Monday, October 13, 2008

So Shooting Sleepy Whores is Illegal?

Look, if I had a gun and was paying for sex, and then the prostitute I paid for said coitus gets all tired after ten minutes or so and decides to bail, guess what. She's getting shot...a dirty look. Ryan Graham however, prefers the dirty look that is accompanied by a bullet.

A 20-year-old man shot a prostitute in the back because she got tired of having sex for 10 minutes, according to a search warrant.

I mean, to be fair, she was in breach of contract. But come on, shoot her in the back? Man-up, bro. Damn.

Ryan Graham and the victim agreed to a deal of $20 for sex in the west alley of the 200 block of T Street on Sept. 17, police said.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... hang on a sec here. 20$?! For all-the-waysies?!! That seems like a fucking amazing deal! How much for an HJ? Like a dollar? I am sooo on the next bus to... oh man! California? Damnit. Oh well... Though to be honest I guess I really have no idea how much prostitution generally costs. I always imagined it being more pricey. Though I guess this particular whore could have just been incredibly disgusting. The thought here being that you get what you pay for? I don't really know where I'm going with this. Abort!

The woman suffered a collapsed lung and was taken to Kern Medical Center, the search warrant said. She was not identified because she fears for her safety.

Here's where the person writing that news blurb should have interjected something like, "Overshot the mark to point out that apparently this Ryan Graham character is involved in some serious gang activity." Anyway, some commenter suggests looking this guy up, and offered a website where you can see his crime record. That site is here.

Here's a rundown:

Defendant name:
LIL K SWISS [Ed. Note: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha]

So, what has Lil K Swiss done wrong?
June of 06: Possession of pot and resisting arrest. Bail: 485$
November of 06: Possession of pot and minor with alcohol. Fined $381
January of 07: Drunk and disorderly. Fined $400
May of 07: Threaten with intent to terrorize. Charges dismissed - insufficient cause.
August of 07: Possession of a controlled substance with a loaded firearm, criminal street gang carrying a loaded firearm, participating in a street gang, and possessing a firearm in violation of probation. Served 189 days in prison.
January of 08: [Ed. note: like immediately after he's out of fucking jail] Misdemeanor spousal abuse. [Ed. note, again: some poor bitch married this fuck?]. Served 3 days in jail.
May of 08: Misdemeanor spousal abuse. [thank god they decided to try and work it out] 30 Days in jail, served 19 (good behavior)
July of 08: Threaten with intent to terrorize, assault with a deadly weapon other than a firearm, vandalism. Trial set to start next month (though something tells me this will be the least of his problems)... which of course all leads us up to ...
September of 08: Attempted murder, assault with a firearm, battery with serious bodily injury, possession of a firearm within ten years of a conviction, obstruction of justice and trying to prevent a witness from reporting.

I know what you're thinking: But so what has Lil K Swiss done that's really bad? And to that I counter with: his name is Lil K Swiss. "I'm like that shoe! Only teensie!" His words.

Another prostitute gave police a description of the suspect's vehicle and officers found the automobile in the 400 block of Eye Street.

Here's what I'm confused about. If you're the cop taking a deposition from another woman whom you know for a fact is a prostitute... do you just like, look the other way? I mean, it seems like it would be a hard thing to overlook. Like I get the bigger fish to fry angle and everything, but like, isn't there some obligation to arrest the whore? And I'm not saying that because I think he should, necessarily, but like do they have to grant them immunity to talk with them first or something? I'd like to know how this works. You know, just in case.

Police went to the home and interviewed Graham who identified himself as Nigel Patterson, the search warrant said. Graham then ran away from the back door and was caught after a short chase.

"Oh, you're looking for Lil K Swiss? Well I am Nigel Patterson, British royalty, actually. Now I'm sure you must be wondering what I'm doing at the home of this neighborhood tough. Well I am an adventurer and philanthropist. I've decided to take him under my wing and... oh. Search warrant? Fuck. Well you forgot one thing...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" [points in other direction, runs away, is caught]

Graham was taken to KMC and the victim identified him as the shooter, police said. Graham grimaced, shook his head in a negative manner in an attempt to intimidate the victim, the court document said.

He seemed to being trying to give off signals that were he to be identified, the victim could get hurt. Unfortunately for Lil K Swiss, he had forgotten that he had recently shot said victim in the back, and that she was with police. Thus the threat of violence seemed to fall a little flat.

Police have taken a DNA sample of Graham.

"We think you're the shooter. Now beat off in this cup!" "Wow, prison is awesome!"

One can only hope that Lil K Swiss will not be fatigued in prison, where he will certainly be getting sexxed on for longer than ten minutes.

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