Thursday, October 16, 2008

God DAMNIT Germany, ENOUGH Already!

Well, if some of your countrymen are going to marry food items, I guess some others should eat humans. You know, just to provide balance and order to everything. Otherwise it'd just be crazy.

Currently the European media is full of reports about a grotesque case of cannibalism in Germany. Some call him the real life Hannibal Lecter. Others call him Germany's very own Jeffrey Dahmer.
Still OTHERS call him the Takeru Kobayashi of human flesh. Others STILL are calling him the German dude who ate another German dude (y'know if you're into that whole "literal" thing).

I should let you know, the "lead" where I originally found this story is "CrazyNews.Net," which is a site sorta like ours here at The 'Mauf, except...y'know...our posts are occaisionally funny. Anyhoo, this site's core readership seems to be 6 year olds with Down Syndrome because they supply an easy-to-follow collage of pictures of all the people they're going to write about.

Well sheeeeeit, I'm glad they showed me the grill, or I'd have NEVER been able to comprehend the cannibalistic slaughter that took place!

German police routinely investigate Internet chat rooms for sex crimes and child pornography.
To ensure there's enough of it to go around, of course. This is Germany after all...

They found posts from a man trying to find voluntary victims for a cannibalistic slaughter romp.
Obviously, no one was going to respond to such a gruesome ad (I mean there aren't even CRAZY people out there who'd sign up for this) and in time, Armin M. (last name not given to protect the...homicidally insane?) had to go out and forcefully kidnap someone, chain them up and slaughter them against there will.

I'm sorry, what?

He did? He found someone who--

Oh. Well, ok. He found someone who was game...

Allegedly, Bernd volunteered to be slaughtered and eaten by Armin. After making contact over the Internet, Bernd visited Armin in Rotenburg. They bought a large supply of painkillers and got to work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? I can't even find someone to TOLERATE me on Craigslist, and this fuckstick finds someone who let's him KILL AND EAT HIM?!?

It's official world: I hate you.

But to make me feel better, I'm going to go ahead and say this dude, Bernd Jürgen B (who sounds like the town Drew Barrymore's character was from in Wayne's World) is literally the craziest motherfucker ever birthed. I mean, once you agree to let someone else brutally murder you then eat you, you literally hit the celing on crazy. There's nothing--

They cut off Bernd's erected penis, and ate it together.
Welp, I think I speak for all of us when I say I just vomited up my soul. And yes, the "they" that they're talking about is Armin, the killer, and Bernd, the guy being killed. This dude's last moments on earth were spent eating his own dick.

I guess, if Bernd Jürgen B ever wronged to pop champagne?

So the trial comes and there's kind of a problem: ok so what Armin did is completely horrid and terrible and crimes against humanity and all that jazz and whatnot. Only problem is: there's like, several mountains of evidence that clearly show that Jurgen Byurgen D-D-Durgen wanted to be castrated, have a little taste of his own wee wee, and then be murdered to death and eventually included in a delicious German stew.

A. Jurgen Shmergen responded to an ad with the subject: 'Gay male seeks hunks 18-30 to slaughter.'

B. The video evidence...yea...they made a little keepsake vid to commemorate the moment...

"The victim appeared to be fully aware of the situation," an investigator said. "Videotape material definitely shows both him and the suspect engaged in eating his own flesh prior to his death."

Christ why am I still writing about this??? And finally,

C. The crazy motherfucker (lemme be more specific, the crazy, dickless, dead, and currently being digested motherfucker) MADE A GODDAMN WILL PRIOR TO HIS CONSUMPTION. How can you be equal parts batshit crazy and extremely foresightful? Maybe it's best this dude went the way he did...he'd have probably ended up a supervillain. I mean, look at him:
You dump a little bio chemical cocktail on that and add a cape...fuckin evil fuckin genius. Maybe it's best that this is the end of the story for Jurgen Gurgen Racial Slurgen Kitty Purrrgen Bergen (County) Consented to his own Murgen Byurgen Say No to Furgen Computer Nergen Hot in Hurrgen.

1 comment:

  1. What I'm most curious about is whether or not the dong in question remained erect after castration or what.