A man who went to buy cigarettes in a gorilla suit to win a bet with his girlfriend is now being accused of receiving stolen property. Altoona police said they noticed a 20-year-old man walking down the city's Sixth Avenue just after midnight on Wednesday dressed as an ape.
Whoa whoa whoa... back that shit up mon frair. I am not a man in a gorilla suit. I am a gorilla. I used to roam the forests of Africa until I was brought over to America to be put in a zoo. I escaped, and have had to fend for myself ever since that fateful day 12 some odd years ago.
[masturbates, throws semen on you]
Since I've been on the lam, I've had to try my best to be a model citizen and yes, I've taken up smoking. People used to make me and my friends smoke at the zoo for their amusement, and now I'm the asshole for getting hooked? Look, I've been a stand-up character since I took up residency in Altoona. I even got a job in insurance. Here's me at the office!
So you see, you can't arrest me. receiving stolen property? I don't even know from stolen property! Most I ever stole was a banana.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to go rock the fuck out. PEACE.