Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

You needsta step yo pimp game UP, NEPHEW!

In an affront to all us pimps out here, Rick Rossin' it, tryin' to do the right thing and not love deez ho's, a Springfield-based "pimp" got the shit slapped out of him.

Here's how it went down...

So this dude, Anthony Mello picks up some skeezy lil' ho up on da street all like,

Skeezy Ho: Hey baby, how youuuuu?

Mello: How much dat ass cost?

Skeezy Ho: Whatchu want?

Mello: DATASS, bitch! Is you deaf?

Skeezy Ho: Aight, cutie, unlock yo' do' and le's go!

Mello: Nah, crawl through da window, bitch!

...oh, by the you come with a money back guarantee?

So they do the do, right? And for some reason (the article never explains it because "real" journalists suck and never ask the good questions) this dude wants some of his money back.

Uh, excuuuuuuse me?

Not all of it. Just some of it. So it's not like they didn't have sex, or he pulled her panties off and found a surprise (your gun is digging into my hip...ewwwwww). So what the fuck?

Did she sneeze in his face whilst making whoopie? Did she let loose a silent-but-deadly while he was hittin' that from behind? Did she burp on his dick? WTF,M-erF-er?

Yeah baby, I'ma need liiiiiike, $15, maybe $20 back...dat ass was NOT worf a whole $25.

Mello told police when he tried to take his money back, she called her husband, who was waiting downstairs in a vehicle.

Ok so she calls her pimp and-- wait, WHAT? Her...husband?

Hi sweety, how'd it go? Did he have a nice cock? Wanna hit up red lobster?

Can you imagine this dude's life? Sitting in his car, singing along to Ne-Yo's new song on the radio, sipping a green tea Snapple, all while his wife is getting pounded by some complete stranger in fairly close proximity (my boy Pemulis raised a very good question: "does she kiss him when she comes back?" ewwwwww). And THEN some motherfucker's talking about a REFUND??

Arright, Taquito, you chill here...daddy's gotta talk to some dude about our "no refunds" policy.

The woman told police that when her husband entered the residence, Mello threw her husband to the floor and punched him in the face at least six times. The woman said Mello pulled her husband by the ankles down a flight of stairs. The woman said she saw her husband's head hit each step on the way down.

DAYYYYYUUUUUUMMMMMM!!! If there's any justice in this world, immediately after the beating, the pimp/husband opened his eyes and saw this:

Anyway, this dude, Mr. "Mello," sounds like a bad-ass mother shut your mouth. Pimp busts in the door, BAM! Mello's got him on the ground BAM! punchin' his face to shit BAM! draggin' him down the that's some cold shit. I bet he did it all slow, watchin' dude's head bounce off each, this dude might be the most bad-ass dude I've ever written about in my long and illustrious career unless there's something I overlooked and I don't think there is so it's official, he's the mo--

Mello told police he was brought back to the scene by his parents.


So then, they get into the actual escort service who set up this magical evening, and all of a sudden the article turns into a writing assignment penned by an 8 year old.

A woman who answered the phone says the couple was trying to rip off the customer.
She says the company does not hire any women.

Instead she says the women pay the company a fee for referrals to clients.

The woman says they can not control everything that the women do.

She says the company does not encourage or require women to solicit money for sex.

I just picture the reporter on the phone, repeating word-for-word what the escort chick is telling him, while his 8 year old son is transcribing for him. "Daddy, what's 'money for sex' mean?" "Stick around your old man, son...and you'll learn alllllllll about it."

Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore says the serious assault raises questions about the legitimacy and nature of the escort business.

"It almost seems like them girls is lookin' ta offer more than a nice evenin' a'conversay-shun," said Moore, amongst a sea of guffaws.

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