Tuesday, September 30, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I Just Want to Hug It Out Bro!

Bro. Dude. Come on dude. Bro, don't arrest me. Come on dude. Brah. Dude looked like he needed a hug. Come on bro. Let's just hug it out, do a couple jager bombs and forget this shit bro.

A hug has landed an Iowa City man in hot water. An Iowa City man who thought a police officer just "needed a hug" faces several charges including assault on a peace officer and public intoxication.

Dude I was fucking shithoused bro! Cop was being gay and I told him he needed a hug and shit. It was awesome! Dude was all "get away" and I was like "Come on Officer Needsahug, get that shit out. Don't be such a homo and just fucking hug a bro." Dude I was soooo wasted. Officer O'Nofun was not having any of that shit bro.

Police said a 21-year-old man was arrested on Saturday. According to police records, the man ran up to the officer and stuck out his arms.

Yea, I ran up to the dude because he was looking fucking lonely bro! Yes I was fucking super twisted on fucking vodka sodas and some serious jager bombing, but bro was fuckin' dying for a little bro-love. I stuck out my arms in bro-salutation style Holmes! I didn't know they added to their motto and made it To Protect and Serve and be a Fucking Dick bro.

When the officer told the man to put his hands behind his head, he refused. He was then handcuffed.

I refused to put my hands behind my head because it was Hug It Out time bro! Fucking Officer McGayballs was being a total shitfuck. What are they going to charge me with, being an awesome dude? Because fucking guilty as motherfucking charged, son! Also can I get my one phone call? My mom is going to be like so fucking pissed at me.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Domesticated Ungulate!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Middletown: Uh Oh, Michelle is back on the pipe. Well guess what. I'm not. You think I wanted to go through a magical transformation into this bovine creature you see before you? I didn't. I didn't ask for this shit, but here I am.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically. Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit.

You can't arrest a cow for being a cow! How you gunna play me like that? Yea I disrupted traffic, I'm a cow! Just point me in the direction of the nearest field and be on your way! And yes I was chasing children, but those little fuckers were trying to milk me! That is for me and my babies. You do not touch my udders without permission.

She also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, police say.

Of course I pissed on his porch. Where you want me to piss, the toilet? I'm a domesticated ungulate, not a super domesticated ungulate! I piss where I piss. I told you, get me back to my grazin' field or you are going to be lookin' at some seriously nasty cow pies on your porch next.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

You bet your humanoid ass there would be problems! Thems aint no threat. That shit is fact, mon frair. How you gunna put a cow in jail? I'm-a need some grass patches and ample space for roaming and cow-pie leavin', and you talking bout a small-ass cell.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

What part of magical transformation don't you get, motherfucker?

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

What I tell you?! Look at me, fuckface! I aint no costume-wearin loonytoon! I'm a boner-fied domesticated motherfucking ungulate. UNGULATE I SAY!! You about to have a cattle beast all up in your grill fucking your porch up Bos taurus style.


Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Hahahahahaha

You see, it's funny because he has a mental handicap.

Or wait is that why it isn't funny?

No. No, I'm pretty sure that's why it's
damned funny.

Monday, September 29, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Lycanthrope!

Now I know what you're thinking, San Jose: Oh brother, he's on the PCP again. Well, guess what, assholes, I don't think any side affect of PCP includes feeling extra lupine. Hey, what's that? Is that wolfsbane? Fuck off with that shit! I need to feeeeeeeed. What do you mean I'm acting bizarre? You're talking like this is the first time this has ever happened to someone!

Just outside the California-Hawaiian Mobile Estates at 10:45 p.m., officers responded to complaints of a man "howling at the moon and acting bizarre,'' according to police logs.

I guess it could seem bizarre to a small minded human, but I've got werefeelings! And now you've gone and hurt them! We werefolk are just like you! We like to hang out, have a good time, pound a few brews (one of our few weaknesses is the silver bullet), and sometimes fuck shit up old school.

Police say a man allegedly high on PCP had damaged the inside of someone's trailer in the mobile home park and was "out of control.'' The man was taken to Valley Medical Center, and booked on suspicion of vandalism and of being under the influence of PCP.

It is irresponsible to blame my wereactions on PCP. Sure I was taking PCP, but I'm a werewolf. Occasionally we need to howl at the moon and fuck up some trailer parks. It's called science, dickweed. Look it up.

I didn't ask to be born a werewolf. It was not a choice. My mother made some bad decisions with a malignant sorcerer's football team (let's just say it gave whole new meaning to the saying "those kids ran the train to Hogwart's") and 9 months later I came along, furry and furious with an insatiable appetite for destruction and extra rare meat.
I'm sorry if part of my werewolf religion consists of smoking PCP and breaking your shit, ok? I can't help it. You guys have driven me nuts with your judgements. Fuck this, I'm leaving and going back to Branham High.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Just a Mega-Pirate Army, Folks, Nothing to See Here


We here at the 'Mauf enjoy adding a little levity to the drone of the workday. A chuckle here, a slight guffaw there (for our southern and midwestern readers); all in all, a pretty merry time.

Well now we're gonna talk about a possible candidate for "Thing That Causes Apocalypse," so buckle up and stop whining before I slap you in the chin with my dick.

Cuz a dick'll make you slap somebody.

KIEV, Ukraine - A Ukrainian ship seized off Somalia by pirates had 33 Russian T-72 tanks in its cargo, officials said Friday.
Yeah, you fuckin' read that right. A ship carrying 33 of these:
was TAKEN BY FUCKING PIRATES!!! Like, "yargh, matey, fairly warned be thee, says I" pirates.

One mo' gin. This:
FILLED with a bunch of these:
Is now the property of him:
Ok. Moving along.

