Monday, October 20, 2008

Kabbalah Says: OK For Madonna to Continue Being Insufferable Bitch

Once again we return to the poorly written barely-stories of "The Scoop" with MSNBC's marginally-attractive-but-looks-like-she-puts-out-easy reporter Courtney Hazlett:

I'd hit it. She seems like the type of chick at a bar to give you that "I'm D.T.F." look about 15 seconds after you introduce yourself. How am I so sure? If you are a professional journalist and purposefully put a "myspace-esque" photo of yourself on the inter-webs, you're likely a bit whorish.

...Oh yea! I was going to write a blog post! My bad, here goes:

Expect more ‘ugliness’ in Madonna-Ritchie split

Get it?!? 'Cause Madonna's really ugly?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Every single girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs, Madonna blah blah blah looks good for an 87 year old blah blah yoga blah blah toned stomach blah.


Every single girl in the history of ever: ...


...Well. I guess I'll go back into the kitchen to fix you a delicious sandwich then.

Expect “ugliness of epic proportions” when it comes to Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie. Why? “She’s got Kabbalah on her side,” says a friend of the Material Girl.
Um...oh snap, I guess? I fail to see how Judaism + magic + red yarn = The reason Madonna's going to keep saying cunty things about her ex hubbie.

I wish they explained how that works.

“Here’s how it works:
I fuckin' love you, Courtney Hazlett. Now...drink this...that's right...all of it...there you go...Now, let's wait about 5 minutes and--

**Courtney passes out**

OoooOOOooOoOOO good batch this week!

She [Madonna]’s got a team of Kabbalah advisers who guide her through her spiritual decisions. If they say something is justified, then she feels comfortable going ahead and doing it,” says the friend. “That was the litmus test she applied to spending time with A-Rod, that’s how she justifies making references to Guy at concerts,” says the friend.
What kind of religion is this?!?

Madonna: Hey, is it cool in the eyes of Kabbalah-God if I start fucking around on my husband?

Kabbalah Advisor: Well, who's this other guy?

Madonna: Alex Rodriguez.

Advisor: And he does what?

Madonna: Hit homeruns for the New York Yankees when they're already up 11-2.

Advisor: And is he a nice boy?

Madonna: Actually he's kind of a prick.

Advisor: And how much does he make?

Madonna: A decent amount, I guess. Couple hundred million.

Advisor: Go. Fuck around with the mystical blessings of magic Kabbalah God.

**Several weeks later**

Madonna: Mystical Magical Kabbalah dude who mooches off me and makes me new yarn bracelets when the old ones break?

Advisor: Yes Madonna?

Madonna: I've been kinda hurting from all of the drama surrounding my divorce from my husband of 8 years. I feel really angry and vulnerable at the same time. What should I do?

Advisor: Have you considered making cunty little comments about him that half the time people aren't going to get during your upcoming tour?

Madonna: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING We have a winner!

Just before performing “Miles Away,” a song she has said was inspired by her ex, she announced, “This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do.”
In a related story, at the premier of Guy Ritchie's latest film Rocknrolla, Ritchie was quoted as saying "this movie is for the old, self-obsessed, insufferable pop music cunts out there who haven't put out a song that anyone can name in God knows how long but still act like they're 21 and their shit doesn't stink. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do...




Madonna. Is who I know. That falls into that category. Of insufferable cunt. Just so you aren't confused."

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