tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61611929621024450642024-03-13T08:16:35.161-04:00The GallimaufryIn Spain, no one can hear you scream...Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.comBlogger403125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-22250418543176288362011-08-03T23:21:00.002-04:002011-08-03T23:40:00.980-04:00Doctor GeniusFace Has a Whoopsie<span style="font-family: arial;">I deal with pain fairly regularly. I've had four operations on my wrist. It's been, at times, frustrating. And in certain moments, I've had thoughts like, "I wish I had an axe, I'd hack this fucking hand off right now." Of course, these moments are fleeting, and as reluctant as I am to ever go to the Doctor, I would never ACTUALLY act on any of those thoughts. This guy however? <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/07/26/us-butter-knife-idUSTRE76P7JA20110726">Notsomuch.</a></span><br /><span id="articleText"><span class="focusParagraph"><p> <span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.</span></span></p> </span><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" id="midArticle_0"></span></span><p><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said</span></span>.</p><span style="font-family: arial;">Couple things here.</span></span> <span style="font-family: arial;">Why was he naked? And... a BUTTER knife?! Also... Where was his wife when he was going through with this? To insert a butter knife into one's hernia region would require effort and pain that Would not go unnoticed even if Mrs. Dr. GeniusFace was rocking out her iPod and crocheting or whatever people do.<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" id="articleText">"He actually impaled himself with the butter knife," Lorenz said. "He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn't want to wait any longer for the medical procedure."</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Ok, so you're somehow so fed up that you've decided to perform surgery on yourself, you ambitious soul you, and so you're now trying to determine the best way to cut open your stomach to... fix... your... hernia? Do you even know what a hernia actually is? Even if you do, would you know what it looked like after you somehow cut your own stomach open to see it? And why the fuck would you jab at it with a cigarette? It's going to get all bloody and then you can't smoke it and those things are like a million bucks these days bro!</span><br /><span id="midArticle_2"></span><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. "I don't know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything," he said.</span></p><span style="font-family: arial;">Further proof we need to work on making lightsabers a reality. </span><span id="articleText"></span><span style="font-family: arial;">They Cauterize as they cut!</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></span><span id="articleText"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.<br /><br /></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: arial;">No, no.... Bro. Trust me, even if you weren't? Lie.</span> <span style="font-family: arial;">"Yea, I was WAY hammered. I would never jab a butter knife into my gut and then a lit cigarette! I don't even remember that shit!"</span>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-64151311550283518352011-07-31T21:36:00.001-04:002011-07-31T21:53:36.000-04:00And the whole "Jesus's Image" thing comes full circle<span style="font-family: arial;">Let's say for a second you are God. Not only that, you are also the son of God, and died for the sins of every human (fuck you, other things living on Earth!). Anyway, instead of showing yourself to the world and being like "hey sorry for the AIDs and the Hurricanes and shit. I'm testing you! So far I'd give y'all like a C -. But seriously, it's all good there's heaven with cake and boners" or whatever. You think to yourself "Hey, not only am I the son of God, but I'm also God, and rather than talk to these people, I'll show up in their toast! or on a rag! OOOOOOoooh BEST idea ever, I'll show my face on a </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/07/19/Jesus-image-seen-on-Walmart-receipt/UPI-78421311062400/">walmart receipt!</a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">It will shock you to learn the folks who saw Mr. J.H. Christ are from South Carolina. Also, this:</span><br /><p style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:85%;">Sutherland said she and Simmons believe the image was a response to a question asked by their preacher in church that week.</span></p> <p style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:85%;">"We had a message on knowing God, abiding in him," Sutherland said. "(The preacher asked) 'If you know God, would you recognize him if you saw him?'"</span></p> <p style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:85%;">"We just feel like it's a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else," Sutherland said.</span></p><div style="overflow: hidden; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; border: medium none; font-family: arial;">Ok so you'd be so jazzed that you recognize God (from a walmart receipt, obviously), that you wouldn't be like "Oh hey, remember Katrina? You're kind of a dick." Or like, "Hey my wife got hit by a drunk driver, what kind of prick gives a "test" like that? No, just oh hey! I know that face, you were on my receipt for Marlboro reds and easymac! It's a sign! <span style="font-size:85%;"> <br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Simmons said Walmart workers told him the receipt would only change colors if heat was applied, but he does not know how it would have been heated enough to cause the mark.</span></span><div style="overflow: hidden; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; border: medium none;"><br />Can't wait for the follow up when they get the receipt back from the lab to find out if it had indeed been heated! See you at the rapture y'all!!!!!<br /></div><br /></div><div style="overflow: hidden; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; border: medium none; font-family: arial;"><br /></div>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-1898540059748907062010-10-05T10:56:00.002-04:002010-10-05T11:07:03.882-04:00Berbalerbs: Just the Tip<span style="font-size:85%;"><i>This is a new feature in which 'Mauf writer Berbalerbs shares a brief observation or comment, a literary <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amuse-bouche">amuse-bouche</a>, if you will. Why? Because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) fuck-off.</i><br /></span><br /><object width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KGCg6EO-sr4&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KGCg6EO-sr4&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed></object><br /><br />I just realized that Andy Rooney's little "editorial" spot on 60 Minutes consists of him re-discovering that he's 174 fucking years old, week after week, and that puts him a <i>leeeeeeettle</i> out of touch with those of us whose lives haven't spanned 3 different centuries.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-36683600604306397472010-09-08T13:24:00.008-04:002010-09-08T16:50:44.906-04:00Ooo, look. Berbalerbs is mad at something someone wrote about the Mets. How novel.Someone from a <a href="http://metsmerizedonline.com/" target="_blank">really ignorant Mets blog</a> wrote something <a href="http://metsmerizedonline.com/2010/09/in-defense-of-the-wilpons-are-the-mets-heading-to-the-junkyard.html" target="_blank">really ignorant</a>. Let's make fun, shall we?<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-weight: bold;">In Defense Of The Wilpons: Are The Mets Heading To The Junkyard?</span></span><br /><blockquote>Think back to that first car you owned. Wont [sic] it always have a special place in your heart?</blockquote>Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this lede, mostly because it's wordy and appropos to <span style="font-weight: bold;">NOTHING ELSE IN THE FUCKING BLOG POST</span>. But mostly it's <span style="font-style: italic;">blah blah loved the car but then it started to break down blah blah eventually couldn't just throw money at it, and you had to get rid of it.</span><blockquote>I’m wondering when the Wilpon’s [sic] will reach this point—if they haven’t already.</blockquote>Ok, so at this point, maybe the article's going to talk about how the Wilpons have treated their ownership of the Mets a bit irresponsibly, as a teenager might treat his/her first car. Maybe they valued the shinyness of its hood over the power of the engine? I don't know. I didn't construct this tortured metaphor.<br /><br />But no. That is not the direction this web log poster decided to take. <span style="font-style: italic;">This </span>interweb writer decided to take a sharp left-hand turn to Fuckwit Township.<blockquote>Yes, the Wilpons have been criticized and crucified for not giving us our elusive 3rd Championship...But in their defense, do they deserve all the blame?</blockquote>No. Not all the blame. But a hefty fucking percentage of the blame, yes.<blockquote>True they should have spent money better, wiser. Just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.</blockquote>If you're wondering, those two sentences completely undermine the rest of the post. This is the next sentence. The very. Next. Sentence:<blockquote>However, when all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball.</blockquote>Wouldn't that whole thing look a lot more sensible if you switched those two thoughts around?<blockquote>When all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball. However, just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.</blockquote> See? Doesn't that make your brain hurt a lot less?<blockquote>Tell someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City that our owners don’t want to win.</blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold;">Berbalerbs:</span> Hey, someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SIPOKC:</span> What's up?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Berbalerbs:</span> Our owners don't seem like they want to win.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SIPOKC:</span> Fair assessment. Wanna make a suicide pact?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Berbalerbs:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Boy, do I!!!</span><blockquote>They have opened their wallets time and time again.</blockquote>On players like Oliver Perez. And Luis Castillo. And Alex Cora. And Gary Fucking Matthews Fucking Jr. (fucking.)<blockquote>They have put the best product on the field and given us the tools needed to build a championship.</blockquote>Our "best product, championship-building toolshed" included Mike Jacobs hitting cleanup on Opening Day this year. And before you say "he was there due to another player being injured," that other player was Daniel Murphy. No disrespect to Murph, but come. The fuck. On.<blockquote>Take a step back.</blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Cuz you standin' on mah dick!!! </span>Tee hee. Ahem, sorry.<blockquote>Don’t look at who we haven’t gotten but who we HAVE.</blockquote>Get ready for this folks. This is an INVALUABLE lesson for us all to learn, ESPECIALLY anyone planning on a career in politics: If you ignore <span style="font-style: italic;">any and all</span> context to a situation, you can argue anything!!! Let's begin:<blockquote>We signed future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez. </blockquote>After his prime. For too many years and too much money. Look, I'll be the first to say it was a good signing, but mostly because it restored some credibility to a team that had been UTTER SHIT for like 4 years. It likely helped them land Beltran, and indeed, in 2006 we almost made the World Series with Pedro on the team. But by the end of that season, the cracks began to show as we were counting on a LOT of people past their prime (Pedro, El Duque, Glavine) to lead us to glory. But I digress.<blockquote>Then signed another future Hall of Famer in Tom Glavine, both who definitely know a thing or two about winning pressure games.</blockquote>Glavine we covered above, but I just wanted to add in that line about "knowing a thing or two about winning pressure games," like that's...a thing.<blockquote>We locked up 5 tool superstar Carlos Beltran for 7 years in the prime of his career. </blockquote>Yup. Score one for the front office!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">CURRENT FRONT OFFICE SCORE</span>: 1.<br /><br />Oh, and while I'm being bitchy, the blog this was posted on (which refers to itself as "The Ultimate Baseball Site for Die-Hard Mets fans derp derp derp") consistently brings up the fact that the 2010 Mets "started losing as soon as Beltran came back," because if you were paying attention in Science class, correlation ALWAYS equals causation. But yea, Mr. Clubhouse Cancer is all of a sudden a championship tool when it's convenient.