable because the speed limit sign was too small and didn't comply with uniform traffic codes adopted by the state in 2003. [emphasis mine]
Soooo...what's the point of this article? Man, I mean, if I was an Elko County justice I would've agreed and dismissed the citation.
Elko Justice of the Peace Al Kacin agreed, and dismissed the citation.
Oh. Huh. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ARTICLE?!? (I guess one could ask, "what is the purpose of this blog post?" To you I say "shut up." Here. Here's some boobs. Now keep reading.)
Now county and Spring Creek Association employees are taking inventory of traffic signs, trying to determine how many may need to be replaced if the local jurisdictions are required to comply with the updated standards.
This, as far as I can gather, is what's going to "cost" the Elko-ans "much more." Replacing traffic signs SO THAT THEY ARE UP TO LEGAL STANDARDS isn't free, you know?? This is why people fucking HATE Elko Nevada (just trust me on this one) and America in general. "Bigger speed limit signs?!??? Well, that'll cost money! Money from taxes!!! I don't LIKE taxes!!! Boooooooo safety! Go eat a dick safety!!!

These are the same fucks who will try and sue everyone in a 10 mile radius for negligence if their kid gets hit by a speeding car (OH THE INJUSTICE!!! WHY AREN'T THESE SIGNS UP TO LEGAL STANDARDS!?!?).
Killian said he wouldn't have raised the issue if he had known the unintended consequences of the judge's ruling.
"Geez, I mean, if I knew I'd be improving safety, I'd have just as soon paid the ticket. These improvements are gonna cost MONEY, y'know? At least if I just paid the ticket it woulda just cost...money..."

In conclusion, it seems like I've lost my ability to write funny blogs, and replaced it with the ability to write angry self-righteous ones. FoxNews.com here I come!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Let me begin by saying in no uncertain terms, I think Lil Wayne (aka known as Dwayne Michael Carter) is awesome. I think he's clever, funny, and has a unique voice and style to his rapping. I feel like he's a good representation of the traditional tennets of hip hop (aggressive, cocky lyrics over powerful bass-heavy instrumentation) while showing a willingness to push the envelope of the genre, both musically and topically. Also, he doesn't take himself too seriously, which, in my opinion almost always coincides with superior writing (and I'm not just saying that because Pem and I always call ourselves faggots...no homo.).

Now, as you may or may not know, Lil Wayne (much like Jay-Z) doesn't write his lyrics. As in, everything you've ever heard him rap on record, is, at least for the most part, freestyle. Pretty fucking, groovy, no?


Ok, here's my thing. Do I think it's fucking rock your face off your skull awesome that Misters Carter and Carter can do this? Yes. Yes I do. Do I sorta wish the world never found out about this? Yes. Yes I sorta do. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, now every 17 year old looking to be the next rap superstar feels like they can do it that way...even worse, a lot of them feel they have to do it that way, or the lines somehow lose merit.

I am a hip hop producer. I will now wait 5 to 7 minutes for you to stop laughing before I continue...

...you guys are real dicks sometimes, you know that?

...Ok. I have a next door neighbor who is 17 and he actually has a lot of potential as a rapper. He's goofy as shit, his rhymes are funny and his mind works uuber quickly, which makes him a quality freestyler, and (even though I've never actually seen him in action) an assumedly terrifying battle rapper. (By the way, if you're getting lost on terminology, maybe skip this post. Maybe go here and read something that hits a little closer to home.)

The only problem with my young friend is that for all the punchlines and wordplay, he still hasn't written a song. He raps over the beat that is playing and whatever comes out comes out. And that's fine, to a certain extent. But you're not going to want to listen to an album full of that, because after a while, it all sorta blends together.

I mean, Lil Wayne (and in my opinion to a much greater extent Jay-Z) is able to freestyle his verses and keep them fresh and interesting, for the most part. That doesn't mean that YOU can too. Worry about being good, writing compelling, unique shit that says at least something about yourself. For 99.9% of us, that means having a notebook, so you can organize your thoughts, make sure you are making sense, and do more than just rhyme the end of 16 sentences in a row. "Freestyle freefall" is what the dude from Hustle and Flow calls it. No, not the main dude. The other dude. No, not the white dude, the other other dude. NO, man the blonde chick was a CHICK not a dude, shitfuck. Whatever. Why the hell am I writing about this? Oh yea...

