Alright FINE I'll Go to Rehab, but I STILL Don't Think I Have a Problem...

Listen, I know I ain't yer "typical 'Merican citizen." I'm a bit of a "loose cannon." I "play by my own rules." I "sometimes show up to court and give 'em the old 'Kentucky Death Stare,' like this:"

I may do things "a little differently." I don't "bathe." I defecate "in public."

I've been "arrested over a thousand fucking times...really...no, really."

Like...300 times over a thousand times.

LEXINGTON, Ky. -- A Lexington man arrested more than 1,000 times in 16 years says he wants to go to rehab.

Horse pucky!!! My exact quote was "judge, 'r ye gonna stop ridin' m'nuts if'n I go t'rehab? Then'll fuckin' go." I didn't want to! Shit I'd just as soon go back t'prison. Ain't seen m'mama in bout a fortnight.

A Fayette District Court Judge gave Henry Earl an ultimatum: accept probation and treatment or spend the next 90 days behind bars for alcohol intoxication.

Judge GodWhyDoTheyGiveMeAllTheRetards: Sir, you have a choice...you can go back to jail, for like, the billionth time, or you can go to rehab and try and turn your life around.

Wiley Hick: Turn m'life 'round?

Judge: Unlikely but possible, yes.

Wiley Hick: What if'n I jist promise ta never git arrested agin til next month?

(Judge stares at W.H.)

Wiley Hick: Ok FINE, I know I prob'ly couldn't hold up m'end of the bargain there...

Judge: Prison or rehab?

Wiley Hick: What's the toilet moonshine situation in rehab?

Judge: There isn't one.

Wiley Hick: Well damn, that's a easy choice then. I'll take the 90 da-- say, what's the shower room rape situation in rehab?

Judge: There isn't one.

Wiley Hick: Jail cell rape?

Judge: Um...no.

Wiley Hick: Laundry room rape?

Judge: No!

Wiley Hick: Face-in-poop-filled-toilet-community-bathroom rape?

Judge: No, th-- ew, are you fucking serious?!?

Wiley Hick: Rehab it is!

In court Thursday, Earl told the judge

HAHAHAHAHAH YES! His fucking name is EARL!! Is this the guy that show's based on?

In court Thursday, Earl told the judge he's willing to go to rehab if the treatment center will take him.

BIG fuckin' if there, Cleetus. Although something tells me even if he screws up his rehab entrance interview (read: poops on the carpet in the waiting room), 90 days of jail isn't going to be the end of the world for him.

Earl has spent an average of nearly 250 days in jail each year since 1992.

250 days...for 16 years. 250. 16.

That's roughly 4000 days this bumpkin has spent behind bars.

Roughly 11 out of the past 16 years have been spent by Earl in incarceration.

I am 100% serious, if Earl was black he'd have probably been killed on Kentucky principal. Nothing against Kentucky or its citizens. You're just all racist ignorant homophobic idiotic simple minded cousin fucking mouth breathing trailer owning beer belly showing pieces of shit, is all.

Jail Rule Number 1: Watch Your Ass

In an attempt to make a late bid for "stupidest country of 2008," Egypt decided to jail a donkey for 24 hours for stealing corn. For fucking serious realzies.

An Egyptian donkey has been jailed for stealing corn on the cob from a field belonging to an agricultural research institute in the Nile Delta, local media reported on Thursday.

Let this one marinade with you for a minute.

Now, one assumes that jail time is reserved for individuals who commit crimes, yes? To teach them a lesson, yes? Rehabilitate them, even. So we must assume that the judge decided (after a cross-examination?) that the donkey knowingly "stole" corn from a private field and did so with malicious intent. Therefore, to teach the donkey that one cannot steal and be considered a valued, productive member of society the judge decided...to...jail the donkey...for 24 hours...so that...um...it wouldn't steal any more corn?

Pardon me.

(Shoots self in face)

That's better. Ahem, where were we?

The ass and its owner were apprehended at a police checkpoint that had been set up after the institute's director complained that someone was stealing his crops, the state-owned Al-Ahram daily said.

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Need to see some ID.







Donkey: Uh, sure officer...let me just grab that for you...
(searches nervously through man purse) So, uh, heh, hot enough out here for you? Heh, hehe--



Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Just show me some ID, sir.

Donkey: Yes sir, officer... (continues to search) It's...heh, it's crazy I don't know where I put my...heh, got so much stuff in here, y'know?

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir, let me see that bag.

Donkey: I'm sorry, why do you need to--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir what I do NOT need is trouble from you. What I DO need is to take a look at that bag, so (reaches for bag)

Donkey: NO!

(bag falls to the ground, stolen corn spills out)

Donkey: (sighs, assumes the position)

The unnamed ungulate was found in possession of the institute's corn and a local judge sentenced him to 24 hours in prison. The man who had his ass thrown in jail got off with a fine of 50 Egyptian pounds (nine dollars, six euros).

First, I'd just like to "big up" whoever wrote this article. It takes an individual of a certain stature to commit fully to ass puns throughout a report for a reputable National News Thingy. Second, I just can't fucking get over the fact that a judge sentenced a pack animal to jailtime. And it's owner got a lesser sentence!!! So not only did this judge find a pea-brained animal guilty for intentionally unlawful behavior, he also decided that the human that owned the animal was less guilty than the fucking oblivious animal. I hope the judge reprimanded the donkey.

"Sir, I have a donkey, myself. A good, law-abiding donkey that loves his family and his country and wants to make them proud. You are an INSULT to him, sir. An INSULT!!! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

"Um, hee-haw?"

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. Although it was only one night, the donkey didn't escape without a taste of the harsh realities of life in an Egyptian prison...