Monday, September 15, 2008

Aren't You a Little Old to be Cheerleading?

Let's say you have a kid when you're 18 years old. You'd probably feel like you lost part of your childhood. Well, if you're interested in getting back on that high school pommel horse around age say, 33 - when your kid is 15 and living with your mom in a different state, you're going to have do a better job of acting than Wendy Brown. Also maybe try not to bounce the check you send in for your cheerleaders uniform. And also stealing your daughter's identity is kind of fucked up anyway. But so here we go folks!

A 33-year-old woman stole her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, according to a criminal complaint filed against the woman.

According to the complaint, Brown wanted to get her high school degree and become a cheerleader because she didn't have a childhood and wanted to regain a part of her life that she'd missed.

Now, I'm no law-ish know-y type smarty-pants, but... can't you get your high school degree regardless of your age? And as for the cheerleader thing... well honey, judging by your mugshot, you weren't going to cut the mustard even in your prime.

Also, let's say this had all worked out and she was on the cheerleading squad, you know she'd just lust after the QB of the football team and be knocked up again before prom, so like, why bother?

Brown allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

"Wow, you sure are old looking for a cheerleader!" "Thanks, yea. I totally never get carded buying beer. If they even think about asking me for an ID I just show them my stretch marks!" "Yea, awesome! I... wait, what the fuck?" "OOoooh listen it's the new Jonas Brothers song! They are so dreamy" "Yea totally, they are so totes hotties." Is this how high school girls talk? I went to an all boys catholic school so I'm treading in unfamiliar waters, but, well, I'm pretty sure they're all that stupid. Anyway, I can't imagine how this plot started heading south...

The $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced, the complaint said.

Whoops! And what's a 15 year old doing with a check book to begin with?! and if you don't even have 135 bucks in your checking account... shouldn't you fucking know it? Like, I can picture a check for like, 5 grand bouncing because you didn't realize you had moved some money into your savings or something, but that's an amount small enough that if you have less than that in your checking account, you probably shouldn't be spending that shit on cheerleaders outfits.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing as the teen, seemed very timid. Demeny said she told her she was not good at math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Nevada. Demeny said she looked older than a student but had the demeanor of a high school girl.

A few things here. How much does it add insult to injury that they're like "Yea, I mean, she looked way old, but totally acted like a 15 year old so we were torn." Also, bad at math? Yea, I think you covered that in the opening sentence when you said a "woman" was arrested. and how bad must that suck to go back to high school and still be one of the dumb kids even though you're almost 20 years older than them? It's like Billy Madison all over again.

A school liaison officer started investigating after Brown only attended the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

So she's going to sneak into the high school and then cut classes? I guess she was trying to be one of the bad-assed kids. I bet she smoked in the bathrooms too. And I bet when she did, the other bad-assed girls were like "Wow, maybe we should quit. I don't want to look like that girl, she looks forty." "Thirty-three you little bit..I mean, come on, I'm totally awesome, who else loves Iggy Pop and James Dean?" "Umm, like, who?"

Assistant Principal Dirk Ribbins later learned Brown's daughter was enrolled at Pahrump Valley High School. Ribbins also spoke with Brown's mother, who told him she had custody of the girl. She said Brown has a history of identity theft crimes, the complaint said.

She also tried to steal the identity of her daughter in the past to get free snacks at pre-school, but that plot was foiled pretty early on, due to reasons I hope are obvious.

Brown made her first court appearance Friday by video conference. The judge set bond at $8,000.

I always wonder how the price for one's bond gets set. I mean, they know she bounced a check for 135$. Why not set the bond for like, $150? Just seems arbitrary and mean, but maybe that's just me, I'm a nice guy.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

WHAT!? That's some bullshit right there. I mean, in the end her crime was pretty harmless, no? Is it because of all her priors or what? Like, its not like she used someones identity to buy a plasma TV and a car or something, she just loves to dance and party! This justice system is dumb. Also... going back to being a high school cheerleader... this all seems so very familiar and I can't place why...Oooooh wait.

She's obviously a big Twin Peaks fan! Forget everything I wrote! I love this woman! Those drape runners are going to be SILENT!!!!!!

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