<blockquote>We acquired slugger Carlos Delgado who, as his career was winding down, had a deep seeded desire to play in a World Series.</blockquote>First part: granted, especially the "career winding down" part. Second part: objection, your honor. Relevance?<blockquote>We signed the best LHP in the game in Johan Santana</blockquote>Woah woah woah woah woah. Anything about that seem weird to you? Like, maybe that he wasn't on the team when Pedro and Glavine were here? And when he arrived here, John Maine and Oliver Perez were considered our #2 and #3 guys?<blockquote>When our bullpen crumbled we obtained Francisco Rodriguez fresh off his record 62 saves.</blockquote>Which was the opposite of a productive way to fix the problem. Our ENTIRE bullpen crumbled, not just our closer. So you give a RIDICULOUSLY HIGH contract (and I'm not saying this just because of Baby-Mama's-Daddy-PunchGate, $15 mill+ a year for a relief pitcher not named Mariano Rivera is silly) based on one of the worst stats in baseball, the save? And yea I get that they signed Putz that same year, but making a recognizable, past-his-prime closer your eighth inning guy and having NOTHING behind that isn't a strategy. Putz predictably wanted to be a closer again (whether or not his performance warrants it), so you knew he wasn't sticking around. And K-Rod hits old people, so...y'know.<blockquote>We brought in Gary Sheffield for his veteran presence and post-season experience.</blockquote><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/TIffRcmSCkI/AAAAAAAAAwk/JSGw2lpPJ7c/s1600/facepalm_statue.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 311px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/TIffRcmSCkI/AAAAAAAAAwk/JSGw2lpPJ7c/s400/facepalm_statue.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514621759565990466" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME HERE!?!?!?!?!?</span><br /><br />I'm <span style="font-style: italic;">verklempt</span>. I need a minute.<br />Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:<br /><br />Gary Sheffield is neither an example of a good move by ownership NOR an example of ownership spending a lot of money (being that Detroit was paying almost all of his bloated contract after RELEASING HIM FROM THEIR TEAM DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PLAY BASEBALL WELL ANY LONGER). Discuss.<br /><blockquote>In a free agent market with limited hitting, we signed Jason Bay after he hit 36 HR’s and 119 RBI’s.</blockquote>In an offseason where the Mets had dozens upon dozens of personnel matters to discuss, they signed this one guy because, HEY! You've heard of him right??? Great! He used to play for the Red Sox!!! You've heard of them, right??? GREAT! Well come on down, buy a ticket and see THAT GUY YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT USED TO PLAY FOR THAT WELL KNOWN TEAM!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Collective Mets fans with brains:</span> Um...sirs? What about the rotation going into--<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wilpons:</span> SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR SHAKE SHACK!<blockquote>The Wilpon’s [sic] also hired Willie Randolph as skipper. Randolph, who by himself, has more championship rings then the entire Mets roster.</blockquote>Yea, how'd that work out for them? And I'll be brief about it but PLEASE shut the FUCK up with this rings bullshit. He won them as a player, not a manager so putting that in there means NOTHING. Also, this writer presumably thinks that David Eckstein was a superior player (is? Does he still play? idunno) to Alex Rodriguez, because Ecky's got more rings. KISS THE RINGS, BITCH!<blockquote>And lets not forget the fact that they gave us fans a brand new stadium to call home.</blockquote>Which taxpayers chipped in around $175 million to build. But hey, it sure is nice that the tickets and food are so reasonably priced!!! Oh hey wait...<blockquote>Despite all of these moves, acquisitions, free agent signings, despite the fact our payroll has increased close to 50% in 5 years, what has it gotten us? One–ONE–division title!!!</blockquote>Hmmmmm now why, <i>oh, why</i> could that be? Was it perhaps that the moves, acquisitions and blah blah blah were more to project an image of "wanting to win" and having a "quality product" than to <i>actually have</i> a fucking winning product? I wonder whose fault that might be...<br />Oh I know! Jerry Manuel!<br /><br />Hmmmm....who hired Jerry again? Oh I know, Omar Minaya!!!!<br /><br /><br />Hmmm...who hired Omar again?<br /><br />Oh.<br /><br />I know.<br /><br />THE FUCKING OWNERS.<blockquote>Like our first car, I wonder if and when the Wilpon’s may decide to stop throwing good money after bad and try something new, something different. </blockquote>Like <i>my</i> first car, your post was busted and shitty.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-13022239517687001912010-08-23T13:51:00.003-04:002010-08-23T14:13:17.106-04:00King Hippo to Abdicate Throne.<span style="font-family:arial;">Speaking of headlines that are more than a shade fucked up, check out this one, followed by the first sentence of the article...<br /><br /></span><h1 class="articleHeading"><a href="http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/Doctors_to_operate_on_Hippo_Man">Doctors to operate on 'Hippo Man'</a></h1><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" class="first"> Surgeons have agreed to operate on a man - cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man - to remove a giant tumour from his nose.</p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" class="first"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ok, so this poor bastard is <span style="font-style: italic;">cruelly </span>nicknamed Hippo Man. But this does not stop them from calling him Hippo Man in the fucking title of the article. So let's press on, shall we?</span></span></p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Fei Jianjun, 41, spends most of his time inside his home in Maxiang village, Jilin province, China, as his appearance frightens his neighbours.</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Superstitious villagers believe they will fall ill if they look at him, reports the City Evening Post newspaper.</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> While parents discipline their children by threatening to take them to meet him if they misbehave.</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> "I try my best not to go out, as my family is too poor to compensate others if I scare them and make them sick," said Fei.</p><p style="font-family: arial;">Holy. Shit. Where is Maxiang and how soon can we blow it up? His family is too poor to compensate others if he scares them and makes them sick. What is the proper compensation in this situation. "Fei, my poor mother saw you at the grocery store and immediately vomited and wanted to stab her eyes out, so you owe me 50$." Is that enough? I have no clue.</p><p style="font-family: arial;">Also, that the guy is aware that his existence is used by parents to frighten their children. How has he not killed himself?</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> His condition began as a small bump on the end of his nose nearly a year ago - but it now covers so much of his face that his eyes have been pushed onto the side of his head.</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> His father took him to a hospital in Jilin city where doctors diagnosed him as suffering from a cancerous tumour.</p><p style="font-family: times new roman; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Surgeons have now agreed to operate for nothing as the family are so poor they have had to take on odd jobs to buy painkillers for Fei.</p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">Jesus. I feel awful for this guy. Is there a place to donate money for him? I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, but I'd link to it so you could.</span></p><p style="font-family: arial;">Alright, it's picture time. Are you ready?</p><p style="font-family: arial;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: arial;">you sure?</p><p style="font-family: arial;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: arial;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: arial;">last chance</p><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://web.orange.co.uk/images/ice/quirkies/a_doctor_examines_fei_jianjun_quirky_china_news_27045bd644b954aa789df77767784b20.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 225px;" src="http://web.orange.co.uk/images/ice/quirkies/a_doctor_examines_fei_jianjun_quirky_china_news_27045bd644b954aa789df77767784b20.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Boom!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Moral of this story is if you have a tiny bump at the end of your nose, or anywhere else for that matter, go to a doctor.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">But seriously, then what? He's Hippo Man, and shunned in his village. What happens after he's fine? Does he get the money back he had to pay families that he scared and sickened? And now who are they going to scare the children into fearing to get them to behave if there's no more Hippo Man? Man Man?</span><br /><br /><br /><object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dxv0qhAauAk?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dxv0qhAauAk?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="480"></embed></object>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-72128376702543893932010-08-23T08:48:00.003-04:002010-08-23T09:07:02.732-04:00If I Seem to Have Died, Please Don't Take Me to A Mexican Coroner<span style="font-family:arial;">It's been a while, I sort of forget how to to do this. Anyway,<br /><br />Holy farts.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/mexico-baby-declared-dead-586020.html">http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/mexico-baby-declared-dead-586020.html</a><br /><br /></span><h1 class="articleHeadline">Mexico Baby declared dead revives inside coffin</h1> <span style="font-family:arial;">Off to a great start for a number of reasons. "Mexico Baby"? I'm no word-make-y type guy, but shouldn't that say "Mexican Baby"? Secondly, why am I focused on that when the rest of the headline is about Mexico Baby going zombie at its own wake?<br /><br /><br />So instead of one less movie-ruining Mexican baby,<br /><br /><br /><table style="font: 11px arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: rgb(245, 245, 245);" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" height="353" width="360"><tbody><tr style="background-color: rgb(229, 229, 229);" valign="middle"><td style="padding: 2px 1px 0px 5px;"><a target="_blank" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.jokes.com/">Jokes.com</a></td><td style="padding: 2px 5px 0px; text-align: right; font-weight: bold;"><br /></td></tr><tr style="height: 14px;" valign="middle"><td style="padding: 2px 1px 0px 5px;" colspan="2"><a target="_blank" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold;" href="http://comedians.comedycentral.com/brian-posehn/videos/brian-posehn---mexican-babies">Brian Posehn - Mexican Babies</a></td></tr><tr style="height: 14px; background-color: rgb(53, 53, 53);" valign="middle"><td colspan="2" style="padding: 2px 5px 0px; width: 360px; overflow: hidden; text-align: right;"><a target="_blank" style="color: rgb(150, 222, 255); text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold;" href="http://comedians.comedycentral.com/">comedians.comedycentral.com</a></td></tr><tr valign="middle"><td style="padding: 0px;" colspan="2"><embed style="display: block;" src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:198870" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="window" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="autoPlay=false" allowscriptaccess="always" allownetworking="all" bgcolor="#000000" height="301" width="360"></embed></td></tr><tr style="height: 18px;" valign="middle"><td style="padding: 0px;" colspan="2"><table style="margin: 0px; text-align: center;" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" height="100%" width="100%"><tbody><tr valign="middle"><td style="padding: 3px; width: 33%;"><a target="_blank" style="font: 10px arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/big-lake/index.jhtml">Big Lake</a></td><td style="padding: 3px; width: 33%;"><a target="_blank" style="font: 10px arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/big-lake/about/index.jhtml">A New Comedy from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay</a></td><td style="padding: 3px; width: 33%;"><a target="_blank" style="font: 10px arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/sunny/index.jhtml">It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia</a></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">you've now got one of these:</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://rookery3.viary.com/storagev12/1308500/1308823_f18e_625x625.