Ukrainian Defense Minister Yury Yekhanurov told reporters that the cargo on the ship, the Faina, also included "a substantial quantity of ammunition and spare parts,"
Why the fuck was this a necessary press release? I mean yes, this is valuable information for coountries who may possibly have to deal with sudden pirate invasions ("look at these jagballs, I betcha they don't even have ammunition, OR spare parts, let's go kick some-- **gets shot, dies**), but do you really have to press the PANIC button for the whole world? "Oh just in case you were wondering, YEA, you should've really already shit your pants about this by now."

The hijacking brings the number of attacks off Somalia to 61 this year, and pirates are now holding 14 ships and more than 300 crew members
Wait, holding more than 300 crew members? (and while we're at it holding more than 300 crew members???) Are we really under the assumption that the pirates have a large, highly-advanced prison system, or a "fun-time prisoner island" situation with a BBQ and steel drum band every Wednesday? More likely something like this happened...300 times in a row:


Oh. Another thing...um...nation of Ukraine?


Yekhanurov said the tanks had been sold "in accordance with international law," according to Mudrak.
Oh. Well ok then. Yekawhateverthefuckidon'tcare is the Ukrainian Defense Minister, so excuse me if I say I wouldn't buy this bullshit even if she was part of the deal.

Russia said Friday
Fuck you, Russia! Who the hell asked you?!?

...I'm just playin' Russia, you know I love you. Now what's good?

Russia said Friday it has sent a patrol ship from Russia's Baltic Sea fleet to the area, but a navy statement did not specifically mention the seizure of the Ukrainian ship.

"Hyello Rah-ssian peeg dog sea colonel." What nyews hyave yyou?"

"Ahm, lyet mee see hyere...dere wahs sahm dolphins, um...Ivan got kinda sea seeck on de way back...may or may not hyave been a huge hijacking of sahm sheep with myany tyanks ohn eet. Y'know, nah-ting spyecial."

Obviously, Ukraine is calling fyor-- ahem, for serious action.

"There must be a deterrent for the pirates not to attack the ships. If there is no deterrent, it will continue," he said.
See, now I normally wouldn't perform an elaborate imitaion of a retarded person right to someone's face to illustrate just how stupid the statement they had made was. I'll make an exception this time.

So, to recap, a massive group of pirates somehow overtook an entire Ukrainian cargo ship holding literally hundreds of millions of dollars of weaponry, and made off with it scott-free, and are now out there, somewhere, deciding exactly how they want to use their newly acquired army. Oh, and it's my friend Mary's birthday. Happy Bday Mary!!!

Population Control I can Get Behind!

Louisiana Republican State Rep. John LaBruzzo is in a little bit of hot water for his ideas on population control, though they seem pretty rock solid to me. If you are a poor woman, you can make one thousand dollars the hard way (whore), or the easy way (get your tubes tied!). If you are a poor man, you can make a cool five hundo the hard way (find a job), or the easy way (vasectomy!). If you are a college educated couple, you can get tax incentives the hard way (donate to charity), or the easy way (make a supergeniusbaby!). Annnnd we're off!

As Hurricane Gustav loomed off the coast of Louisiana, thousands of impoverished people flocked into shelters, where some of them seemed unprepared to take care of their young children's basic needs, forgetting to bring along diapers or medicine.

Solution: Don't have babies in the first place, you mo-rons!

That heartbreaking scenario inspired Louisiana Republican State Rep. John LaBruzzo to start thinking about ways to stem generational welfare, in which many welfare recipients have children who also end up dependent on government assistance, according to the representative.

His idea -- giving $1,000 to poor women to undergo reproductive sterilization by Fallopian tube ligation -- is stirring up controversy among some medical professionals, who say that the proposal is offensive and smacks of long-discredited eugenics programs.
LaBruzzo has also suggested other controversial ideas: paying poor men to get vasectomies and giving tax incentives for college-educated wealthy couples to have more children.

What is most astounding is that I am willing to bet one months salary (roughly 3$) that this is also a man who is against sex ed being taught to teens and against condoms being distributed in schools. Any takers?

And for those of you who don't know eugenics, here's a little

Beginning with Connecticut in 1896, many states enacted marriage laws with eugenic criteria, prohibiting anyone who was "epileptic, imbecile or feeble-minded" from marrying. In 1898 Charles B. Davenport, a prominent American biologist, began as director of a biological research station based in Cold Spring Harbor where he experimented with evolution in plants and animals. In 1904 Davenport received funds from the Carnegie Institution to found the Station for Experimental Evolution. The Eugenics Record Office opened in 1910 while Davenport and Harry H. Laughlin began to promote eugenics.

So essentially separating the wheat from the chaff, as it were. It must suck to think about having a baby and then finding out you're too feeble-minded to be allowed to have one. Or maybe not. I guess if you are that feeble-minded, when you get the news you probably just go, "I can has a cookie now?" Or whatever.

LaBruzzo, who claimed that his constituents have complained about food stamp recipients driving Mercedes and Lexus luxury cars, denied that his idea was similar to eugenics, policies of selective breeding that were used in Nazi Germany and were popular in the U.S. in the late 19th and early 20th century.

Oh, well shit I didn't know you guys were going to clarify. Don't make me have to start reading entire articles before I start writing, motherfucker. This shit's like three pages long. THREE!!! Anyway, luxury cars and welfare, luxury cars and welfare... why does that sound... OH YEA!

Sorry, anyway.

"I don't know how it's eugenics if it's voluntary, and how can it be racist if the majority of people on welfare are white?" he said.

Except it's not really voluntary is it? You think some poor woman who could desperately use a thousand bucks isn't going to do it? Even though let's say her dream is to one day be a motocross racer and raise a brood of children and live on the moon. You think she's not going to take the grand? And also you don't know how giving tax breaks to college educated people who have children is eugenics? What if there's a multi-thousandaire who only has his GED but runs a successful chain of car washes. Does he get a tax break too? Am I being serious about this article? Even I don't understand my tone at this point.

