Friday, September 19, 2008

Jail Rule Number 1: Watch Your Ass

In an attempt to make a late bid for "stupidest country of 2008," Egypt decided to jail a donkey for 24 hours for stealing corn. For fucking serious realzies.

An Egyptian donkey has been jailed for stealing corn on the cob from a field belonging to an agricultural research institute in the Nile Delta, local media reported on Thursday.
Let this one marinade with you for a minute.

Now, one assumes that jail time is reserved for individuals who commit crimes, yes? To teach them a lesson, yes? Rehabilitate them, even. So we must assume that the judge decided (after a cross-examination?) that the donkey knowingly "stole" corn from a private field and did so with malicious intent. Therefore, to teach the donkey that one cannot steal and be considered a valued, productive member of society the judge the donkey...for 24 wouldn't steal any more corn?

Pardon me.

(Shoots self in face)

That's better. Ahem, where were we?
The ass and its owner were apprehended at a police checkpoint that had been set up after the institute's director complained that someone was stealing his crops, the state-owned Al-Ahram daily said.

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Need to see some ID.

Donkey: Uh, sure officer...let me just grab that for you...
(searches nervously through man purse) So, uh, heh, hot enough out here for you? Heh, hehe--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Just show me some ID, sir.

Donkey: Yes sir, officer... (continues to search) It's...heh, it's crazy I don't know where I put my...heh, got so much stuff in here, y'know?

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir, let me see that bag.

Donkey: I'm sorry, why do you need to--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir what I do NOT need is trouble from you. What I DO need is to take a look at that bag, so (reaches for bag)

Donkey: NO!

(bag falls to the ground, stolen corn spills out)

Donkey: (sighs, assumes the position)

The unnamed ungulate was found in possession of the institute's corn and a local judge sentenced him to 24 hours in prison. The man who had his ass thrown in jail got off with a fine of 50 Egyptian pounds (nine dollars, six euros).
First, I'd just like to "big up" whoever wrote this article. It takes an individual of a certain stature to commit fully to ass puns throughout a report for a reputable National News Thingy. Second, I just can't fucking get over the fact that a judge sentenced a pack animal to jailtime. And it's owner got a lesser sentence!!! So not only did this judge find a pea-brained animal guilty for intentionally unlawful behavior, he also decided that the human that owned the animal was less guilty than the fucking oblivious animal. I hope the judge reprimanded the donkey.

"Sir, I have a donkey, myself. A good, law-abiding donkey that loves his family and his country and wants to make them proud. You are an INSULT to him, sir. An INSULT!!! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

"Um, hee-haw?"

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. Although it was only one night, the donkey didn't escape without a taste of the harsh realities of life in an Egyptian prison...

1 comment:

  1. He should have tried to look remorseful at the trial. Maybe would have gotten away with a slap on the wrist or paw or hoof or whatever. I'm thinking along these lines: