Butt Bandit: Captured!

Now, some of you might remember back in September, when our own Berbalerbs reported here of an outbreak of pressed ham in Valentine, Nebraska. Well, even if you don't remember I just posted the fucking link right there, so now you have no excuse. Unless you don't click it. Anyway, unfortunately for the butt bandit, he's been captured!

Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."

The first thing I'm going to point out is that if you are at work, and you do a google image search for 'butt bandit', please make sure that your 'safe search' is on. I'll leave it at that. Pressing on: What I'd like to know is what this 35 year old man is doing with his life that this is his act of defiance against something. I hope this guy comes out with a book, or at least a news article of some kind explaining what runs through one's mind when making the decision to do this. Like is there some point when you're trying to decide whether or not you should, and you stop and think to yourself "no, I must!" I find trying to discover motive for something like this far more interesting than like, murder even. Because things like that it's usually pretty black and white. Also, please note that the man has not been charged yet. What do you charge him with, exactly? Also, if it is a crime (I guess it has to be some kind of crime, right?), isn't it an insanely victimless crime? Who's the victim, a window washer?

Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind - sometimes his groin, sometimes both - on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it's "the act of a lone deviant."

I wonder what would make them think there was a copycat? "This buttock imprint seems like it came from a larger ass than the previous. Looks like we might have ourselves a copy cat." Because like, who in their right mind here's about this and thinks "Ooooh I should totally do that too?" Also, this began in spring of 07. This guy had some long term plans for this thing, apparently.

"This isn't normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.," Scott said. "It's an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here."

He then added "This is Lincoln bullshit. People don't do this in Valentine. I'd expect this from maybe an Omaha man, but not a Valentine man." Seriously, how is it embarrassing for the hardworking people? It this meant to imply that the lazy people of Valentine are not embarrassed? That shit don't make no sense! Also, why be embarrassed? Who fucking cares. Come to New York, watch a hobo piss on a fire hydrant midday. Or watch it online, I don't care. As long as it's a free show, right?

The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.

Plus like, how many people do you figure are doing this shit?

Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top "wilderness" towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.

Also note they don't explain what this means. At all. It was also rated "top place to find windows to press your greasy ass onto without getting caught for at least a year." This of course is my rating, which means absolutely nothing, except it reminded me of a time a few years ago when I was at this karaoke bar and went outside with a friend and he lifted up his shirt and pressed his moobs up to the window of this Indian restaurant next door, right in front of this family who was trying to enjoy their dinner at the time. It was awesome.

People from around the country send Valentine's Day cards to the city's post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.

People from around the country need to get a fucking life.

The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.
He stopped over the fall and winter.

Well, yea. I mean, it's fucking cold during the fall and winter. Why on earth would you do that shit during cold months? I mean that's just crazy.

During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.

You have to wonder if he came home that night with a greater sense of accomplishment than he did the other nights when he just got to leave his mark on one window. He came home, patted himself on the back and said, "You did it big guy. Tonight, you're the winner."

Trail of Smears

As night falls, the city becomes awash in a twinkling sea of lights and tranquility. All is well in the booming Megalopolis of...(checks notes) um, Valentine, Nebraska. Or at least, all seems well...

Rest, gentle city...for tomorrow, nothing will EVER be the same...

Perched high above the sleeping masses, an evil genius waits...waits for the perfect time to strike...They had all mocked him as a young boy, laughed in his face when he told them he was going to make a big impact on this world...well now, the laughing would cease. He would see to that this very night... Alright, so if this were a movie, I'd put in a little fade here, and jump to the next scene. Being that this is a blog posting and not a movie, I'm going to need your help here. Please slowly close your eyes, then open them really quickly (in the blog-post-pretending-to-be-movie industry we call that a "smash cut") and scroll down. Now.

***

*****

*******

Muaha, Muaha, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

World: meet the Butt Bandit.

The perpetrator, according to Chief Ben McBride, has been busy for more than a year leaving his rear-end mark smeared with petroleum jelly and lotion, on area store, school and church windows.

Oh my. Oh my my my. Where to begin? Literally?!? I mean, do we begin by simply stating that this is the greatest thing anyone has ever done in the history of people having buttockses? Do we delve into the amount of preparation that it must take to pull off these...what do you even call it? A "butt-smearing?" Or what about the fact that this dude has eluded the po-po for a fucking year?!? Or that this dude has continued to fucking butt-smear for a fucking year?!?

This is blogger Nirvana, here.

In one brazen attack, the Butt Bandit hit a local hotel where virtually all of its windows were imprinted with his derriere and crotch.

(**Dies happy**)

And the best thing is...what the hell happens if they catch him? I mean, yeah, he gets tagged for vandalization, but there's really not a whole helluva lot else you can charge him with... So if this guy ever gets caught, what's the worst? A fine, a little community service and title of "coolest person ever to step foot in Valentine, Nebraska?"

One thing that must suck, though: the getaway run. Can you imagine lubing up your butt and groin, pressing ham, and then having to run away??? Squish, squish, squish...

Police staked out one church that had been repeatedly hit but were unable to catch the culprit. The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as approximately 6-feet-tall, slender with a dark complexion, and hair styled in a "1980s" feathered look.

Time to line up the usual suspects...