"Such bribes don't work," says Julie Mickelberry, spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood of Louisiana and the Mississippi Delta. "It doesn't solve the underlying issues -- access to health care and paying jobs. If he'd like to ensure that men and women aren't having too many children, then he should propose legislation to make sure that health care and education to prevent unwanted pregnancy is available to everyone."

Julie then added, "Yes, my name is Mickelberry. Please stop giggling, what are you, fucking five?" But still though, nice burn.

"I've never heard of such a program. One of the countries that has the most Draconian policies is China, but that's with the stick rather than the carrot," she[Emily Jackson, a professor of law at the London School of Economics and the author of "Regulating Reproduction." ] said. "Regardless of whether it works, it's such a massive interference with people's right to make decisions about their own bodies."

I'm not sure how it's an interference on people's rights to make decisions about their bodies, really though. I mean, one time my friends paid me 8 dollars to eat some goose shit. It's my body and I can do what I want with it. This is pretty much exactly like that. Except that the goose shit and I never even tried to make a baby together, so I guess if there's any difference at all it's that.

Sir, You Can Bleed All You Want, You're NOT Getting out of this Ticket

So a 62-year old man was hit by a truck in Boise Idaho's "booming" downtown area this past Wednesday.

So you know he's in big trouble.

A man who was hit by a truck near the city's downtown was also slapped with a citation.
Now, I like adding insult to injury as much as the next guy (actually I think I like it significantly more than the next guy), but isn't this a bit ridiculous? Did they really need to punish a dude who just got runned the shit over by a truck with a ticket? What possible reason could

Boise police ticketed Ebrahim Balah, 62, for jaywalking shortly after the accident Wednesday.
Ah. I see. My guess: Ebrahim Balah looks like this:

Which, translated through the filters of unbridled ignorance that form a thick film over white people's brains in the Midwest, looks like this:
"Welp, it looks pretty much like it was God's plan for this guy to get hit by the truck. He was probably tryin' ta blow it up or something anyways. What? The truck driver stopped? Why? Tell him not to worry about it. Give'm a high fiver fer me. Fuckin muslins."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Assault with a (Silent But)Deadly Weapon - UPDATE!!

Alright, this one might just be too(t) good to be true. A gentleman was pulled over under suspicion of DWI, and on top of failing three separate sobriety tests, he also got booked for battery. Why? Because he platter-served one of the cops his fart.

A man has been charged with battery on a police officer for allegedly passing gas and fanning it toward a patrolman.

Guess what, if I lived anywhere near West Virginia, I would stand outside that jail with a sign declaring this man to be the greatest American hero of our life time. Of course if I lived in WVA I would be married to my cousin, so I guess I'll just admire him from afar and leave it at that.

Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.

All sounds like SOP thus far.

As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

I kind of took a leap of faith before when I said he platter-served the cop. But I'm going to go ahead and say that it's safe to assume he handed it to the officers face, because like why wouldn't you, you're already busted for DWI... oh fuck. right. Battery charges. Let's just take a gander at that for a second.

At common law, simple battery is a misdemeanor and the elements of the offense are:
An unlawful application of force;
To the person of another;
Resulting in either bodily injury or an offensive touching.

So... farting loudly and possibly-not-really-probably-for-real throwing it at the cop falls under which of these categories, exactly? This is exactly the type of bullshit Ice-T was referring to when he said "Fuck tha po-lice."

Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

I sincerely hope somewhere video exists of this ordeal. How much would you pay to see this drunken asshole fan his fart at a cop while being booked for DWI? Because I personally wouldn't pay any money. But that's due to lack of funds, rather than a lack of will. So, I guess what I'm really saying is: Can I borrow some money.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

He insulted me with his fart! Come on! This charge has to get thrown out, right? Like how the fuck do you prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it's flatus of a provoking nature? What does that even mean?

He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

Yea, well those kind of make sense... Fair enough, but don't you have to like, give him leniency for being a bad ass? Who farts at cops? I mean, besides drunken jackasses, I guess.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

Cruz only admitted it because he knew they would bust him with the 17th Amendment: He who denied it supplied it. But seriously, I never made it past grade 6. If you're going to not let him go take a shit when the man is hammered and sick-ish, then you should be fucking grateful that all you got was a fart to the face. You could be looking at a station floor full of liquid shit that just reeks of Jose Cuervo and shame.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

No. Come on brother, you're better than that. You shouldn't hold it no mo'.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

I would be upset if I was hammered and had to take a breathalyzer test, too. So I can totally relate to this guy right now.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

Well yea, obviously. Fart are hilarious. I guess lesson being try not to aim it at a cop's face. Or do. I don't give a fuck. My guess is that he probably served the fart to some loser cop no one likes and everyone else laughed but this loser cop was a vindictive asshole who could use some good face-farting. Take that fucker down an olfactory peg or two.

"This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."

To which someone reminded him, "Dude, you got busted for drunk driving and obstruction."
A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.
The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.
When reached for comment, the prosecutor's office said: "Well, we read this blog and this Pemulis fellow made some really good points. We would like to apologize to Mr. Cruz for not letting him take a drunk dump and would like to thank him for not loosing his bowels all over our floor. This man is a hero, and deserves to be treated like one. And besides, that cop had it coming, fucking dick."

Just a Dollop of Dipsh*t

I'd compare this story to a lobster: not a lot of meat to it, but what meat there is, is soooooo tasty.

FOND DU LAC, Wis. -- A father who bought a beer for his 4-year-old son at the Fond du Lac County Fair and shared it with the boy's 2-year-old sibling was cited after becoming belligerent when he was approached by police.
Ok, time for everyone's favorite activity (that's a lie, it's not even my favorite activity), "Google image search 'Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin' and post the first pic that comes up!!!"