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 625px; height: 411px;" src="http://rookery3.viary.com/storagev12/1308500/1308823_f18e_625x625.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Hidalgo state Attorney General Jose Rodriguez says the parents heard a strange noise coming from the tiny casket. Opening it up, they found her crying and very much alive.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Rodriguez told state public radio Thursday that the doctor who pronounced the girl dead at a hospital in the town of Tulancingo is being investigated for possible negligence.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The baby, who was born prematurely Monday, is in stable condition at a different hospital.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: arial;">What do you suppose is the first thought running through one's mind, while at your own newborn's wake, when you hear "strange noises" coming from the coffin? Horror? Christ, thinking about that is terrifying.<br /></span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman;"> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Also, would any jury in the world convict the guy if immediately upon seeing the kid was alive, he went and found the doctor who pronounced the kid dead and strangled him to death?</span></span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></span></p>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-27330638799594242002010-03-30T12:49:00.010-04:002010-04-02T14:41:47.493-04:00Did you miss me? You missed me.Let's forgo the niceties. Let's just fucking <a href="http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/mets/mets_must_let_shortstop_play_on_2GFRiACq31ecZbn2zb20vL">dance</a>.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><strong>Mets must let Reyes play on first day</strong></span></div><br /><br />Before we begin, a few yes/no questions for you:<br /><br />1. Are you unaware that a baseball season consists of more than just 1 game? (specifically, 161 games more than just 1 game?)<br /><br />2. Have you (intentionally or otherwise) completely ignored the past three seasons of New York Metropolitans baseball?<br /><br />3. Are you a complete fucking idiot?<br /><br />If you answered "yes" to all three, there's a good chance you're Kevin Kernan, writer for the New York Post, and you happened upon our lovely little blog while Googling yourself. There's an even <em>better</em> chance that I'm about to violate every orifice of your shitty little article.<blockquote>The Mets are trying to find all kinds of reasons to keep Jose Reyes out of the Opening Day lineup</blockquote>What Kay Kay neglects to mention (can I call you Kay Kay? I think I can call you Kay Kay.) is that the Mets haven't really been looking all too hard to find these reasons. Jose Reyes missed almost all of last season with an <strong>injury</strong> to his leg. Then, he had thyroid problems, which meant he had to be completely idle for three weeks. Completely. Idle. Like,<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NVulqT2dI/AAAAAAAAAwM/o4zfet17_Ks/s1600/lazy-cat.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NVulqT2dI/AAAAAAAAAwM/o4zfet17_Ks/s400/lazy-cat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454797832547719634" border="0" /></a>For three weeks. Now, going from<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NVulqT2dI/AAAAAAAAAwM/o4zfet17_Ks/s1600/lazy-cat.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NVulqT2dI/AAAAAAAAAwM/o4zfet17_Ks/s400/lazy-cat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454797832547719634" border="0" /></a>to<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NsnJ4LxsI/AAAAAAAAAwU/ANC4Pg42SIM/s1600/jose-reyes-citi-field-300x279.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 279px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/S7NsnJ4LxsI/AAAAAAAAAwU/ANC4Pg42SIM/s400/jose-reyes-citi-field-300x279.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454822993598072514" border="0" /></a>takes a little warming up. Especially if one is trying not to re-injure one's leg, which, as we've just covered, kept one out of baseball for most of 2009.<blockquote>They say they’re trying to protect the shortstop from hurting himself by keeping him from coming back too quickly.</blockquote>Because he's coming back from injury.<br /><br />And he was just fucking STATIONARY for three weeks.<br /><br />And, while having Jose Reyes around on Opening Day would be <em>nice,</em> having him healthy for the entire season would be <em>considerably fucking nicer.</em><blockquote>And, of course, you know how cold it is in April in New York. There are three night games after Opening Day, and that first road trip takes the Mets to Colorado, which could create problems.</blockquote>Shit, I didn't even consider that. You're right, there are even more reasons to be careful with him than I've considered!<blockquote>Absolutely none of that should matter.</blockquote>You're a Yankees fan, aren't you?<br /><br />Listen: I get it. Reyes makes the Mets a better team and--<blockquote>The bottom line is that Reyes makes the Mets a better team</blockquote>Yea, dickwad I just said that, but we're talking about--<blockquote>and if he continues to impress the way he did yesterday during his first time facing live pitching [Dude, that was batting practice -Ed.], he should get the green light to play on Monday.</blockquote>Read your own fucking sentence again, Kay Kay: during <em>his first [FUCKING -Ed.] time facing live [FUCKING -Ed.] pitching.</em> On the sample size of "1" you're going to declare an oft-injured KEY part of the Mets ready to play?<blockquote>No questions asked.</blockquote> I have roughly 75,000 questions to ask RE: that (although to be fair, the majority of those questions are some variation of <em>what the fuck is wrong with you, Kay Kay?</em>)<blockquote>His spot in the lineup would give the Mets an immediate Opening Day lift against the Marlins and Josh Johnson. And maybe you haven’t heard, but the Mets could use an emotional lift. So could their suffering fans.</blockquote>Maybe <em>you</em> haven't heard, dick-shiner, but in 2009, roughly 160% of the team's Opening Day roster missed significant playing time because of injuries. Like, literally, if you ask the average Mets fan what they hope for this season, you're likely to get a response along the lines of "I just hope they fuckin' stay healthy." It is <em>extremely fucking unlikely</em> you get a response along the lines of "I hope to see Reyes leg out a triple on Opening Day, and after that I couldn't give a fuck."<blockquote>Reyes’ appearance would rev up the home crowd</blockquote>It's Opening Day. Opening Day will rev the crowd up for Opening Day.<blockquote>[Playing on Opening Day] would give Reyes the chance to wipe away the curse of a season that was 2009.</blockquote>It also gives him the chance to re-injure himself ON DAY FUCKING ONE because he rushed himself to get back. And also, "the curse" of 2009 you're talking about was almost completely due to INJURIES. Which the Mets are at least trying to avoid.<br /><br />BY NOT RUSHING THEIR STAR SHORTSTOP SO HE CAN BE IN ONE GAME THAT IS NOT ANY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OTHER (and please listen to me when I say this)<br />ONE.<br />HUNDRED.<br />SIXTY.<br />ONE.<br />OTHER.<br />FUCKING.<br />GAMES.<blockquote>Even if Reyes is overmatched by Johnson, he won’t be alone — but perhaps Reyes will have a good day and so will the Mets.</blockquote>So...if Jose Reyes plays poorly, it's likely that at least one of his teammates will also play poorly...which...um...but on the other hand, he may play well, and his teammates may also play well...as well. So...there's that.<blockquote>The fact Reyes has overcome so much since last May 20 and this spring’s thyroid scare, being in the lineup would give him the kind of lift that could carry him all summer. It would be a triumph for the baseball soul.</blockquote>That's just gay. MOVING ON!<blockquote>Again, this is not about pushing a player who is not healthy.</blockquote>No, it's about pushing a player who we're not sure if they are completely healthy or not, which is a stupid idea.<blockquote>I’ve watched Reyes closely the last three days,</blockquote>I like to imagine Kevin Kernan squatting uncomfortably close to the field and batting cages and staring intently at Jose Reyes for hours on end without blinking.<blockquote>and other than needing to pick up some bat speed</blockquote>How could one quickly do this...OH THAT'S RIGHT by playing a few minor league games where they don't have to bat in order so that <em>Jose can lead off every inning and get twice the amount of at-bats he would in a regular game, all while NOT HURTING THE TEAM as he "picks up his bat speed."</em><br /><br />Now comes the line in the article which made me write this post. It's...I...ok, no preface. Just<blockquote>Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.</blockquote>I...how can you<blockquote><strong>Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.</strong></blockquote>No...just...no.<blockquote><span style="font-size:180%;"><strong><em>Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.</em></strong></span></blockquote><strong><em></em></strong><em></em>Dude.<br><br>Brah.<br><br>Broseph Goebbels.<br><br>If there is one thing, <strong>ONE THING</strong> that playing Opening Day <em>isn't</em> about, it's the big picture. And yes, you fuckheaded fuckhead, playing Opening Day is, objectively, self-fucking-evidently, about <em>one fucking day</em>, specifically: Opening Day.<br><br>Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the Opening Day Roster (4/6/09) for the New York Mets, 2009!<blockquote>1. Jose Reyes, SS<br />2. Daniel Murphy, LF<br />3. David Wright, 3B<br />4. Carlos Delgado, 1B<br />5. Carlos Beltran, CF<br />6. Ryan Church, RF<br />7. Brian Schneider, C<br />8. Luis Castillo, 2B<br />9. Johan Santana, P</blockquote>WOOHOOALRIGHT!!! Now, the roster eight weeks later!!!<blockquote>1. Luis Castillo, 2B <br />2. Emil Brown, RF <br />3. Carlos Beltran, CF <br />4. Garry Sheffield, LF <br />5. David Wright, 3B <br />6. Fernando Tatis, 1B <br />7. Omir Santos, C <br />8. Wilson Valdez, SS <br />9. John Maine, P<br /></blockquote>woo. The roster eight weeks after <em>this?</em><blockquote>1. Luis Castillo, 2B<br />2. Luis Castillo's 13 year old daughter, Helena, RF<br />3. The headless body of David Wright, 3B<br />4. A wax statue of Samuel L. Jackson (<em>on loan from Madame Tussaud's</em>), 1B<br />5. Jerry Manuel's grandpa Jimmy Manuel (1914 - 2007), CF<br />6. Berbalerbs, SS (No, really. I had a .087/.100/.114 clip for the month of August, good enough for Mets Offensive Player of the Month)<br />7. A small mass of David Eckstein's cells that were cloned and cultivated in a lab in East Orange, NJ, RF<br />8. A stepladder, C<br />9. Johan Santana, P</blockquote>Wow, I'm sure glad the tone the team set <em>last year</em> on Opening Day carried them the entire year!!!<br><br> This would usually be the point where I calm down for 5 to 10 seconds and concede that I know the writer didn't <em>literally</em> mean this, he was implying <em>blah blah blah</em>, but FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not sure how someone can be stupid enough to write something like that and yet smart enough to use a computer.<br><br>Alright...let's wrap up the retardation.<blockquote>To expect Reyes to come back with perfect timing is expecting too much. In fact, it might be better to bring him back with that built-in excuse.</blockquote><em>Look guys, he's gonna suck for a while, but we have to focus on the important stuff: he's doing all his little handshakes on Opening Day!</em><blockquote>Just having Jose Reyes in the lineup makes the Mets winners on Opening Day.</blockquote>Drown yourself, Kay Kay.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-6625263265726215552009-11-10T10:19:00.004-05:002009-11-10T10:35:03.677-05:00Marble Hill English Teacher is Confused, Racy<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >Teacher reassigned over racy essay</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out,</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" > I'm</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.</span><br /><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"> By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them. </span></p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"> "He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything." </span></p><span style="font-family:arial;">"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"</span><br /><p style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things. </span></span><br /></p><p style="font-family:arial;">Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:</p><p style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?" </span></span><br /></p><p face="arial">Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?