But I'm Too Fat To Die!

Now, if one is on death row, I suppose it would be pretty tough to find solid reasons for eating well or trying to stay in shape. I would then posit, that it would be reasonable to see oneself growing to fat too execute by lethal injection. I would also... wait. What? So this guy is trying to cheat death by way of overeating? He's now saying the weight gain was unintentional, but this is a murderapist a few weeks away from death, so it's like don't you have to take whatever he says re his own fate with like, a silo of salt?

I'm also too handsome to die!

Richard Cooey said in a death row interview that his execution cannot be carried out humanely under current state procedures because his veins are hard to reach.

Vein access! You can't kill me! My veins are finicky! I guess here's as good a spot as any to interject that I'm anti-capital punishment. Well, let me clarify that a little. I'm anti-humane capital punishment. It seems that if your best argument for the death penalty is that it's a deterrent from more killings or whatever, should you want to send a fucking strong-ass message to potential criminals? "You murder and rape two people (not necessarily in that order) and you are going to die...quickly and painlessly, eventually, unless you put on some weight and we can't get at those pesky veins." Bush league. Executions should be brutal and unbearable to watch. Like why bother if you're going to half ass it?

Cooey, 5-foot, 7 inches tall and 267 pounds, said he has gained perhaps 70 pounds while being locked up for raping and killing two University of Akron students 22 years ago while he was on leave from the U.S. Army. He blamed the weight gain on medication and lack of exercise.

I guess my question here is like what medication are we taxpayers paying for this gentleman to be taking while on death row for murder and rape. Also, if you're the prison, can't you be like "Hmmm this asshole is starting to plump up a little, maybe we should change his diet so he can't like bail on his death sentence when it comes up" Also what are they feeding these death row inmates? And can't they like, force him to exercise or something? I mean being a death row-y guy should be tantamount to being a slave. I know the scenario you are doubtlessly envisioning: "Hey Cooey, paint my fence!" "Fuck you, what are you going to do, kill me?" But I say to you this: If that happens you punch the shit out of his face or solar plexus or wherever you want, and get a little aggression out. You win either way!

"It's hard getting access to my veins," said Cooey, who was handcuffed and locked in a closet-sized visiting room. He spoke through a straw-sized slit in a reinforced glass partition.

How often have they been trying to access his fat veins? Do they practice weekly so they don't fuck up come game time? And visitation closet? What are they afraid he's going to... oh yea.

Cooey said he has heard secondhand about comedians' jokes about the Ohio inmate who claims he's too fat to be executed.

News travels fast on death row.

But he says that ridicule reflects ignorance of his underlying claim that it's the inaccessibility of his veins that makes it difficult to get an IV inserted for a lethal injection.

Or maybe the ridicule reflects that people don't like your fat, rape-y, murder-y ass and want you to die. You dumbass.

The legal challenge is based on constitutional issues and not fear of execution, Cooey said. "It has nothing to do with weight gain," he said. Instead of lethal injection, "If it would make people happy, shoot me in the head with a .45," Cooey said. "Do it legally."

Now you're on the trolley!! Get this man an ice cream cone. And get me whatever a .45 is!

Cooey and a co-defendant kidnapped Wendy Offredo, 21, and Dawn McCreery, 20, after disabling their car by dropping a chunk of concrete on it from a highway overpass. They choked and beat the women to death after repeatedly raping them, then carved X's in their abdomens.

On second thought, can't we argue for like, drawing and quartering people again?

Cooey deflected questions about remorse and said his past comments about the victims and their families had been misunderstood. "I can't come out good," he said.

"You miss understood me when I said I enjoyed raping and murdering your daughter. What I meant was that I enjoyed raping her, but she saw me so I had to kill her. The drawing an X thing was supposed to represent the X-cruciating inner struggle I had when I realized I had to kill her. Oh, so I'm the asshole now?"

Cooey wouldn't say whether he would have something to say in the death chamber. He indicated there might be a new legal challenge to his execution, but he wouldn't detail any strategy because he didn't want to tip off prosecutors.

Didn't want to ruin the surprise. I bet it'll be something like "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back." And what strategy could he possibly tip off to the prosecution? Your whole case is that you're too fat to get lethal injection. Pretty straight-forward, in this man's humble opinion.

Cooey, who would not discuss his prison life or his family, has been on death row since 1986.

So, he's had over two decades to get this fat? Justice is swift my friends. Unless it gets winded after a flight of stairs or whatever.