Yup, first pic that came up. Honest to God. Scout's honor. No need to even check it.

You spelled it wrong anyway...

When he was questioned by an officer, he told him it's legal for underage children to drink in Wisconsin, as long as they're with their parents. The officer countered that the boys weren't old enough to know what they were drinking.
Nice response. Another acceptable retort would've been "um...no it's not you slack jawed cow fucking yokle," followed by a healthy tasering and eventual arrest. I like that this skid mark of a human being was trying to explain the law to a cop. That's like being pulled over for DWI, throwing up on the cops shoes, and then arguing with him about how not drunk you are.

A police report said the man began yelling and swearing and was kicked off the fairgrounds. The Fond du Lac County district attorney recently requested that the man be cited for disorderly conduct.

Disorderly conduct and...

Disorderly conduct and...

Disorderly conduct and...


...wait, really just disorderly conduct? Totes cool that he was trying to get a 4 year old drunk? And a 2 year old drunk as well?

Fuckin' Midwest.

Note to World: Never Get Circumcised in Kansas

Unfortunately, the story I am about to relate is kind of well-worn territory here at The Gallimaufry. If you are too lazy to click that link, or don't remember the story, here's your warning: What follows is going to be about a man who had his dongle removed while unconscious.

A Shelby County man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man's penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit.

I like that they added in that the doctors didn't have his consent. Like after you read amputated penis you might think to yourself, "Well if he said it was alright..."

According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton went to have a circumcision last October. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure, he realized his penis had been amputated.

How old is this guy to be having a circumcision? Isn't there a like, statute of limitations on that sort of thing? And if he's only 8 days old he shouldn't be married or able to communicate as well as he seems to be able to. Anyway, Jaysus. Try to imagine some kind of worse scenario to wake up to. Can you? I can't. Its got to be bad enough going under and knowing that two people you don't really know are going to be working on your wiener with scalpels. "I'm just going to take a little nap here and lets these guys have at my cock with insanely sharp knives. Whatever though, it's not like they're cutting my dick off." He has to be like, legally allowed to kill these doctors right?

Seaton has suffered mental anguish, pain, and has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Yea no shit. Being surrounded by like a million adorable kittens couldn't bring you back from this kind of abyss.

Kevin George, the plaintiff's attorney, said [Dr. Kevin] Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin.

When then asked to clarify, Patterson added, "It was one of those explosive-type cancer situations. I knew that if I didn't make the executive decision to cut that sucker off, his penis could have exploded any second!" He then added, for seemingly no good reason, "Besides, it's not like we took off much more than we would have had we only done the circumcision." Phillip Seaton then replied, "Who am I, this guy?" When further questioned about who exactly "this guy" was, Seaton replied, "Oh, well I'm assuming this will all be turned into text and 'this guy' will link to an obscure blog's post about a guy with a tiny penis."

"Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, 'Here are your options. You have cancer,' and the family would have said, 'We want a second opinion. This is a big deal,'" George said.

Ummm... yea, that sounds way more reasonable than just hacking the thing off... Wish I had a joke here but, damn boo. I never want to be in a position where I have to explain to a man upon waking up that I removed his penis, and try to explain that it was for his own good. Though I can't even begin to imagine how I might find myself in that position. If you'd like to write a short story in which I am the lead character and find myself in a position to do the aforementioned acts, please email it to me and I will post it right here on this blog.

The lawsuit also claims the plaintiff did not consent to general anesthesia.

But like why even bother adding that in when you more importantly never consented to having your goddamn dick removed!? If you'll excuse me I'm going to go find a quiet corner to weep in while balled up like a fetus and sucking my thumb.

The Seatons are seeking punitive damages against both doctors and the medical practice. Attorneys for the defendants will now have a chance to respond to the suit.

Attorneys are expected to say that Seaton just doesn't get the doctors sense of humor. Yes he removed his penis without consent...as a goof!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

News Media Agrees: 5th Times a Charm, DWI-wise

So there's a news story out about a gentleman who was polite to his arresting officer. I know what you're thinking: That hardly qualifies as news, really. Well guess what, I'm bored and it's a slow day, interesting news-wise, so here we are. Just sit back. Relax. Take off your pants. Unwind a little. Have a drink. Feather your bangs. Think about your dad. What's your dad like? I want to meet that dad!

What? Oh. Hi, sorry.

Do you have some booze you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

Instead of having a hostile reaction, a driver offered his thanks when officers pulled him over on suspicion of drunken driving for a fifth time.

Which might lead one to think: Maybe he learned this is the proper approach after being pulled over for DWI's FOUR FUCKING OTHER TIMES?! This is like a story where a kid who gets left back is then able to pass a test he had previously taken, except like he took a dump on it after he filled in all the right answers. Or something. I guess what I'm trying to say is like who fucking cares how polite he was when he was being arrested for a DWI for the 5th goddamn time?

A criminal complaint quoted 52-year-old David Hyland of Plymouth as saying, "Thank you very much for everything you've done for me" after he was stopped early last Friday.

Unfortunately, he wasn't talking to the cop. He was talking simultaneously to the beer in his hand and his penis.

The complaint says he added, "I shouldn't have been driving and deserve to get caught."

Like, congrats? Great? Oh look, he knows he fucked up, again. Let's pat him on the back about it! But in all seriousness for trusies, don't you think that maybe this guy has had a little practice on what to say and what not to say upon being arrested for DWI? I imagine it was a progressive learning experience.

First time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

David Hyland: No Officer, you can even ask your mother, because I'm actually coming from her house, where I just finished having an efficient session of sexual intercourse with her. She even let me ejaculate on your high school yearbook photo!

Second time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: Excuse me officer, have you been sucking cock tonight? Your breath smells like cock.

