Thursday, September 25, 2008

Note to World: Never Get Circumcised in Kansas

Unfortunately, the story I am about to relate is kind of well-worn territory here at The Gallimaufry. If you are too lazy to click that link, or don't remember the story, here's your warning: What follows is going to be about a man who had his dongle removed while unconscious.

A Shelby County man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man's penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit.

I like that they added in that the doctors didn't have his consent. Like after you read amputated penis you might think to yourself, "Well if he said it was alright..."

According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton went to have a circumcision last October. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure, he realized his penis had been amputated.

How old is this guy to be having a circumcision? Isn't there a like, statute of limitations on that sort of thing? And if he's only 8 days old he shouldn't be married or able to communicate as well as he seems to be able to. Anyway, Jaysus. Try to imagine some kind of worse scenario to wake up to. Can you? I can't. Its got to be bad enough going under and knowing that two people you don't really know are going to be working on your wiener with scalpels. "I'm just going to take a little nap here and lets these guys have at my cock with insanely sharp knives. Whatever though, it's not like they're cutting my dick off." He has to be like, legally allowed to kill these doctors right?

Seaton has suffered mental anguish, pain, and has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Yea no shit. Being surrounded by like a million adorable kittens couldn't bring you back from this kind of abyss.

Kevin George, the plaintiff's attorney, said [Dr. Kevin] Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin.

When then asked to clarify, Patterson added, "It was one of those explosive-type cancer situations. I knew that if I didn't make the executive decision to cut that sucker off, his penis could have exploded any second!" He then added, for seemingly no good reason, "Besides, it's not like we took off much more than we would have had we only done the circumcision." Phillip Seaton then replied, "Who am I, this guy?" When further questioned about who exactly "this guy" was, Seaton replied, "Oh, well I'm assuming this will all be turned into text and 'this guy' will link to an obscure blog's post about a guy with a tiny penis."

"Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, 'Here are your options. You have cancer,' and the family would have said, 'We want a second opinion. This is a big deal,'" George said.

Ummm... yea, that sounds way more reasonable than just hacking the thing off... Wish I had a joke here but, damn boo. I never want to be in a position where I have to explain to a man upon waking up that I removed his penis, and try to explain that it was for his own good. Though I can't even begin to imagine how I might find myself in that position. If you'd like to write a short story in which I am the lead character and find myself in a position to do the aforementioned acts, please email it to me and I will post it right here on this blog.

The lawsuit also claims the plaintiff did not consent to general anesthesia.

But like why even bother adding that in when you more importantly never consented to having your goddamn dick removed!? If you'll excuse me I'm going to go find a quiet corner to weep in while balled up like a fetus and sucking my thumb.

The Seatons are seeking punitive damages against both doctors and the medical practice. Attorneys for the defendants will now have a chance to respond to the suit.

Attorneys are expected to say that Seaton just doesn't get the doctors sense of humor. Yes he removed his penis without a goof!

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