Tuesday, October 28, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Forkin' Awesome!

Hi. I'm Fredrick McKaney. I am a soldier. I am a ninja. My methods are unorthodox, and my weapons even less orthodox. Meet Tiney (When you see his picture you will understand that I am also a wordninja):

And now I'd like to introduce you to Iron Mike:

And here's my ninja whips:

I use Tiney for stabbin', and Iron Mike for beatin. And I use Pinky, pretty obviously I guess, to get from point A to point C. Point C because I'm ridin' that shit so fast I done knocked over point B and gave each hump a squeeze like they were a pair o' tit-tays! Vroom Vroom bitch!

A man accused of stabbing his mother with a fork and attacking a second woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken has pleaded guilty to one count of felonious assault. Frederick McKaney, 40, entered the plea Friday in Jackson County Circuit Court. Prosecutors dropped additional assault, larceny and other charges.

They forget to mention I also plead guilty to being totally fucking rad and incredibly well endowed...AND failed to mention that I'm a black belt in forkrate, the art of using the fork as a weapon for stabbing and violent acts similar to stabbing.

Prosecutors said McKaney stabbed his mother with a fork June 23 and later exchanged words with another woman as he rode a stolen bicycle. They said he hit her in the head with a plastic bag of frozen chicken, opening a wound that required five surgical staples to close.

Yes I introduced my mom to Tiney. She asked! She didn't ask to meet him, per se. But she did ask some stupid question and it pissed me off! So I stabbed the bitch! As for Iron Mike, bitch asked me to give her some chicken, she didn't ask me to prepare it for her and serve it to her like a meal! I was just delivering it straight to her skull! And sure maybe I borrowed Pinky from my sister's daughter, but I was going to give it back! Shit. A man can't borrow a bicycle?

McKaney will be sentenced Dec. 11. He faces up to four years in prison and a $2,000 fine.

Don't think so! Ninja stealth mode. Activate!

[disappears in cloud of smoke]

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