</p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"> But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing. </span></p><p face="arial"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> "If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said. </span></span><br /></p><p style="font-family: arial;">It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:</p><p style="font-family: arial;"><br /></p><br /><object style="font-family: arial;" id="otvPlayer" height="268" width="400"><br /><param name="movie" value="http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/static/flash/embeddedPlayer/swf/otvEmLoader.swf?version=&station=wabc&section=&mediaId=7108615&cdnRoot=http://cdn.abclocal.go.com&webRoot=http://abclocal.go.com&site="><br /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><br /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><br /><embed id="otvPlayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" src="http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/static/flash/embeddedPlayer/swf/otvEmLoader.swf?version=&station=wabc&section=&mediaId=7108615&cdnRoot=http://cdn.abclocal.go.com&webRoot=http://abclocal.go.com&site=" height="268" width="400"></embed><br /><br /></object><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"</span><br /><p style="font-family: arial;"> <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom. </span></span></p><p style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> "I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids." </span></span><br /></p><p style="font-family: arial;">"And the carrots."<br /></p>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-79702991780060294522009-11-09T14:37:00.004-05:002009-11-09T14:41:44.820-05:00Katt Williams Finally Does Something Funny<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/09/katt.williams.arrest/t1larg.katt.williams.mug.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 429px; height: 360px;" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/09/katt.williams.arrest/t1larg.katt.williams.mug.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">via </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/09/katt.williams.arrest/index.html">cnn</a>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-8592538340722766082009-11-09T11:57:00.003-05:002009-11-09T14:36:51.769-05:00Real News Now Getting Ideas from Text from Last Night<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;"><a href="http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2009/11/06/20091106pot-drunk-ON.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Drunk man calls 911 to report pot stolen</span></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:<br /><br /></span></div></div><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.mydrunkpix.com/uploads/pics/thumbs/51-269.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 418px;" src="http://static.mydrunkpix.com/uploads/pics/thumbs/51-269.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.</span><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" ><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" class="org"></span></span> <div id="articlestory"><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;"> <span style="font-size:85%;">He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit. </span></p><p style="font-family: arial;">I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.<br /></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.</span><br /></p></div>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-7456444039102469632009-11-06T13:17:00.002-05:002009-11-06T13:51:27.501-05:00Working At Blockbuster Must Suck<span style="font-family: arial;">If you're a normal human being, you've called in sick to work before. And some bosses are understanding, and some jobs blow. I remember one time in college I called in sick to work when I was supposed to be there at 5:30am and there was no way it was going to happen - my boss demanded a doctor's note to prove that I had actually been sick. Is that even legal? (as an epilogue to that story I had a friend who worked in a Dr.'s office steal a piece of his prescription paper and then forged a note)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Anyway, the point is that no one can force you to go to work, and there's ways to play hooky without getting caught, and ways to do it without causing yourself serious bodily harm. There are certain lengths it is not necessary to go to get out of work - such as </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_13702589">stabbing yourself and saying you were attacked.</a><br /><div style="font-family: arial;" id="articleBody" class="articleBody"><div class="articleViewerGroup" id="articleViewerGroup" style="border: 0px none ;"><script language="JavaScript"> var requestedWidth = 0; </script></div><script language="JavaScript"> if(requestedWidth > 0){ document.getElementById('articleViewerGroup').style.width = requestedWidth + "px"; document.getElementById('articleViewerGroup').style.margin = "0px 0px 10px 10px"; } </script><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:85%;">A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:85%;">The man, Aaron Siebers, walked into his employer, the Blockbuster Video store at 1921 Sheridan about 6:30 p.m. Monday, and reported the attack. He said the trio was dressed in black.</span></p></div><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, it may seem like that's awful elaborate just to get out of work. And that's mainly because it is. And seriously, is working at a blockbuster </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">that</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> bad? What do you do - arrange movies and hang out and watch movies all day. And occasionally deal with a dumb customer - but probably not that often since who goes to movie stores any more. Also - skinheads or Hispanic males?! Because if you're trying to sell a story about a trio and not being sure of their race or ethnicity, be sure to pick 2 that are in no way close to one another. "He was tall... or possibly very short. He had long long hair... but also might have been bald." "He was a very ugly man... but while they attacked me I thought of having sex with him"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Anyway, the article goes on to explain how he said it happened right by this Target, but surveillance videos basically showed no such thing happened. So the guy is arrested and charged with false blah blah whatever. And then he has the stones to say this,</span><br><br /><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><br /></span><span id="redesign_default"><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store," said Davis.</span></span><br><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">THAT'S what you've come away from this having learned? How about like "If you don't want to go to work, don't stab yourself and concoct a story about being stabbed." Or, "If you hate your job, try and determine why and then think of ways to fix them and place those ideas in your work's suggestion box." Just kidding about that last one. That's stupid. I have a bunch of internet nerd friends much like myself (you are shocked, I know) and this one message board had a "suggestions" thread - I assume most message boards do - and the best thing I ever saw was a post entitled "I SUGGEST you stop being such assholes." But so now does this guy still work at Blockbuster? They have to have fired him, no? If the guy hated working there enough to stab himself not to have to go, and now they know this thanks to a huge news item there's no way they could keep him there. And here I always thought working at a video store was nothing but relaxing, Star Wars discussions, and witty banter with ignorant customers. Color me jaded. : (</span><br /></span><br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WR6OjB6OWoI&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WR6OjB6OWoI&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-67083741760626747952009-11-06T12:46:00.003-05:002009-11-06T13:07:59.135-05:00Maybe You Shouldn't Drive?<span style="font-family: arial;">If I took a test, on a daily basis, for about 4 years, and not only didn't have the test completely memorized, but failed EVERY SINGLE TIME, I would probably give up. Or kill myself. Turns out a Miss Cha Sa-soon </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/A/AS_ODD_SKOREA_ASPIRING_DRIVER?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2009-11-06-00-20-18">disagrees.</a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time. </span></span><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: arial;" class="ap-story-p"><span style="font-size:85%;">The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.</span></p> <br /><div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.amctv.com/img/movienights/dvdtv/wall_street/dvdtv_wallstreet_425x245.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 425px; height: 245px;" src="http://static.amctv.com/img/movienights/dvdtv/wall_street/dvdtv_wallstreet_425x245.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Sorry guy - the picture of you next to 'persistent' is being replaced.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></div><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:100%;" >Seriously? How do you not at some point figure out some other option? And if you are not smart enough to pass a test you've taken, like 500 times, shouldn't someone stop her? I would think a reasonable number like, say, failing 10 times in a row would be ok to say "no more tests for you for a while." I guess South Korea is just nicer than I am. Or at least more willing to put their motorists at risk.<br /><br /></span> <p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: arial;" class="ap-story-p"><span style="font-size:85%;">Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.</span></p><p style="font-family: arial;" class="ap-story-p">I wonder if bookies in South Korea are taking money on how many times she needs to take the driving test. What would the line be? in the 500 area? Does the written exam expire after a certain amount of time if she hasn't passed the driving portion? Why do AP articles never answer the questions I have about weird news? And before you think to yourself - Because, Pemulis, those questions are stupid and you are a moron - I'll just cut you off and tell you to pipe down and stop being such a big meanie jerk.</p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: arial;" class="ap-story-p"><span style="font-size:85%;">Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business.</span></p><p style="font-family: arial;" class="ap-story-p">This is a 68 year old woman. Is she just now trying to start up a vegetable selling business? Or, at least, just in April of 2005? And so but how has she been transporting them until now?</p><p class="ap-story-p"><span style="font-family: arial;">I know you're expecting jokes about Asian drivers, or old people drivers. But that's beneath me. Sa-Soon isn't a menace to the road because of age or ethnicity. She shouldn't be allowed to drive because she's a woman. Man they're terrible at driving!</span><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-27588865897281954892009-06-05T11:49:00.008-04:002009-06-05T12:58:50.202-04:00Hah! I guess I showed you guy--AHHHHHOMYGODMYPENISSurely you've heard the phrase "cut off the nose to spite the face." I've got a new one for you:<br /><br /><a href="http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090601/D98HLD580.html">Cut off the penis to spite the family.</a><br /><br />(<em>Oh by the way, if you happen to have a penis, prepare to shudder for the next hour. Or don't read this post.</em>)<br /><blockquote>A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.</blockquote>WOW. Kinda makes piercing your ear in defiance look kinda tame...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilBxBA2lEI/AAAAAAAAAvo/p4uoBbATnYE/s1600-h/piercing.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343874743193211970" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 117px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 160px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilBxBA2lEI/AAAAAAAAAvo/p4uoBbATnYE/s400/piercing.bmp" border="0" /></a> <div align="center"><em>Pfft...Pussy.</em></div><blockquote>After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.</blockquote><p>So...this guy is rebellious enough to <em>CUT...OFF...HIS...FUCKING...PENIS...</em>but not rebellious enough to...oh, I don't know, FUCKING RUN OFF AND ELOPE? <br /><br />And other than the whole "discontinuing the bloodline" which I understand is really important in almost every culture, and it seems a lot of Middle Eastern cultures REALLY value its importance, um...WHO ELSE DOES THIS HURT BESIDES NOW-DICKLESS DUDE?