Tuesday, September 30, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Domesticated Ungulate!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Middletown: Uh Oh, Michelle is back on the pipe. Well guess what. I'm not. You think I wanted to go through a magical transformation into this bovine creature you see before you? I didn't. I didn't ask for this shit, but here I am.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically. Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit.

You can't arrest a cow for being a cow! How you gunna play me like that? Yea I disrupted traffic, I'm a cow! Just point me in the direction of the nearest field and be on your way! And yes I was chasing children, but those little fuckers were trying to milk me! That is for me and my babies. You do not touch my udders without permission.

She also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, police say.

Of course I pissed on his porch. Where you want me to piss, the toilet? I'm a domesticated ungulate, not a super domesticated ungulate! I piss where I piss. I told you, get me back to my grazin' field or you are going to be lookin' at some seriously nasty cow pies on your porch next.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

You bet your humanoid ass there would be problems! Thems aint no threat. That shit is fact, mon frair. How you gunna put a cow in jail? I'm-a need some grass patches and ample space for roaming and cow-pie leavin', and you talking bout a small-ass cell.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

What part of magical transformation don't you get, motherfucker?

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

What I tell you?! Look at me, fuckface! I aint no costume-wearin loonytoon! I'm a boner-fied domesticated motherfucking ungulate. UNGULATE I SAY!! You about to have a cattle beast all up in your grill fucking your porch up Bos taurus style.


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