Thursday, September 4, 2008

They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab, But I'm an Elephant Elephant Elephant

Amy Winehouse jokes are still funny, right? Great. Anyway, if you had an elephant, and let's say roughly a fuckload of heroin, wouldn't you use some of it to get the elephant fucked up? I know these guys would.

A once drug-addled elephant fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home after emerging clean from a three-year detox program on China's tropical island province of Hainan.

An elephant. A three.year.detox program. What I'd like to see is how much money was spent on this rehabilitation process versus a list of things that money would have been better spent on. Could you imagine the things you could include on that list that you could totally get away with because the only thing on the other side of the list is: Rehab for an elephant. You could literally write anything. "Develop flying robot legs to replace current, perfectly working legs." See?

The four-year-old bull elephant, referred to alternately as "Big Brother" or "Xiguang" in state media reports, was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used spiked bananas to control him.

So the question I guess I'm going to have to interject here is 1. Why did they capture this elephant? I understand why they'd need to control him once captured, but why capture him in the first place? Shits and giggles? A dare? Scavenger hunt? Also, illegal traders? Were they elephant traders? What does that entail? I'll trade you this elephant for your 1983 Doc Gooden rookie card? I know, I know trade like as in commerce and shit. Ivory for pianos and ... I don't know what else elephants are used for, aside from prehistoric showers. I'm fucking confused. Google break! In the mean time, I think we all know exactly what it must be like when an elephant does heroin.

Google failed to produce any results on "illegal elephant trade" that weren't insanely boring, so we'll just have to work with what we have.

After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection center in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

I wonder if this is like, common, or if it goes down like, "Hey we caught these fuckers!" "Great, hows the elephant?" "Umm...fucked up?" Or if they're used to it and the answer's like "Dude, fucking wrecked, as per usual."

A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang off his addiction.

Now, is it me or does that seem kind of like a waste of methadone.

Now clean, Xiguang was expected to arrive on Saturday at a wildlife park in Kunming, capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan on the mainland.
Xiguang's return would cap a 1,500-km journey home, Xinhua said, and mark another step in the elephant's triumph over addiction.

I hope they have someone there to keep an eye on him, you never know if he's going to start using again. You have to wonder if he ever joneses for it and is like "Ah man, I need a fucking fix. Ah fuck! I'm an elephant!" He starts wandering around, sauntering in the bad areas of town, secretly hoping to be recaptured. Anyway, about his triumphant return, Xiguang seems to be handling it pretty well. When reached for comment, he said:

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life...

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