<br /><br />I mean, could you imagine what this scene would look like? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO, FARTKNOCKER because I'm about to dramatize the hell out of it, with the help of two out-of-work former movie monster stars*:<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilIgkuSU1I/AAAAAAAAAvw/ykIqslukcCg/s1600-h/Gabara.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343882157302633298" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 155px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilIgkuSU1I/AAAAAAAAAvw/ykIqslukcCg/s400/Gabara.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong>Dad? We need to talk.<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilI3j6_ZHI/AAAAAAAAAv4/HSnff_R0tQg/s1600-h/anguirus1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343882552224474226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 283px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilI3j6_ZHI/AAAAAAAAAv4/HSnff_R0tQg/s400/anguirus1.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong>For the last time, you are NOT marrying that STREET RAT!!! Hehe, get it? Like, from Aladdin?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Woah dad, a little racist there, don't you think?<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> Huh? Nah, I can do that 'cuz I'm Arabian. It's like how black people can use the n-word?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Woah, dad!<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> Ok, ok. Too far. But I have told you my decision! You are a MILLIONAIRE, son! You cannot soil our family's good standing by marrying a SLUMDOG! Huh? You see what I did there?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Dude, that was about Indian people.<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> So?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> So Indian people <em>aren't</em> Arab. Seriously, it sounds like an ill-informed white kid is telling you what to say. Anyway--<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> Oh, hey, what happened to your penis?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> I CUT IT OFF, DAD! SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM!<br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilLwEHC0DI/AAAAAAAAAwA/GfOkW4aUcUI/s1600-h/anguirus1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343885721960894514" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 283px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SilLwEHC0DI/AAAAAAAAAwA/GfOkW4aUcUI/s400/anguirus1.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM THAT WAS STUPID! </p><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Well now you'll HAVE to take me seriously!<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> Um...why's that?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Bec-- what do you mean? I...I cut off my--<br /><br /><strong>NotMyDongNotMyProblem:</strong> Yea I noticed. And?<br /><br /><strong>DudeWheresMyPenis:</strong> Well, I-- um. I really hadn't thought much past cutting myOHHHHMYGODICUTOFFMYPENIS!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />...is how I imagine it went.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">*Gabara and Anguiris appear courtesy of the </span><a href="http://gallimaufriers.blogspot.com/2009/05/paul-desnizarello-b-list-kaiju-agent.html"><span style="font-size:85%;">Paul DeSnizarello B-List Kaiju Agency</span></a><span style="font-size:85%;">. No penises were harmed in the recreation of this scene.</span></em>BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-31950923751089340642009-05-29T11:57:00.014-04:002009-05-29T13:13:49.739-04:00The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"<em><strong>Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands.<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAIWUmWpuI/AAAAAAAAAug/NTqaeK7Tn8o/s1600-h/daniel_murphy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341278337641129698" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 290px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAIWUmWpuI/AAAAAAAAAug/NTqaeK7Tn8o/s400/daniel_murphy.jpg" border="0" /></a> The initial call on the field is "in play"</strong></em><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAH229HWtI/AAAAAAAAAuY/ve264F_--EI/s1600-h/mlb_g_umpire_400.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341277797107587794" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAH229HWtI/AAAAAAAAAuY/ve264F_--EI/s400/mlb_g_umpire_400.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>U1:</strong> In Plaaaaaaaaaay!<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAKv3RjvWI/AAAAAAAAAuo/QLOpazx8ceU/s1600-h/umpire.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341280975469133154" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 275px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 235px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAKv3RjvWI/AAAAAAAAAuo/QLOpazx8ceU/s400/umpire.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>U2:</strong> Dat's a review.<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiALE7Bk-vI/AAAAAAAAAuw/hvgoTR2hxTw/s1600-h/ump2.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341281337253100274" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 262px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiALE7Bk-vI/AAAAAAAAAuw/hvgoTR2hxTw/s400/ump2.bmp" border="0" /></a><strong>U3:</strong> Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--<br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> HUDDLE UP!<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAN4eX7TPI/AAAAAAAAAu4/aJR-RSEoAns/s1600-h/3umps.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341284421938662642" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 309px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAN4eX7TPI/AAAAAAAAAu4/aJR-RSEoAns/s400/3umps.bmp" border="0" /></a><strong>U1:</strong> Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>U2:</strong> Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Wait what? I don't think I--<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>U2:</strong> SHUT THE FUCK UP.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Oh. I get it now.<br /><br /><strong>U3:</strong> Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAPCUzZSbI/AAAAAAAAAvA/vxNuEE6UVW4/s1600-h/happyjerry.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341285690679839154" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 267px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAPCUzZSbI/AAAAAAAAAvA/vxNuEE6UVW4/s400/happyjerry.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>U1:</strong> Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.<br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> "Da Room"?<br /><br /><strong><em>The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.</strong></em><br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> O...k...<br /><br /><strong><em>Door swings open</strong></em><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAUPhxgKlI/AAAAAAAAAvQ/KRF6YuPRKE4/s1600-h/Peeweesplayhouse.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341291415058000466" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 228px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAUPhxgKlI/AAAAAAAAAvQ/KRF6YuPRKE4/s400/Peeweesplayhouse.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong>U1:</strong> Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?<br /><br /><strong>Pee-Wee:</strong> Sup.<br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Excuse me?<br /><br /><strong>U3:</strong> Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Citi.<br /><br /><strong>U3:</strong> Who?<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Nevermind.<br /><br /><strong>U3:</strong> So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.<br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> Well, <em>I</em> get to do the home run twirly finger thing.<br /><br /><strong>U3:</strong> Right.<br /><br /><strong>U1:</strong> Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--<br /><br /><strong>U2:</strong> Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.<br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAWApicBLI/AAAAAAAAAvY/alZO2E68uRQ/s1600-h/cc.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341293358467515570" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 221px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 235px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAWApicBLI/AAAAAAAAAvY/alZO2E68uRQ/s400/cc.bmp" border="0" /></a><strong>C.C.</strong> God damned right I'll rape ya.<br /><br /><strong><em>Several sandwiches later...</strong></em><a href="http://newyork.mets.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20090527&content_id=4992824&vkey=news_nym&fext=.jsp&c_id=nym"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341293835883215698" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 290px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 363px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SiAWccDNe1I/AAAAAAAAAvg/WzXLgcg8Uyo/s400/sports114a.jpg" border="0" /target="new">HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!</a>BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-37486672193411797552009-05-29T10:57:00.002-04:002009-05-29T11:04:03.460-04:00Ruh-Roh... or, conversely... Awesome?<span style="font-family: arial;">Do with the info I am about to present what you will. </span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2009/05/withdrawal-nearly-as-good-as-condoms.html">Study shows withdrawal almost as good as using a condom</a><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/surprised-face.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 333px;" src="http://fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/surprised-face.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I don't even know what to say about this. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">/exits quietly.</span>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-65901731520315834382009-05-28T11:08:00.009-04:002009-05-29T10:46:46.675-04:00'IDOL' RUNNER-UP WON'T REVEAL SEXUALITY...Y'KNOW, ADAM? THE GAY ONE?So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.<br /><br />I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.<br /><br />Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."<br /><br />Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.<br /><br />It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this <em>other</em> gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#ff0000;">Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality</span></strong></div><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/Sh7BiidqcVI/AAAAAAAAAuI/-EGkakYk49E/s1600-h/adam2.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340919007218921810" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 280px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/Sh7BiidqcVI/AAAAAAAAAuI/-EGkakYk49E/s400/adam2.bmp" border="0" /></a><br />...Gay! No? um...Super Gay! <blockquote>Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.</blockquote>Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina. <blockquote>"It's a really, really cool thing,"</blockquote>It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy <blockquote>"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."</blockquote>"Yeah man, I'm just doing my <em>own</em> thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to <a href="http://n2.nabble.com/file/n2126687/pete_wentz_300x400.jpg" target="new">the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy</a>. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?" <blockquote>So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."</blockquote>Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture<br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/Sh7DaOgi2yI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/w8iPsLZ_3Rc/s1600-h/adam-lambert2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340921063446600482" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/Sh7DaOgi2yI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/w8iPsLZ_3Rc/s400/adam-lambert2.jpg" border="0" /></a>is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_T6ejHk0InOo/SbpL_3t7XlI/AAAAAAAAAjw/Tefni7GDOsM/s320/adam-lambert-making-out.jpg" target="new">pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot</a>. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. <em>Buuuuuuuut</em> because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story <a href="http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/04/paula-abdul-nig.html" target="new">got picked up by everyone</a>. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.<br /><br />I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.