Wednesday, March 25, 2009

My Soapbox Was Being Repainted, You See...

I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.

It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.

...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?

For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.

Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!

...and don't even THINK about little pussy.

Cue the Courtney Hazlett Theme Song!!!

Let's Scoop this bitch.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are taking a break

Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...


It has really, really surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.


Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.

But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He punched her. Repeatedly. BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT. So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.

Aaaand yea. I think I'm done here.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I Guess You Could Say it Was a Hairy Situation

I thought my headline was stupid, until I saw that news item's "unbeweaveable". I feel much better about myself. Anyway. I'd like to point out that the newsie-guy says that she thanks God a lot. I am still trying to figure out what for. I also enjoy that mister Pepitone says that it went down thusly: "He still loves you!" "Well I'm sorry, but I do not love him anymore". BANG BANG BANG SUPERWEAVE!

On a random note, for the next few hours, I imagine that 'unbeweavable' may take over 'Crumbelievable' as dumbest thing to replace 'unbelievable' in that EMF song to be stuck in my head.

I don't have too much else to add to this, because... well, what do you say? Good luck telling this broad her weave looks stupid now, though.

Actually. She mentions she's 'invested' a lot of money in this weave of hers. How much does a weave cost? A google search of 'weaves' - first page that showed up was ''. Does that make google racist? Alright. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out how much a weave costs (roughly 3 minutes), and I've gotten no answer, and don't particularly care.

Back From The Dead?

No. Not really. My work of late has had me traveling quite a bit and unable to post. That is to say, I'm very lazy. Anyway, I've also been doing a good bit of reading. Here are some of the choice books I've read of late:

Einstein's Dreams, by Alan Lightman.

Explorer's of the New Century
, by Magnus Mills.

Carry On, Jeeves, by P.G. Wodehouse

The Master and Margarita, by Mikhail Bulgakov

and for any other baseball nerds out there, Whatever Happened to The Hall of Fame, by Bill James.

I'd also like to point out that the Mets play the Cardinals today at 1pm on SNY. Yes it is spring training, and yes I will be watching it. You go to hell. Don't you judge me. Unless it's a beauty contest and you're considering giving me the blue ribbon. If that's the case, judge away.