So Lil Wayne said something outlandishly stupid about the reason he freestyles all his songs...and I'm about to make fun of him for it...and probably regret it a million times over one day...

Let's fucking krump.

What about your songs. You never write them down?
I just say it. Say it when it gets in my head, the beat. Whatever comes in my mind at that moment.

Fair. You do you, Weezy F Baby.

So it’s always spontaneous?
Of course.

Really? "Of course?" Doesn't really seem like an "of course" type of sitch, but I mean, it's Young Money, baby. I'll defer to Mr. Wayne.

I believe anything other than that—then why go buy it?

Um...wait, what?

Then you could do it, she could do it.

Wait, um...so you think anything other than...what? "She could do it?" I...what? I mean, I know the dude is high all the time, but that hasn't stopped me from remaining at least semi comprehensible. So, it appears the interviewer smells the stank of that brain fart as much as I do, because (s)he responds, respectfully:

I couldn’t do it even if I wrote it down.

Translation: Your statement is the opposite of correct...and the opposite of sane, for that matter.
But you could read what’s on the paper, right? So basically anybody that could read could recite it. That takes something away from it.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH wait. the. fuck. up. With all due respect, that's as stupid as the day is long. That's like saying Barack Obama isn't a good speaker because his speeches are pre-written. "Anyone could've gotten up and delivered the keynote speech during the 2004 DNC and subsequently inspire and lead an entire political party (and later a nation) in a brand new direction. I mean, the speech was written on paper!" That's just assinine. I can' believe that Lil Wayne is actually suggesting that rappers who write their lines down on paper are somehow inferior to those who don't.

(And let me get this out of the way right now: yes, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and from what I've read, Biggie don't/didn't write their verses. But he does. And so does he. And he did, too. So let's everyone chill, ok?)

I think a lot of people get this idea that somehow writing a rap song is different than writing a song in another genre of music. The only way that is even a little accurate is more often than not, the degree of difficulty is a little higher writing rap vs. writing other types of songs. The reason? Singers in other genres can extend the notes that they sing. So, in the same amount of time it takes for Big Punisher to sing "Dead in the middle of Little Italy little did we know
that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddily,"
an R&B singer has the option of singing "No," or "Oh," or any other single syllable and extending it for as long as they please. All of this further bolsters the fact that WRITING DOWN WHAT YOU PLAN ON RAPPING is a helpful, good thing.

Listen, if you don't need to, good for you. That's just bully for you. But don't treat it like freestyling album-quality verses is a common trait. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Albert Pujols doesn't stand around making fun of other players because they "need" batting practice and he "doesn't." Because he realizes that not everyone is as good as he is at hitting baseballs. Oh, and because he still takes batting practice so he can be even BETTER at hitting baseballs.

I always tell somebody that’s why I am good, that’s why I’m okay, because I’m being me, I’m doing me. Now the day I gotta write stuff down—no one can believe what’s written down.

I get the first part. Yes, when you're expressing your thoughts and feelings on the spot, you are very fresh, very raw, and often very honest. You are also prone to say things that don't make a lot of sense, and it's extremely difficult to stay on one topic, let alone write an entire song based on one. (As big a fan as I am of Lil Wayne's, there are times when I'm like, "wait, why is he rapping about money and killing people when the hook of the song is about how he's a Martian from another planet?"). As for the second part? Um. No. No, that's not true. That's barely a thought. In fact, it's like 5/8's of a thought.

Perfect example:

SPOILER ALERT: The following example is very, very, very, very, very imperfect.

If I was a bum and I told you I had a mansion around the corner and three Bentleys and twenty-eight bitches in my house butt naked waiting for me, you wouldn’t believe me. I’d say you stink, say Get out my face, give him $100, and say Get the fuck.

Ok, well, other than the fact that he completely changes perspective of narration in the middle of his thought and ends with a sentence fragment, the rest of this example...makes no sense.

But if there was a book that said, there was this bum with a mansion with twenty bitches in it, you’ll try to use it and put it toward real life.

What. the. fuck. are. you. even. TRYING. to. say?

Hey Weezy...maybe...Idunno...write some of these ideas down first the next time you get interviewed?