<br /><br /><em>All I'm sayin is</em> that straight dudes <em>generally</em> don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they <em>generally</em> don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from <a href="http://girlsinwhitedresses.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/img_1878.jpg" target="new">Jon and Kate Plus 8</a>. And they <em>generally</em> don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.<br /><br />I MEAN, not that I actually <em>imagine</em> it or wonder what it might be like just once to--<br /><br />This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.</span>BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-54316326251984706952009-05-20T12:30:00.010-04:002009-05-20T16:39:26.147-04:00Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent<em>For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.</em><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShQ1kGWLH4I/AAAAAAAAAtg/S7JF92zPfZ8/s1600-h/used-car-salesman-cropped.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 360px; height: 282px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShQ1kGWLH4I/AAAAAAAAAtg/S7JF92zPfZ8/s400/used-car-salesman-cropped.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337950352636059522" border="0" /></a><br /><strong>PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA</strong> - <em>Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography</em><br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...<br /><em><br />whackwhackwhackwhack</em><br /><br />[there is a knock at the door]<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!<br /><br /><strong>Voice:</strong> Mr. Snizarello?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRPV3bxPJI/AAAAAAAAAto/SHOPIfv6Jek/s1600-h/ang+closeup.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 164px; height: 164px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRPV3bxPJI/AAAAAAAAAto/SHOPIfv6Jek/s400/ang+closeup.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337978695417150610" border="0" /></a><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Hi Paulie.<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> It's Ang<em>uir</em>us.<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Are you sure?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> We should talk about changing that name of yours.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong>...<br /><br /><br />Yes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">P DeS:</span> How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> SNIZ!<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Tough market right now, Angie.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> You've been saying that since 1987.<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> 'Strue.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> What the hell are you doing?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> (<em>shrugs</em>) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Well <em>I</em> remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048127/">Godzilla Raids Again</a> story about ten thousand times now...<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> That movie-- nay, <em>film,</em> was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "<em>Godzilla</em>" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRYTxMos0I/AAAAAAAAAtw/YyW5okYNc_A/s1600-h/Anguirus%2520rox.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 212px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRYTxMos0I/AAAAAAAAAtw/YyW5okYNc_A/s400/Anguirus%2520rox.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337988554987975490" border="0" /></a><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your <em>other</em> clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlny/original/0320sarahjessica.jpg">the lead on that HBO series</a>. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NY<em>FUCKING</em>U, did you tell them THAT?<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Well I NEVER IN ALL MY-- <br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Then, of course...there's the video.<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> This one:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRgyxBgApI/AAAAAAAAAt4/3UVoBYIvIiY/s1600-h/godzilla+givin+it+to+ang.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 203px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRgyxBgApI/AAAAAAAAAt4/3UVoBYIvIiY/s400/godzilla+givin+it+to+ang.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337997883610235538" /></a><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRi5hn_BKI/AAAAAAAAAuA/sgnDpaIv-oE/s1600-h/used-car-salesman-cropped.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 360px; height: 282px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ShRi5hn_BKI/AAAAAAAAAuA/sgnDpaIv-oE/s400/used-car-salesman-cropped.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338000198759023778" /></a><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Um...<br /><br />Uh...<br /><br />Research?<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS. <br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Yea...um...about that...<br /><br /><strong>Anguirus:</strong> Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? <em>RIGHT????</em> THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!<br /><br />[Anguirus storms out]<br /><br /><strong>P DeS:</strong> Pfft. Actors.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-134244684604045572009-05-20T10:02:00.004-04:002009-05-20T10:49:01.339-04:00Follow The Leader<span style="font-family: arial;">December 20th, 1982</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">[Int - Maternity Ward - Virginia]</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/getlostpodcast/4x11/pict2008-05-0811-23-3811.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 465px; height: 262px;" src="http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/getlostpodcast/4x11/pict2008-05-0811-23-3811.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Richard Alpert: Hello. I represent a very powerful organization. I'm told there's a boy being born here today. Are you Mr. and Mrs. Wright, and is this your son David?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Mrs. Wright: Yes.. how can we help you?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">[Alpert runs out]</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">...........................................................................................................................................................</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">1988, Virginia</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">[INT - Wright household]</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.lostfan.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost_richard_01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 465px; height: 262px;" src="http://www.lostfan.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost_richard_01.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Richard Alpert: Hello David. My name is Richard. I've been told by someone you may be very special. I've got a test I'd like you to take.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">[Richard lays out 3 objects. One is a baseball bat, one is some candy, one is a picture of a man choking to death on a cool fall day]</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Richard: David, I want you to tell me which one of these has </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">always</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> belonged to you.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">David: Ooooh candy! [grabs and eats candy]</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Richard storms out of the house.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">...........................................................................................................................................................</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">2009, Flushing, New York</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mishkanyc.com/bloglin/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/800px-confrontation.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 465px; height: 262px;" src="http://mishkanyc.com/bloglin/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/800px-confrontation.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;">Ilana: Who plays third base for the Mets?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Frank Lipidus: Uhhh... David Wright?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Bram: Ok, maybe he's a candidate.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Frank: For what?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">Bram knocks Frank unconscious.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Ilana: Richard, who plays third base for the Mets?</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile/pic.php?uid=AAAAAQAQNhohtS6OG9g_dMB0ZQMO8QAAAAqoqInOUgU6ewPcvwr11Cxz"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 282px;" src="http://www.facebook.com/profile/pic.php?uid=AAAAAQAQNhohtS6OG9g_dMB0ZQMO8QAAAAqoqInOUgU6ewPcvwr11Cxz" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;">Richard (in Latin): He who will save us all.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Ilana: We have something to show you.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">Ilana opens crate to reveal....</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tXt3v2ix0Wo/ShQU1RSQPiI/AAAAAAAAANg/CpvF2ttYs0M/s1600-h/steve+phillips.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 156px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tXt3v2ix0Wo/ShQU1RSQPiI/AAAAAAAAANg/CpvF2ttYs0M/s200/steve+phillips.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337914363746467362" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;">Steve Phillips: Hi! You know Richard, I know you've been looking at this David Wright kid for a long time. I'm just not sure he's got the mental toughness to be a leader yet. It seems like maybe he's got some humps to get over and I'm not sure he'll ever get there. He just seems to lack a killer instinct and a locker room presence that a team leader needs to have. He lacks the heart and grit of say a David Eckstein. That's the type of guy who comes to a team and just </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">wins</span><span style="font-family: arial;">. I also think this team should trade Carlos Beltran, and I'm certain that the holocaust never happened. What do </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">you</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> think, Joe?</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blog.ingamenow.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/tx_joemorgan_all.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 156px;" src="http://blog.ingamenow.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/tx_joemorgan_all.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">To be honest with you Steve I haven't seen enough one way or the other to comment on whether or not the holocaust actually happened. I also haven't seen enough of Wright to say one way or the other whether his heart is truly in it and if he can be the leader of this ballclub. That being said I think this year he is the Mets MVP, hands down, without a doubt.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.tvfanatic.com/images/gallery/lost-season-5-cast.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 280px;" src="http://www.tvfanatic.com/images/gallery/lost-season-5-cast.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Entirety of people on the island: JULIET, DO THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!</span><br /><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tXt3v2ix0Wo/ShQXqyas7VI/AAAAAAAAANo/2jgW5hPNh9A/s1600-h/5x16-5x17-38.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tXt3v2ix0Wo/ShQXqyas7VI/AAAAAAAAANo/2jgW5hPNh9A/s200/5x16-5x17-38.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337917482196594002" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">See you all in an alternate future where we don't have to listen to moronic assholes say stupid things about your team!</span><br /><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.jillkgregory.com/images/blank.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 550px; height: 350px;" src="http://www.jillkgregory.com/images/blank.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-9666878589749022962009-05-19T10:20:00.003-04:002009-05-19T10:45:35.458-04:00Sometimes You Have to Think Outside the Bun<span style="font-family:arial;">If I were ever about to taken to jail, or in the middle of a high speed car chase, I don't know where my mind would be. I would imagine though, at no point would I think to myself: I might be going to jail for a while, </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090513/D985HM580.html">better get a fourth meal.