Third Time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: No, why? You trying to pick me up? You want to take me out for a drink? I'm so lonely. Are you lonely? Rub my leg a little, if you're lonely.

Fourth Time:

Cop: Hi David. Drunk again?

DH: Umm... no? I mean yes? I mean whats the answer I give to not get cold cocked or arrested? I better write this down.

After he failed field sobriety tests and registered a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, or over the limit of 0.08 percent, he told officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive.

It's a good thing he told the officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive, otherwise they would have had no idea! What with all the field sobriety tests and the blood tests and the what have yous. I just find it so odd that like, someone being polite while being arrested for their fifth DWI is somehow news worthy. Like who fucking cares, get back to me when he starts calling lady officers sugar tits and goes on rants blaming the Jews for all the worlds wars.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: A Tribute to Somebody Better Than You

Good morning to the mediocre masses!!!!:))))

A Tribute to Somebody Better Than You

Now, if you noticed that the world has seemed a little less awesome in the past few weeks it's because a James William "Jim" Adams has passed. I couldn't find a pic of Jim, but this is what I'd like to believe he looked like:

His obituary tends to agree with me, as it attributes "rocking out too hard" as the cause of death.
It was primarily as a result of being stubborn and not following doctor's orders or maybe for just living life a little too hard for better than five decades.
Yea, how many people do you know who died from being too kickass? LESS THAN NONE, THAT'S HOW MANY!
So maybe you're like, "Big whoop. I bet you lots of people died from living 'a little too hard.' What makes this guy so special?"
Do me a favor: die in a fire. And keep reading!!!!!:)))))

He was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date.

(rocks out on air guitar, knocks over lamp)

So okay, not only did he want to be run over by a beer truck, he wanted that beer truck to specifically be on its way to a liquor store (you know the old rhyme, "beer truck before liquor store, get fucked up quicker more"), and NOT ONLY a beer truck specifically on it's way to a liquor store, BUT with the ultimate purpose to procure booze for getting his date drunk enough to mash nasties.

American. Fucking. Hero.

True to his personal style, he spent his final hours joking with medical personnel, cussing and begging for narcotics and bargaining with God to look over his loving dog, Biscuit, and his family.

Now, if I hadn't read Leviticus and found out that God hates queers, I would probably go homo for this guy. FINAL HOURS, and this dude is still trying to catch a buzz. And what bargaining chips did Mr. Adams have on the table whilst ensuring through God that Biscuit (first) and family (second) would be safe? Was he offering to kill two hot blondes and a six pack right before he himself died so that they could have a kickass party the second he got to heaven? I'd like to think he was.

He would like to thank all "his ladies" for putting up with him the last 30 years.

James William "Jim" Adams =

During his life, he excelled at anything he put his mind to.

Incidentally, Mr. Adams only ever put his mind to one thing: being super way more better and awesomer than you. Way more.

Time to bring it home...

In lieu of flowers, he asks that you make a sizeable purchase at your favorite watering hole, get rip roaring drunk and tell the stories he no longer can.
Made up blogger identity aside, that seriously is one of the greatest things I've ever read. With the weekend just around the river bend, I suggest we all take Mr. Adams up on his suggestion. I know I'm going to be hitting on some busted ass old chick who looks like an angel through my beer goggles at my local dive.

As a personal homage to James William "Jim" Adams, here now, are a bunch of pictures of some really hot bitches. Jim would've wanted it this way.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Do What You Must to the House, Just Let Me POOP, Mr. Piggy!

I think I can safely say we've all had this happen to us at least once in our lives: you befriend a wild pig that's wandered in from a nearby rainforest, and all of a sudden, he's got you trapped in your bedroom while you really need to make a "number two."

Wait, this has never happened to you? Huh.

I guess you need to get out more, or something...

A pig named Bruce held an elderly woman hostage in her home in eastern Australia after she befriended the juvenile swine, which is the size of a Shetland pony.

It never says how they know that his name is Bruce. It doesn't seem like the old lady named him Bruce. I don't think they know his original owners. Name tag, maybe? Maybe an unmistakable "Bruce-ness" to him?

Ms Hayes had even nursed Bruce back from ill health, putting cream onto his infected eye. “When I first saw it, it had 15 ticks in its eyes which I actually took out with tweezers," she told Times Online.

Fucking EW. There's your problem, Ms. Hayes. The second you start creaming into someone's eye and picking ticks off them, you start asking for trouble. Trust me, this happened to me once, only it wasn't a pig it was a homeless dude, and it wasn't cream it was...

I digress...

But by 4am on Monday their friendship had soured when Bruce – a white boar pig weighing approximately 175 pounds (80kg) – began ramming Ms Hayes’s bedroom door, grunting loudly and demanding to be fed.

"Fed," eh? Just speaking from experience, when I'm banging my head against the bedroom door of some unsuspecting chiquita, grunting loudly and making demands, they're generally not for a chicken quesadilla, if ya know what I mean, huh? (nudges) HEH?

He became so aggressive that--

Buttsex. Is what I was referencing before. And why the shit do they keep making out like this pig is a person? How, exactly, was he demanding to be fed? I mean, we can assume that's what he wanted, (because honestly, what the fuck else does a pig do other than eat or get ate) but let's not print speculation as fact, ok?!?!?!1!?

And this...is where the article takes an...interesting turn.

He became so aggressive that the pensioner could not leave her bedroom in order to go to the outside toilet.

Ok, so not totally necessary to mention the fact that she had to use the bathroom (I'm pretty sure the rampaging pig angle could've run on its own), but whatevs, no biggie, just painting a full picture.

“He was head-butting the door really hard, and snorting really loudly,” Ms Hayes said. “But I really needed to go to the toilet so I opened the door and he pushed me so hard I fell over.