If I'm gunned down, check Lil Wayne's prints. And Pemulis's. It was one of them...and you can BULEE DAT. Even though it was written down (?!?).

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Entering With Intent to What?

Not to be all Debby Downer, but before I get to the funny part of this news item, I want to acknowledge that yes, in the fracas, one of these:

Gets taped to one of these:

And then chokes to death. I admit it, it's awful. You win, jerk. And seriously, who tapes a dog to a tree? The same type of person who would break into your house and beat you about the face
with a dildo, apparently.

Mackay Magistrates Court was told that Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mount Pleasant near Mackay, and a 21-year-old woman broke into a Mackay home at 3am on Monday.

Alright, so far so expected, this is Australia after all. Founded by criminals and etc. ad hilarium. Please continue...

The court was told Burke wore a black leather mask and was armed with a large rubber dildo wrapped in duct tape, which he used to assault the 49-year-old female occupant of the house.

So basically, the gimp broke into a middle aged woman's house and beat her with a dildo. Now I'm sure you are wondering why someone would do this, or perhaps you are wondering: But so then what happened? Well, half of you are in luck.

Burke then allegedly assaulted the woman about the face and head with the dildo leaving her with bruising and small bumps to the face.

So apparently, in case you wanted to know, the guy assaulting this woman was a huge wimp, because he beat her about the face and left her with... bruising and small bumps. I'm sure you've noticed that thus far there's been no mention of robbery or anything like that, even though I've mentioned it a few times now. Please know that at no point does the article even mention it, except to say that they were charged with it.

The mother, together with her 19-year-old son, who witnessed the event, then escaped the home. Burke and his female co-accused then allegedly took the family dog, a Lahsa Apso, to a nearby park where they taped the animal to a tree, causing it to choke to death.

So they beat this lady in front of her kid... then left to... kill their dog? Is it me or does it seem like maybe there's some important info missing in this whole article. Did the 19 year old just kind of sit there? Any particular reason they up and left with the dog? Did they steal anything? What the hell, article?

Police have charged the pair with robbery with violence, wilful killing of an animal and entering a dwelling with intent. Burke was remanded in custody to reappear in Mackay Magistrates Court on Wednesday, while his co-accused was released on bail to appear in the same court on January 29.

So... How did they get caught?! God, I hate articles like this. They tell you everything except what you want to know. Did they go to a 7/11 with dildo and gimp mask still on and get ID'd or something? Did they give themselves up? Did they steal a giant billboard or something else easily visible? And seriously... INTENT TO WHAT?!?!!? The burglary thing is covered, so it can't be that right? The animal killing is covered so it can't be that right? Intent to use a dildo? And back to the main thing that struck me (no pun intended I promise) as odd about this article is: Why use a dildo? Couldn't you have just as easily used a stick from a tree right outside the house or something? Unless you're trying to create a name for yourselves a la the Wet/Sticky Bandits. I don't know. Could work I suppose. What do you think, The Cocky Bandits?

Do You Need Health Insurance?


Bitches, hoes, hustlas, pimps, playas, prozzies, and old dudes who stand on the corner trading blow J's for metro cards (hi Jerrell!),

I have returned.

...The fuck do you mean, you didn't know I had gone anywhere?!?!? I haven't been blogging for like, weeks! I was being held down by the MAN (which, in this case I believe to be the firewalls set up at my place of employment). I have RISEN ABOVE. Really? Never noticed? I mean, you haven't seen heror him
Really? None of this rings a-- fuck it. Let's dance.

Court OKs sex between teachers, 18-year-olds

Ain't no party like a stat rape party cuz a stat rape party DON'T STOP!!!!

Well, I guess it do stop when the po-po roll up and hear your mix CD of all the "sexiest" Jonas Brothers songs and see all the Zimas with Jolly Ranchers dissolving in them. Sometimes the party don't even get to start at all, and then you just have to talk to this dude. BUZZKILL, amiright? Anyhoo,

SEATTLE - Washington state law does not bar teachers from having consensual sex with 18-year-old students, an appeals court ruled Tuesday in dismissing a case against a former high school choir teacher.