</a><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana,Sans-serif;"><span style=";font-size:85%;color:black;" ><span id="article"><span id="intelliTXT"><p style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot.</p><p style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. He did not get the burrito, police said.</p><p><span style="font-size:100%;">So, if you're ever about to be arrested, and leading police on a high speed chase, and you stop, you might not have time to get a burrito while you stop? Well I'll be. At least in my extended absence people haven't gotten any smarter, that's really reassuring. So what was the rumpus to being with?</span></p><p style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span id="article"><span style="font-family:Verdana,Sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span id="article"><span id="intelliTXT">Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:100%;"><span id="article"><span style="font-family:Verdana,Sans-serif;"><span style="color:black;"><span id="article"><span id="intelliTXT">Ah. Fair enough. So the coke explains the high speed chase and the logic FAIL, but if he was all coked up you'd think food was the last thing on his mind. You couldn't get me to eat taco bell even if you put some borderline midget washed up old playmate in the commercial...<br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></p></span></span></span></span><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tObB3mEG764&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tObB3mEG764&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: arial;">You think she's hot shoving that phallic burrito into her mouth? Just imagine her on the toilet with violent diarrhea 30 seconds after that first bite. [boi oi oi oi oing]</span>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-92078482212772970662009-03-25T10:43:00.005-04:002009-05-19T10:35:31.773-04:00My Soapbox Was Being Repainted, You See...<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ScpHbILadCI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/Zh82nf5bh1M/s1600-h/soap+box.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317140841441686562" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 288px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ScpHbILadCI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/Zh82nf5bh1M/s400/soap+box.bmp" border="0" /></a><br />I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.<br /><br />It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.<br /><br />...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?<br /><br />For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.<br /><br />Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!<br /><br />...and don't even THINK about commenting...you little pussy.<br /><br /><em><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aufxrt0f_NM">Cue the Courtney Hazlett Theme Song!!!</a></em><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aufxrt0f_NM" target="new"></a><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ScpKrc8cQiI/AAAAAAAAAtY/luiDENkXa0Q/s1600-h/Courtney_Hazlett.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317144420428825122" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 160px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 256px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/ScpKrc8cQiI/AAAAAAAAAtY/luiDENkXa0Q/s400/Courtney_Hazlett.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29865539/" target="new">Let's Scoop this bitch.</a><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;">Chris Brown and Rihanna are taking a break</span></strong> </span></div><br /><br />Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...<br /><br /><strong>YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU "DON'T HIT GIRLS." SO DON'T. FUCKING. HIT. GIRLS.</strong><br /><br />It has really, <em>really</em> surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.<br /><br />Listen,<br /><br />Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.<br /><br />But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He <em>punched</em> her. Repeatedly. <strong>BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT.</strong> So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.<br /><br />Aaaand yea. I think I'm done here.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-8211271992521490252009-03-03T12:43:00.004-05:002009-03-03T13:09:34.545-05:00I Guess You Could Say it Was a Hairy Situation<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lUoiKMxSUCw&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lUoiKMxSUCw&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I thought my headline was stupid, until I saw that news item's "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">unbeweaveable</span>". I feel much better about myself. Anyway. I'd like to point out that the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">newsie</span>-guy says that she thanks God a lot. I am still trying to figure out what for. I also enjoy that mister <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pepitone</span> says that it went down <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">thusly</span>: "He still loves you!" "Well I'm sorry, but I do not love him anymore". BANG BANG BANG <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">SUPERWEAVE</span>! </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">On a random note, for the next few hours, I imagine that '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">unbeweavable</span>' may take over '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Crumbelievable</span>' as dumbest thing to replace 'unbelievable' in that EMF song to be stuck in my head.</span><br /><br /><object style="font-family: arial;" height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pFjctVBg6K8&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pFjctVBg6K8&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I don't have too much else to add to this, because... well, what do you say? Good luck telling this broad her weave looks stupid now, though.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually. She mentions she's 'invested' a lot of money in this weave of hers. How much does a weave cost? A google search of 'weaves' - first page that showed up was '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">brownskin</span>.net'. Does that make google racist? Alright. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out how much a weave costs (roughly 3 minutes), and I've gotten no answer, and don't particularly care.</span>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-49689510902913989132009-03-03T11:51:00.004-05:002009-03-03T12:06:41.407-05:00Back From The Dead?<span style="font-family: arial;">No. Not really. My work of late has had me traveling quite a bit and unable to post. That is to say, I'm very lazy. Anyway, I've also been doing a good bit of reading. Here are some of the choice books I've read of late:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Einsteins-Dreams-Alan-Lightman/dp/0446670111">Einstein's Dreams</a><span style="font-family: arial;">, by Alan Lightman.</span><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Explorers-New-Century-Magnus-Mills/dp/0156030780/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236099348&sr=1-1"><br />Explorer's of the New Century</a><span style="font-family: arial;">, by Magnus Mills.</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Carry-Jeeves-Bertie-Novel/dp/1585673927/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236099560&sr=1-1">Carry On, Jeeves</a><span style="font-family: arial;">, by P.G. Wodehouse</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Master-Margarita-Mikhail-Bulgakov/dp/0679760806/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236099619&sr=1-1">The Master and Margarita</a><span style="font-family: arial;">, by Mikhail Bulgakov</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">and for any other baseball nerds out there, </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Whatever-Happened-Hall-Fame-James/dp/0684800888/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236099767&sr=1-1">Whatever Happened to The Hall of Fame</a><span style="font-family: arial;">, by Bill James.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I'd also like to point out that the Mets play the Cardinals today at 1pm on SNY. Yes it is spring training, and yes I will be watching it. You go to hell. Don't you judge me. Unless it's a beauty contest and you're considering giving me the blue ribbon. If that's the case, judge away. </span>Pemulishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03154024603391539546noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-70283681528805670642009-02-26T12:37:00.001-05:002009-02-26T12:38:59.511-05:00Oh it is SO ON. Epilogue<embed name="efp" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" align="middle" src="http://www.spike.com/efp" width="320" height="240" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" bgcolor="000000" flashvars="flvbaseclip=2835321" allowfullscreen="true"></embed> <div style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; FONT-SIZE: 12px; PADDING-BOTTOM: 3px; WIDTH: 448px; COLOR: #fff; PADDING-TOP: 3px; FONT-FAMILY: arial,helvetica,sans-serif; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; COLOR: #ffcc35" href="http://www.spike.com/video/dustin-sussman-aka/2835321">Dustin Sussman AKA Metabolism</a> <a style="COLOR: #ffcc35" href="http://www.spike.com/channel/musicvideos">Music Videos</a> <a style="COLOR: #ffcc35" href="http://www.spike.com/">SPIKE.com</a></div>This is dsussman. The one "rapping." I...it's...I just...kill yourself. Is what I think I'm trying to say here.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-9153120907962896162009-02-10T11:44:00.005-05:002009-02-10T14:40:13.895-05:00Oh it is SO ON. Part 3<a href="http://gallimaufriers.blogspot.com/2009/02/oh-it-is-so-on-part-1.html" target="new">Part 1.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://gallimaufriers.blogspot.com/2009/02/oh-it-is-so-on-part-2.html" target="new">Part 2.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.spike.com/blog/top-10-songs-that/73662?page=2&numPerPage=1" target="new">"The List."</a><br /><br />Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on <a href="http://www.mtv.com/bands/h/hip_hop_week/2006/emcees/">MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST</a>. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)<br /><br /><strong>5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem</strong><br /><br />Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a <em>little</em> stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and<br /><blockquote>8 Mile was a pretty good movie,</blockquote>Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?<br /><blockquote>we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.</blockquote>Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you <em>have no clue what you are speaking of,</em> and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.<br /><blockquote>Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.</blockquote>This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"<br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UpPjuyzrnio&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UpPjuyzrnio&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />Wow, that <em>is</em> pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.<br /><blockquote>If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."</blockquote>Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.<br /><br />So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably <em>would</em> have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list? <blockquote>Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.</blockquote>You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He <em>was</em> never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.<br /><br />Oh, and<br />WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE "DEATH" OF HIP HOP? IT'S ONE FUCKING GUY WHO STARTED TO FALL OFF A TEENSY WEENSY BIT <em>AFTER,</em> I REPEAT, <strong><em>AFTER</strong></em> THIS SONG, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THIS SONG.<br /><br />If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.<br /><br /><strong>4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z</strong><br /><br />You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, <em>let alone</em> on this list, <strong><em>let a-FUCKING-lone</em></strong> higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby." <blockquote>I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam</blockquote>You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself. <blockquote>and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream</blockquote>Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.