Friday, June 5, 2009

Hah! I guess I showed you guy--AHHHHHOMYGODMYPENIS

Surely you've heard the phrase "cut off the nose to spite the face." I've got a new one for you:

Cut off the penis to spite the family.

(Oh by the way, if you happen to have a penis, prepare to shudder for the next hour. Or don't read this post.)
A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.
WOW. Kinda makes piercing your ear in defiance look kinda tame...

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.

So...this guy is rebellious enough to CUT...OFF...HIS...FUCKING...PENIS...but not rebellious enough to...oh, I don't know, FUCKING RUN OFF AND ELOPE?

And other than the whole "discontinuing the bloodline" which I understand is really important in almost every culture, and it seems a lot of Middle Eastern cultures REALLY value its importance, um...WHO ELSE DOES THIS HURT BESIDES NOW-DICKLESS DUDE?

I mean, could you imagine what this scene would look like? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO, FARTKNOCKER because I'm about to dramatize the hell out of it, with the help of two out-of-work former movie monster stars*:DudeWheresMyPenis:Dad? We need to talk.NotMyDongNotMyProblem:For the last time, you are NOT marrying that STREET RAT!!! Hehe, get it? Like, from Aladdin?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah dad, a little racist there, don't you think?

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Huh? Nah, I can do that 'cuz I'm Arabian. It's like how black people can use the n-word?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah, dad!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Ok, ok. Too far. But I have told you my decision! You are a MILLIONAIRE, son! You cannot soil our family's good standing by marrying a SLUMDOG! Huh? You see what I did there?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Dude, that was about Indian people.

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: So?

DudeWheresMyPenis: So Indian people aren't Arab. Seriously, it sounds like an ill-informed white kid is telling you what to say. Anyway--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Oh, hey, what happened to your penis?


DudeWheresMyPenis: Well now you'll HAVE to take me seriously!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Um...why's that?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Bec-- what do you mean? I...I cut off my--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Yea I noticed. And?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Well, I-- um. I really hadn't thought much past cutting myOHHHHMYGODICUTOFFMYPENIS!!!!!!!!!! how I imagine it went.

*Gabara and Anguiris appear courtesy of the Paul DeSnizarello B-List Kaiju Agency. No penises were harmed in the recreation of this scene.