I am literally ALREADY enrolled in a teaching certification program in Seattle. I think the lady in enrollment got a little weirded out when I made her swear on her children's lives (twice) that this whole "OK to poke 18-y's thing" was legit. Whatevs. People can judge me all they want. I defer to a much wiser man than I: (0:50 mark)

So this whole thing is about some teacher in Washington who was diddling the piddle with a student of his. An 18 year old student of his. People had a "problem" with this, presumably because it might "compromise" her getting a fair shake at school, perhaps getting an automatic "A" on the midterm if she let him do it indabutt or something.

Oh and also because she's a little kid and he's in his 30's.

But what people are neglecting to see here is that this is AMERICA, fuckheads. If something is technically legal, it doesn't matter if it's actually the "wrong" thing to do, or if it's "unethical" or if it "fucks up the psyche of a delicate impressionable youth for the rest of her life." All that shit is for tree fucking pansy lovin hippy farts who'd rather make out in a tub of cafe lattes and tranny jizz than say the Pledge of 'Legiance. Legal or not legal..."unlegal," we'll call it. That's it.

[Kiddy fucker] challenged a judge's refusal to dismiss his case, arguing the student wasn't a minor because she was 18.
BLAM!!! Count tha shellz, SUCKADUCK! LEGAL.
Hirschfelder, who was 33 at the time, also denies any sexual relationship occurred.
HAH! Are you fuckin' serious? I would've paid good money to be there for this guy's defense claims...

This is PREPOSTEROUS!!! The girl is 18. 18!!!!!! She's not a minor! I did not have sex with a minor!!! She's 18!!! This is AMERICA, I should be able to tie her up and harness her to a Cirque de Soleil-style series of wires and pulleys, don a similar contraption and fuck her in a simulated zero-gravity Tarzan swing-fucking type situation!!! She's 18 FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Oh. And um, also...I did not have sexual relations with that girl. WOMAN! I meant woman, she's 18, she's a woman, and what I did is TOTALLY LEGAL!!! I mean, what i would've done...if I had...copulated...with this gi-- woman. But I didn't. Fuck her, that is. Um...can I start over?
Sexual contact with students younger than 16 is considered child rape or molestation; the age of consent in Washington is 16.
DAYUM, son. 16 is the age of consent? That's EDIT: My lawyer suggested I refrain from letting you know how I feel about boinking 16 year olds. BUZZKILL

Oh by the way, I decided to do a little investigative journalism for this piece, and looked up the laws regarding sexual contact in West Virginia. All I found in the state records was this picture:

That's all. Nice to be back, pigfuckers.

Bank Error In Your Favor, Just Remember to Play it Cool

If you're like me, you've played plenty of games of Monopoly. Well, if you're like me you've played like, 1/3 of plenty of games of Monopoly before you were bored out of your mind. Anyway, one of the best Chance cards was always "Bank Error in your favor. Collect $500." This always seemed like an awesome development. What if the bank accidentally put extra money in your account? You win right? Well, wrong. I guess.

A Pennsylvania couple is behind bars after police say they failed to call the bank when a glitch put an extra $175,000 in their account.

You can go to jail for this? Why? The bank fucked up. How is that your problem? Bank error in my favor! If all of a sudden a ton of money shows up in my bank account, I'm not going to question it, I'm going to say "holy fuck I'm packing up my shit, closing that account, buying a house somewhere and starting a new life!" Once that money is in my account, it's my money. I don't care who put it there or why. It could be drug money for all I care. Hell, I hope it is drug money. Why not! Seriously though. Let's say you suddenly find your bank account having more money in it than you make in a year. Are you really going to want to call anyone and say "Excuse me, suddenly I have all this money, and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't." And you shouldn't have to! The bank fucked up, it's their problem, not yours.

Did Preston have to do time too?

Authorities say 50-year-old Randy Pratt and 36-year-old Melissa Pratt instead withdrew the money, quit their jobs and moved to Florida.

See, at first I was thinking "Stupid, they should have played it cool, like as if nothing happened, just hang low, then when the time is right, bolt in the night." But then after reading this a few times, I thought "When would the time be right? If they notice the error, could they just take it out, without even telling you? Maybe they did the right thing immediately getting the fuck out of dodge."

They were buying a house in the Orlando area when the mistake was traced.