That must've been some shit she had to take. I'm sorry but if this

Is outside my door banging like a wild fucker, I'm going to at least consider pooping in the wastepaper basket.

In the melee Bruce bit Ms Hayes’s leg and arm. “I was so scared I stayed in my room for about two hours until I couldn’t wait to go to the toilet anymore.”

She was finally able to make a run for the lavatory by coaxing the pig outside


Throughout the next few hours [while Ms Hayes took a MEGAshit] Bruce proceeded to trash her garden, dragging a mattress out of a garage and ripping it to shreds, and also – rather cleverly – rolling up a doormat with its snout.
So it trashes her garden, fucks up her garage, and then...neatly rolls up her doormat? I mean, did Bruce use it to bash in some windows, or was he just like, "Oy mate, someone could trip an' faw ova dese 'ere doormat. 'Emme jis row it up oll nice-like. 'Ere."

Oh, these fuckers are all Aussies. Shoulda mentioned that earlier. Should just go back now and edit it in somewhere. Fuckit.

Neil Hing, a ranger the Rural Lands Protection Boards – a regional animal health and agricultural protection service – is now due to visit Ms Hayes’s property on Wednesday to take Bruce away.
Wait, so they're just going to leave it there until Wednesday? Like, after it tore the shit out of everything, broke into the house AND neatly rolled up a doormat, the Aussie rangers were just like, "well, we'd sure loik ta help ta-noight, but we-ah dealin' with a li'l infestation of Cheggy Wangabunkas (I'm just going to assume there's an Australian animal with that name...I have about a 80% chance of being correct)and we-ah not goin' ta be able ta swing boi til Wednesday 'round tea toim, innit?"

Mr Hing said Bruce...was most likely to end up as bacon. Or perhaps sausages.

I hope that was an actual quote.

“Most pigs at some point in their life end up getting slaughtered, it’s just a way of life,” said Mr Hing, who is a feral pig specialist.

At some point in their life? Um, stop me if I'm wrong here, but isn't it kinda difficult to get slaughtered at any time in your life other than the end? Like are there people out there getting mid-life slaughtered? "Oh I remember when I was a teenager, I got slaughtered once. Times were simpler then."

Oh, and if you're wondering what "feral" pigs are, they're like bad guy pigs. Criminal pigs. Basically...Australian pigs.

Quick comparison: Not feral pig:

Awwwww, cuuuuuute!!!

Feral Pig:


NOT feral pig:


Feral Pig:


Although it is pretty bad that they're just going to kill him without a fair trial. I mean, is he really that dangerous?

“He’s a small male who is not de-sexed so he potentially could get more aggressive, and the risk of disease is high,” he said.
So they left some high-strung, horny feral pig with swine herpes at this little old lady's house?!? Oh yea, Blog-o-verse, she's 63 years old! That's fucked up, nation of Austalia. Fuuucked up.

Ms Hayes said she “hasn’t stopped crying” at the thought of Bruce being put down. “He’s a nuisance but he’s just a cute little Aussie fella.”

Ok, nation of Australia, you're off the hook. Bitch is craaaaaaa-zaaayyy.

And now, for no other reason than the fact that it's Pig Day here at the 'Mauf, a pic of the biggest fucking pig you've ever seen in your life or will ever fucking see in your life orany other combination of the words "big" "see" "life" "fucking" and "pig" you can come up with.
That is all.

Woman Named Bacon Wins 1st Prize in Hog Look-a-Like Competition

Well, maybe not exactly... but COME ON! Look at her!

They say a pet owner often comes to resemble his pet, so it should be no surprise to learn that this is a woman with several pigs.

Jolee Bacon really sizzles when it comes to hog-calling.

GET IT! Sizzles?!?!?! That's even shittier than my play on words would have been: "Jolee Bacon may do hog-calling, but any hog with working eyes aint callin' her back!" or "Angelina Jolee Bacon: Not Wanted", or "Jolee Bacon sure is fucking gross looking!" Whatever. Fuck you.

The northern Idaho woman took first place Saturday in the competition at the Nez Perce County Fair.

She also won the pie-eating contest and took home the prize for "sweatiest", but neither of these accomplishments garnered attention because her name is Bacon.

She has raised several champion pigs for 4-H contests. Bacon says she calls pigs every morning and night with her 9-year-old daughter, Jacey.

She then went on to clarify that despite what we were all thinking, Jacey is not one of those champions. When asked what exactly, she calls these pigs, Jolee said, "Lover, sweet thang, fuck toy, Bobby Dean... I gots all kindsa names for 'em. Mostlys I just tries to waits till theys big enough before I eats 'em. Sometimes I fergets and bites 'em whiles theys still walkin' round the house."

Bacon won the crown over as she started her hog call with a few loud snorts and a long, drawn-out "sooey."

She really won the crowd over, however, when she removed several of her ribs and smoked them low and slow until they were fall off the bone tender and delicious.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Ain't No Stupid Like a Jacksonville Stupid Cuz a Jacksonville Stupid DON'T STOP

Hello boys and girls, I'd like you to say "hi" to our new friend Mary Davis! Can you say "hi" to Mary Davis?


(Kids scream, disperse)

Mary Davis is a wonderous mixture of batshit crazy and dogshit stupid, the type you just don't see combined nearly enough. But don't take my word for it...

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself.

Now, I should make it clear that I am not writing this post to ridicule Ms. Davis. No sir, not in the least. If you manage to somehow manipulate the laws of physics to run your own damn self over with a mini-van, while trying to kill a police officer, at age 63, you're doing something right. Like, really right.

You might be saying, "well that's all well and good Berbalerbs, but what about the stupid? You promised us some good stupid, and so far, all we've got is batshit crazy."

To which I reply, "shut the fuck up and keep reading if you don't want my crotch up in your grill piece."

Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. "It was just a freak accident," Davis said.

