Monday, August 23, 2010

King Hippo to Abdicate Throne.

Speaking of headlines that are more than a shade fucked up, check out this one, followed by the first sentence of the article...

Doctors to operate on 'Hippo Man'

Surgeons have agreed to operate on a man - cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man - to remove a giant tumour from his nose.

Ok, so this poor bastard is cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man. But this does not stop them from calling him Hippo Man in the fucking title of the article. So let's press on, shall we?

Fei Jianjun, 41, spends most of his time inside his home in Maxiang village, Jilin province, China, as his appearance frightens his neighbours.

Superstitious villagers believe they will fall ill if they look at him, reports the City Evening Post newspaper.

While parents discipline their children by threatening to take them to meet him if they misbehave.

"I try my best not to go out, as my family is too poor to compensate others if I scare them and make them sick," said Fei.

Holy. Shit. Where is Maxiang and how soon can we blow it up? His family is too poor to compensate others if he scares them and makes them sick. What is the proper compensation in this situation. "Fei, my poor mother saw you at the grocery store and immediately vomited and wanted to stab her eyes out, so you owe me 50$." Is that enough? I have no clue.

Also, that the guy is aware that his existence is used by parents to frighten their children. How has he not killed himself?

His condition began as a small bump on the end of his nose nearly a year ago - but it now covers so much of his face that his eyes have been pushed onto the side of his head.

His father took him to a hospital in Jilin city where doctors diagnosed him as suffering from a cancerous tumour.

Surgeons have now agreed to operate for nothing as the family are so poor they have had to take on odd jobs to buy painkillers for Fei.

Jesus. I feel awful for this guy. Is there a place to donate money for him? I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, but I'd link to it so you could.

Alright, it's picture time. Are you ready?

you sure?

last chance


Moral of this story is if you have a tiny bump at the end of your nose, or anywhere else for that matter, go to a doctor.

But seriously, then what? He's Hippo Man, and shunned in his village. What happens after he's fine? Does he get the money back he had to pay families that he scared and sickened? And now who are they going to scare the children into fearing to get them to behave if there's no more Hippo Man? Man Man?

If I Seem to Have Died, Please Don't Take Me to A Mexican Coroner

It's been a while, I sort of forget how to to do this. Anyway,

Holy farts.

Mexico Baby declared dead revives inside coffin

Off to a great start for a number of reasons. "Mexico Baby"? I'm no word-make-y type guy, but shouldn't that say "Mexican Baby"? Secondly, why am I focused on that when the rest of the headline is about Mexico Baby going zombie at its own wake?

So instead of one less movie-ruining Mexican baby,
Brian Posehn - Mexican Babies
Big LakeA New Comedy from Will Ferrell and Adam McKayIt's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

you've now got one of these:

Hidalgo state Attorney General Jose Rodriguez says the parents heard a strange noise coming from the tiny casket. Opening it up, they found her crying and very much alive.

Rodriguez told state public radio Thursday that the doctor who pronounced the girl dead at a hospital in the town of Tulancingo is being investigated for possible negligence.

The baby, who was born prematurely Monday, is in stable condition at a different hospital.

What do you suppose is the first thought running through one's mind, while at your own newborn's wake, when you hear "strange noises" coming from the coffin? Horror? Christ, thinking about that is terrifying.

Also, would any jury in the world convict the guy if immediately upon seeing the kid was alive, he went and found the doctor who pronounced the kid dead and strangled him to death?