Here's what I don't get. What is their crime, exactly? Closing their bank account? Spending money in their own bank account? Can't you just tell the bank to fuck off and get a bailout?

The two were arraigned Tuesday on theft and other charges and jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail. A public defender was being assigned.

How is this theft?! If someone hands you a hundred dollar bill, then after you've left, calls you and says "Oh shit, I only meant to give you a five." Have you stolen? I don't get it.

A $1,772.50 deposit showed up in their FNB Bank account last summer as $177,250.

Whoopsy! Oh well, not their fucking problem! I wish I knew someone in banking or something who could help explain this to me. I also wish I knew someone at Milton Bradley, because they're going to have to change those chance cards to "Bank error in your favor, collect $500. Then make sure you give it back to the banker so you don't wind up in jail. That's right, you could do time for having a dumb banker." Of course they may have to drop the font size a smidge, but that's neither here nor there.

Police say Melissa Pratt said her husband, a roofing installer, often got large checks and she wasn't aware of any error.

Ok. While that's pretty obviously a lie, isn't that fair though? "Sure I had $8 in my checking account, but I get big checks all the time, so I totally had no clue, and I assure you the closing of the account and moving and buying a house are all just coincidental, now kindly fuck off."

This is an issue I will be very confused about for some time to come. If anyone would care to explain it to me, I' m all ears. Except it should be pretty clear by now that I've made up my mind on the matter so any and all arguments not in agreement with my sentiments will be ignored.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sometimes The Fact That Things Are Actually Things Blows My Mind

What you are about to see is a real ad. It is for a real product, that is really for sale. I recommend watching in its entirety, as it gets better with each passing second. Please remember that this is real... Seriously.

Did you watch that? Good. Now let's all spend a minute or so collectively banging our heads against our desks to try and unremember what we've just seen.


No luck? Me either. Anyway, now that you know it's impossible to unsee that video, please understand a few key details.

1. That dad is so awesome that he only needed one take to come up with that glow in the dark towel jingle.

2. Who the fuck would ever need a glow in the dark towel?! Do you know anyone who showers in the dark?

3. That dad has no shame about stealing his daughters laptop and then using it in very public places despite the unicorn stickers or whatever those are on the back of it. Good for him.

4. If you're in a band and the band tells you the songs you've been writing suck... is there any better way to win them back than with a really shitty song about how all your songs have been really shitty?

Anyway, lest you think that this is a totally useless and stupid product, I would like to present you with Exhibit A, or, evidence that it is completely pointless for anyone else to even bother using Songsmith, because it has already reached its pinnacle.

To Be Fair, That's What You Get

If this story were reversed, I'd kind of understand it. But as it stands now, some schmo beat up the best thing that ever happened to him because instead of buying him a remote controlled airplane for Christmas, she bought him a nintendo wii (true story, I once drove behind a guy with the vanity plate "RC BOATER." Yikes.).

A couple accused of assaulting each other over an unappreciated Christmas gift have been ordered to stay away from each other.

Seriously though, how shitty a present must it have been to cause you to assault someone...over a gift! Christ almighty this type of shit drives me bananas, and not
in a good way.

Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, were arrested on Christmas day. Police said the pair argued after Blom complained about getting a Wii game system from Young instead of the remote controlled airplane he asked for. When Young started to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her by the hair and she turned around and hit him.

Now. Here's how one should react when receiving any sort of nintendo system as a gift:

And here is how you should react whenever you get a remote controlled airplane as a gift:

See the discrepancy? She knew better than to get him the stupid present he asked for, and yet he tried to punish her for getting him a far superior present. This is the type of situation where I'm all for capital punishment.

In court Monday, Young asked that the no-contact order be lifted, saying they just had a bad Christmas. But the judge denied the request.

The judge probably would have been more sympathetic if he had told him he just had a black Christmas. Because holy hell does that seem like the worst thing ever. Anyway, so I guess my question is what is such an obviously awesome girl doing with such a complete shitbag? Couldn't she get away with stabbing him a couple times? "Your honor, he came at me after I gave him a wii instead of a remote controlled airplane." "My dear, I sentence you to... finish the job!" [judge tosses Randi an AK47, she shoots and murders Heath, everyone plays Mario Party]

sometimes there are no words.

via the ridiculant.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Goodness, Gracious, Etc.

