Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them VOL. 1

Hello, all you people too poor to buy the New York Times and too lazy to find a copy of the Onion! Time for some newsy news!!!:)))))))

This segment is called "Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them," because it's true! I've met no less than 200 in my life that I would've immediately buried a knife into if it weren't for all those pesky legal limitations! Ready to meet #201?!?!?!?!?!?!!??:(j/k:))))

COCKBLOG: SPAASBIITKT

(that's the abbreviated version)

It's a rainy day for the Manhattan restaurateur who sued a supermodel claiming she intentionally damaged his designer umbrella, said to be worth $5,000.

Well, we've got a 2 for 1 deal here! I'd kill the restauranteur and the idiot who wrote that tag line...if it weren't illegal!

Honestly...a designer umbrella? Why the d*ck f*rt would you spend $5,000 on something that's sole purpose is to get f*cked up? Maybe it just went well with his $50,000 Gucci mud flaps for his pickup truck.

Balan claimed he lent supermodel Le Call

"Le Call?" You mean to suggest that there is a supermodel whose name is French for "The Call?" I don't advocate violence towards women who know their place, never have and never will, but someone really needs to slap this b*tch with my penis, like NOWSIES.

his limited-edition leather umbrella designed by Jean-Paul (ZHON'-Pawl) Gaultier (GOL'-tee-yay)

I guess that's for all you mouth-breathers who thought it was pronounced (GEEN-Pawl Golly-Gosh-Gee-Sister-F*cker)

and she belatedly returned it to him in two pieces.
This is Le Call. Now I don't know about you, but there are a few things I could think of that would make me forget all about that umbrella, if ya know what I mean...Huh? Ya know what I mean? Huh? HUH?

Balan, owner of

Buttsex. With her. Is what I was referencing before.

Balan, owner of the celeb magnet Nello's, sought $1 million in the lawsuit and claimed emotional distress over the damaged umbrella.

Now I usually refrain from calling gay fairy queens fags, but COME ON FAG! Can you imagine this guy? He's all,

Omigod! I don't have my fancy ZHON'-Pawl GOL'-tee-yaaaaay umbrella!!! I know it's not raining, but I look TOTES cute holding it and my gay friend Ferocia likes to sodomize me with it!!! I'm all GOl'-tee-YAAAAAAAYSODOMIZEMEI'MGODLESSYAAAAAAAY

I'm paraphrasing, of course, but it's pretty close to what actually went on, I bet.

And why is emotional stress always valued at $1 million? It seems like that's the standard "stress fee" or something. Can you imagine walking into a courtroom and trying to keep a straight face while you explained to the judge who may or may not have just presided over a triple homicide case that you deserved 7 figures because you decided to entrust a supermodel (FOOD CHAIN: Pigeons > Dung Beetles > Corpses > Supermodels) with a $5,000 umbrella that you purposefully chose to buy and SOO-F*CKING-PRIZE she messed it up?

State Supreme Court Justice Joan A. Madden threw out Nello Balan's lawsuit Friday. She also fined Balan's attorney $500 for filing a frivolous claim and said motions the attorney filed were a "waste of judicial resources."

That's a good start, but I'd have really liked to see the judge mandate that the Plaintiff punch himself in the face until he died from it. Oh and in case you were wondering whether or not Nello Balan was a douche,