<br /><br />Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument. <blockquote>but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.</blockquote>OH MY--<br /><br />I can't---<br /><br />I don't evenAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHA;OIE4JV578K8BY045VM0JPC3N7-V34898XS5890X890XSE5SVTNOPSVOVDNUTNPRUOVT8PVN9T498BYPBR9VTP<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SZG94K0GPhI/AAAAAAAAAsw/pIfAFh4z_Tk/s1600-h/TechDifficulties.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301227009064975890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 308px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SZG94K0GPhI/AAAAAAAAAsw/pIfAFh4z_Tk/s400/TechDifficulties.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I just tried to eat my own face.<br /><br />Dustin,<br /><br />This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's <em>why</em> it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:<br /><br />BIG PIMPIN IS NONE OF THESE THINGS FRIEND. <blockquote>I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,</blockquote>You clearly do not, sir. <blockquote>but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.</blockquote>Ya know what? You are completely right. It's <em>totally</em> this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.<br /><br />Oh wait. I'm not. Just him.<br /><br /><strong>3. "Mo Money Mo Problems" - The Notorious B.I.G.</strong><br /><br />The <a href="http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155324/?tag=Biggie+Smalls" target="new">ghost of Biggie Smalls</a> is <em>so</em> going to fuck your world up for this one. <blockquote>I do love this song,</blockquote>WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it <em>directly</em> "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list." <blockquote>but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.</blockquote>And? You do realize that Puffy <em>was</em> the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!" <blockquote>When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.</blockquote>It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin! <blockquote>It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.</blockquote>Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to <em>how</em> these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.<br /><br /><strong>2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals</strong><br /><br />His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.<br /><br />"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, <em>the one fucking time</em> you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.<br /><br />"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."<br /><br />But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't <blockquote>Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits</blockquote>MAYBE THEN YOU SHOULD'VE CHOSEN T-PAIN'S FIRST SINGLE AS THE FUCKING SONG THEN YOU EXHAUSTING BASTARD!<br /><br /><strong>1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em</strong><br /><br />Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.<br /><br />Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.<br /><br />Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...<br /><br />You should know that I <em>fucking love</em> pistol-whipping blind children.BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161192962102445064.post-71947470104239961242009-02-10T09:29:00.006-05:002009-02-10T15:09:17.364-05:00Oh it is SO ON. Part 2<a href="http://gallimaufriers.blogspot.com/2009/02/oh-it-is-so-on-part-1.html" target="new">Part 1.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.spike.com/blog/top-10-songs-that/73662" target="new">"The List."</a><br /><br />Ok. Lessgo.<br /><br /><strong>9. "Me So Horny" - 2 Live Crew</strong> <blockquote>As funny as this song was in back in 1989</blockquote>Aaaaaaaaand stop. You've already made this selection moot. Congratulations.<br /><br />How could a song that was released in <em>Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine,</em> 4 years before Tupac gained noteriety, 5 years before Biggie's debut album, <strong>SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE THE GRAMMYS ADDED A BEST RAP CATEGORY</strong> have helped to "kill" hip hop?<br /><br />Maybe if this was some ingenius time bomb situation where the song slowly crept into the minds of MCs everywhere until there was a major (if indirect) negative impact on the genre of music and community as a whole, MAYBE then put it on the list. Is that your assertion, Mr. Sussman? What are your feelings on "Me so Horny?" <blockquote>nothing more than shock-pop crap that had no place in the world of hip-hop</blockquote>That might be why 2 Live Crew isn't around any more. Oh, and one more thing:<br /><br /><strong>THIS SONG DID THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF "KILLING" HIP HOP, YOU WET SMELLY BRAINFART OF A HUMAN.</strong><br /><br />Sussman makes a throw away comment that <blockquote>the lyrical content in their songs had conservatives like George Will shaking in his boots</blockquote>and then moves on to other nonsensical assinine assertions. What he fails to mention? That the sheriff of the county where 2 Live Crew lived lobbied to get the album listed as "pornography" and later "illegal contraband" because he didn't like colored folk talking about sex. The fucked up thing about it was that a judge in Florida <em>agreed</em> with him, and made the album illegal. ILLEGAL. A local retailer was arrested for selling the album after it was outlawed and several members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for performing live (yes, I'm getting this all from wikipedia, Mr. Sussman. You could have too).<br /><br />Well what the hell is my point? <blockquote>In 1992, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit overturned the obscenity ruling from Jose Gonzales, and the Supreme Court of the United States refused to hear Broward County's appeal.</blockquote>This is when THE SUPREME COURT stood up for hip hop as a valid form of expression protected under the First Amendment.<br /><br />In conclusion, (of #9, that is...we're nowhere CLOSE to done) dsussman put the song that basically ensured future rappers the right to rap about whatever they choose on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop.<br /><br />Oh my God, dsussman. You suck. In fact, you're dsucksman from here on out. Yea I know, a little weak but WHATEVER. IT STANDS.<br /><br /><strong>8. "Ice Ice Baby" – Vanilla Ice</strong><br /><br />Oh thank God, Dustin. This makes sense. It's so obvious that a human raised by chinchillas in the hills of Argentina who has never come in contact with another person or so much as heard another human voice would know that it belongs on this list. Now, go ahead and mercilessly pummel Mr. Ice and we'll continue with our business. <blockquote>I had no choice for this one.</blockquote>No, you pretty much didn't. This, along with a certain large pant-wearing MC named after a tool, marked the beginning of rap's true commericalization. This is the time when record companies tried to make rap music...well, acceptable for old white people. Which was all well and good but this is really where stuff started to <blockquote>I feel like Vanilla was a pretty sincere dude when it came down to his music.</blockquote>Excuse me? <blockquote>The guy was spittin’ Miami raps,</blockquote>Oh God no. You're defending him, aren't you? <blockquote>throwin’ down synchronized dance moves and just plain doin’ his thing.</blockquote><br /><br />...<br /><br /><br />...<br /><br /><br />I just killed someone. Harold from accounting. I went into the men's room here at the office to break a window or bash a urinal, something, ANYTHING to diffuse the rage that Mr. Sussman has just awoken by defending Vanilla Ice, and there was Harold. "Hi Mike," he said. "Bye Harold," I replied. I put him in the stall that's always out of order. Hopefully no one will find him for a while.<br /><br /><em>/takes deep breath</em><br /><br />Mr. Sussman. How on EARTH can you try to defend Vanilla Ice? You had no problem claiming 50 Cent has this anti-music evil commerical empire agenda going on, or dismissing the relevance of 2 Live Crew in hip hop, but you feel it necessary to <em>defend VANILLA FUCKING ICE?</em> Please. Continue. <blockquote>But back in 1990, this song pretty much took on a life of its own and would go on to be one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history.</blockquote>"Pretty much took on a life of its own?" What's that even supposed to mean, in this context? It's pop music. That's sorta how it works. You market a song, put it out on the radio and if you're lucky it "takes a life of its own" and gets popular. Pop. Music. Popular. Music. Savvy? As for it becoming one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history? Give me one good fucking reason it <em>doesn't</em> deserve to be hated. This dude was fucking <em>corny as all get out,</em> the lyrics suck (I frankly don't care that you and all your boys from high school would TOTALLY scream every word at all the semis after getting drunk on wine coolers), and HE BLATANTLY STEALS FROM A DAVID BOWIE SONG AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS A DIFFERENT SONG. This is a HUGE reason that sampling has been underrated as an art form, because of dipshits like this going on TV and saying "mines is like 'ding ding ding dingading ding,' while his is all 'ding ding ding dingdingding ding,' so it's like totes diff." <blockquote>It’s kinda sad that this man had no control of how people in the hip-hop community would react to the popularity of this record.</blockquote>It's kinda sad you likely got paid to make this list, Dustin.<br /><br /><strong>7. "Too Legit To Quit" - MC Hammer</strong><br /><br />Christ. I feel like we're 10,000 words into this bitch and I've covered <em>three fucking songs.</em> Whatever. Onward! <blockquote>I can’t deny that “Addams Groove” was a worse song than “Too Legit,”</blockquote>Then why did you choose 2 Legit? Addams Groove <em>was</em> a worse song, and it was (as far as I can remember) the first time a rap song was written for and about a movie, which began a really terrible string of cross-marketing rap songs (most notably terrible would include <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEaX4ApC_EU" target="new">Wild Wild West</a> and the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe4BArnxtcM" target="new">Rugrats Rap Song</a>, which I still can't decide is the worst or best thing created by humans to date). <em>That</em> would've been something you could argue helped "kill" hip hop. But no. You decided to go with 2 Legit 2 Quit. Explain yourself, young man. <blockquote>Hammer’s first single off his 1991 LP seemed to almost flush the entire hip-hop/rap scene down the crapper.</blockquote>How, exactly? <blockquote>The size and scope of “Too Legit” helped push Hammer even further away from his musical roots in Oakland</blockquote>The roots that were apparently healthy and full of "realness" when he dropped "Can't Touch This" lookin like<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SZGpdLY0oaI/AAAAAAAAAso/DHdT4Vpuxsw/s1600-h/Mc-Hammer.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301204555129987490" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H8L0OEO9bx4/SZGpdLY0oaI/AAAAAAAAAso/DHdT4Vpuxsw/s400/Mc-Hammer.jpg" border="0" /></a>this? <blockquote>If it wasn’t for The Chronic, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.</blockquote>OMG YOU ARE <em>SOOOOOOOOOO</em> COOL FOR SHOUTING OUT THE CHRONIC!!! OMG YOU LISTENED TO DR. DRE AND SNOOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA WAS LISTENING TO THEM?!?!?!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO TOTES GANGTSTA LOLCATZ!!!11!1!ONE!!1!!<br /><br />By the way: 2 Legit 2 Quit was released in 1991. The Chronic was released in 1995. So way to completely make up an anecdote to make yourself seem cool.<br /><br />Such a douche.<br /><br /><strong>6. "Gettin' Jiggy wit It" - Will Smith</strong> <blockquote>I give Will Smith credit for making clean hip hop for the masses, but when Big Willie Style dropped in 1997 I had honestly had enough.</blockquote>Me too, dsucksman. Wow, maybe we <em>would</em> be friends if we met each other. Now how did this help to "kill" hip hop? <blockquote>It was like a hip-hop covers record from start to finish.</blockquote>Okaaaaaay...and this helped kill hip hop becaaaaauuuse...<br /><br />...<br /><br /><br />?<br /><br /><blockquote>"Just the Two of Us"? Fresh Prince, please.</blockquote>dsucksman, this is not a "Top 10 Hip Hop Songs That I Personally Don't Care For," it's a list that...you know what? Forget it. Just...forget it.<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>to be continued...</em></strong>BRBRCKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15189865125566435684noreply@blogger.com1