Friday, October 10, 2008

Judge's Latest Attempt to Become Basis for Disney Movie Fails

Andrew Vactor was from the wrong side of the tracks. Street smart. One tough cookie. He thought he could terrorize his neighborhood with the scary African sounds of "Rap-Hop Music." He thought no one could stop him...until he met...

**Record scratch**

Crazy Champaign County Municipal Court Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott!!!

Judge SFL: I sentence you to...Beethoven!

**Another record scratch**

Andrew: Whaaaaaa?!?!?!?!? Oh, you MUST be trippin!

**Series of toned-down slapstick that can't possibly have anything to do with plot of movie set to the song "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" for some inexplicable fucking reason**

This Christmas, Disney Pictures, the company who brought you decent movies up until about 1995 or so, brings you...


(This movie is rated PG for content, brief language, and an extended gang rape scene)

Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott always wanted to be in showbiz. Unfortunately for her, she grew up with the last name Lippencott, and later married a man with the last name Fornof, and decided to have a hyphenated surname. Now we all know that Hollywood's surname cut-off point is 15 letters (Schwarzenegger juuuust managed to slip in there), so there'd be no starring roles in Susan's future.

Only solution?

Do something so fucking cheesy and schlocky and "Oh-my-gosh-no-she-di'int" that Disney will have no choice but to turn it into a shitstink movie "Based on a True Story" with Susan Sarandon and a Jonas Brother (Miley Cyrus was attached to the project but pulled out when they refused to let her do an anal scene.)

Andrew Vactor was facing a $150 fine for playing rap music too loudly on his car stereo in July. But a judge offered to reduce that to $35 if Vactor spent 20 hours listening to classical music by the likes of Bach, Beethoven and Chopin.
Wow! How edgy and progressive! This young youth is certainly headed down the wrong path, made obvious by his decision to listen to the rap music (if you can call that noise "music," amiright? amiright??), so Susie, ever the hip, cool, totally "with it" judge, decides to broaden his horizons with the "Top 40 Hits" of 1305 or whenever...why, who knows what new heights Andrew will achieve now! Perhaps he'll become the next great classical composer!!! Perhaps--

Vactor, 24, lasted only about 15 minutes, a probation officer said.
Pffffffffffftaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha pwned, Judge Fortoncoffowiz-Jabberwockycofffoladidadiwelikestaparty! In yo face wit a can uv mace!

It wasn't the music, Vactor said, he just needed to be at practice with the rest of the Urbana University basketball team.
This kinda confuses me. Does that mean that he had to listen to 20 hours of classical music, like, right there? On the spot all at once? I was under the impression that it was more of a "concherto a night" type situation rather than a "re-enactment of the torture scene in Clockwork Orange" type deal.

Champaign County Municipal Court Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott says the idea was to force Vactor to listen to something he might not prefer, just as other people had no choice but to listen to his loud rap music.
Oooooohhhhhh see nowwwww I get it! She wasn't trying to give the kid culture, she was just trying to use the same methods of punishment one would use on their dog after it pissed on the carpet.

**Rubbing face in wet spot** "You like that?!? You like the smell of piss??? **grits teeth** Huh? You like that?!? BAD FUCKING DOG! BAD!!!"

She's also taped TV shows for defendants in other cases to watch on topics such as financial responsibility. As she sees it, they get the chance to have their fine reduced "and at the same time broaden their horizons."
"Hey," added judge Lastnamewaaaaytoocomplicatedformetoretype, "It beats making judgements based on evidence and assigning the appropriate disciplinary action."

Oh shit! No pics in this'll have to excuse me, I'm a little rusty...ummmmmmmm...ah, here!
My work here is done.

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