So, hopefully there will be some sort of update on this story, because holy shit is it ever awesome, though totally incomplete. Prepare to have your socks knocked on their asses.
Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one of the men with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.
I don't even know how to begin writing about this, it's so awesome. I would think rule number one in Burglarizing for Idiots is not to wake up sleeping victims you have just successfully robbed. But I guess if you're going to wake them up, do it in style. This style of course being batshit crazy. Couldn't they specify exactly what happened though? And what spices? Was he trying to make some BBQ? And after you put a spice rub on one guy, why hit the other guy? This new article does not mention the words "acid" or "mushrooms" once, somehow. I guess maybe it just that you're supposed to assume he was beyond fucked up? Anyway, can we thicken this plot up a tad? Anyone got some filé powder to add to this shitty burglary gumbo?
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.
There we are! So since there's so little to this news item that they give us, I'm going to do some angel dust and explain exactly what I think happened. B & E is exhausting. B & E on angel dust is twice as exhausting at least. Once Antonio had successfully stolen the money, he discovered himself to be housing quite a hunger. He walked into what ha assumed was the kitchen, like you do, and saw an entire hog just laying there, waiting to be roasted! "Well, I've got this sausage, might as well cook this piggy up too!" He then began applying a spice rub of brown sugar, some seasoned salt, paprika, cumin and just a touch of nutmeg (that's his secret). Well imagine one's surprise when the hog you are seasoning turns out to be alive and a bit feisty! And then in comes his hog friend not at all happy about you preparing his friend for the spit! What other choice does a man have than to beat him about the face with previously mentioned sausage?
Well, one can be very alarmed at these developments and is often want to get out of one's pants and flee with much haste. Shoes may be removed as well, for we all know that they only slow you down. Then you must lay low until the terror hogs have ceased their rape-dance which had filled you with such fright and fear and caused the de-pantsing and panic run in the first place! It's widely known fields are where angels and dreams live. So you must go and hide in the farthest field, where you and a deceased loved one can play baseball with Ray Liotta. then you must sleep the sleep of Kings where you will be visited by a Viking Warrior on a unicorn who will teach you to love and will touch you deep inside and you will learn to taste colors and love like it's the last day on earth unless you drill that magic asteroid, cuz I'll miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered.
Well thank God for that.
The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.
dick joke dick joke dick joke dick joke
The Smoking Gun now has the whole story, complete with mug shot. It's a pretty tremendous read. Still no mention of drugs or why the fuck he attacked the guy with a sausage or threw spices in the other guys face, but still awesome.