That's right ladies and gents, it was just a freak accident! She was just trying to stop the cops from arresting her son...by...using...her...minivan? Or is the "freak accident" she's referring to only the fact that she managed to run herself over? Is she totally fine with the fact that she was trying to kill a police officer?

Oh, and (everyone together)


According to an incident report, Davis ran insider [sic, I hope] her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas.

Doesn't exactly sound like an accident yet...Kinda hard to trip, fall, and wind up with your car keys in hand, trip and stumble again right out of your house and up to your minivan, trip stumble and fall AGAIN into said minivan, and accidentally insert the key into the car, start the car up, put it into reverse, and gun it, all while a police officer is trying to remove you from the minivan you've accidentally found yourself in. Although I did trip and stumble over some Legos once and stubbed my toe. So, I guess anything's possible...

The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by [sic]van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower. The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.

Just think...if it wasn't for that lawnmower, none of this would've happened. All we'd be left with is a boring story about a 63 year old cop killer who kinda looks like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. live action movie...

And where's the whimsy in that?

Who Are You To Tell Me How I Get Paid?

If I run a business, and I want to accept payment in the form of punches to the face, who the fuck are you to tell me I can't? Ethics are for suckers, man. Laissez-faire capitalism bro! Leave me be! Or let's say I'm a lawyer, and I want to accept payment in the form of like, I don't know, nude dances. Who are you to tell me I can't? Oh, the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission? Hmmm... seems like that's a group I maybe should have hypothetically been aware of... before all this hypothetical nude-dance-as-payment unpleasantness...

An attorney has been suspended for more than a year for accepting nude dances from a stripper as partial payment for the legal fees she owed him.

[Scott] Erwin, who practices in the northern Illinois city of DeKalb, and his client mutually agreed that she'd perform nude dances for him in his office as a way to reduce her legal fees, the commission's report said. He credited her for $534 toward his bill for services of various legal matters, the report said.

It's not like he was waiving her fees or anything. Partial payment! I wonder if it had been phrased differently, if then it would have alright. Like, "You know what Candi? I like you. I like you so much I'm going to give you a little discount. Here, I'm knocking five hundred bucks off my fees. Just because I'm such a nice guy." "Oh wow thank you! You are such a sweety. Here, you just sit back because I am going to grind my scantily clad hepa-gina all over your slacks."
See? It's not payment, it's more like a thank you card in the form of a lap dance! Hey, maybe I should be the lawyer. Also, "various legal matters" ? You can't have all this stripper talk and not mention what he was representing her for in the first place! Cocktease-y fucks.

The Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission on Thursday said Scott Robert Erwin will begin serving a 15-month suspension for misconduct next month.

Come on, you know the dude's rollin' in cash money! All you're doing is forcing him to take a little vacation! Big whoop! Also when reached for comment about the IAR&DC had ruled, Erwin replied, "The what? Oh fuck, that's what IAR&DC stands for?"

While she agreed to the performances, the client contended he touched her inappropriately during those dances, and she went to police in 2002 with sexual assault allegations.

Bitch is getting half a grand knocked off her legal fess and she's going to complain about the guy who's also representing her? Talk about biting the hand that stuffs singles in your G-string. So what if he cops a feel, he's all that's standing between you and... like, whatever the fuck your problem was in the first place. Also, I have no experience on this matter, but how weird would it be to hear a sexual assault case for something like this? You're the judge, and there's a girl trying to prosecute a guy for sexual assault:

"He grabbed my breasts your honor!"

"Didn't you say you were nude, gyrating your genitals on his groin and rubbing his face between your breasts?"

"Yes, but then he touched them...with his hands!!!"


Erwin denied any inappropriate touching happened, and he was never charged criminally, the report said. He declined to comment on the panel's decision Thursday. The woman no longer works as a stripper, the report said.

Except for that earlier comment I totally didn't just make up. Also, good for her! A nice little happy ending to that story. Because it's important to remember that even if you're a stupid obnoxious whore, you can go on to do anything!

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Legend of Ghost Cat

Pop quiz, hot shot. You're a resident of Blackstone, Virginia. You're constantly seeing cougars that may or may not exist. What do you do? What do you do?

some cougars even dance with the stars

Shoot the hostage! I mean, take of your pants and let the fun begin! I mean... report it to the federal wildlife officials?

Federal wildlife officials are reviewing the matter, but some residents of Blackstone, Virginia, are convinced they've got cougars running around their town.

I like where this story is headed... goodbye, pants!

The large cats are also called mountain lions, pumas, panthers and “ghost cats.” Wildlife officials say except for a population of 100 in Florida, they were wiped out in the eastern U.S. by 1900.

Ah damnit. Cougars. I get it now. But wait, while I'm putting my pants back on, let's think about this. Because there's only a hundred left in an area like super-close to your town... any time anyone sees one it's probably a ghost?

The local newspaper has run at least 15 stories in the last five years about sightings in Blackstone and a neighboring Army National Guard training base. The paper's editor says he gets a sense that game commission people are laughing.

The paper's editor went on to explain that he has no sense in what the difference is when someone is laughing at you, rather than with you. And besides, aren't there like waaaaay more panthers in that area than they're letting on?


Yes, yes I am that stupid.

While hundreds of sightings are reported each year from Maine to the Carolinas, only 64 have been confirmed in more than 100 years. Experts say most are likely cases of mistaken identity perhaps a bobcat, deer or even a Labrador retriever.

"Holy shit is that a cougar?! A Panther? Oh. A Lab... phew. Great actually. I've got all this peanut butter."

Besides. I'm not sure I would give Florida or Virginia the benefit of the doubt on this one. Because I've been there before, and I'm not sure these would qualify as cougars...

...Or would they?


