Friday, September 5, 2008

The Catholic Church is Tolerant

Now look everyone. I'm not trying to get all relig-y here. Jesus is a friend of mine. In fact, it reminds of a little ditty I know. And it goes a little something like this:

heres the link if this is being weird.

But so I guess my point here is that the Catholic church, whom you may recall from such scandals as:
Papal indulgences! The Spanish Inquisition! And Rape! Have issued a new statement from progressive and forward-thinking new-ish pope, Joey "The Ratzinger" Ratzinger!!!

In an effort to come across as a kinder, more gentle and more accepting Church (bear in mind that the word catholic translates literally to "universal", Ratzy issued a statement...restating that Catholicism is the eh...
only[tugs collar uncomfortably]

Formulated as five questions and answers, the document is titled "Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church."

Not answered was my question, which I submitted any number of times, "Hey, why are you being such a dick?"

It says although Orthodox churches are true churches, they are defective because they do not recognize the primacy of the Pope.

I also recently issued a 16 page statement to my friends stating that if they don't recognize my primacy, they are assholes. Here's what I'm not sure I get: the point? If the prime minister of Australia issued a statement saying Australian white guys are the one true type of white guy, I'd be confused, but I also wouldn't give a shit. So why bother issuing this statement? Is some Episcopalian going to be like "Oh fuck! The Pope thinks Catholics are better than us! I don't believe that he's infallible because it's bullshit and my religion's a joke to begin with since it was birthed from a King who wanted to remarry but fuck! I guess I better be Catholic!!" And if you're around that Episcopalian when he says that, punch that long-winded fuck in his stupid limey face.

Anyway, what I'm driving at is that if you're a faltering religion because of scandals and intolerance, a 16 page statement saying essentially "We're better than you" might not be the best idea. Anywho, carry on Ratzy:

"It follows that these separated churches and communities, though we believe they suffer from defects, are deprived neither of significance nor importance in the mystery of salvation," it said.

Defects like sexism and homophobia and child rape? Oh wait... Move along.

The decree comes days after liberal Catholic and Jewish groups spoke out against the Pope's move to authorize the wider use of a traditional Latin mass.

Here's the thing. Remeber Vatican 2, the deucer? No, you don't because you didn't go to Catholic School from Kindergarten through college? Oh right, so now I'm the asshole. Anyway it was Pope JP Deuce basically saying "We can do mass in English, since the "traditional" Latin mass is only being faithful to tradition of like, a couple hundred years. Because if they seriously wanted to do a "traditional" mass, it would have to be in aramaic or squiggly or whatever. " That's all verbatim. I'm rambling, but I guess my point is, who gives a flying fuck what language you do the mass in? Isn't the message what's important? But if you want to do more in Latin...go nuts? I mean unless there was some difference that would be offensive somehow...

The Tridentine mass includes a prayer for the conversion of Jews. Its use was restricted following the Second Vatican Council from 1962 to 1965.

Hmm... I wonder why Jews would be upset by this German Pope wanting to reintroduce a prayer for their conversion into your masses. I mean, if I were a Jew I would just probably think: "Good for you, you stupid aryan fuck, why would I care what you pray for?" But then again I wouldn't be a very good Jew, so I'm not sure I can speak for them. Anyway, let's wrap this up, Pope Hitler.

The Jewish Anti-Defamation League in New York called it a "body blow to Catholic-Jewish relations."

Religion! It's like boxing for God's love!


  1. I personally liked "Vatican 4: Sacrament of the Fist" best, but I'm a sucker for Steven Segal playing a priest/secret government operative/cook on a train, or some shit...

  2. Vatican 5: This Time, It's Personal