Just like that, except way, way worse.

An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder.

That's right. She lit his nuts on fire... and it killed him. Now, far be it from me to claim to be any sort of detective-y type guy, but this seems a tad drastic, even if you've got indisputable evidence. She thought he was cheating? Because lighting his dongle on fire seems like a knee-jerk reaction to maybe catching him in the act while he's cheating on you with your mom and doing it on your kid's bed or something... so what did this guy do, exactly?

Prosecutors said 44-year-old Rajini Narayan confessed to neighbors that she set her husband on fire on Dec. 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman.


He hugged a woman. Is that even grounds for suspicion? Couldn't you have just said "Who was that woman you were hugging?" As opposed to the usual "Give me your dick so I can set it ablaze!" Granted, I don't like people squeezing me with their bodies, so I'm no hugspert, but isn't that pretty innocuous? Maybe the woman saved him from a burning building, or returned a missing wallet or something. Of course, as always, this story gets better, so buckle up and keep all appendages inside the blogicle... or whatever. Shut up.

She was initially charged with endangering life and arson but the charges were upgraded to murder after her 47-year-old husband, Satish Narayan, died from his injuries last week.

So this guy gets his penis burned so badly that he's in the hospital for multiple weeks... Then dies from the injuries. And you wonder why people hate the Australians. Or maybe you don't. Do people hate Australians? Anyway, how'd she pull this off ?

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire.

Well, no of course not. Why else would you light a sleeping man on fire, starting with the genital region?

Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

Oh... I... see? So if you severely burn his dick, no one else will want it... except... you? The ol' light his dick on fire to spite others vaginas... or something. At what point does logic just stop occurring in people's brains? Shit like this will never make sense to me. But so anyway how the hell did this end up killing this poor bastard?

The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

So it's his own fucking fault! Obviously don't knock over a bottle of alcohol when you're on fire mate! Did a dingo eat your brainby?[note to self: delete that, it's fucking awful] Seriously though, what the fucking fuck.

Narayan was remanded in custody for psychological assessment and will reappear in court Friday. She has been charged with murder, arson and three counts of endangering life, as the couple's three children were at home during the incident.

Whoa. Way to drop a bombshell there at the end, buck-o. They had three kids? Note to crazies: don't light shit in your house on fire when you have several sleeping children in said house. Also, I wonder how her psych evaluation will turn up. You think she'll be found to be fucking crackers? Also, this article never really gets to the most important aspect of this whole ordeal. Was the guy cheating on her or what?! Because if he was, he totally deserves that shit.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Wherever You Go, Never Order 'The Squeeze'

Happy New Year Everyone! Welcome back for another year of stupid crap, obvious jokes, and horrifying news related to genitals.

Today I'd like to you to take away at least two lessons from this post. You can consider them things you can try to do this year to make it better than '08. First, never ask for 'the squeeze'. Secondly, and perhaps most important in your endeavors - as a way to avoid 'the squeeze' in the first place - if you are going to rob an old lady, remember to wear clothes.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

Ok. So is there anything more humiliating than getting your robbery plot foiled by a geriatric woman? Oh right, getting your plot foiled by a geriatric woman who squeezes the shit out of your cock and nuts to do so. Also, was anyone else wondering how long it had been since she had someones dongle in her hand? I would say at least 2.5 decades. Does it make me fucked up that that was the first thing I wondered? No? Phew.

Let me at those nuts!!

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

Did you really have to say "tore" free? If you had just said "freed himself" or something, we would have gotten the same idea. You didn't have to write this such that anyone with meat and 'taters would cross their legs and cringe whilst reading, did you?

McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.

They also then had the woman describe what he looked like, and the approximate size and shape of his penis and testicles.

Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.

...And fin. Nowhere does it explain why this man went into this old woman's house. So i suppose burglary is a safe assumption...BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS HE NAKED?! Maybe he thought the sight of a live penis would give the old bird a heart attack and he could rob her without having to worry about getting 'the squeeze'. Maybe she was a GGILF? Maybe he was robbed and was just looking for some kind soul to lend him some pants, and accidentally knocked her down. I am going to break this case wide open if it's the last thing I do! I'm going to put the system on trial!

UPDATE: Now with creepy video!