Jail Rule Number 1: Watch Your Ass

In an attempt to make a late bid for "stupidest country of 2008," Egypt decided to jail a donkey for 24 hours for stealing corn. For fucking serious realzies.

An Egyptian donkey has been jailed for stealing corn on the cob from a field belonging to an agricultural research institute in the Nile Delta, local media reported on Thursday.
Let this one marinade with you for a minute.

Now, one assumes that jail time is reserved for individuals who commit crimes, yes? To teach them a lesson, yes? Rehabilitate them, even. So we must assume that the judge decided (after a cross-examination?) that the donkey knowingly "stole" corn from a private field and did so with malicious intent. Therefore, to teach the donkey that one cannot steal and be considered a valued, productive member of society the judge decided...to...jail the donkey...for 24 hours...so that...um...it wouldn't steal any more corn?

Pardon me.

(Shoots self in face)

That's better. Ahem, where were we?
The ass and its owner were apprehended at a police checkpoint that had been set up after the institute's director complained that someone was stealing his crops, the state-owned Al-Ahram daily said.

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Need to see some ID.

Donkey: Uh, sure officer...let me just grab that for you...
(searches nervously through man purse) So, uh, heh, hot enough out here for you? Heh, hehe--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Just show me some ID, sir.

Donkey: Yes sir, officer... (continues to search) It's...heh, it's crazy I don't know where I put my...heh, got so much stuff in here, y'know?

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir, let me see that bag.

Donkey: I'm sorry, why do you need to--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir what I do NOT need is trouble from you. What I DO need is to take a look at that bag, so (reaches for bag)

Donkey: NO!

(bag falls to the ground, stolen corn spills out)

Donkey: (sighs, assumes the position)

The unnamed ungulate was found in possession of the institute's corn and a local judge sentenced him to 24 hours in prison. The man who had his ass thrown in jail got off with a fine of 50 Egyptian pounds (nine dollars, six euros).
First, I'd just like to "big up" whoever wrote this article. It takes an individual of a certain stature to commit fully to ass puns throughout a report for a reputable National News Thingy. Second, I just can't fucking get over the fact that a judge sentenced a pack animal to jailtime. And it's owner got a lesser sentence!!! So not only did this judge find a pea-brained animal guilty for intentionally unlawful behavior, he also decided that the human that owned the animal was less guilty than the fucking oblivious animal. I hope the judge reprimanded the donkey.

"Sir, I have a donkey, myself. A good, law-abiding donkey that loves his family and his country and wants to make them proud. You are an INSULT to him, sir. An INSULT!!! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

"Um, hee-haw?"

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. Although it was only one night, the donkey didn't escape without a taste of the harsh realities of life in an Egyptian prison...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Alright Everyone, Just Stay Calm, This is a Robbe--AWWWWWW GOD STOP HITTING ME!!!

Every once in a while, we here at the 'Mauf like to sprinkle in a little education along with our endless entertainment.

Today's lesson: How not to get your dumb ass beat whilst robbin' up a joint.

Simply put: Avoid Forest Park, Georgia.

A group of robbery victims fought back against an armed man Tuesday, sending him first to the hospital and then to jail.

This is Shawn Henderson, the robber-turned-ass-whoopin-recipient in question. His hair is very pretty. You know who else had pretty hair like that?

BERBALERBS ASPIRING CRIMINAL HOT TIP #1: If you resemble members of an androgynous Pop Music act from the 90's, you should consider not robbing a ghetto ass rental store.

Police said Shawn Henderson, 21, pulled a gun on employees at the Aaron's Rent to Own at 4634 Jonesboro Rd. as the store was getting ready to open.
For the purpose of me having something to write about today, we're going to assume Aaron's Rent to Own is a ghetto-ass establishment.

Last Year's Company Picnic Photo

So he walks up in there like,

Shawn: Aight everyone, listen up! This here's a stickup! Everybody get your hands up!

DeSheenia: Oh no the hell he di'n't. It is 8:30 in the muh'fuckin' mornin' and I am NOT dealin' wif some broke n***a tryin' cause some shit dis early!


Ray-Ray: I heard you the first time, n***a, chill! Hey Tremaine, he ain't got back up, do he?

Tremaine: (checks out window) Nah. N***a a regular one man army up in here.

(Shawn removes mask)

Shawn: Guys, what the HELL? Don't you see I have a gun here? Now, everybody--

Ray Ray: PFFFFFFFFFTAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! N***a look like Milli Vanilli!

Shawn: What? No I don't!

Tremaine: OH SHIT he DO kinda look like Milli Vanilli!

Shawn: Guys--

Ray Ray: Ayo, do the dance, n***a, come on lemme see dat shit

Shawn: Guys, I'm not dancing--

Tremaine: (singing) "Girl you know it's TRUE! Ooo Ooo Ooo" Hahaha c'mon n***a do the dance!

Ray Ray: Yeah man, he's singin' for you an' errythang!

Shawn: I'm NOT dancing, now--

DeSheenia: (returning from smoking cigarette outside) Dis n***a still up in here? OH SNAP! You know who he look like?

Shawn: I do NOT look like Milli Vanilli!!!

DeSheenia: I was gon' say Shanaynay from "Martin," but YEAH, n***a do got dat Milli Vanilli vibe goin' on...

Shawn: Listen bitch, you better--

(DeSheenia tackles Shawn to the ground, begins to yell at him, accentuating each word with a punch to the face)

DeSheenia: (punching while talking) DON'T










Shawn: Why is this happening to me??? (coughs up blood)

Tremaine: Blame it on the rain, n***a.

After his release from the hospital police charged him with armed robbery, false imprisonment, kidnapping, possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony, aggravated assault, carrying a pistol without a license, battery, and unlawfully wearing a mask or hood in public.

Ain't that a bitch.

Oh and hoods are illegal to wear in Georgia? Somebody tell these fuckos.