Muaha, Muaha, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
World: meet the Butt Bandit.
The perpetrator, according to Chief Ben McBride, has been busy for more than a year leaving his rear-end mark smeared with petroleum jelly and lotion, on area store, school and church windows.
Oh my. Oh my my my. Where to begin? Literally?!? I mean, do we begin by simply stating that this is the greatest thing anyone has ever done in the history of people having buttockses? Do we delve into the amount of preparation that it must take to pull off these...what do you even call it? A "butt-smearing?" Or what about the fact that this dude has eluded the po-po for a fucking year?!? Or that this dude has continued to fucking butt-smear for a fucking year?!?
This is blogger Nirvana, here.
In one brazen attack, the Butt Bandit hit a local hotel where virtually all of its windows were imprinted with his derriere and crotch.
And the best thing is...what the hell happens if they catch him? I mean, yeah, he gets tagged for vandalization, but there's really not a whole helluva lot else you can charge him with... So if this guy ever gets caught, what's the worst? A fine, a little community service and title of "coolest person ever to step foot in Valentine, Nebraska?"
One thing that must suck, though: the getaway run. Can you imagine lubing up your butt and groin, pressing ham, and then having to run away??? Squish, squish, squish...
Police staked out one church that had been repeatedly hit but were unable to catch the culprit. The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as approximately 6-feet-tall, slender with a dark complexion, and hair styled in a "1980s" feathered look.