Wednesday, September 24, 2008

News Media Agrees: 5th Times a Charm, DWI-wise

So there's a news story out about a gentleman who was polite to his arresting officer. I know what you're thinking: That hardly qualifies as news, really. Well guess what, I'm bored and it's a slow day, interesting news-wise, so here we are. Just sit back. Relax. Take off your pants. Unwind a little. Have a drink. Feather your bangs. Think about your dad. What's your dad like? I want to meet that dad!

What? Oh. Hi, sorry.

Do you have some booze you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

Instead of having a hostile reaction, a driver offered his thanks when officers pulled him over on suspicion of drunken driving for a fifth time.

Which might lead one to think: Maybe he learned this is the proper approach after being pulled over for DWI's FOUR FUCKING OTHER TIMES?! This is like a story where a kid who gets left back is then able to pass a test he had previously taken, except like he took a dump on it after he filled in all the right answers. Or something. I guess what I'm trying to say is like who fucking cares how polite he was when he was being arrested for a DWI for the 5th goddamn time?

A criminal complaint quoted 52-year-old David Hyland of Plymouth as saying, "Thank you very much for everything you've done for me" after he was stopped early last Friday.

Unfortunately, he wasn't talking to the cop. He was talking simultaneously to the beer in his hand and his penis.

The complaint says he added, "I shouldn't have been driving and deserve to get caught."

Like, congrats? Great? Oh look, he knows he fucked up, again. Let's pat him on the back about it! But in all seriousness for trusies, don't you think that maybe this guy has had a little practice on what to say and what not to say upon being arrested for DWI? I imagine it was a progressive learning experience.

First time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

David Hyland: No Officer, you can even ask your mother, because I'm actually coming from her house, where I just finished having an efficient session of sexual intercourse with her. She even let me ejaculate on your high school yearbook photo!

Second time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: Excuse me officer, have you been sucking cock tonight? Your breath smells like cock.

Third Time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: No, why? You trying to pick me up? You want to take me out for a drink? I'm so lonely. Are you lonely? Rub my leg a little, if you're lonely.

Fourth Time:

Cop: Hi David. Drunk again?

DH: Umm... no? I mean yes? I mean whats the answer I give to not get cold cocked or arrested? I better write this down.

After he failed field sobriety tests and registered a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, or over the limit of 0.08 percent, he told officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive.

It's a good thing he told the officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive, otherwise they would have had no idea! What with all the field sobriety tests and the blood tests and the what have yous. I just find it so odd that like, someone being polite while being arrested for their fifth DWI is somehow news worthy. Like who fucking cares, get back to me when he starts calling lady officers sugar tits and goes on rants blaming the Jews for all the worlds wars.

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